Connecting to my emotions

[Catatonic]

So my healing process is mostly complete but I'm still having trouble letting go completely. A friend said that I'm not connected to my emotions and that is why I'm not good at dealing with strong emotions. Apparently I have to acknowledge my feelings first in order to move on. Fair enough, I guess it's true that I have the tendency to ignore or push negative feelings away (negative = anger, sadness, anything intense).

 

So here goes:

 

I hate her mood swings because I never know what to do when she gets into a bad mood. I know that she's gotten better at controlling it but still. When she got hit in the face by jellybeans after she threw the jellybeans at C, she got soooo mad! Even after M apologized she was still pissed and sulking. Seriously was uncomfortable in that room for a while. I actually thought about kissing her on the forehead where she got hit to make her feel better (huh? why did I think that? but decided it was a bad idea (good thing!). Didn't wanna get punched.

 

I like how she was nervous about putting an arm around my waist when we were taking a photo with everyone. So cute! I put my arm around her right away and she put her arm around me more firmly.

 

I got really nervous during dinner when I was sitting next to her because she was looking into my eyes so much when we were talking. I hate feeling nervous but somehow she made me act weird around her. I never felt this way but only since she made me think that she likes me and I have a chance.

 

I so wanted to crawl into bed too when she was half-laying down her bed when me and my friends visited her apartment. But I didn't do anything and just sat on a corner of the bed since C & W were downstairs even though she and I ended up alone in her room. Why does she give me such weird urges?

 

I always wanted to give her a hello and goodbye hug, but I didn't because I KNEW that I was going to enjoy it too much. Now I'm really glad I didn't because it would've made the rejection harder on me. Why do I like snuggling up to her lanky, bean-pole body so much anyway? I still don't get it...

 

I was kinda bummed that she didn't do anything when I was laying down on her bed when I visited her again. I thought I felt her looking me over a couple times but maybe it was wishful thinking. Sigh.

 

When she was sick and we were talking on the phone, I couldn't help but laugh. She sounded like she was trying her best to sound normal even though she had a cold. It was really adorable. I couldn't help but laugh cuz it was so cute.

 

I hate to admit this. I really do, but I think I was actually a bit jealous that she spent so much time with D when we were living together. I didn't realize it then, but I was a bit put off by it. Still, I feel sorry for him when she started ignoring him after she figured out that he liked her. I actually told her to just talk to him, but she gave him the silent treatment instead. I should've seen that as a huge red flag.

 

Hmmm...I think that's it for now.

[Catatonic]

I had a fun day yesterday but I'm stuck inside today. Why do some professors make assignments due right after extended weekends?! It's like they like to torture their students. Oh well.

 

Anyway, I realized that I need to do some inner spring cleaning. I'm full of jumbled up thoughts and feelings that I need to sort out. Kind of like having a house cluttered with junk. I used to just push unwanted thoughts/feelings into the back of my mind but I never really got rid of them, just forgot about them. I realize now that it's not very healthy for me. I need to sort through and figure out what's worth keeping and what needs to be thrown out.

 

Another thing I realized is that I still have a long ways to go in terms of life experience. It was a lot of fun listening to the stories of the people I met yesterday. I've always loved hearing people's stories and hearing about their experiences. When I was younger I used to wish that I could experience and learn everything there was in the world. Haha. I was so naive back then, but I wish I still had that kind of energy and zeal. Sometimes I feel really old and cynical but I still have that feeling of wanting to learn from and in a way absorb people's wisdom. I dunno...I'm kind of weird like that.

 

I think I handle stress pretty well but sometimes it gets me down. This year has been hell in terms of stress, but in some ways I think it's kind of good. It's made me think a lot more about where I'm going and what I want, kind of like a catalyst to become a stronger, more driven person I guess. My grandma passed away in Jan, my aunt in Feb, my dog in April, and my grandpa in July. It's been really rough most of all for my parents. I'm not really the superstitious type but I noticed a pattern back in June. There's a month gap in between Jan & Feb, a 2 month gap between Feb & April, and a 3 month gap between April & July. I actually told my brother and sister about the pattern and said that I hope nothing happens in July. I know that it's probably a coincidence that my grandpa died in July, but still....it's kind of unsettling. It's made me wonder...if I died in Nov, would I be okay with how my life turned out? I still don't know the answer to that.

[Catatonic]

Just got back from having coffee with a friend I haven't seen in a long time. It was nice catching up and reconnecting, but a little sad at the same time. We talked about how people come and go in our lives, and how with certain people it's easy to reconnect and with others, it's very awkward. It was kind of funny because my friend had been recently rejected too. We had a good time b****ing about this and that. I guess misery loves company.

