He keeps contacting me

[Charlee]

Six months ago my fiancee left suddenly. Told me he wants to be around people his age. He is considerably younger than I am. We had lived together for 5 years, and enjoyed a very loving close relationship. He took half of his possessions when he left, and since has said many times he will return for the rest, which hasn't yet happened.

 

Since leaving on average he has contacted me via phone at least once a week. He has visited on about 4 occasions, the first time about 2 months after he left. When he left he hugged me tight, kissed me passionately, looked deep into my eyes and told me he loves and cares for me still. I pleaded with him to come back, but he just said he couldn't. This left me very confused. He didn't contact me for about 2 weeks after this incident. When he did, he apologised and said it was wrong of him to do that.

 

Our phone calls, generally initiated by him (I try not to call him unless I need to discuss something with him, such as mail sent to him at my address) usually consist of him ringing to tell me what he has bought lately, or what he has been doing. At times during phone calls I raise the subject of how much I miss him and want him back, he says it's not going to happen. I end up in tears sometimes, and other times I get angry and we end up in a childish slinging match for the next couple of hours - short phone calls where one hangs up on the other, insulting sms's/emails etc.

 

A few times he has told me on the phone when I have raised the subject of still loving him, that he still loves, cares and misses certain aspects of the relationship. One night he said he wanted to come up and see me but 'didnt trust himself' so he couldn't come up.

 

I am very hurt, I miss him terribly, I want him back. We had something beautiful, were soulmates and did so much together. These contacts mess me up no end. I find I get to a point where I am as happy as I can be in my new life without him, then he rings or pops over. After he goes/hangs up, I am back to unhappy and miserable for a day or two.

 

One Sunday I was feeling low and he rang me. I told him I missed him etc, so he came up and took me for a drive to make me feel better. During the drive he spoke of stuff we used to do, at one stage put his hand briefly on my knee, then dropped me home and left. Another night he rang me and asked me to go play pool with him. I did and we spent the evening playing pool and then he thanked me for coming and left.

 

I have told him repeatedly that the contact with him hurts, and as he says we will never be back together then stop contacting me. I have sent him many an email explaining the hurt and pain I suffer from this contact pushes my healing process back a few steps. I have told him over and over during the past few months, that if I am to move on and get over him as he says he wants me to, then he must go away and leave me alone.

 

Therein lies the problem. A week or more goes by and he rings. Wants to tell me about his latest purchases, or something that has happened in his life. Because I love this guy and want him back, I allow myself to be drawn into a conversation with him, instead of stating at the start of the call or visit 'go away - I can't talk to you.' Each call/visit I am hoping is the one where he realises he wants to come home.

 

So the circle continues. Me happyish and moving on a little each time, him contacting me, me plunging back down again, me telling him to leave me alone, him waiting a week or two then contacting me again.

 

What is with this guy? He claims he is only keeping in contact to do the right thing by me and he wants to retain a friendship.

 

The opinion of myself and friends around me is he can't let go, but is too afraid to admit he made a mistake. Others say once he has sowed his wild oats he will return, but meantime is keeping that contact going to ensure I am still sitting here waiting for him. Do actions speak louder than words? Do his actions indicate the guy is still crazy about me and will return one day? Or could he simply just want to retain a friendship?

[The Morrigan]

Sounds to me like he wants to have fun, and yet retain the "security blanket" of someone who cares about his day and what he's doing without any committment on his part. I mean, you've told him flat out contact hurts you, yet he persists. This is not even the actions of a friend, this is incredibly selfish! And yes, I would tell him that, and then if he can't control himself, block his number, block his email addy, whatever you have to. Tell him if he needs any more of his things, to have a friend of his (preferably a mutual friend) contact you about a pickup time, and have the friend do the picking up, not him. It isn't like he doesn't know where you are, if he really has second thoughts and wants to come back, he'll find you. He isn't going to miss you much if he's constantly getting what he wants, which is knowing you're still there to listen at the least, and if he's getting reassurance from that, that too. You're not being unreasonable or selfish drawing a line he can't overstep that's what you need to heal, and he's being a selfish brat continually crossing it. Do what you need to do to get YOUR life running smoother without him, let him worry about himself for a change, whether he comes back with a new perspective, or isn't ready to appreciate you and doesn't, you win the war either way. Stay strong, follow through on your needs, and for goodness sake, don't feel guilty!!!

