I'm not over my ex-boyfriend and I have a new boyfriend.....

[necolle13]

Ok, someone please help!!!!

 

I'm not over my ex. We broke up almost 5 years ago!!!! I ended the relationship because I was going to go to college far away from home, and I thought it would be too difficult if we stayed together.....

 

I'm now with a guy, who I've been with for almost 4 years. I moved away from my home state of Iowa with him to California about 2 years ago. It's pretty much like we are married. We have a joint bank account, a car together, and everything in our apartment we bought together. Oh, and his kids call me mom!!! So there's another attachment. They don't live with us though.

 

I think about my ex a lot, to the point it almost makes me sick to my stomach. I'm sure a lot has to do with that I also miss my family and friends tremendously!!!

 

I'm not sure what I should be do.....It's gotten to the point that about 4 nights out of the week, I have dreams about my ex and people back home. I'm pretty homesick too. My boyfriend now, doesn't know about my feelings for my ex, but he does know that I'm homesick. He's told me that I need to do some soul searching.

 

Can someone please help me out???

[real amour]

Hello. I am 36 married with 2 kids. I have moved away from my family and work opportunities, doing part time work and raising kids (my choice). I am also away from my culture. I am having huge longings for my family, old friends and being able to make new ones, my culture, my old job, and even a guy I met just a few times (I think I fell in love actually) many years ago. I went so far as to contact him and I am also thinking of writing a regret letter to my old boss to say I am sorry I left (for my husband) and she was a complete bitch. I desperately want to take a trip to my the city I left (not my original city) just to be there. I would kill to go back to my earlier circumstances because like you I have been uprooted just a little too much.

 

I feel in danger at this point and am thinking of doing things just inimaginable. You (and I) need to incorporate the going back to our culture and circumstances into our current life or you have to change your life completely. You must do regular trips, mingle in social groups that have something to do with your past, hold on to things you once loved. You have to do them now. You must clearly lay them on the table to your man that you need this to survive or you will go batty. That is one reason you cannot let go of your ex (if in fact you really want to) (maybe even mention this if he will not listen). Make a list of things you want in your life (without any men at all for example) and go to it!!!!!!

[necolle13]

Well, I'm only 22, and my boyfriend now is 32. My ex is my own age. We make regular trips back to Iowa, but since my boyfriend now is so much older than me, he has a hard time hanging out with my old friends. So when we do go back, I don't get much time with them. We are taking a trip back to Iowa in Nov, and we have planned it so that I will stay at my mom's house by myself for a couple of days, so that I have time with my friends. This I think will be good, but could be possibly bad!! The first trip I made back to Iowa, I went alone, and I did the unthinkable. I actually had a run in with my ex, and we ended up spending the last 2 days of my trip there together. And we ended up kissing......I have had mixed feelings about that. I was telling myself that if I could go and kiss another guy than I obviously shouldn't be with my boyfriend now! He deserves better than that. But, then I think that I just did it because I was lonely and that he was giving me mixed signals, and telling me things that he felt when I had broken up with him. Well after I got back to California, I had already had it all planned out with my best friend, who is also in Iowa, that I was going to move back home. I just had to tell my boyfriend. Well, I didn't tell him the truth. I half way did. But, my reason, was because I wanted to go back to college, and the only way I could do that was to move back home, because i wanted to go back full time. Well, he came back with some excuses, and then I ended up not doing it. Then things actually were really really good between my boyfriend and I, so I thought that I was wrong by thinking I should move home. Now I'm just really confused about the whole situation!

 

Another problem I have out here, is that I haven't made any friends yet. I have found that quite mind boggeling since I had a huge group of friends back home.

 

Now you say that I need to put it all out on the table to my man, but how am I supposed to tell him that I'm still in love with my ex?

[necolle13]

mandylee4christ,

 

I agree with your thoughts, although, I have told myself that if I end up going back to Iowa, that I'm going to do this for myself and not my main reason for going back is to be with this other guy.....

 

Now, how exactally would you go about breaking it off with the current boyfriend, if you were me?

[Gilgamesh]

Hello

 

This is difficult, but Ill try and explain it best I can.

 

You see when your with someone and you like them a lot, you start imagining your life with them you have dreams of all the things your going to do together in the future. and they are wonderful.

 

When you broke up with him for circumstance beyond your control, you threw away those dreams.

 

Now your in a new relationship, you have bean together for some time, your living the real life, everything is OK, but how can they match your dreams? its just impossible, nothing can compare to what you can imagine?

 

You see whats going on here? your comparing reality to a dream, its not so much what you lost, but what "could have been" and its that regret thats eating you up. who knows what would have happened if the other guy was in your life, maybe you would be happily married sure, but maybe you would have broken up 6 months after living together like you are now with this man your with now.

 

I believe that its "what could have been" thats really bothering you, you broke up with him, still loving him, and that is what this is really all about. your still in love with a dream. the "potential" of what might have been.

 

But the reality is, you are with someone I assume loves you, and you get along, dont ruin a good thing by clinging to regrets and things that may or may not have reallly come to pass.

 

You should make new dreams make new plans and spark the life into your current life. you think everything would come up roses with the other man from your past? get real.

 

Life seldom can compare to our wishes and dreams, and your frustration is your comparing life to your fantasies of yesterdays dreams.

 

You want those dreams to come true? then make them come true with the man thats in your life right now.

[The Morrigan]

First, I'd have to say, consider why your ex IS your ex and not your current. While after 5 years he is likely to have matured, he's still the same person things didn't work out with before. You still find him attractive, plus he's back home in a place you miss, and I'm sure you're thinking of things you guys would be able to do together you haven't been able to with your current boyfriend, but you have to look at the whole picture and what you'd be losing as well as the positive points. Also consider that there's no way a relationship with your ex would be perfect, because no relationship is, no matter how your wishes paint it. Just consider very carefully if there's anything that would make you happier where you are, like taking some classes where you could meet people to hang with there, joining a club or gym, anything that would get you out of the homesickness portion of it a little and get some persespective where it's not all tangled up together. In the end, you'll have to go with what you feel is best for you, just be as sure as possible you've looked at everything clearly so you won't have regrets over your decision, or at least as few regrets as possible.

[necolle13]

[necolle13]

Well, I actually ended up calling my ex last night. I talked to him about my problems with my boyfriend, and he said, "Like I told you a year ago, you need to move home....."

 

I think I came to the conclusion, from everything we talked about, that I do need to go home. Not for my ex, but for me. My dreams are not the same dreams as my boyfriend now. This some what distrubs me, because he new from the get go that I wanted to get married and have kids, and I told him, if he doesn't see that happening then to let me know. (This was in the first month of us dating) Well just recently he has told me that if it was up to him, we wouldn't get married, it's just a piece of paper on a wall!! And now he would only like to have one baby, and he wouldn't have to have another, but he knows I want one. But, I'm not only going to have one baby, and he knows that!!! I don't want to be with someone that isn't going to be excited on our wedding day, and the same when I tell him I'm pregnant.....I've also told him this, and he told me that I have a lot of soul searching to do....

 

So I don't really think I'm comparing reality to a dream. I didn't ever think of my future with my ex, well I guess I did to some extent, but we were in high school then, those just weren't things we were thinking about.

 

I do agree with you when you say I'm thing "What if", I do that all the time....