Can a special relationship really end like this?

[frail]

My ex and i broke up about 3 weeks ago. We were very close, we loved each other very much. He was with alot of girls in his lifetime and he told me i was one of a kind and he never had been in a relationship as special as ours. And had never been with a girl who loved him as much as i have.

 

The relationship ended very abruptly over an argument that would'nt typicallly destroy a relationship. He got made a me for being upset that he wasn't showing me much attention at his sisters wedding. It was really as if i wasnt even there. The next thing i knew, it was over and i had to pack up my things and move out. He wasn't willing to talk about it and his actions were so extreme, it was as if he had caught me cheating with someone in our bed. I have been NC with him since the day i moved out. He contacted a friend of mine to see how i was doing about a week ago. I don't quite get it!

 

What are the chances of us ever speaking again? I don't ever plan on breaking NC. But i wonder if like in 6 months, his pride will ware down and he'll call me to talk. What do u think?

[Zackinlaw]

My guess that his reaction to the argument was a pretext for something else. There simply has to be some other reason for his extreme reaction. Unless you can find out why he really broke it off, it's impossible to know if it's fixable.

 

Did he break up with his last gf the same way to be with you?

 

Zack.

[Jayar]

My guess that his reaction to the argument was a pretext for something else. There simply has to be some other reason for his extreme reaction. Unless you can find out why he really broke it off, it's impossible to know if it's fixable.

 

Did he break up with his last gf the same way to be with you?

 

Zack.

 

Agreed 100% with Zack.

 

I also think that people who tend to be this way are baaaaaaad news for you, girl, and will wear down your esteem and confidence until you're simple putty in their hands.

[Up and Down]

It sounds like he was thinking about this for a while and is using this as an excuse. When my ex broke up she started to list absolutely stupid reasons for breaking up, but they do this in order to justify their decision. Whether its right or wrong doesn't matter in reality because they have made a decision either way.

 

You may speak again go NC. At first I did NC but then broke down, I hate myself for it as I am a proud person, but be strong and just explain that you need time to heal. In time you will speak again. I would think its rare not to when you have had a loving relationship. Unless you were with a very cold person.

[fnlyfrei]

Frail, sometimes people do things for reasons that really have nothing to do at all with YOU. It feels like it, it's confusing, you blame yourself...beat yourself up...but not kidding..you might not have ANYTHING to do with his reaction.

I wouldn't sit around waiting for him to apologize...go forward in your life...and the next time he contacts anyone to see how you are doing...they will say, WOW, she is doing AWESOME!

 

He sounds like he has some things to work through. You will find someone even more awesome.

[happygolucky]

It seems like an issue with him not you... you don't need it.

[Gratsy]

It sounds like he was thinking about this for a while and is using this as an excuse. When my ex broke up she started to list absolutely stupid reasons for breaking up, but they do this in order to justify their decision. Whether its right or wrong doesn't matter in reality because they have made a decision either way.

 

.

 

I agree with this. He had another reason in his head and thought about it before this escalated. At his sister's wedding...if he didn't pay attention to you than that is a sign in itself that he's not right for you. He should be proud of you not ignore you...esp. at a family get together.

[Clarity]

I agree that the wedding argument just seems like the "out" he has been looking for for some time. It sounds as if he has wanted out for a while, but just needed to "justify" it.

[Gratsy]

He might also have gotten a bit scared by the idea of commitment. Who knows. But in the end, you'll be better off than him considering what a jerk he is. It might hurt a while though.

[brokedownpalace]

i agree it could have been building up for a long time and it really wasnt about the wedding..

 

but.. sometimes its easier to get back into a relationship when theres an argument.. because cooler heads usually prevail.

 

If he was very calm with you when breaking up thats another thing...

[frail]

Thank you all for your quick and thoughtful responses.

 

The girl he was engaged to before he met me, cheated on him with her ex. He hated her guts for it. He was engaged before her as well but i don't know what happened in that relationship.

 

I have to admit, there probably is another reason behind all of this. Him and i are two completely different people. He is very smart and socialable. He makes alot of money at his job. I'm not quite as smart as him, and have a difficulty being social. He'd get angry at me because i'd put off finding a job. I'd get depressed about it because i only seem smart enough and worthy for general labor jobs only. Being with someone so secessful was hard. I felt i was good for him because i loved him for everything he was and i was proud of him. I didn't like the fact that he traveled all the time for work but i delt with it. I am faithful. And eventhough he made alot of money, i was with him when he didn't, and i'm not a gold digger. I had plans to go back to school and get a degree. I wanted to better myself. But i knew i'd never be as good as him. And sadly, i felt like i wasn't an equal in the relationship and never would be.

