Journey to losing lbs

[redrose85]

I don't have a specific number in mind, because I don't believe that there is one particular healthy number. It's more about the BMI, and how I feel. Right now I feel like a fat slob, so time to do something about it again. Last year I was doing yoga, calesthnics, walking a lot, cardio etc... and around Christmas, I had lost 15 lbs. I felt fabulous. Then I added part time college courses to a full-time work schedule, and I just didn't have as much time to work out. I lost motivation and got lazy. Now I'm back where I started, but after a summer of not working out, or barely ever working out, I'm getting back on track. My workouts are notably shorter, but that's because I've got full time classes and part time work, and that's what I could squeeze in. With the exception of Saturdays and Sundays.

 

(Sept 19) Tues I went to the Uni gym and was on the elliptical (the fat burner hill program) for 20 mins, and the bike for about 13 mins (also on a hill)

 

(Sept 20) Thurs after morning class I went there again, and biked hard for almost 30 mins. I didn't realize how hard I was working, but I went on the elliptical after and could only do 10 mins. My legs were like rubber. I suppose it was because I took too long getting ready for class and only had a piece of bread with jam for breakfast, but I was sweating hard, and was proud of myself for going when I had said I would.

 

(Sept 21) Today I allowed myself to sleep in, and I'm just going to do some reading and stuff for school before work. I'll do some situps too though.

[redrose85]

Eh this isn't just all about losing weight, it's a place about my life too. Today was a pretty good day. No class, just 4 hours of work in the evening, and earlier, a whole lot of sleeping in, a long hot shower, and doing nothing in particular. Work was hellish though. I left my brain at home or something and kept making mistake after mistake. I swear I'm gonna get canned, but at the same time, I doubt it. I think I'm too hard on myself. This job entails a lot, and it's only a min wage, part time job. While it kind of sucks, I also really like it. Hard to figure that one out...

 

When work sucks, I can't wait to come home to Alex. Tonight though, he got home a bit late and has to work at 8 AM tomorrow, so he went to bed right away. Meanwhile, I'm still awake and delaying going to bed. It just dawned on me that we haven't had sex in probably a couple of weeks. Lame. Can't get too comfortable I just feel like I am on overload. I am not a very good multi-tasker, and 4 courses, and a part time job seem like more than it really is. Philosophy is killin me. I just can't get through the book we have to read. It's the hardest thing to read, and I usually love reading. I like the book for Lit class though, and for developmental Psych. I'm never ever taking phil again. Ever.

 

I started an event on facebook. A big dinner out for friends. I just want to have a successful group gathering, so I hope this works out. I planned my birthday dinner for weeks this year, and only three people ended up coming. All of Alex's friends came. I definitely do have friends, but I don't have a real group. All of my friends live completely separate lives, and are not really all that compatible. So that puts me in an awkward spot. It's unfortunate. I have a dinner to go to tomorrow, and I am kind of relieved that I can't go party out of town with them, because I feel like I need a day to just read my books, catch up, and relax. Maybe I'll paint my nails or dye my hair or something too. I've been trying very hard not to dye my hair, but I'm jealous of everyone with really nice streaked and dyed hair. If I wasn't so cheap, I'd go get it professionally done. Maybe that will be my Christmas gift to me. I saw a necklace at the mall this weekend that I want so badly. It's yellow gold (my favorite) and is a filigree style key pendant. $119.99 though, and the silver version, though different, is only $24.99. I can't help it. Lately I find myself wanting. I miss having money to really throw around, like when I was working full time. What I really want, is an engagement ring, and to be married. Most importantly to be married. I want babies. I want a career. I want it all. I'm tired of supressing all these wants, and pretending like I don't care. I know I"m greedy, and I'm not quite sure who this greedy person is. I don't like her, but at the same time, I do. I know she is entitled to what she desires.

 

I am going on a trip to the Dominican this March. My cousin is getting married there. The wedding is just a small part of it for me though. I can't wait to go with Alex and my sister, and actually go on a real trip somewhere, tropical and warm. I'll have to pay the deposit pretty soon, and then look into getting a passport. It's going to be worth the expense, that's for sure! I don't know why I want that necklace so badly. But I do! I just got a ring for my birthday, a peridot and yellow gold ring, and I got a swirly necklace from Alex for our first anniversary, but I really want that key necklace. I can't get it out of my head! I need to, because I don't need it. I don't understand why it's practically calling to me... I don't deserve it, and haven't done anything to deserve spending that much on myself right now. Maybe if I do well this semester or something, I will treat myself, but this trip is a treat to myself. It's so strange how material things can pull you in..

