CynicalGuitarist Posted October 10, 2007 Share Posted October 10, 2007 I should be sleeping now. It's so hard to sleep lately. I'm always on a thin wire at work, and that anxiety carries into my everyday life. I wish I could simply just RELAX, but I haven't actually had a vacation in AGES. Yeah, I have time OFF, but it's really not the same thing. The only day off I have this week is gonna be spent at the dentist... probably twice because I'm extremely prone to cavities (YES, even when I eat healthy). Having a week-by-week schedule SUCKS. Sometimes, I'd really just wish they'd fire my useless self already, but I'd be S.o.L, cause my drug test wouldn't come out clean and I'd essentially have no job experience. Oh yeah, speaking of drugs, I quit those too... but hypocritically, I can't help but have a couple more kisses of Mary Jane every now and then. I wish I could stop altogether, because it just doesn't work the way it used to anymore, but IDK... I guess it's just an idiosyncrasy of mine. I wanna be a successful singer songwriter. More than anything else outta life. I really want to... but I have writers' block. I've had it all my life. I mean, yeah sure I can write normally just fine, but any fool with half a left-brain can do that. I'm just plain uninspired. Plus, a lot of the musicians around are a bunch of chicken-ishts, and want to live "normal" lives, so I have no backing musicians. But I never give up. The only reason I even bother with this sphere of god crap called planet earth is because of that. Really, it's all I've got, and all I ever had. Take that away, and I'm nothing. Take away my drive to make a living off making music, and I'm already dead. The single life sucks. It sucks, but at least it's better than having one of those plain-jane relationships where there's nothing goin' on. Oh well, what woman wants anything to do with me (except for the desperate "fall for any guy that befriends me!" wallflowers and drunk, ugly girls) who has the reverse-midas touch, ADHD, and shifting anxiety-lethargy? It doesn't matter anymore. The only difference between the single life and just settling for some random girl just because she's "nice" is the fact that I can masturbate a little more freely. Y'know how people sometimes lie to children saying "everyone's a winner in their own way!" Psh, if only I told those children about my plight. I'm not a winner. Never was. I always lost and was humiliated. Literally, symbolically, and figuratively. The ratio of wins I've had in my life is nothing short of another one of god's bad jokes. I'm slow, stupid, incompetent, clumsy, short, disgusting, lethargic, lazy, apathetic, and generally retarted. I didn't choose to be that way, despite popular belief. I give 110 percent effort, I'm peaceful, I'm compassionate, I'm dedicated... but none of that matters because of that stupid reverse-midas touch. Whatever, I guess it's time to grow up; time to get over myself and live with being mediocre. Hell, even my boss openly asks me if I have mental problems. Oh, and for those optimists who tell me to "think positive, and everything will be OK!" I've tried that all my life... I've tried it over and over and over again... but it works about as well as patting a sick dog on the belly. I know there's some sure-fire way to kill myself, but the fear of living through it is holding me back... Damnit. Link to comment
OOHMY Posted October 10, 2007 Share Posted October 10, 2007 HUGS! I'm sorry your down and feeling so blah right now. I can't sleep either I have to get up for work tomorrow, EEK! I have no idea where I'm going with my life, but I'm trying to pick up, move and start over. Don't want the reminders of my crappy life so far, everywhere I turn around here is a bad memory. I'm sorry your feeling this way and I wish I could put a smile on your face! Link to comment
Leonhart Posted October 10, 2007 Share Posted October 10, 2007 This is a good topic. At least you're being honest with yourself. More than I can say for most people. Happy grass... maybe THAT'S what's missing from my life...? I'm pretty miserable as is... maybe that's all I need? I've got nothing going for me and no future to look forward to myself. And yes, I too should be sleeping. But that's okay. The 15+ hours I sleep during the day will make up for whatever sleep I lose now. I think I'll borrow some pot from my mom. She always has lots. lol Link to comment
CynicalGuitarist Posted October 10, 2007 Author Share Posted October 10, 2007 This is a good topic. At least you're being honest with yourself. More than I can say for most people. Happy grass... maybe THAT'S what's missing from my life...? I'm pretty miserable as is... maybe that's all I need? I've got nothing going for me and no future to look forward to myself. And yes, I too should be sleeping. But that's okay. The 15+ hours I sleep during the day will make up for whatever sleep I lose now. I think I'll borrow some pot from my mom. She always has lots. lol It works great at first... but don't mistaken it for a permanent solution. I've been smoking it on and off for almost 3 years, and it just makes me sleepy now. Link to comment
miss888s Posted October 10, 2007 Share Posted October 10, 2007 i totally know what you mean... i actually dread bed time...im going through a really lonely spot at the moment. i have a great career, close group of friends and am always busy...but to be honest deep down im empty.... this feeling sucks but hopefully it will go away though i doubt it... it does help if you fill your day doing something...get active...find something to do just to pass the time away.... Link to comment
CynicalGuitarist Posted October 11, 2007 Author Share Posted October 11, 2007 it does help if you fill your day doing something...get active...find something to do just to pass the time away.... Riding my bike does tend to help a little, but it's getting colder, starting to rain more often, and I just don't have as much time as I used to. Link to comment
AhypnoticSuggestion Posted October 11, 2007 Share Posted October 11, 2007 It sucks you're feeling so low man. I haven't been able to maintain a positive mindset for more than a few hours since before I was a teenager. For me it's been getting progressively worse and worse as the years go by and right now I'm at a very low point. One thing that has helped my chin to stay up, though, is the belief that things must get better than this; for a persons life to be one continuous downward spiral seems too unfair to be a reality. Sometimes, though, I wonder about the poor souls who are born into extreme poverty in a third world cesspool and end up dieing from starvation at some ridiculously young age. What about them? It may be an extreme situation, but does it prove that some people are destined to live sad, boring, and ultimately meaningless lives? I don't think anyone can know for sure. Life is too damn complex. Expect the worst cynical guitarist, but hope for the best. Link to comment
monkey123 Posted October 12, 2007 Share Posted October 12, 2007 cynical i read ur post and i feel like im headed in your direction. Im only 18 years old and im miserable. Ive never been good at anything i feel like, except guitar but im not good enough to take it anywhere. Guitar is the only thing i have ever impressed people with in my life and im starting to lost interest in it because i feel like * * * * all the time and i would rather just think about how * * * *ty my life is. I dont know what to say, i could talk for hours about my problems but i dont think anyone wants to listen. i just keep them inside and it builds up. anyways im sorry i hope that things will start to turn up for people like you and me. Link to comment
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