 

We had gotten into a fight before and he said i had to prove to him i was good enough for him by finding a job. I got into school to do something i really wanted to do, and i got a job related to what i was going to school for. I was so damn proud of myself. And after i did what he wanted me to do, he broke up with me. And i had to leave all that i had acomplished.

 

I still don't get that. I don't like ot admit it, but i think that all of which i just said may have to do with those "other" reason you had mentioned.

 

Thanks guys

[love4life]

This is what happened to me, too - break-up out of the blue (no arguments ever, nothing). Looking back now that I've found some clarity and have accepted it, I see that as the honeymoon phase ended, my ex started to be verbally abusive (called me a b*tch when I hadn't done anything wrong - this was simply during a group drinking game), and was a bit insulting here and there towards the end. Instead of speaking up, I let these things slide. I also made myself too available so he could have me around whenever he wanted me. Finally, he broke up with me.

 

I think a HUGE mistake a lot of women make (which I see now I made, too) that end up getting them dumped for no reason is that over time, they make themselves too available, they compromise too easily and they make excuses for the BF's poor behavior. In essense, we allow ourselves to become a bit of a doormat because we feel that will help us hold on to our man. In truth, keeping an independent attitude which will indirectly remind the BF that we can walk away at any moment and not look back is the way to go. That doesn't mean we don't provide love and support, but we make sure to keep some of that love and support in reserve for ourselves. Otherwise, they take us for granted and, when these unexpected break-ups happen, we're left feeling like half of ourselves was ripped away.

 

This is a huge lesson for me and I will be sure to not let myself be stepped on again in a future relationship. I would suggest that once you're through the denial/shock (when you're constantly asking why and what you could have done better), look back over the relationship and see if maybe you allowed yourself to bend too much to accommodate him.

 

Staying in NC is the way to go because by doing so, you're showing him through your actions that you can walk away and not look back. Keep up the good work!

[love4life]

I'm not quite as smart as him, and have a difficulty being social. He'd get angry at me because i'd put off finding a job. I'd get depressed about it because i only seem smart enough and worthy for general labor jobs only... But i knew i'd never be as good as him. And sadly, i felt like i wasn't an equal in the relationship and never would be.

 

...he said i had to prove to him i was good enough for him by finding a job.

 

You can't put yourself down so much. You ARE good enough! There were obviously things about you that he loved, but you started to question yourself (whether because he put you down or because you yourself felt you weren't good enough). And the fact that you started to try very hard to achieve the accomplishments you did speaks volumes. However, when you said you had to do it FOR HIM - that's the problem. You should have been doing it for yourself. Try to remember that in future relationships. The accomplishments you have and what you're proud of are for YOU, not for your SO.

[hopefulromantic79]

That was me in a nutshell! I also made it way too easy for my ex...but he even told me that's what I needed to do and the way to be happy was to dedicate my love, time and energy to just him. I sure didn't believe this was normal, healthy behavior at first, but after a while I became addicted to him and just wanted to do anything and everything to please him...I think of some things and I cringe...honestly.

 

I think hopefully when you start a relationship with a normal, healthy guy, things will move at a better pace and it will just feel right...no games, no second guessing, no feeling like you need to sacrifice everything for the other person. There's a part of me that knows that he saw my vulnerability and insecurity from a mile away...my ex stalked me in a way at the beginning...I didn't have a moment's peace...but when I didn't provide what he ultimately needed in the end, it was over in a flash and he was onto the next victim. I hate to say these things about him...honestly, I want to see the best in everyone...as long as he looks at other people to fill his needs (and as long as I do the same), this vicious cycle will continue...not an appealing way to spend my life even if it means I'll wind up an old maid with a houseful of cats...good thing I LOVE the little furballs.

[RayKay]

Aye, well my first impression when I read further into your thread was he has been engaged TWICE before you; and both engagements ended (even though one was because she cheated, it shows he may rush into things...) and I get the impression he probably told them similar things he told you because he may be more in idea with love, than ready to really be loving.

 

How long were you dating? How old are you both? How long were his previous engagements?

 

People often look for the "reasons" to end things once they already decided they want to; to back up their feelings. Seems to be he was looking for the "final straw" to do it and justify it.