[redrose85]

Doing away with the Materialism. Capital M. I'm done with it. I splurged big time in the last few weeks, and I have lots of new things to show for it. I even bought a good winter coat, which is something I've wanted for awhile. All my other coats were discount specials, or from thrift stores, that are nice enough, but don't fit quite right. This new one is awesome. Fits me perfect and will be so nice and cozy. Bonus- there were only three in the store (went to a shop downtown as opposed to the mall with all the chain stores) so I know I'm not going to see everyone else wearing it, like the one I bought last year. It was a good price, but it's not made well, and I can tell. I have set a goal not to buy new clothes or anything like that for at least two weeks. I don't need any more right now. After my next paycheck, I am going to look for some new underwear and a new bra, but really, that's all I need at this point. I buy cheaply, but I buy so many things sometimes when I get in the shopping mood, that I spend a lot. I hate spending, I really do. I decided last night that it comes from feeling out of control.

 

With the "journey to losing lbs" I figure I am doing pretty well. My appetite has gone down, and I've found that as long as I have a bite to eat every 3-4 hours, my blood sugar doesn't go crazy. It's just hard trying to fit meals into my busy days. I have a few days of no work or school this week though, so I am going to be heading off to the grocery store pretty soon, to go and get some fresh produce, bread for sandwhiches, etc... Some days I literally can't fit a lunch and dinner into my backpack with my books, so I do end up buying either lunch or dinner. Deli sandwhiches and wraps at the college are pretty costly, so I am probably better off bringing a sandwhich to class and then having a hot meal for dinner. (no microwaves to use on campus, unlike at work). I've discovered subway salads, and they're just as good without meat or cheese. I have decided that I can have dessert once per week, and basically to keep the portion sizes down.

 

I went to the gym twice this week, went for a speed walk yesterday, and am going to either ride my bike or walk to the grocery store today. Probably ride my bike. It's just a game of fitting excercise in wherever I can now. A few situps here and there, some crunches, etc... I spent a good long hour at the uni gym on Thursday after an early morning class, and I worked a lot on my upper body, but also had a nice long random hill workout on the stationary bike. My arms are starting to feel more toned now, which makes me very happy! I know I can do this. I did it before, and I can do it again. I'm into this 100%. Tired of being fat, and tired. I'm not huge, but I'm short, so weight doesn't spread around evenly. The areas I most want to change are my arms and stomach. They've always been the areas I hate most. Weight from all over would be awesome, and like I said, I know I can do it.

 

Well, I have a bunch of things to do today, and I better get it all done. I need to hit the books and get some lunches made for the week. Got a couple loads of laundry, vacumning, and general cleaning done yesterday, as well as organizing the storage room. Last night Alex and I went out for our belated dinner out, went to the Keg, and we each had deeeelicious steak. It was our splurge. I had a pecan crusted sirloin with goat cheese, and baked potato (sour cream on the side thank you!) and Alex had a bacon-wrapped filet mignon with baked potato with the works. We even had an appie, bacon wrapped scallops, and shared a dessert, a chocolate mousse pyramid with white chocolate filling. Delish! The whole meal was just amazing. I can't believe how much one meal cost, but we're not going out to eat all the time anymore, so it's okay, as long as we stick to that

[redrose85]

It's been awhile... So I've realized something. I still lust after guitarists. Unattainable ones. I don't know what it is. I am so lucky to have all that I do with my guy, but in the past few days, the grass has looked greener on the other side. He's just always tired from work. He's not old! I just wanted him to come out with us for a night of dancing and fun, and he refused. He's come to the clubs with me a few times in the past year and a half, but not much at all really. Given the choice, he'll stay home. I guess it's good that he's not a party animal like my ex who was always out hitting on other girls while I was at home, having to work the next morning... That definitely is a plus. I don't know though. I see my friend and her guy, who have so much in common. Both musical, both into human rights, volunteering their time, being active in the community...I want a piece of that. And I want my partner to involve himself too, and think of others besides just me and him. I know he thinks about our future and that is awesome. That really does make me happy...but for someone who cares about ME a lot, he can be pretty self-centered. It's hard to explain. I guess I don't understand how someone who cares so much for one other person, would be oblivious to everyone else. He's just so comfy where he is, that he can't see where he could be, and what he could be. He's static, and honestly, I am worried that if someone happens to shake him up, it could shake him up big time. But, he is a really strong person, which is why he is able to be happy whenever, wherever. With him, everything is taken in stride.

 

I am supposed to be studying tonight, but it's pretty much impossible to study for an exam when you have no clue what said exam is going to entail. My English class is a joke. The prof just makes me mad at how much time he wastes talking about random crap... unrelated to Lit. So, congrats to me, I paid over $300 to take a Lit course, and really haven't learned a thing. I guess I will just take another English course next semester, maybe.

 

I did excellently on both of my first two psyc midterms, so I am stoked about that. I studied well, and it paid off. I decided that I am going to be applying for the SEA program (special education assistant). It's a one year program, and I am going to try and work in that field and see how I like it, if the wages are livable, etc... I did similar volunteer work in high school, and I loved it. Those kids put everything in perspective, every single day. They were wonderful, and I'm glad I got to work with them!

