I hate him right now :(

[istillluvu06]

Hi all I need some quick advice, I feel like I'm losing my mind.

Ex bf of 3 years are broken up , Last few weeks have been up and down, he said he wanted to be friends and see where it goes. He still loves me very much but is in absolute fear of a relationship with me right now cause he thinks I'll hurt him again (I had insecurity issues). He says he cant imagine his life without me, complimented me all the time, talked to me everynite on messenger. We have been closer the past few weeks in many ways than in awhile, even went on a couple dates.

 

Heres the problem, THE PAST!!! It keeps getting brought up, even in regular converstaion, he is very angry so it ends up getting rehashed up and we argue. This past friday we had dinner, was nice then got into an argument. I never raise my voice. It's always about how all the stuff I've done in the last 3 years etc. We didnt talk all weekend. When I went into work yesterday he was different, said he sees after friday that nothing will change etc. He was cold.

Right now I feel so confused, sad, and USED by him. The problem is that I work at his store and I truly don't know how to handle this anymore I can't find another job right now and seeing him everyday is driving me nuts. I'm really really angry at him, because I feel in a way he gave me false hope, and he can't seem to get out of his fear/ anger mode.

I don't know what to say or how to act around him anymore. I want to strangle him right now. Hope someone has some advice. I'm dreading going there today, don't know what to do, say, act. He was my best friend on top of all this. I would like to be 100% honest about how I'm feeling right now, but I really don't think that's a good idea. It wouldnt come out very well Makes me feel like I'm going through the break up over and over again. And I feel like if he truly loves me and I love him that there could be more patience and understanding here, not to mention, I feel like he's not being a stand up kind of person. He's hiding behind all this and I feel strung along etc. I'm just so confused, I literally feel sick to my stomach.

Please any help would be appreciated, thx.

[Atticus90]

I don't think he was useing you.

Maybe he was trying to see if you both could handle talking to eachother in a friendly manner and maybe you both could date again.

 

Seeing how it didn't work, that's why he broke it off.

 

That's his way of seeing if getting back together would be an option.

You should be happy that he tried though.

 

Sometimes these kind of things don't work out I guess. You both can't be together if you both constantly argueing.

 

""Don't force feed a relationship""

[istillluvu06]

It feels like I'm on his emotional rollercoaster, he says how horrible his life is and this isnt how he wanted it and I'm the love of his life, etc etc

Then I'm feeling he should do something, I've been more than willing and have been trying. I go to counseling. Ive stuck by him, trying to make my wrongs right etc.

Feel like when you really love someone you try together. Not just point the finger at the other person all the time.

Am I crazy?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

No, you are not crazy. I don't know what it is that you did but if you made amends for it and are trying to work things through...then he has to do his bit as well and not hold you hostage to the past. There is nothing much you can do about it. If he was really hurt by something you did, he may or may not be capable of letting it go...it sounds like he is having problems letting it go and trusting you. I don't think it is a matter of him stringing you along...I think he really is conflicted and on the one hand, wants to trust you and make a go of this...but on the other hand he can't let go of past hurts.

[istillluvu06]

Thanks Crazyaboutdogs. I like the term "hostage" I feel like an emotional hostage.

Feel like I can't go back and can't move forward right now.

[dreamguy]

Any mature person would not put all the blame on a single party.

Somebody who keeps bringing up the past and pointing fingers is obviously not mature enough to realize no one can take the entire blame for something.

 

If you have already discussed this with him and yet he refuses to behave in a mature way then simply respond with aloofness.

 

You say he is acting cold again and you don't know how to act. Simple, be indifferent. Be neutral. Be cool. Smile and don't let his behavior phase you one bit ! This will make him go crazy.

 

When an lover and/or ex is cold or mean they are usually trying to provoke a reaction out of you.

 

Someone who is truly over you will be rather indifferent. He won't feel the need to provoke anything. He is done, over, through with you and you are just like any other friend.

That's the impression you want to give him.

 

If he keeps this charade going on for a long time then start searching for another job if you can. You don't want him to have any financial power over you. If he feels you don't need him he will respect you much more.

