Should I let him know I know he is Gay/Bi

[Jonboy582]

Hi

 

The story is there is this bloke on the Uni course I am studying who is either bisexual or gay. That fact doesn't bother me in the slightest but the thing is he has not actually told anyone on my course he is gay. We have known each other well over a year now so its not like we are new friends. I just wondered should I let him know I know he is gay, so he doesn't feel he has to hide it from me? Or should I just do what I do and not mention anything to anyone and if he wants to say he can say?

 

The reason I know is he is openly gay in his closed group of friends outside of uni and these are of an age group the same as mine in the neighboring town. So as you know truths spread as well as roomers, and I found out. Well I find out who he was going out with (some other guy). Then two weeks later he is sad as he has broken up with his "partner" but he wont say girlfriend its always partner. Then we see him in the supermarket (the partner) and there is a very awkward conversation between the two. So pretty much what I'm trying saying there is no doubt that he is gay or Bi.

 

Thanks

 

Jon

[JadedStar]

Unless you are interested in letting him know because you'd like to ask him out then I think it would be wise to not say anything and let him be the one to tell you. I think if he wanted you to know he would have already told you.

[OOHMY]

Geez! Why does it matter to you so much! Let him be, being gay is no different than being straight. Hes still a person!

[Jonboy582]

Well I'm strait so no he is safe from me. But knowing what I know about him, I can see him standing on egg shells all day long. Always has to watch what he says, handle conversations about homosexuality in a particular way etc. Just thought it might be nice if there was one less person he had to be careful what he says around thats all.

[CarnelianButterfly]

If he hasn't said anything to you, then its none of your business. His close friends are just that, close friends. You are just another student at school, not a close friend, your knowledge or involvement in his sexual choices is nothing unless he wants to include you. You don't know if he is gay, you don't know if he is bi, it's his choice not to tell you, if he hasn't its probable he doesn't want your nose in his business.

[Jonboy582]

Geez! Why does it matter to you so much! Let him be, being gay is no different than being straight. Hes still a person!

Ok maybe I did not make it clear enough. I don't want to let him know so I can be like hey I know your gay but its our secret. I know being gay isn't really any different, but then again I am yet to meet a strait person who hides there strait and tries to make everyone think there gay. And was considering telling him because of the reasons of mine in the post above.

[OOHMY]

Ok maybe I did not make it clear enough. I don't want to let him know so I can be like hey I know your gay but its our secret. I know being gay isn't really any different, but then again I am yet to meet a strait person who hides there strait and tries to make everyone think there gay. And was considering telling him because of the reasons of mine in the post above.

 

You see my point though? It can come off to him differently.

 

So really, let it be, your not one of his close friends or he would of told you.

 

Telling him hey I know your gay, is not your business and its just like sticking it right in his face, which is rude and unnecessary.

[Jonboy582]

If he hasn't said anything to you, then its none of your business. His close friends are just that, close friends. You are just another student at school, not a close friend, your knowledge or involvement in his sexual choices is nothing unless he wants to include you. You don't know if he is gay, you don't know if he is bi, it's his choice not to tell you, if he hasn't its probable he doesn't want your nose in his business.

Well I am going on holiday with him so he isn't "Just another class mate" and I never said he told his close friends he was gay. I said closed group i.e. they are 1 group who don't really have any interaction with another of his social circles.

[JadedStar]

Every gay person i am sure wants to come out in their own pace. I have learned that frmo having many gay friends and from gay friends on forums. They normally would rather be the one to mention it, when and if they feel ready.

 

Just be his friend. He is probably used to his lifestyle and i think this all bothers you more than him at this point.

[OOHMY]

Oh, sorry I read off what someone else said.

 

But look he will tell you when he feels the time is right, just be patient.

 

Its that you are around the group of school friends and he may be afraid you will slip it out, or use it against him for some reason. So relax, just be a friend and give it time.

[Jonboy582]

The thing is I am one of his closer friends. But I believe he has not told me as I am in his group of friends which are on the same course. One of these people are openly homophobic so I believe this to be the reason he is hiding it.

 

I just thought it might have been nice if he didn't have to hide who he was from certain groups of his friends in fear others may find out.

 

But if you think that might upset him I will keep quiet. BTW are you talking from what you believe or experience?

[OOHMY]

Me? Experience.

 

I know for a fact, that a gay person needs their own space and time to let people know more.

 

If you say, hey I know your gay, regardless of how you say it, its almost like attacking the fact that they are gay.

[Jonboy582]

i think this all bothers you more than him at this point.

It doesn't really bother me that much, I just got thinking and wanted to know if it would have been nice for me to let him know so he didn't have to hide it as much.

[JadedStar]

The thing is I am one of his closer friends. But I believe he has not told me as I am in his group of friends which are on the same course. One of these people are openly homophobic so I believe this to be the reason he is hiding it.

 

I just thought it might have been nice if he didn't have to hide who he was from certain groups of his friends in fear others may find out.

 

But if you think that might upset him I will keep quiet. BTW are you talking from what you believe or experience?

 

Not sure if this was for me or OHMY but for me it is from knowing many gay friends. They all realize that some hetero friends wanna do the right thing and be cool about it, but they are used to living in a bit of secrecy and it is far better to let THEM do the coming out on their own timetable. Sometimes hetero friends do it for themselves and gratuitous reasons even when they don't realize it.