 

I miss my sister. It's going to be so nice to see her in March for 10 whole days, and on the plane rides too. I'll probably cry when I get back home, but I'll not think about that now. She is having fun, and I'm proud of her because she is branching out so much. Now she's the one branching out, and I seem to be closing in.

 

Work sucked today. I really think I am going to get fired. It just feels unstable, and I am always doing something wrong. My old boss offered me a job, in the same mall, and it's 10 times more basic. He tends to pay more too, and there's a LOT less corporate BS because he owns it. There's no VP, DM, endless voicemails, emails, adhering strictly to all their rules... I'm just not a corporate person. My job now could be fun, and it is most of the time...if it wasn't so damn strict. I'm a slow learner anyways. How do they expect me to be perfect when I'm there 12 hours a week and everytime I am away and come back, more things have changed. I'm having to constantly adjust, and it's measly pay. I'm wondering if it's worth it to even keep working there, or to keep working at all. I'd love to just be able to focus on school, and my boy has said that he would pay for everything so I don't have to work. But, I do want to work, in a way. I don't want to be financially dependent on him. That scares me, though it shouldn't. I also don't want to get lazy, and I want to have money to have fun and buy the things I want.

 

I've been doing allright with the weight loss efforts. I feel better than I look, which is disappointing. Keeping at it though It doesn't happen immediately.

[annie24]

hey - I don't know if you want any feedback, if you don't, i'll delete my comment. we are on a similar journey here! good luck! I like subway salads too, I am lucky, there is a subway near my work and not a single mcdonald's within a close distance. good luck with the journey!

[redrose85]

Quite surprised that I got some feedback. You can post if you like. It is always nice to have mutual support. An old classmate and myself are both on the same "journey" so we message each other sometimes too, which helps.

 

 

I'm starting to see progress. Feeling fitter, have more endurance, and am really working hard. I went to the gym with a buddy yesterday and she showed me some better arm excercises, so the stubborn arm fat is feeling much better after just a few reps. I'm definitely going to continue with what she showed me. We didn't do any cardio at the gym, but we did a whole lot of walking afterwards (and this was after being there for about an hour and a half) We went for a walk around a local trail, then ended up walking back to my place, for another hour or so. I'm feeling pretty good today.

 

The 20-30 minute cross training is getting easier and easier. I've been upping the levels, and the weights on nearly everything, and crunches are getting better too. I've gone back to the swedish ball as well, really focusing on my abs. I am lucky to have always had strong muscular legs that tone up really easily. The main things I am focusing on are further endurance, toning up the inner thighs, arms and belly. I would LOVE to get rid of the belly. I had pics from last year where I was so proud of what I had accomplished. I was smaller all over. Amazing how quickly the pounds jumped back on. But, I am seeing improvement now, and I know I got there before, and can get there again, and stay there.

 

I am putting off doing my homework though, which is so bad, because there is tons to do. I've got four assignments due for the end of Nov and I just don't care. I don't think I am the kind of person to be in school for four-six years. I can think of better things to do with my time. A lot of the projects just seem useless. I was really optimistic when I started, but now it's school, work, homework, exam, repeat. It's just a drag. I need some fun. I had fun last week, but that was a week ago! My manager has been in a better mood lately, but still I worry. I guess everyone feels incompetent sometimes

 

I have to go get started on my English project now. I want to just get it done and move on

[redrose85]

Incredibly grumpy today. Part weather, part me being just plain stupid, and part PMS. Today sucks. This is my blog so I can be as negative as I want. Hopefully I'll get it all out now, so when Alex gets home from work, he won't be bombarded with my attitude. I just don't feel well. I got my Philosophy assignment (just a draft thank GOD) back from my prof, and boy did I screw up. Not only did I apparently plaigarize, ALL over the place (hence why I'm feeling like a moron) but I didn't even understand the most basic concept of my argument. I got 1.5 out of 20. Insert expletives here. Normally, plaigarism is reported to the Dean asap, but he likes me and trusts that maybe I'm just a moron and will not be telling the Dean as long as it doesn't ever happen again. Oh my god what if I had gotten kicked out? What then? I simply misunderstood, but that could have had SEVERE consequences... can't believe I thought presenting the other's argument could be taken straight from the book. He did give me more time to do the final copy though, so I am going to knock his socks off with my smartness!

 

I had a Psyc exam (child dev.) today, and I think I did pretty well. I got 88% on the last one for that class, and I think I did about the same, maybe a bit worse because lately I have to force myself to do anything. But whatever, I know I did well, and that's what matters! Despite it all, my studying worked, and I made things much harder for myself than they needed to be. That seems to be a theme. I complicate things. All of my projects but one, I have had to completely scrap and start over because I wanted a "challenge". Nothing wrong with that, except the stubborn refusal to change subjects and wasting 3/4 of a semester trying to find info that doesn't exist...whatever. I learned my lesson.