[istillluvu06]

That helps alot... I'm just so sick of this feeling of hope one day and then not the next.

I feel he is being selfish in a way, He's blinded by his fear and anger.

I guess it makes me mad that all he can say is "we don't get along"

Yea when the past gets brought up.

I don't know just thought I(we) were worth fighting for but I can't do it alone

[Crazyaboutdogs]

That helps alot... I'm just so sick of this feeling of hope one day and then not the next.

I feel he is being selfish in a way, He's blinded by his fear and anger.

I guess it makes me mad that all he can say is "we don't get along"

Yea when the past gets brought up.

I don't know just thought I(we) were worth fighting for but I can't do it alone

 

 

The "hope...no hope" push pull game is a dreadful one to be in...I have been through that before....you get sucked into someone else's confusion. In situations like that...it is better to assume that there is no hope...this way you can move on with your life and not have it dependent on someone else's whims.

 

I agree with what dreamguy wrote (although I do believe that there are definitely situations in which one person is completely responsible). Time to take back control over your life and not let it hinge on the decisions he makes regarding the two of you. You might want to seriously consider getting a new job away from him. Distance yourself from him as much as possible...start moving forward with your own life....no ultimatums, no discussions...just be proactive. If he starts telling you how unsure he is blah blah...then your response should be basically that you can't do anything more than you are doing to make amends, the choice is up to him and then walk away and don't look back. If he decides he wants to handle things in a more mature fashion, he will come back for you. Just get yourself independent from him emotionally and financially.

[istillluvu06]

Thanks crazyaboutdogs, dreamguy....

Trust me I want another job baaaad!!! BUT I live in a small town, where there arent any jobs, believe me. I came here in the first place to be with him and get married as we were engaged at one time. So the arrangement was me working with him as we used to live together, but I went back as he says he needs me and I need a job.

Youre so right about me depending on him financially, it is hurting my self esteem horribly.

For the first time in my life I literally feel like a trapped rat with no way out right now. Cant even leave the area right now. It's bad.

I guess I will have to be strong for now, and ill do my best.

Everything is taking a toll on me, like You said crazyaboutdogs, this push and pull is too much for a person to do for as long as we have.

I want so bad to tell him to go to hell and walk out of his life, but I cant for so many reasons, so I dont feel free, I feel like an emotional slave.

Thanks all for your help, if you come up with any other thoughts please post, I'm at the end of my rope and very very depressed

And what's really ironic is that serenity prayer I read everyday. I'm so stuck I can't change anything right now....just sad.

[phwfbd55]

istillluv

 

who keeps bringing up the past, and why when you are having dinner, and tryiong to do this, do yall keep getting brought up??????????????? are you doing it?????????? if he is tell him, lets just enjoy the evening, and not talk about us for once

 

AND YOU DO THE SAME......you tell me every day to have patience and not push........so you do the same.

 

REMEMBER....>NEW YOU THE HAPPY YOU........

 

HUGS FOR YOU

[istillluvu06]

Today was a horrible day at work. I had a panic attack, I don't think I can go there tomorrow and see him, he knows how horrible I felt today.

Should I just not show or should I let him know?

I feel like absolute crapp, so lonely, literally felt like I was gonna have a heart attack. What should I do?

[emalkoc]

sorry I understand how you feel exactly now. I dont know what to do about it other than look at ENA. What helps me drive around sometimes. Take care!

 

Eric

[istillluvu06]

Thanks Eric, God my life sux right now. And am so thankful for ENA and all the nice people on here.

I loved this guy so much I can't believe this has all happened. Tonite I was cleaning off my kitchen counter and found my engagement ring in the corner in the box. I just moved recently so stuff is still everywhere. I actually put it on and cried.......What an idiot

[emalkoc]

that's ok. I cry every morning that I wish I gave her the ring a month before she said bye. I was planning to give her during our vacation and then she said bye and I told her I was planning to propose her afterwards ...and she said too late what else can I do?

 

I am so sad as you are. I think this is much harder than my divorce. I truly love this person so much. but we cannot do anything. Helpless. I wish I can hug you now..

 

sorry....

