This is for you Mr. Always stuck in the "Friend Zone"

[answersguy]

I posted this thread a while back but have collected some new information and updated it. I believe that life is all about self growth and using every opportunity in it as an opportunity for growth. I also believe that if you try to use your experiences and knowledge from them to help others then it will in turn help you. So here goes. This is intended to help guys that have a hard time with women specifically in dating but also with life in general.

 

I personally have been happy with my dating experiences for quite some time now. But when I was in my late teens, I was the typical nice guy who constantly got blown off so I stopped dating for a little while and watched the guys who I considered to be successful with women do their thing. Yes, they were all jerks and treated woman like crap... But I soon realized that being a jerk wasn't the draw. I noticed that woman were responsive to confidence and non-responsive to men who constantly seek validation. The jerks tended more to have there own separate life and things that they enjoy, things that they were more interested in than their girlfriends and nice guys tended to turn their complete attention to the woman of their affection.

 

So to you nice guys, the problem isn't being nice, the problem is being absorbed in a girl and losing your identity. The problem is in constantly bringing gifts while seeking her validation for your every move. These are the nice guy qualities that turn women away. My solution was to be my own source of validation and live a life that I enjoy whether I have a particular woman I'm interested in or not. When I like a girl, I make sure she has the attention she needs while also reserving time for my friends and my hobbies. I'm confident in my actions. I've found that some woman will throw out little tests asking you to give something up for them, like your night with the guys or a hobby. I've also found that the passing answer isn't to give in; the answer is to stand by your values and earn her respect in the process. If I really like the girl sometimes I'll invite her to come along but I'm not going to give whatever it is up.

 

Some examples of seeking validation may be:

 

In relationships

- Constantly asking if she is ok or happy with your relationship.

- Fishing for compliments in any form, either saying something negative about yourself in hopes that she'll disagree or saying something positive in hopes that she'll agree.

- Bringing gifts for the sole propose of making her happier with you.

- Asking her if it's ok to do things that you would normally do, some guys will do this in a less direct form such as "I'm going to go out with my friends" while waiting for her to say it's ok.

- Constantly complimenting her, saying the same things over and over again.

 

In general

- Fear or hatred of being alone

- Wanting everyone to like you

- Talking yourself up a good bit in hopes of earning respect.

- Uncomfortable telling people no or setting personal boundaries.

 

Don't get me wrong, some of these things are normal and healthy, it's just that the "nice guys" will live by them and do them constantly. If you keep asking your girlfriend if it's ok for you to live your life, she can't respect you.

 

Being nice is a good thing but living life seeking someone else’s validation and being needy isn't. Being a jerk is a bad thing but being confident and independent are good. Just something to think about from a confident independent nice guy to the world.

 

Getting past the need for validation can be hard sometimes and some may not even accept that they have a problem but if you can and do then here are some steps to get past it.

 

First and foremost, learn that you can always count on yourself to be there. As odd as this may sound, if you ever feel needy or that you need validation, go take some time to yourself. Figure out what you need or want to hear, think about why you want to hear it and realize that you don't need other people's approval, just your own.

 

From there, here are a few other steps to get out of this rut quickly.

 

1. Start going to the gym, doing cardio will have a huge effect on your overall happiness and confidence. Lifting some weights and getting stronger can't hurt either.

 

2. Make at least one night a week for your friends, I personally have a rule that I won't get drunk with out my girlfriend around and she does the same. But make time for your friends, if it's going out to the bar, watching the game, or playing some videogames... Either way, DON'T STOP BEING A MAN!!!

 

3. Do some things by yourself that you enjoy by yourself, everyone needs a little time to reflect on things and relax.

 

Most importantly,

 

Make sure that you have some direction in your life, make a plan on where you want to be a few years down the road if you haven't already. Make your own goals and make sure you accomplish them. If you don't have personal hobbies, get a few. Allot of the need for validation comes from people not being happy with their life or feeling like they're missing something so they try to form their identity around a relationship. A relationship should be a part of your identity but not your entire identity.

 

In reading this, I didn't really focus on me being a nice guy; I was more focusing on the little changes to be made. Understand that it is incredibly important to still be nice and do the right things, open doors, pull out her chair, pay her compliments but not because you want her to like you, because you mean it.

 

And be selective in your choice of compliments, Example and rules

I like your shoes is not an end all compliment. It's one of those things that allot of guys have found to be effective but only if he has a slight fashion sense and she is very interested in fashion. My Fiancé loves shoes and she would love that people liked her shoes, my ex didn't care about shoes and if a guy complimented her on them, she would look at him like he was a retard. It's not about the shoes; it's about taking the time to know what she's interested in and letting her know that you think she's interesting because of it and that she's good at it. It's about making her feel special about who she is and what she thinks. I like your shoe's is only good for about 30% of women.

 

I’ve been through allot of issues with women and dating early on and it took some time to get my head strait on all of it, the key for me was learning and following one word, Accountability. The truth is the root cause of every single nice guy’s problems is not accepting it and rather choosing denial as an alternative. The sooner we start holding our selves accountable for our actions the sooner we can improve as people. It's a problem for nice guys but it's also a problem for the jerks and the cheaters. If everyone went into life knowing that they're going to hold themselves accountable and give the world the flat out honest truth, society as a whole would be a better place. If you're going to cheat but go into it knowing that you're going to hold yourself accountable and tell your SO rather than denying it, how likely are you to cheat? If you keep having the same problem over and over again ("nice guys" getting labeled as friends) with different girls, are they really the problem? Take a little on accountability for the situation and use it as an opportunity to evolve into something better.

 

There should come a time where she is the most important thing in your life but you still have to maintain your identity. If you really understand these things you're on your way to a lot of success and choices in the dating world. There are very few men in the world who have all of these qualities and realizing that will add to your confidence factor which is your first step in the right direction Good Luck!!!

 

And women really do want a nice guy, the just need to be attracted to be anything more than friends and they can't be attracted to someone they can't respect.

[tmp0620]

^Nice post Answerguy, makes lots of sense.

[phwfbd55]

im the nice guy (that used to be the jerk) that does all that crap.....hmmmm, i wonder if it is to late to meke those adjustments, and earn her respect again

[kryptik0]

phwfbd55: It's never too late to start improving yourself. Also, there is plenty of fish in the sea, don't get yourself worked up because of her.

[Blackhawk2009]

ha yea i learned my lesson about being the nice guy...no more for me...and i think it recently got me somewhere

[Captain34]

word.......