Confusing situation

[what2think]

Hi, I just found this site and I was hoping that someone could give me some opinions on my situation.

 

I have known this guy for over a year. We were both in other relationships (I broke up with my bf last Nov and he broke up with his gf in June) but we spent a lot of time studying for classes together fall quarter. He graduated after that so we didn't talk much after that.

 

We ran into each other over in July and started talking again. He asked me out for drinks to catch up, we both ended up admitting that we had feelings for each other since day 1 but couldn't act on them before. We started spending a lot of time together. I met his friends and he met mine. Both of our best friends think we would be perfect together and continuously tell us that. He told me that he wasn't completely over his ex and didn't want to be my boyfriend unless he was completely over her (at this point he had been single a month).

 

About a month and a half ago my grandma had some problems and ended up in the hospital 6 hours away (where all of my family is). I was supposed to spend the weekend with him so I called and told him I needed to leave town and go see my grandma. He offered to come with me so i didn't have to drive 6 hours by myself, but I didn't want to inconvenience him and have him be bored in a town he has been to once in his life while I was at the hospital. He kept calling me as I was driving to make sure I was ok (I was really shaken up about the whole thing). The next day he called me and said he wanted to drive over to where I was and asked if he could stay at my parents.

 

We weren't together at that point and I hadn't mentioned him to my parents, so I talked to my mom and she said he could stay there, and interrogated me as to who he was. He shows up and meets my entire family (mom, step-dad, dad, step-mom, 3 of my siblings and my grandma) and everyone loved him.

 

Then 2 weeks ago we were out shopping and he found a bed frame he wanted to get, and we both drive small cars, so we went to his parents house to borrow a truck... guess what I met his parents.

 

So basically we act like we are together, we have met each other parents (both unplanned), we are together all the time... and yet we aren't in a relationship.

 

I have asked him why we aren't together and he says he doesn't want a serious relationship right now. I half sarcasitcally said oh so you just want to be able to have sex with as many people as you want, and he got offended and said he hasn't slept with anyone else since we started hanging out all the time. I don't know if he will ever commit to me, it's kinda strange.

 

So why doesn't he want a relationship? Any ideas?

[Supa_gurl]

He is afraid of a commitment still. His last gf must have done a number on him. I say if you two click just keep things the way they are for now. Hold out on the intimacy until you are in an actual relationship. Explain to him that you do have strong feelings but until you can get some kind of commitment such as "we are dating" or "I'm the bf", then you will have to refrain from sexual activity. That may light a fire under his behind.

[what2think]

Thanks for replying, I take any perspective I can get on this.

 

I don't know what made him so afraid of commitment. He broke up with his ex because he didn't see it going anywhere, and according to him I had a lot to do with him realizing that his relationship wasn't going anywhere just by being there.

 

It was late when I wrote all of this out and I forgot to mention that I lost my virginity to him a few months ago, so telling him I won't have sex won't work so well.

 

He knows how I feel about him, and I know how he feels about me but I don't know why he doesn't want a relationship.

[CandyKins]

Show some consideration. He has broken-up with his gf, it must be hard for him. I can understand why he doesn't want a relationship at the moment. After a while his wounds will heal. All that requires is patience and understanding.

 

I suggest you keep the relationship quite raw (friendship-wise). Hugging is fine. Kissing well.. as long as it's not so intimate in a romantic way. So basically just be friends. I wouldn't get into a causal relationship if I were you, that could ruin the friendship.

[what2think]

I don't understand what is going on...

 

We keep getting closer and closer and every time we end up spending a lot of time together he freaks out and backs away. He did it about a month ago and didn't call for a few days when we normally talk every day, so I finally called him and he said he thought we were getting too attached to one another. So we cooled it for a few days, talked about it and I flat out told him what I want... next thing you know we are spending literally every free moment together again, one of his friends made some comment when we were all out last weekend about how much he must like me since he never spends time with his friends anymore, and now he hasn't called over a week.

 

I decided that I am not chasing him anymore, and that if he wants me he can call me.

 

AHHHH!

[fastball2113]

youv had more time to recoup from your breakup, just give the guy some time. he is clearly making the effort to show you hes into you and that he clearly has feelings for you. its not like he is writing you off, hes waiting until he is ready...you should want that too; why would you want to be in a relationship if the other person is thinking about someone else other then you?

 

its funny to hear a girl say shes mad that the guy wont go into a relationship because of a break-up (usually the other way around).

[what2think]

He's been out of a relationship for almost 7 months now... I was over my last relationship a lot quicker than that.

 

I am not mad at him I am just confused, he has told me that he is over her and that he likes me but he doesn't want a relationship with me for some unknown reason, but at the same time he likes keeping me around when he is not freaking out.

 

I Just don't know how much more of this back and forth thing I can handle, it's like an emotional roller coaster.

[ghost69]

He's been out of a relationship for almost 7 months now... I was over my last relationship a lot quicker than that.

 

I am not mad at him I am just confused, he has told me that he is over her and that he likes me but he doesn't want a relationship with me for some unknown reason, but at the same time he likes keeping me around when he is not freaking out.

 

I Just don't know how much more of this back and forth thing I can handle, it's like an emotional roller coaster.

 

he keeps you around with the potential. either he isn't ready, or he is waiting for what he thinks is better. he's not ready to commit. but you aren't getting what you want out of this. move on from him.

[what2think]

he keeps you around with the potential. either he isn't ready, or he is waiting for what he thinks is better. he's not ready to commit. but you aren't getting what you want out of this. move on from him.

 

He's probably not ready, I don't think he is looking for someone better since he tells me all the time how great I am and how much he likes spending time with me. He hasn't been with anyone else except me since he broke up with his ex.

 

I have just never had a guy wait this long to be in a relationship, it's really odd for me.

 

The thing is he makes me really happy about 98% of the time, the other 2% is when he is freaking out and pushes me away. Every time he calls a few days later and can't wait to see me because he missed me so much.

[ghost69]

well, he isn't going to commit at this point. you need to ask yourself if you are okay with that and a chance he might not ever.