Mum's dting again!

[Sugar-Rush]

Hi Guys,

 

Ranting really...

For those of you that don't know my daddy died 14 months ago of cancer, he and my mum had been married very happily for 32 years.

 

My mum called me up the other night to tell me she was seeing this new man and wanted to check that it was okay with me and i wasn't going to be terribly hurt...i think in a way she feels very guilty. She is 54 and the new man is 60, his wife died a few years back from cancer too..he is a very nice man from what i can see.

 

I told my mum it was fine, because she deserves to be happy, she could be alive for another 40 years, the last thing i want is for her to be alone. I just feel so angry and confused inside...i don't know how she can be over losing my daddy already when i'm not. I don't understand how she can move on so quickly after 32 years....

I know my dad wouldn't want her to be alone...but i just feel so AAARRRRRGGHHHH

 

I love him so much and all i want is for him to come back and my mum is moving on....I don't live at home and i know i'm acting very immaturely...but i just hurt

 

 

Sugar xxxx

[jevonj77]

That was 32 yrs....that's not a joke you know. You can't fake that long of being together. 32 years!! That's a very, very, very, very long time...she had to have loved your father.

 

Sometimes, though, when one is alone, and I'm guessing in her case she's been dealing with the fact that he'd be gone much before he left due to her already knowing he had cancer, they need that extra companionship in order to not die themselves of sadness. The good thing in this relationship is that this guy of hers also has lost a spouse due to cancer. Why is that good?...well it's good because they both won't expect the other to be tottally over their previous spouses but they'll be able to help each other heal better.

 

So you're thinking that she's getting rid of the thought of her former husband in her mind...not so in this kind of relationship. The mutual understanding of the two will allow for the right amount of grieving to continue while also being comforted by each other. The fact that the two of them will comfort each other through this pain will allow for them to get closer through this mutual heartache.

[Zackinlaw]

Your conflict is perfectly understandable, there's nothing immature about it. Just because your mum is moving on with her life doesn't mean she is "over" your dad at all ... after 32 years together, she probably never will be ... he'll always be the great love of her life.

 

Unlike a breakup or a divorce, there's nothing that can be fixed here by waiting, and your mum deserves companionship from a nice man who understands exactly what she's going through. They can console each other.

 

I'm sure, in your head, you know that your mum is not doing this out of disrepect for your dad's memory. Try very hard to keep your anger in check ... I'm sure that deciding to move forward was a difficult decision for her, and she probably feels some guilt over it already.

 

I'm so sorry for your loss.

 

Zack.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

There are a lot of people who can't handle being alone so if their spouse dies, they find someone else. It has nothing to do with the fact that they have gotten over their deceased partner, it has to do with not wanting to be alone. I see that happen all the time....a famous one....Paul McCartney who was so in love with Linda McCartney and never spent time apart from her (so the story goes)...Linda dies and within a short period of time he re-marries. Of course we know that didn't last.

 

I am sure it hurts to see your mother seemingly move on so quickly....but I doubt very much that she has moved on in her heart. It is very much the same kind of thing as a rebound relationship.

[Honey Pumpkin]

I've read that if someone is in a long and happy marriage, when that ends due to death they are MUCH more likely to remarry quickly than someone who has never been married. I think it's a strange kind of tribute to your father - your mother knows how to make a successful relationship work.

 

Try to be kind - life is hard, and if your mother has found someone who makes her happy, then try not to judge her. It doesn't say anything about her life with your father.

[redrose85]

It may also be that your mother had known for quite awhile, that your dad was going to pass away. Sometimes people will start the grieving process even before their loved one has passed, because it is inevitable. After such a long and happy marriage, there is no way that she can replace your father, and most likely wouldn't want to try. Human companionship is one of the most basic needs, and it seems as though she will find a great amount of solace getting to know this other guy who lost his loved one as well.

[Locke2121]

She waited nearly a year and a half! Thats a long time to be alone after 32 years of having someone. I'm pretty sure, that somewhere along the way, he and she talked about her moving on and finding someone else.

 

Remember, her liking or even loving this new guy doesn't diminish the love she will always have for your father. He was her husband, father to her children, best friend, lover, confidant and companion for more years than you have been alive. She'll never forget him, and a place in her heart will always be his, forever and always.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Life is easier when you're not alone and when you have someone to share good and bad moments with.Kids grow up and leave the house.....your partner dies....after some time you need to start living again...otherwise you might just die from sadness.

 

Life is not "easier" when you are not alone, it is just different. Being alone without a partner is not so terrible that people should jump from one relationship to the next. Starting to live again after the death of a partner does not HAVE to mean finding a new partner. It is about enjoying life once again and having fond memories. I think too many people jump into another relationship after a breakup or death in order to ease their pain. It has nothing to do with finding love again...it has everything to do with neediness and using someone else to fill the emptiness rather than using your own resources.

 

I suspect the original poster's mother found someone to fill the hole, someone who feels the same hole and knows what it is like to have their partner die of cancer. This is a bond based on neediness between both and a sharing of tragedies. It is not the solid bond that your parents had (assuming their marriage was a very happy and fulfilling one).

 

There are plenty of people whose spouses die and they remain single and unattached for a very long time afterwards and carry on happy, content and fulfilled lives.

[jevonj77]

Right, Sugar-Rush, you have to fight that part of you that is saying that she should just live the rest of her life as a widow because of her relationship with her former husband. That part might be in there saying...he's un-replaceable so how could you ever find someone else? We need to see that that is a very irrational frame of mind. She's still alive. She is not the one who passed away but her spouse is...thereforeeee she must continue to live and living to her includes companionship. Being that she has grieved now for more than a year alone...and most likely had been doing that much before he actually died, seeing that she will never get over this loss is apparently not reason enough in her mind to "not" find a new companion.

 

Not to replace but for companionship sake.

[Sugar-Rush]

Thank you all for your lovely kind posts xxx

Jevonj...I don't want my mum to be a widow or alone i want her to live a long and happy life.... i am happy that she is happy it just hurts thats all...i'm telling you guys and not her because i don't want to hurt her or make her feeel guilty. I gave her my blessing and will always stand by her xxx

[Sugar-Rush]

also he's just her former husband or spose....he's my daddy x

[jevonj77]

I understand...hopefully it all gets better and easier with time. You're right...he was much more than simply that, he was also your father and I'm sure that he was a lot of other things to people with whom I'll never know.

[Siriana]

also he's just her former husband or spose....he's my daddy x

 

Oh, I am sorry if I sounded cold, my parents are divorced so I view those two roles as separate things.

my mistake.

[Sugar-Rush]

thank you to the last 2 poster....i wasn't saying you were cold...but thank you all the same xxx