 

I am really starting to wonder if I have it in me to complete any sort of degree. I'm just so stressed and I know I am smart, but I'm avoiding work and going online to useless forums and facebook and such... I'm making it hard for myself, creating this huge time crunch. I do work 4-5 days a week right now, after classes generally, but there should still be time left over. I'm just mad at myself. I'm definitely applying for the special ed assistant program for next year. It's only a year long, and I really think that this whole Uni thing is overrated. I can always go back if I want to. I was just so excited about going back full time as opposed to part time, but it's not like how I thought it would be. I've met people, but haven't really made friends. No one I hang out with outside of classes anyways. *sigh* I'm little miss sunshine today for sure.

 

At least work is going well. It's getting very routine now. Last night the tills equalled out exactly, so that was pretty cool.

 

On a completely different note, when I doing my passport application online, it said that I need two references, that I'm not related to, and who have known me for at least two years. Alex and I realized after a bit of discussion, that we haven't even known each other for two years yet. And yet, here I am, daydreaming about getting married, having a family, etc... with him. In the grand scheme of life, our relationship is a speck. What right do I have to be wanting these things now? Really. I find myself talking or jokingly talking about marriage lately, and he seems to shut down. He used to talk about it with me, but now he doesn't. I know he does eventually, but I want to NOW. There's a rant. He's the one I want to be with, and grow old with. He IS, and I'm impatient. By his thinking, we will get married after he is done college and has his degree (another 4 years at the least). My thinking is, I'm 22 now, will be 26 by the time we get married (unless we end up splitting up for whatever reason) and if we were to wait another couple years before having kids, I would be 28-29. That's just with the first kid. If there's three years between kids, or MORE. I will be "old" with young kids. I want to have kids in my mid-twenties, not my mid-thirties. There are so many risks with having kids later, and I just don't want that for myself, or for them. This diatribe isn't going anywhere, but I had to get that out... Off to read some books for a research paper now.

[redrose85]

I'm going to try a different format...

 

Tues, Nov 13, 2007.

 

30 minute stationary bike (hill, at level 7 and 8)

 

Breakfast- About a cup of granola and soy milk

 

Lunch- home-made flatbread pizza (turkey, bologna, green pepper, spinach and tomato sauce, and a bit of mozza.

 

Snack- raspberry dairy free smoothy (banana, raspberry, OJ, ice)

 

Dinner- spaghetti and leftover spinach and tomato sauce

 

Dessert- piece of bread with marg and some honey. 2 mandarin oranges

 

 

 

Weds, Nov 14, 2007.

 

20 min stationary bike (fat burner, started at level 7, went to level 5)

 

10 minute sprint/ jog on the elliptical at level 5, slowest speed- 64, fastest speed- 82

 

50 or so crunches, front and back, side to side.

 

Breakfast- granola and soy milk, about a cup

 

Lunch- Focaccia sandwhich w/ turkey, tomato, lettuce, edam cheese

- About 2 cups of mixed fresh fruit

 

Snack- Handful or two of trail mix with peanuts, raisins, cashews, M&M's and almonds

 

Dinner- A turkey breast (one slice only), mustard, and marg. sandwhich. Half white bread, half whole grain, seedy bread.

 

Dessert- A mandarin orange

[redrose85]

Friday already... oh well Fridays don't mean anything to me these days. I get Sunday off this week. One day off from classes and work... I'm dying here, but I wanted more hours. I just feel like I'm losing my mind. I can't even cook lately, which is someone that I've never had problems with! Anyways, this is what I ate in the past two days. I haven't made it to the gym since Weds. No time really and today I was all drugged up after the dentist. In no shape to run today.

 

Thurs Nov 15, 2007

Breakfast- granola and soy milk

Lunch- Steak and potatoes

Dinner- butternut squash and red pepper soup

- turkey breast sandwhich on whole wheat bread w/ mayo, tomato, and mustard

Dessert- A big helping of apple cake (sauce n cake) with a few tablespoons of caribou ice cream

 

Snack- Some popcorn with a bit of marg.

- A mandarin orange

 

Fri Nov 16, 2007

 

Breakfast- a few spoonfuls of the usual

- couple gulps of choc soy milk, then out the door

 

Lunch- Fiesta veg soup (campbell's)

- piece of raisin bread and a piece of w/w bread (marg., and some honey)

 

Dinner- rice, steamed veg, and some orange chicken. (chinese food in the food court at work)

 

Snack- three hotdogs (plain, no bun or anything. I cooked them for Alex and he's in bed, and I'm eating hot dogs, which I really should stop doing!)

 

- one piece of raisin bread w/ marg.

 

- a bottle of rasp. dragonfruit bacardi breezer.

 

Yesterday I didn't have time for the gym (literally). Today I walked home from the dentist, which was about 30 mins at a good pace. Gym on Sunday it is! I have a bunch of assignments to finish up, but I hope I will have time to get there. It's hard when I have the one day to get everything done, and I'm working or in classes for all the other days.