 

Something else I've been thinking about and I'm kind of bothered by it. I find that I'm not really upset or angry anymore (a good thing) but that not being upset or angry is weakening my resolve (booo! bad!). Deep down I know what I need to do. As a friend put it, "nobody really makes good decisions until the day they don't care if they never heard from the other person again". Besides, why would I want to hear from someone who's played with my feelings? It's weird how fast I've forgotten how miserable I felt...the first week is pretty hazy now. But I do remember how I felt after reading that email, and really that's enough to remind myself why I need to cut her off. It's just that I'm not hurting so much anymore so I'm tempted to walk back to her. I guess I'm really stupid like that.

 

I really wish I could get that "I don't give a sh*t about you" feeling again. I had it the first time we stopped being friends when I moved out. It was GREAT! I seriously forgot about her, and I really didn't care about her AT ALL! I want to get in that state of mind again - I want to be free from it all.

 

Part of the reason why I'm planning on going to Australia is to get away and help me forget about her. Meeting new people, being in a new environment, and having new experiences will help me move on quick, but at the same time I feel reluctant. Like I don't really want to forget her. I dunno....I'm just really conflicted.

 

I know it's because I still have feelings for her. I feel like I'm taking a step back for every 2 steps forward. After all that's happened, I think I'm still wanting to believe in her...I don't know how to describe it. It's like this feeling I get sometimes where I feel like she tries so hard to maintain this cool, fun, "whatevers" attitude but she's this sweet, sensitive person inside who's just insecure and can't show it. It's like when she said she hurt her back playing...and then she said lifting too many heavy boxes. I know she likes to gamble and that she knows I don't. So what? Why did she feel like she needed to lie about hurting her back from playing craps? She's always made little lies about these kinds of insignificant things where she knows I don't like to do some activity or another. Did she really think I cared about that kind of stuff?! Because that's not what's important to me at all! I mean, I've seen her at her worst and she's seen me at mine from when we lived together. You'd think she'd understand me a bit better after all that.

 

I know that none of this matters anymore. I know it but somehow I can't seem to let go. I'm just glad I erased her number from my phone. Now all I need to do is erase everything else too.

[Catatonic]

Had a weird dream. I don't remember the details....it's already fading from my memory. For some reason I was with her and hugging and making out with her. It felt really good and it felt so real. And then we started taking off our clothes...

 

It's really strange, I don't usually have dreams or I don't remember them at all when I wake up. Usually when I wake up, it feels like I just closed my eyes to go to sleep.

 

Anyway, I have to get ready for class. I'll figure this out later.

[Catatonic]

Okay, so I'm thinking that this journaling thing isn't working out for me. I followed the suggestion of one friend who said that it's best not to think about it, and it's helped me get this far. But I was still having trouble with the final act of letting go so that's when I decided to follow the advice of another friend who's an extensive journaler. I've never been the type to keep journals, but I figured it's worth a try. Having it online helped I think...I never got past 1-2 entries in my paper journals. Hehe. What can I say, I'd lose interest quickly or I'd place the journal somewhere and forget about it. Anyway, I guess it's kind of nice being able to go back and read what I've been feeling/thinking, but at this point I think it's doing more harm than good. I think I'm also going to stop coming here. I don't usually go to forums and so coming to ENA reminds me of her.

 

So thank you for the support and good bye. Wish everyone good luck with their heartaches.

[Catatonic]

I'm back. Sigh. I wish that I hadn't gotten the latest piece of news. I mean, it's good that I know but it's bad b/c it's making me think of her again. Today's a slow day too and that's not helping me. I tried to keep busy but I'm done with everything for now. Besides, I feel that ENA is like pringles. Especially with my wandering thoughts I can't keep away.

 

I think that I shouldn't really be baffled by all this but I still am. I thought I knew her pretty well but now I'm just utterly confused. I really think that I made up an image of her in my mind and fell for my made up fantasy of her. I'm glad things happened now instead of later. People always say everything happens for a reason, and I'm not sure if I agree completely but I feel that maybe this happened so that I'd learn some very important lessons. I know I'm pretty naive when it comes to romance and such so it was a good wake up call. Things I learned in no particular order:

 

1) Never ignore red flags/warnings.

2) Don't fall for what you THINK a person is like. People are the way they are.

3) Try to be clear and honest with what you want and feel. It's hard not to send mixed messages when you're not sure, but be mindful of the other person's feelings.

4) Even if you think they might be playing games (playing hard to get, etc), don't think too much into an interaction and take their words at face value. I'm horrible at reading between the lines anyway, and if they were playing games then they're not worth it.

5) Don't put up with disrespect and don't place your trust on someone blindly.

 

The latest news set me back a little but I can tell that I'm almost done with everything. I'm happy that I'm coming out of it as a stronger and wiser person so I'll be more ready for when I meet the right person.