[mahlina]

I've been in that situation before.

 

What I can tell you is that this guy sounds completely self-centered. If he truly cared for you, then he'd give you your space; otherwise, he's too immature to realize it.

 

You don't want a guy like that. You want someone who's mature and knows what he wants, not a guy who dangles you around only to play with your heart.

[Heartshock]

Hi Charlee,

 

Personally I think the other replys have been accurate

in their advice but a little harsh in their prognosis.

 

I believe your guy is in pain. Guys notoriously fare worse

in a break up due to lack of emotional communication outlets.

Whereas you can chat to your girlfriends and wisely have (cause

God knows it helps to get it all out) he probably has very few

people he can mull this over with. Yes he is being selfish but not deliberatly so - he's grabbing at the first thing to instantaneously

heal his loneliness, confusion, pain, sh***y feelings etc. YOU -

 

BUT IT DON'T WORK LIKE THAT!!!

 

Predictably it just sets you back on the healing schedule, and him into more confusion about whether he's just given up the best thing in his life or has made the right decision.

 

You both need answers, and I'm very sorry to tell you, sweetie, those answers are not going to present themselves while you are still in contact.

arrghh! This is not good news I know.

 

But the longer you are in contact, the longer you will sit in no man's land.

 

Having read your post, it is clear to me that you are the emotionally wise

one. You know what you are feeling.

Believe me it is the hardest thing in the world, to tell the person

you love most in the world that you will not speak to them on the phone,

or meet up with them, or answer the door when he calls.

And if there was any other option, believe me honey, I would write it

down - cause I know what you are feeling. I have been there.

 

I think it is important that you don't share your feelings of acute loss

with him. (Hang onto your girlfriends, cause your going to need them)

this stops him investigating what his feelings of loss are, and possibly

triggers feelings of guilt from which he will want to escape.

 

This is a long term strategy - Unfortunately the NO CONTACT RULE

WORKS

 

After five years together this break up is one of the toughest roads you will have to face,

but the way you were able to express your feelings in yur post, leads

me to believe that you will be successful in coming out the other

end.

 

It is hell now, but there will enventually be a happy ending to this story

becuase one of two things will happen.

 

a) Your boyfriend will realise that he really did have something

wonderful with you, which cannot be repeated with some-one else.

 

b) You will eventually complete the healing process and have joyful

memories of your time with this man without the pain. You will

be able to love again.

 

 

A book I recommend, it really helped me is John Gray's "Starting Over"

 

All the very best of luck, sweetheart.

 

Keep reading this site, it is an enormous comfort to know you are

not the only person in the world going through such pain.

Others have gone through it and have come out the other end

 

 

God Bless You

Heartshock

[Charlee]

Thank you for your replies.

 

The Morrigan is right, he is using me as a security blanket - I think that is why he won't make an effort to collect his belongings, he still has a connection here, as well as a reason for contact. He is selfish, my friends keep stating this and I can see that. Mahlina says "If he truly cared for you, then he'd give you your space; otherwise, he's too immature to realize it.' and I agree. I have used these exact words to him many times.

 

Heartshock: your post is beautiful My best friend has used all those words and advice over and over to me. It's like she posted that.

 

I do believe no contact is the answer too, it is so hard to be strong and reject someone you love deeply, and who you know loves you equally as much.

 

I agree he is confused and will realise one day he had something special. I know he is not sharing his pain etc with friends, men don't sit around like women and open up, especially this one. He would be keeping the lot inside and trying to deal with it his way.

 

I do talk to my girlfriends, one in particular is always there. The last contact we had was on MSN, last Wednesday night. After talking to him for 5 mins I ended up on the phone to her, crying whilst talking to him. I was angry at myself for answering his initial message, but couldn't stop replying. She has always said about contact during a breakup that 'less is more'.

 

Just a sidetrack here, but do other people dream constantly of their ex's? I find most nights (and it's been 6 months now) that he enters my dreams. They are always pleasant dreams with us happy and in love.

 

I am glad I found this forum, I know many people around the world suffer this pain, this is the first time for me at age 40. I decided to post here to get the perspective of others in regards to his behaviour. I know I will go forward and be alright eventually.