[redrose85]

Oh I lost track. Oops! Well, Sunday I had:

 

Breakfast- 2 large scrambled eggs and an orange

Lunch- 1 cup of spaghetti w/ steak

Dinner- Mashed potatoes (instant, oops), half an acorn squash, and a chicken thigh. Admittedly, I munched on more squash later on.

Dessert- An orange I think

 

Monday: Was a very bad day for food. Was feeling ill all day, until after I finished work when I was suddenly starving. I worked out for an hour, 10 mins on bike (hill) 10 mins on elliptical (hill again) was feeling sick, so kind of nauseous but made it through...

 

Breakfast- Was starving after my workout and hadn't had time to eat before going up to the college, so I had a blueberry muffin and a ginger ale to settle my stomach.

 

Lunch- three chicken strips from KFC

 

Dinner- Knew I was getting home late (8:30) so I stopped at McD's to get a salad. No other food places were open, and they only had a bacon ranch salad (old and gross looking) I got a double cheesburger meal w/ small salad. The salad was wilted and nasty, but I needed more food, so I gave it back and the exchanged it with fries. I hate how they claim to have healthy options, but whenever I go in, they're out of the fajitas, the GOOD salads, they don't sell water bottles, etc... I don't think I'll be going back there. My stomach didn't act up again after that though. This morning I'm actually hungry!

 

I should go for a run. Avoiding that. It hurts to run in the cold...

 

All in all, I'm getting nowhere with this... I've lost maybe 5 lbs. Sigh

[redrose85]

December was pretty slack. I'm working it off now, eating way less. Had a wonderful christmas, and I joined a new gym down the street. Been working out 4 days a week so far. I worked too hard last Friday and wound up hurting myself. Couldn't stretch out my arms under their own power, and inner thigh/groin area was extremely stiff and tight. I like the new gym. The new semester has begun, and it's going well so far. I'm taking Math and two Psychology classes. One Psyc is a continuation from the last semester, and the other one is a pre-req for going on to do more advanced Psyc courses. I decided a couple of months ago to think about going into Nursing. I know I would be great at it. I also decided to gear down and work less this semester so I can have some days off in the week. Now I am feeling SO much better, working only 1-2 days a week and in classes three days a week. Today I got to sleep in, go to the gym, and sit on the computer for awhile. I have to head out after I get some lunch though, to pick up a painting I had framed, and some jeans I had hemmed. Once I get home, dishes need to be done, and I need to read a chapter in my Psyc 122 text and study for the Math quiz tomorrow. Things are good. A huge weight has been lifted, and I'm in a happy place right now. The trip has been changed to Mexico, so as of March 12th, I will be on my way to the Mayan Riveria. Alex and I are going to have a fantastic second anniversary there

[redrose85]

I lost five pounds, and it's not just water weight or anything. I weighed myself last week, and weigh myself pretty much everytime I finish a workout now. It's been consistent. It's a good start I am liking my new gym. It's often really quiet in there when I go in, so I have full run of the place. When less people are around, I feel more confident to try new machines that I wouldn't try before, and I can make a mistake without feeling like a tool. I've been going about 4 days a week. This week I went Monday, Weds, Friday, and I'm going today and tomorrow as well. I'm getting back to that point where my day isn't right if I haven't had excercise. I'm really focusing on my abs, arms, and inner thighs, and really strengthening my hammies and quads. Feels good Everything is feeling tighter and more toned, and it started the very first day. I love how quickly my body shapes up.

 

I finally bought a blender yesterday, and am going to be drinking smoothies for breakfasts and sometimes lunches. They're chock-ful of fruits, berries, soy milk, and a bit of orange juice. Nothing synthetic, nothing fattening. I went out to a pub on Thursday night and passed on the chicken wings, onion rings, etc... and got a nice grilled chicken stir fry instead. I admit I snagged a couple of onion rings, but they're my favorite and I can't completely deprive myself. Alex has been pretty helpful with the whole thing. We went grocery shopping yesterday and he steered me clear of junk foods and things like crackers with high calorie content. Basically, anything snacky I don't need. So, I got apples and oranges to snack on instead, and to treat myself, I got a nice big bag of shrimp. Had a lovely dinner of sauteed garlic shrimp and steamed broccoli yesterday.

 

As for the trip to Mexico, I am hoping to get out of it. The communication is horrible, and it's been one mix-up after another. I'm beyond frustrated at this point, and we've both been thinking for awhile that we should just do our own trip. The travel agency isn't open yet, but I am going to call them and see if the two of us can just book a different trip for ourselves. I won't get into details, but I am extremely offended by what the snotty bride has said to me, and I'm really turned off by how disorganized this whole thing is. I've also decided that unless it is my sister or my best friend, I am never attending a destination wedding. It's just a joke. I am just not a fan of getting third-party information, and putting my $$ on the line for someone else's mistakes. We've already lost over $400, that we'll never see again unfortunately. If we can't get out of this trip, we will go, have fun, and I will have learned my lesson. If we can, awesome! Then all we have to do is pick a new destination and pack our bags

[redrose85]

Before I forget (I forgot to buy a paper journal, so I`m just using this one)... I called the travel agency and she couldn`t do anything about switching the trip. So, I went to the gym, worked out extra hard, got all the frustration out, and then came back and wrote a truthful yet polite message to the bride to be. Feeling much better now, and excited to go to Mexico! Also had a fantastic workout. Hitting the shower now...