[Jonboy582]

If you say, hey I know your gay, regardless of how you say it, its almost like attacking the fact that they are gay.

Ok now thats confusing, and if I ever said anything it would be a lot more tactful than "Hey I know your gay", I would say it only if he was trying to hide something in front of me when its only me or whatever.

 

But yes I get it people, don't say anything unless he tells me first.

 

Is it ok to make myself more approachable to confide such a secret in? i.e. by letting him know either by over hearing or whatever that I am in no way homophobic or anything like that. Or should I just drop it all now?

[Catatonic]

He might not be ready to be out to you so like everyone else says, let him tell you and not the other way around.

[OOHMY]

Ok now thats confusing, and if I ever said anything it would be a lot more tactful than "Hey I know your gay", I would say it only if he was trying to hide something in front of me when its only me or whatever.

 

But yes I get it people, don't say anything unless he tells me first.

 

Is it ok to make myself more approachable to confide such a secret in? i.e. by letting him know either by over hearing or whatever that I am in no way homophobic or anything like that. Or should I just drop it all now?

 

Drop it, he will tell you if hes ready.

[JadedStar]

I think the best thing you can do is just be a good friend and for God's sakes don't make any stupid gay references or jokes like many well intending people do.

 

I have been in this situation and friends told me simply from knowing me long enough and they knew i was not homophobic, but i never had to tell them that. They just knew from our interactions.

 

I hate to cmopare it to let's say being black or a minority but so many well meaning white people go out of their way around black friends to seem so cool with things. They know they are black. They don't need any special conversations surrounding it. They don't need their white friends to say "i am really not prejudice at all'... they will know it by how you act. Not drawing attention to it is probably what your friend would appreciate....

[Jonboy582]

for God's sakes don't make any stupid gay references or jokes like many well intending people do.

Well thats 90% if my Jokes down the toilet only kidding Ok I got it, no gay jokes, don't deliberately make myself more approachable and definitely don't tell him or others that I know. Wow this sucks wish I never posted, now its me thats having to watch everything I say !

 

EDIT: Jaded star stop adding to your post lol, I keep having to add to mine. You can't really compare it though. Its pretty hard to hide the colour (

 

Anyhow don't add more

[JadedStar]

Well thats 90% if my Jokes down the toilet only kidding Ok I got it, no gay jokes, don't deliberately make myself more approachable and definitely don't tell him or others that I know. Wow this sucks wish I never posted, now its me thats having to watch everything I say !

 

LOL relax man...BE YOURSELF but seriously if you want to make a gay friend be comfortable you have to know that gay slurs are out.

 

It's like this - if you are not the type of person to make racial or sexual slurs or jokes you have nothing to worry about. If you ARE that type, well then you already know you are going to offend many people in your lifetime anyway, not just him. I can't tell you how many times in my life some idiot made a racial or religious joke to someone and that person was married to a person of that race or religious affiliation and DIDN"T find it funny. Humor is so much more unique when it is not putting down a group of people. Unless you BELONG to that group of people making it fair game. Hence the Seinfeld jewish "i converted for the jokes" episode. LOL

 

I have never been a proponent of racial or sexual preference jokes or slang thereforeeee i always can be myself around anyone without fear of offending or fear of making a "slip". If i offend them it is not due to their color or orientation it is just because of somethign else they did i didn't like. LOL My big mouth always gets me in trouble but not because of that kind of joke.

[Jonboy582]

Well I'm the kind of person who can get away with a certain degree of personal jokes. I know where to draw the line 99% of the time as I have been the but of many in my life and know whats acceptable. I'm the person who takes the mick out of my mates girlfriends breasts in front of her and him but in the end she feels good about herself and he does not get jealous if you understand what I'm saying. But I'm not the person who makes a joke and people pretend not to be offended but really are All that on the jokes I tell lol.

[JadedStar]

Well I'm the kind of person who can get away with a certain degree of personal jokes. I know where to draw the line 99% of the time as I have been the but of many in my life and know whats acceptable. I'm the person who takes the mick out of my mates girlfriends breasts in front of her and him but in the end she feels good about herself and he does not get jealous if you understand what I'm saying. But I'm not the person who makes a joke and people pretend not to be offended but really are All that on the jokes I tell lol.

 

there are some people who can make jokes in a way that everyone realizes that is just who they are and don't take offense. My husband is like that. I swear that man is something else in the realm of jokes. He can take them far far to the edge but people just realize he is one of those "hate 'em all equally" types. LOL But in jest. He really loves everybody. that is the key, being able to tell a joke but your audience knows you well enough to know it is really just humor.

[Jonboy582]

I know what you mean, I met someone far beyond the realms of what I thought was humanly possible to get away with. His is about 45 and joked to a random lady when he was at the lawyers that she was getting too much sex. She was shocked but went bright red and giggled and found it amusing and I was stunned how he got away with it.

[oceanview]

Totally understand why you'd like to let him know, but let him disclose that info.

[CarnelianButterfly]

If you want to know about experience, I have a friend that has not come out to me or several other close friends. He has to some people, but like I said, it is HIS choice. I'm not going to force the matter by coming up to him and saying 'I know you're gay'. I personally think that is very rude.

 

Just accept him for who he is and move on, if he tells you, he tells you, if not consider, his reasons and Let it Go.