Should I let him know I know he is Gay/Bi

[Lucy_lou]

Hey Jonboy, I can see you're just trying to take some weight off your friend. And It's good that he has you.(but just to gang up on you a little more) there was something in your wording in your initial post that was disconcerting to me. The whole, 'he has not told anyone that he's gay' wording, like it's somthing you have the right to know, like as if it were some kind of hazard. I mean if he's an axe murderer, then yes, you'd have the right to know, but if he is a fag, then no. He has no obligation. And it's no big deal. Your wording puts a lot of weight on it as some issue. It worried me that you were considering confronting him in a heavy, serious manner.

 

That said,

 

My advice is to not say anything until you know how to think about it in a lighter, 'no big deal' kind of way. Say this over and over and over: no big deal, no big deal. Perspectives are contageous, and if it's no big deal to you, then it will be less of a big deal to him. Don't think of it as some serious talk which has to happen. If he's being coy about it saying 'my partner' then it means you haven't yet succeeded in proving to him that you're not a homophobe.

 

I think it would be ok to make a comment, if it's just you and him, light heartedly acknowledging that he's into guys. I know I appreciate being given opportunitie to come out to people. For example, if you were talking about a girl you were seeing, or a girl you fancied, you could just say something like, 'do you like girls? or are you only into guys?' another example from my experience of a straight friend letting me know he knew, was when we were playing pool and I said 'the stick's bent' and he just smiled and said 'not as bent as you.' Another way, really subtle, would be if he talks about his partner, and for example you might ask 'what does your partner do?' and he'll answer, and then you could ask another question and include the word 'he' but make it all totally non eventful.

 

So it is your job now to demonstrate to him that he can trust you not to be an a hole, or some annoying straight person who thinks they're gay friendly, but aren't as cool as they think. If one of your classmates is homophobic, how do you deal with him? what have you normally said to this homophobe when he makes homophobic comments? do you pay out on him for it or do you just let it pass. If you don't have the balls to stand up for gay people when this homophobe says stuff, then you're demonstrating to your gay friend that you are not an ally. When it comes to verbal gay bashing, silence is consent.

[Jonboy582]

Wow thanks for the long post, well hopefully as I guess you read my other posts you realize it isn't some kind of big deal to me, I just rushed my first post and now have everyone ganging up on me lol.

 

As for the comments from the other guy its just he said "I admit I'm homophobic and if one of my friends turned out to be gay I'm not sure I could be there friend anymore, I would not know what they would do to me" Pretty much a classic case of a strait guy thinking all gay guys fancy him and are going to rape him. First of all to jump strait to defend this was said gay guy and I did back him up and support him as well.

 

For now I think I'm just going to forget this whole fiasco that I seem to have created in my little section of this forum. I won't say a thing and that until we start socializing more outside of Uni and the occasional trip to the pub i.e. when we go snowboarding. And then I may do as you said Lucy_lou. Also don't get me wrong I know saying fiasco and saying I'm going to leave it make it sound like I am making it a big deal lol, I'm not I just mean the debacle on this site.

 

Jon

[JadedStar]

For now I think I'm just going to forget this whole fiasco that I seem to have created in my little section of this forum. I won't say a thing and that until we start socializing more outside of Uni and the occasional trip to the pub i.e. when we go snowboarding. And then I may do as you said Lucy_lou. Also don't get me wrong I know saying fiasco and saying I'm going to leave it make it sound like I am making it a big deal lol, I'm not I just mean the debacle on this site.

 

LOL jon, don't be silly. This site is for problems like this, many kinds of problems. This was a very positive thread as you seem to have many viewpoints you are now pondering. I think it is great when an OP walks away from a thread feeling that they may have learned something or did in fact get some helpful answers.

 

And the cool thing is think of how many poeple will read your thread in a similar situation but didn't actuall post their dilemma. They can read your thread and learn a lot without even having to post.

[Lucy_lou]

Hey Jon

 

I second what Jaded Star says.

 

Your post was interesting and a good issue for us all to think about. I hope you don't get scared off by having been misundertood and then lynched by us.

 

keep us updated, we'll be kind.

[jon 13]

man... i feel bad for straight people.. no matter what they say or do.. you'll get some people attacking him for no apparent reason.. thats the majority of the first page is.. attack after attack..

 

like "Geez! Why does it matter to you so much! Let him be, being gay is no different than being straight. Hes still a person!"

 

.... * * *, perhaps if you actually Read the damn post without a hint of selective reading.. you would've noticed that he was trying to make his friend feel better and more conferable.. i.e, not having to hide who he is and just be.. Himself!..

[Jonboy582]

man... i feel bad for straight people.. no matter what they say or do.. you'll get some people attacking him for no apparent reason.. thats the majority of the first page is.. attack after attack..

 

like "Geez! Why does it matter to you so much! Let him be, being gay is no different than being straight. Hes still a person!"

 

.... * * *, perhaps if you actually Read the damn post without a hint of selective reading.. you would've noticed that he was trying to make his friend feel better and more conferable.. i.e, not having to hide who he is and just be.. Himself!..

HAHA thanks someone who does not want to attack me lol, I have had to put a whole paragraph in all my later posts about gay people to make sure people to take offense etc. People always seem to think worst unless told otherwise.

[Jenmb116]

Hey Jon,

 

I was recently in your position... I found out a new friend of mine was gay, thanks to a slip-up of one of his other friends during a conversation when he was not there. I had already suspected for a while at that point, but I find it rude and intrusive to bluntly ask someone about their sex life. Plus, if they want you to know, they will tell you.

 

I was then put in the position of..."do I tell him I know, or wait for him to tell me when he's ready?" I kind of felt like I would be lying to him if I didn't, and thought that maybe by telling him I could help him be more relaxed around me...not always watching what he does or says like you mentioned. At the same time, I wanted him to trust me enough to tell me himself, if he chose to...either way I'd still be his friend.

 

Well, anyways, this was three months ago...we are now really close friends and he just recently told me. Granted, the same friend that slipped up in front of me told him I knew first... I am glad he finally did, because now he is so much more relaxed around me and we talk about everything. I was of course worried he would be mad at me, but he understood. He also told me that he has trusted me for a long time, but it is sometimes very hard to come out to someone...because you really don't have a solid way of determining how they will react.

 

My advice to you is to wait, if he wants you to know he will tell you...and even then it can be hard, so just be a good friend and don't get hung up on something that really has nothing to do with your friendship.

 

Good luck,

Jennifer

[Jonboy582]

Will do thanks for the reply.