[redrose85]

I am seriously considering getting out of the social sciences and switching to a creative writing program. I'm also considering going on to a journalism school after I get the BA for creative writing.

 

I have been feeling for a long time that I am going against myself and my true abilities trying to make my way up to a BA in Psychology. I know full well that chances of me getting through the Math and statistics aspects of the program are very slim, and thus my chances of attaining a BA, Masters, PHd are very slim. I just struggle with math so badly. I am taking a math course this semester, trying to get over the bias I have against math, but no matter how much I review, study, or receive tutoring, I'm still failing. I completely bombed my midterm and I've barely passed the quizzes we've had so far.

 

My future aspirations of having a family and a happy marriage also affect that. I really have never seen myself as a bona fide career woman. I have always envisioned family coming first, and I don't see the point of pursuing up to a PHd if I would rather take a few years to have kids, help them grow, and then go back to work. It seems like I would spend half of my life in school, and like I would lose so much time. I would just do a BA in Psyc, but that would really be pointless. There's no jobs for that.

 

It may not be reflected in my online ramblings, but I am a naturally gifted writer, and I have lost count of how many times I've received enthusiastic comments about my writing. My teachers and professors have always loved it, and I really feel as though maybe writing has always been my true path. I know I would be happy working at a newspaper, and I know that I could do it. So what is still holding me back? Probably fear. I know a couple of people who completed BA's in CREW, and were never able to get jobs. Somehow I think it would all work out for me though. Writing comes easily to me. I feel most accomplished when I write a great piece, and often, when I read back through a paper I've written, I don't remember writing most of it. It just flows, and the right words come automatically. I've always known that's a gift that I'm lucky to have. My grandparents actually told me when I graduated high school that their wish for me was that I write a book one day. That's entirely possible I think. I've had so many career ephiphanies over the years, that I am having trouble trusting that this is "it." I really feel pulled towards this though. I just need to find out whether or not it's a reliable career choice, and not another waste of money like my Psyc courses have been.

[redrose85]

I told Alex last night that I really do not want to wait 5-6 years to get engaged, and that everything doesn't have to be perfect in order for us to get married. I don't care about having a big expensive ceremony, our own house, none of it. I just want to be married to HIM, take his name, be a real family. I've been fighting off saying that to him for awhile now, and the alcohol made it all come out. I know that sounds bad... I didn't want to scare him, so I was trying not to say anything because he has his own timeline. But I have a timeline too. He agrees with me. He is definitely thinking seriously about it now, and he said he wants to get married when he finishes his program in two years, and that he is going to start "seeing what he can do". I think that means saving up for, and buying a ring. I just told him not to feel pressured, I don't want to rush him, and I really do not want him spending a lot of money on a ring. But I am feeling good that we are on the same page, and he knows exactly where I'm at, and how I've been feeling for MONTHS. I feel so relieved. Also scared because no matter how you slice it, getting married can be very expensive. I also said, I am going into creative writing and then into journalism. I don't want to be a nurse. I'm a gifted writer, and this is what I'm "supposed" to do. It has always seemed to be my path. I also said, in a lot of ways, I truly just want to have a family, be a mom, then go to work. He wants to be the provider, so his college career and job he gets from that (green engineering, basically) is basically the path to our future, and the determinant of when we can get married and have that family we want. I'm only 22, but being together for 8 years before getting married seems so pointless to me. What we have is amazing, and I don't want to wait that long. I will if he wants me to, but I really feel strongly against it.

 

Didn't make it to the gym today. Sick/hungover. Something I ate or drank last night affected me in a BAD way. BUT, I have been going every other day and the back of my arms are looking much much better.

[redrose85]

Now I am looking at rings. I know it's not happening anytime soon, but I'm figuring out what I would really like, and what would suit me. Also figuring out some form of a budget. The rings I favor range in price from 585 to 2300. The one for 2300 I absolutely adore, and have for a long time now. Almost a year since I saved a picture of it to the desktop. I don't really want diamonds, but rather some other clear gem. I don't want him to shell out so much $$ for diamonds. I don't agree with the whole diamond industry anyways. Even if they are not conflict diamonds, the price is still HORRIBLY inflated and I think it's ridiculous. I don't want to be a part of that. There are lab grown diamonds, but still expensive. I just have marriage and engagement on the brain right now, and I can't quit thinking about it. It's so annoying! I am so preoccupied. I'm studying enough, but I keep daydreaming and drifting off.