[Catatonic]

Okay I really should stop thinking. I wish I could just switch off my brain. Well I guess I could just lay on the couch and watch TV and get the same effect but anyways, now that my mind is on her again I can't help wonder what she's been up to and if she even feels bad for anything. I know I shouldn't give a sh*t but I can't help it. Ugh...this is exactly why I didn't want to hear about her at all b/c it's just made me start thinking of her all over again. This is the down side of having mutual friends. It definitely slows down the healing process and makes it a lot harder to stop dwelling on things. It doesn't help that sometimes I get paranoid and feel like they're digging for info. Like being asked "have you met anyone?" sometimes when I talk to them on the phone. They never asked this before and I'm really tempted to just say "yes, I'm going out with whoever" to make them stop but I know that that'll just get them to start interrogating me for specifics. It's actually kind of sad that they think I'm the type of person to get into a rebound. Come on, I know I'm not experienced in relationships but I know better than that.

 

That reminds me, I have an friend from high school that I haven't seen/talked to in forever who's going to be visiting the state for the weekend. It sucks, I really would like to see him and catch up but I already made plans with another friend. I know it's bad, but I'm tempted to flake in order to see him...but I won't. Sometimes I wish I could switch off my conscience for a while so I could do things without feeling bad...in a way it must be easy living life like my ex-friend. But I know that the payoff isn't worth it. I know it's twisted, but I hope I get to see what comes around to the ex-friend. Ignorance is bliss...until karma comes and bites you in the a**.

[Catatonic]

It's strange. I had a good weekend but I met up with a mutual friend and even though we didn't talk about her, I started thinking about her again. I guess it's not strange that I get reminded of her like that, but still. The stranger thing is for some reason I ended up going to this site that I hardly ever go to. It's popular and well known so it's not that strange, but I started reading into things posted there and I even posted on it myself. That's so unusual for me...I feel like I've been acting out of character for a while now. Maybe this whole mess is making me become someone else? Like it's changing me into a different person. I don't like it. I wish I could fix whatever's broken in me and go back to the way I was.

[Catatonic]

I wonder if this feeling of uncertainty because of me changing is like growing pains. After all, my friend told me a while ago that "It's unfortunate that it takes things that break our spirits to teach us how to be stronger. But it does make us stronger people. That's what we take away from it." So I just have to have faith and confidence in myself that I will come out a better person in the end. I know I'm kind of skeptical now, but over time it'll be okay.

 

Another thing is, I noticed that I don't feel sad anymore when I listen to sad/bittersweet songs. It's good b/c I remember early on, I couldn't handle it I'd get teary-eyed. Not a good thing if I was driving. But now I'm okay. It's actually kind of feels nice listening to those kinds of songs now. Maybe it's b/c I can relate to them now but not feel bad about it. I know that I get relapses, but it's nice to know that I'm progressing for the most part.

[Catatonic]

I just wanna rant...I'm booored. So bored out of my mind...I knew jury duty selection would suck. There's seriously NOTHING to do while you wait. Sigh. I should've brought a book or something...

[Catatonic]

Sayonara oyasumi mata as-h-i-ta sore ja ne

Nandomo tsubuyaku kurikaeshi tsubuyaku

 

Chotto tsukareta yo

Nemutte ii ka na

Chotto ikareteru

Kurai ga iin datte sa

 

As-h-i-ta wa sukoshi dake

Ii ningen ni narou to omou

 

Sayonara oyasumi mata as-h-i-ta sore ja ne

Nandomo tsubuyaku kurikaeshi tsubuyaku

As-h-i-ta wa sukoshi wa mashi da to omou kara

Shiitsu ni kurumatte sukoshi nemuru yo

 

It's not a big deal

I'm just waiting for you to call me up

To tell me I'm not alone

To tell me I'm not alone

 

Tada

Sutereba raku ni naru nante kikun dakedo

Kimi nara nante iun darou ne

 

Sayonara oyasumi mata as-h-i-ta sore ja ne

Nandomo tsubuyaku kurikaeshi tsubuyaku

Sayonara oyasumi mata as-h-i-ta sore ja ne

Beddo wa hirokute soto wa mou akarui

 

...

 

Good Night

[Catatonic]

You said you are my match

But I don't think you are

I don't think you get me back

 

Why don't you see I had the smallest interest in you

I don't blame you for getting mad

 

You want me so bad

That makes you crazy

But it doesn't matter

'Cause it does not make any difference for me

 

Hey break me if you can

You are someone I don't love until I die

I did but not anymore

Hey break me if you can

You are someone I don't mind

Can't remember how we used to be

 

I don't think you can imagine

You can't even guess how hard

How hard was to get over you

 

You're the one who departed

I was just a kid to believe

Whatever you promised to me then

 

Now you want me so bad

That makes you sick

So what

Is that my fault

It does not make any difference for me

 

Hey break me if you can

You are someone I don't care until I die

I did but not anymore

Hey break me if you can

You are someone I don't mind

Can't remember how we used to be

 

It's over

We're done now

Disappointment was all you gave me

You're gone that day

I felt I died

I burned all your photographs

Are you gonna kill me again

No way

 

Hey break me if you can

You are someone I don't care until I die

I did but not anymore

Hey break me if you can

You are someone I don't mind

Can't remember how we used to be

 

***

 

 

[Catatonic]

Ahh...I'm feeling spiteful again...I think I'm PMS-ing...damn mood swings...