 

eric

[dreamguy]

Thanks Eric, God my life sux right now. And am so thankful for ENA and all the nice people on here.

I loved this guy so much I can't believe this has all happened. Tonite I was cleaning off my kitchen counter and found my engagement ring in the corner in the box. I just moved recently so stuff is still everywhere. I actually put it on and cried.......What an idiot

 

Absolutely not an idiot but a sensitive human being. There's a big difference although the latter can be worse than the former

 

Why do you still have the engagement ring with you ? Give it back to him.

 

I never said that being cool around him was going to be easy but you have to do it until you can find a solution to this such as changing jobs or getting him to change (which might be harder than finding another job ).

 

I'm really sorry to hear that you feel trapped. When you feel that way remember that "trapped" is something mostly taking place in your mind. That's where the panic attacks come from: Your mind.

 

I know it's a far fetched example but think of a man in prison for life and yet he does not feel trapped because his mind allows him to wander anywhere he wants. Being confined behind bars only makes him feels trapped physically but not emotionally/mentally.

 

You can do it. You can set yourself free from him both emotionally and financially but it will definitely take time. You have to be strong and play it smart meanwhile. It's all about self-preservation !

 

 

**Edit: emalkoc, don't fool yourself buddy. Even if you gave her the ring a month before she decided to go her way that would have probably changed nothing. When an ex decides it's over they usually do it months before announcing it to you. So don't blame yourself.

[emalkoc]

dreamguy, I know I know. That's case actually. She checked out when I think clearly but would hold her little while or at least make her think twice...Because she was looking for a commitment...She later told me that.

[istillluvu06]

Eric, thanks I could use a hug Dreamguys right, I don't think giving her that ring would have made a difference, but I know youre probobly obsessing over all the would ofs should ofs, its ok. This has been much harder than my divorce, I didnt love him, this guy is actually my first love, plus I have so much guilt for all the mistakes I made too We will get through this somehow.

Dreamguy, I have the ring cause I did give it back but he threw it one day so I took it home, no sense in throwing it in the garbage, like our relationship. I feel like I cant see him or face him tomorrow, feels too hard. But if i go to work it makes me look stronger like hes not getting to me, or needy cause I need the job??

Seems so easy to help other people on here but when it comes to me, I'm a lost soul

[Mysterygirl]

this is a good example of .. when its over, its over!

[dreamguy]

Dreamguy, I have the ring cause I did give it back ut he threw it one day so I took it home, no sense in throwing it in the garbage, like our relationship. I feel like I cant see him or face him tomorrow, feels too hard. But if i go to work it makes me lok stronger like hes not getting to me, or needy cause I need the job??

Seems so easy to help other people on here but when it comes to me, I'm a lost soul

 

He threw it in the garbage ? Impressive man indeed !

How do you think he will react in the future if you marry him and one day you really need him ? Will he throw your heart in the garbage too ? Are you sure you want to be with this man ?

 

The only thing that will make you look weak/needy is the way you react to him.. not the fact that you go to work or not.

 

In fact when you don't go to work he will know he is getting to you. Again, that's what you don't want.

 

Be indifferent and (I'm sorry to say) be smart and use him by going to work and making money until you can find another job.

After all you are getting paid for working... and he is indirectly using you too so don't feel guilty.

[istillluvu06]

I am starting to dislike him alot.

I have done alot of wrong things, but I am genuinley trying to be a better person, and he says he loves me but obviously not enough.

I do feel abandoned in many ways by him.

So yes I am second guessing alot of things and I'm tired of being the only one trying to be with someone who can't get over things enough to be with someone he says he loves.

I was willing to do anything to make him happy or reassured he can trust me, but all I'm doing is getting sucked into an emotional rollercoaster and it's getting the best of me.

[dreamguy]

Whether you get back with this man or not should not be the most important thing in your life right now.

 

The fact that you have changed after becoming aware of your own faults/shortcomings and you are genuinely trying to become a better person is what matters !

 

For you can rest assured, whether you end up with him or any other man, no relationship will last, and if by chance it does last you won't be happy, if you do not make the necessary modifications to your personality first.

 

Focus on that for the moment and a lot of other good things will follow.