 

I had the most mundane dream last night. Even too boring to write here. I just couldn't believe how boring it was

 

link removed

[redrose85]

I woke up at 5 AM today after falling asleep at 12. That's not good. I just kept having nightmares, about burglars, about the dentist, about everything really, and woke up grinding my teeth. At 6 I finally gave up on sleep and had a nice hot bath. My stomach still feels off, but I am trying to eat some fresh veggies and a boiled egg for breakfast. I'd much prefer toast, but bread's all gone. tomorrow will be my first day back at the gym after a week. Those days can sometimes be good though, and it's not always a bad thing to take a bit of a rest. My assistant manager was giving me a hard time yesterday when I came back to work. She was all "I was sick too, and I had to come in and cover your shifts...blah blah" (that was the first time I'd called in sick to that place, ever. It was just annoying. No way was I getting on a bus, or in any kind of a vehicle and going up there for only three hours. Not happening!

 

So last night I was showing Alex cute pictures of LOLcats, and I had forgotten that I had kept some pictures of favorite rings in my folder. I think he knew what they were, and I feel guilty. I also realized that when we do get engaged, if he wants to pick out the ring, he can, and if not, then we'll just do it together. I would prefer to have him pick something out though. I deleted all but two pictures from my folder, just couldn't bring myself to get rid of those ones.

 

I really wish that my tummy would get back to normal. This feels like hardcore PMS, and I am sick of it. I'm so bloated and have no real appetite. Hopefully I will feel okay at the bar tonight!

[redrose85]

Went to the pub last night. That was good times. Except I had invited a girlfriend to come along (it's usually me and the guys) and she as usual showed up late, and then took FOREVER to decide what flavor wings to have. The guys were getting thoroughly annoyed, esp when she was going against our customer bashing convo. (We all work in service industries) and agreeing with the stupid thoughtless things that people can do. That was a losing battle. So after awhile we both just ignored the guys and got into some girl talk. That was nice, and things got better from there. I think that they just don't like having their "routine" disrupted. Actually I think when I say "they" I mean a specific guy who has issues with rudeness. Yah, I'm sure it's all good. It's really annoying when she does that though. Everytime we go somewhere new it's the same thing. It's like, they're chicken wings man, just order a couple of flavors! I was supposed to go to a show with her last night but I was so so tired yesterday. Never would have made it through a high energy concert like that.

 

I'm supposed to go to a Bob Marley tribute tonight with her, but I'm still feeling nauseous and tired, and I just don't know if I should bother. Plus, I don't know when she is actually going to show up (again, always late), and I am not going to the bar alone. That would suck. Eh. I think I just need to take it easy. I bought accross The Universe, so I think I am going to kick back and watch that instead. I was supposed to go out for dinner for someone's birthday tonight too, but opted to stay home. It's nice and quiet here right now. I'm kind of having a weird day. I got a check for $500 in the mail for a bursary (AWESOME) but other than that it's been strange. The gem on my newish ring is coming loose, my glasses are broken and need to be fixed, I'm feeling sickly, and well deep down, I am worried that we may have had an "accident". I'm trying not to worry, as the odds are low, but my period is a few days late, and I've been feeling ill all week, and just plain out of sorts. I'm just waiting for Aunt Flo and trying not to say anything to Alex. Don't want to worry him. *fingers crossed*

[redrose85]

I'm a student, but I only have 3 courses this semester. Low courseload. Just a bit of psyc and an oddball math class. I've been home way too much and am getting quite bored. My hours at work keep going down, because we're not having the greatest season for sales, so head office keeps cutting everyone's hours.

 

I talked to my boss yesterday and he said he needs me to come in on alternating Sundays, he has me working Thursdays (which I specially said I did NOT want to do) I have full days of classes on Tuesday and Thursdays and he keeps scheduling me for Thursdays when I have SO many other days free. The reason why I hate is is because I have classes from 8:30 to 2:30, then work 3 to 9:30. I get home around 10 if I'm lucky, and around 11:15 if I'm not so lucky. It's a long day and there's really no reason why he should schedule me for that. Surely someone else can cover it and I can come in for 8 hours a couple days a week. What's so hard about that? He's just not listening to me... according to him, I'll be working about 8 hours a week starting next week.

 

The thing with Sundays is that I bus, and with our retarded bus system, the last bus is at 6:15. I close at 6:30. He knows that's a huge inconvenience but did it anyways. Bah I dunno. There is a job for a prep cook/dishwasher available just a few minutes from my house, as opposed to accross town...it just sucks making no money and feeling really lazy. I'm so tempted to quit, as I only make $8.50 where I am now anyways... I just want to be paid what I'm worth, and get some reasonable hours. Another alternative is forget about finding a new job, and find other ways to amuse myself when I'm not at class or studying. All my friends and I can really come up with though is going to the movies, or going to the pub. I need FUN, damnit!