 

As for yourself; honey, you need to work on yourself and YOUR self esteem. Feeling like you have a less equal standing to a partner is never going to end well; he was not better than you just because he was more successful; and if he made you feel that way shame on him...if you felt that way because of your own insecurities, time to work on yourself and getting to a place where you realize you are a great person for whom you are, and just as deserving as anyone else in being treated as and being an equal.

[Cassie]

We had gotten into a fight before and he said i had to prove to him i was good enough for him by finding a job. I got into school to do something i really wanted to do, and i got a job related to what i was going to school for. I was so damn proud of myself. And after i did what he wanted me to do, he broke up with me. And i had to leave all that i had acomplished.

 

As you should be proud of yourself, Frail! Look what you can do when you put your mind to it. You certainly don't sound like an unintelligent, second-class gal to me.

 

But why did you feel you had to walk away from your job and all your accomplishments after the breakup?

[frail]

Thanks again you guys.

 

RayKay: Your probably right and some of the others... when said he probably already made the desicion a while back. I'm 24 and he's 27. I don't know how long his previous engagments lasted. He was in the Navy for 6 years and both relationships were during that time. We met here in Michigan. He had just got out of the Navy and moved here. We dated for about 3-4 months. That 4th month, he started acting weird. Easily irretable. Mean. He got offered a job in Ohio and asked me if i wanted to go. And that he was excited for this job and he was so happy i was there for him to share it with me. I agreed to go with him. About 2 weeks before the move he broke up with me. I can't remember why though honestly. He moved without me. We were broken up for about 6 months. During that time he lost his job in Ohio. He went into deep debt. He ended up having to move out and in with his dad. He called me late one night out of the blue telling me he had missed me. That after his last gf cheated on him, he didn't think love was real anymore. And while i was with him for those 3 months, he was cheating on me with some other girl. He had also started taking drugs around the time we started dating. While in Ohio he overdosed. He had a second chance at life and wanted me to be his. He said he regreted what he did and that he loved me and always had. He had gotten clean, goes to church, and attends NA.

 

He sucked me in by driving 3 hours to see me everyday i was off work. We got back together but we still lived 3 hours apart and he'd drive up to stay with me on the weekends. After 6 months he found another job in his career field, it was in Ohio, he wanted me to move down and we'd get an apartment. So i quit my job, packed up, and moved ot be with him.

 

Which answers Cassies question, i lived in Ohio with him. I had no friends or family there. Sure i could've took out loans to stay somewhere but i wouldbt have survived being all alone with no one, so i returned back home to Michigan.

 

I didn't mention the whole drug thing before because i don't think he's back to doing it again. However, he fooled me once.

[hopefulromantic79]

Wow, that's actually not surprising to hear. My ex had some problems with alcohol...just a way to mask the internal pain inside of them. It's very sad. But there was nothing you could do to "fix" him and he's probably looking for someone who can...he saw a "weakness" in you at some point and ran...that's what happened in my situation as well. You are SO better off, though. You are only 24 and have your whole life ahead of you -- that is too young to worry about a guy like this. He may be a sweet guy and you may still love him -- but until he loves himself and stops looking to other things for answers (ie - relationships, drugs, sex, etc.), he's not going to be a man worthy of a relationship with you. It takes guts and commitment to move there for him and you should be proud of yourself. Life is all about making mistakes (especially in love) and learning...and you are very fortunate to be so young learning from yours...

[Sjmcdona]

It sounds like he was thinking about this for a while and is using this as an excuse.

 

I agree 150%. Breaking up with someone is never easy to do, sounds like he may have been thinking about it for some time and saw this as an easy way out. The truth is if he'd take the easy way out to hurt you then you're better off without him.

 

Remember: you really are okay, there was life before, there will be life after and you will meet someone new when you're ready.

[frail]

Your most likely right. It sucks though thinking that he's been wanting to break up with me for a while and all the i love yous and i want to marry yous were all lies.

[mbird]

I wouldn't class them as lies I would class them as being very confused, I'm not saying it was right but lifes to short to resent.

 

Think yourself lucky of what you have had,yes it's gone and you want it back but that chapter is over now.

 

Not many people are in or have ever been in a REAL loving relationship. Take your wisdom and experience from it and hopfully carry on building on that the next time it comes around. which could be tomorrow or in a years time, isn't life exciting....

 

But make no mistake you are not alone, I and many others on here feel the same.