You can lose a lover, a friend, a family member but the only person who stays with you all your life is YOU. So invest in yourself and you have everything to gain.

[CatsMeeoow]

You seem to continue to be on a rollercoaster ride... Maybe it's time to get off for a bit.

 

Tell him you want to take a break from all this relationship stuff. You want to remain a good working relationship but that all after hours stuff has to stop for awhile.

 

Yes - I know it will be entirely hard for you to follow through with this so make plans - I think you said you had a daughter... go do something... window shopping... halloween crafts... etc!

 

You might be surprised - you pull away (and mean it!) I think he'll come around and he'll be chasing you after just a few days to weeks. You will get your power back and you won't be on this board every day confused... angry... etc. with the ex.

 

You'll be lonely and you'll miss your late night IM with the guy... but do something else... learn to knit...

 

I hate seeing you so torn up everyday - as a good male friend of mine said ... grow a spine! He'll respect you more for it!

 

Hang in there and good luck!

[istillluvu06]

Well heres an update, I decided to get off the rollercoaster ride.

I feel it needs to be done. I wrote him a letter tonite, told him how I felt, how he's hurt me too, and basically I'm giving him what he wants "Me out of his life" I gave him the letter before I left work today.

I mean I was sitting there today holding back tears and wondering what the hell I'm doing there?

It hurts, he said he doesnt want a relationship, I feel he basically used me the past few weeks, and I am just so pissed off hurt and disgusted with him and myself!!

I didnt say I wasnt coming back to work, but I dont think I am. I may be screwing myself out if a job but i'm headed for a nervous breakdown. He didnt pay me well anyways, I mostly stayed cause I loved him, we were together, I wanted to help him. now were not so why should I do him any favors.

I dislike him very much right now, he's turned arrogant, cocky, and I basically feel dumb and used.

Does anyone think I'm doing the right thing??

He's never had to miss me, He knows he'll see me everyday. I know jobs are very scarce here but I don't know what else to do.

Should I tell him I'm not coming back or just let it go? I don't want to talk to him right now. Feel like he should wonder the way I have.

I've reached the anger point and I'm in too much pain to make good decisions, but I know working with him like this is not healthy.

Hope yall have some advice, thanks

[dreamguy]

Yep. When you stand up for yourself, face your fears, face your ex and get the truth out of them in a dignified manner so you can stop waiting for nothing and wasting your precious time then, my friend, you are ALWAYS doing the RIGHT thing.

 

I've been in your shoes not so long ago. I sent my ex an email and she politely said that replying to my email was very hard but she sees us as friends today although she doesn't regret the past at all.

 

Well, after I read her reply I texted her the following: "I know it wasn't easy to reply. It wasn't any easier for me to write what I did. I kept silent for two weeks while you thought it over because I wanted you to come to a decision without any pressure/influence and, you did."

That's it. It's been almost 10 days and there's complete silence from both sides.

 

Someone here (I think Mavis) has a simple yet powerful quote in her signature: "Sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do in order to get what you want".

 

Whatever you do now don't look back with regret... be it for sending the letter or for dating him.

 

By dating him you gained a lot of experience and insight in what you want in a man and what you DO NOT want/accept in a partner.

 

As for the letter, if you had not sent it you would have only delayed the same outcome: him saying he doesn't want a relationship. So be happy that you did because now you are free again. It will hurt like hell at first ! I know... I'm going through hell myself.

 

Someone else here (DN I think) has another powerful quote in his signature: "If you are going through hell... keep going !"

 

You will get to the light at the end of the tunnel sweetie. Believe it.

We're all here for you.

[istillluvu06]

Thanks so much, just woke out of sleep in a cold sweat with my heart in my throat, you know the feeling of confusion if all this is happening or not?

Anyways I'm not sure how to handle the work thing, don't wanna go back, didnt tell him either way. all my stuff is still there including tons of stuff he has of mine at his house. he also owes me money from this week.

Do I just not show and wait until he contacts me? I dont want to talk to him right now. I just cant believe how hes been acting. Cold and like a jerk.

Should I just leave things alone for now? Tell me what to do,