 

Aunt Flo came, and my stomach settled that same day. Must have been really bad PMS. I'll never screw with my cycle again!

[redrose85]

I'm having issues with concentration. At my old house I didn't have a computer and I cut my cable off because I only watched movies. That made it easy to come home from work and study for hours. I wish I didn't have tv or internet here sometimes. The material is pretty boring too though. It's all theory, and it's stuff I've learned already but have to take for pre-reqs. In a few minutes I am going to do some more online quizzes and then go to my room, shut the door, and study my flashcards. Exams are tomorrow. Gotta focus! BTW, I passed my math midterm (57%) First time I've passed a math exam since grade 10. I've watched accross the universe three times in the past few days, and I've got the entire soundtrack running through my head on repeat Such a great movie. Kudos to the film-maker for having the guts to portay the 60's the way that he/she did. They did some very brave scenes and a lot of unconventional imagery was created. I admire that very much. Okay going to study now!

[redrose85]

I did all weights yesterday. Sore today, but I worked muscles that I didn't know how to work before. I bought a bikini even. It's aqua with maroon accents and has a flower cut out on the bum. Usually I just get the typical triangle halter style, so this is a bit different. It's still a halter, but it's a different shape and has different detailing. It makes my boobs look smaller, which I like. I also got a black halter tankini with some details (tie on the bottoms and a keyhold cutout on the top.) That's for the days when I feel less than my best. Hopefully I won't resort to wearing it most days haha. I still need a dress for the wedding, and some sandals. Then I'm pretty much good to go. No weight lost, still hanging at 135. But, I am happier with my arms than I have been in a long long time.

 

Relationship news- I felt hurt when I said I wanted to marry him sooner than in 6 years (no matter how worried I get, or how sad I get, I always know this deep down.) he said that he thought it was really sweet but didn't really say what I wanted him to. So while we were at it, I asked him what his stance on that is. He said that he was very touched and he thought that it was very sweet, and while he definitely does want to get married, we have to wait. He said that he wants to marry me too, and always has, but his family would be extremely upset if there wasn't a wedding for them to attend, and that in order to have a wedding up to their standards, he's gotta be done school and have a career. He said that our families are very different, as mine would typically see it as a pain in the butt to travel to a wedding, etc... he is the oldest grandson, and his family would be absolutely choked. Knowing WHY we have to wait makes me a lot less impatient. We brought the timeframe down to more like 3 or 4 years, depending on how our schooling and careers go. We'll see how it goes! I'm going to be in school for awhile as I'm switching my major, but his is a two year program (green engineering, sounds very cool and perfect for him.)

[redrose85]

We went to the pool last night and I soaked my poor sore muscles. I had such a great workout today! I created an all new playlist, including songs from Moulin Rouge (one of my all time favorite movies) and sweated it out on the elliptical. I got in this zone where I was totally oblivious to everyone around me. I love that zone because that is when I truly de-stress and feel awesome. I did a bit of weights today too. I did a lot of crunches, (ball and floor). I was there for almost 2 hours, I guess making up for the entire week when I didn't go because I wasn't feeling well. (First day back was Weds).

 

Tummy's not feeling so great today, I had a regular small coffee w/ sugar on tues, a few bites of a choco cherry blizzard on weds, and a medium soy chai latte on thursday. I just have problems with that kind of food now. Alex brought home an ice cream cake for Valentine's day yesterday, so we munched on that as well. Though I took a half dozen lactaid caplets, I'm still gross inside. I hate IBS. It's lame. I've joined sparkpeople, and am just trying to figure out how to track everything. I've got to make a page, track my nutrition and workouts. I'm really liking spark so far I used the calculator, and according to my weight/height and BMI, I need to lose 18 pounds. My goal date is set to June 8th. I can do this!! 18 pounds is NOT that much! I've already lost 5 pounds to get down to 135, so my starting weight loss goal was technically 23 pounds! That 5 pounds is gone and it's never coming back. I am really exciting now that I have some numbers to work with. I'm focusing a lot of my arms and I've started to focus on my calves. There's this one machine I always avoid because of my bad knees, but I used it today with light weights, and am planning to use it again, and eventually get the weight up. Ahhh feeling so good right now

 

Alex wants to take me up the mountain on Sunday/Monday (this was HIS idea, I didn't even have to ask or try to convince him to go) Because he has two days off in a row. I'm not sure if he wants to spend the night or what, but I had better get my homework and reading done before Sunday. I got 76 and 77 percent on my two Psyc midterms, and I got a 59 on my Math midterm. I'm just happy I passed that one! I had a quiz yesterday that I know I didn't pass. I was so totally lost. But all I can do is learn it and move on, so I do well on the final. Less than a month till Mexico! I'm soooo excited Off to the shower and then I'm making wonton soup. Yummm

[annie24]

yay! thanks for the update. let me know how that wonton soup goes - mexico sounds great!