 

I must be in a downswing again. Damn it....and the PMS isn't helping. I was feeling so good yesterday. Sigh.

 

It doesn't help that I'm thinking of her again because I'm visiting a friend that lives in the same city as her. It's like she's poisoned everything that's related to her in any way. It totally sucks. And weird. It's so unusual for me to hate someone so much...I usually don't get mad very easily and I rarely hate someone. Of course I've never been betrayed and disrespected like that before.

 

I think it's because of my trust issues...I don't trust people with my emotions very easily and so when I do and I get betrayed, it's that much more worse for me. I wish I could brush it off like nothing but I'm having a hard time with it.

 

I know it's a risk I took on my own so I really have no one to blame. Not to say that her behavior was acceptable, but still...I should've known better. It's too bad that the one I betted on was such a dud. Like my friend said, "it seems like you already knew she isn't a great person. She isn't "evil" but she doesn't have to be evil for her to be someone you should write off.You should write her off because she is detrimental to your well-being. Simple as that."

 

It is so simple...in my mind. Now if only the rest of me would snap out of it...

[Catatonic]

TGIF! This office branch is so boring, it's making me sleepy. I'm feeling so much better today albeit a little tired. I think it's actually pretty tiring to be/stay angry. Maybe I should go along with my good mood today and talk to her? Oh wait, I forgot I erased her number...I guess I could email her. But that's kind of lame. Hmm...oh well. Still, I feel like I should just have one last talk with her for closure so I can move on. I know that closure is something you're supposed to give yourself but still...maybe I'm just incapable of accepting things "as is". Or maybe I'm just a sore loser...the down side of pride. If I had to choose what sin I have, I think that'd be it.

 

Anyway, back to work...

[Catatonic]

I sent a closure email to the ex-friend yesterday. I'm actually feeling good because it's given me the sense of finality that I've been needing. But now something else is bothering me. I'm feeling a bit troubled about another friend. She's a mutual friend and she told me that the ex-friend had sent her an angry, kind of accusatory text to her after she tried calling her two times. My mutual friend has been going through hard times and so I'm surprised (or maybe I shouldn't be?) that the ex-friend could be so callous. But then again, I'm pretty sure it has something to do with me. I think maybe the ex-friend found out that I had asked the mutual friend for advice for a situation that happened over one weekend and had in effect questioned her sexuality. But it's weird b/c how did the ex-friend find out?

 

Now I know I told my mutual friend to keep everything a secret. So....?? I don't want to be suspicious of my friend because she's a good person so hopefully she'll clarify things. I mean, if she told me she had accidentally let things slip and apologized, I would forgive her. Of course I hope she hadn't.

 

I don't get it. If the ex-friend is mad about it, she should be mad at me and not the mutual friend. Not only that, I really don't get why people just won't say what they want. I really don't get why people give stupid hints and sh*t instead of being clear. It almost feels dishonest. I know it's hard...I do it too sometimes, but if it's something important, it's just best to COMMUNICATE straight out. No one's a mind reader right? Not only that, maybe my ex-friend blabbing to everyone about me being bi is her way of getting even?! If she talked to me about it, I would have apologized. SO passive-aggressive! Even though it was only for a specific situation, I know what I did was wrong which is why I stopped talking to my mutual friend about my ex-friend. Well, until a month ago or so anyway. Not only that, I wouldn't have talked to her if the ex-friend had told me specifically not to. One of the reasons why I stopped talking to the mutual friend about her is b/c I thought maybe the she didn't want people to know. Also, after getting the rejection email I just told her that I was rejected so she wouldn't continue to think that the ex-friend was maybe gay/bi.

 

Anyway, I sent an email to the mutual friend to see why the ex-friend was maybe mad at her. I hope she didn't break my trust in keeping my secrets because I've told her a lot more personal things that I'd rather not have other people know. But considering her past track record of keeping people's secrets secret...maybe I shouldn't have high expectations.

[Catatonic]

Ah so busy these days. No time to update this stupid thing. Or maybe it's a good thing.

 

Anyway, so ex-friend wasn't mad because of me which is good b/c I'd feel horrible if I got my friend involved. Got a random email from a mutual friend I don't really talk to much. Sounded kind of funny...didn't really sound like her. Tone and the way it was written was weird. It mentioned "checking up" on me, and telling me that I should "seriously" consider Facebook. Haha, no way. I hate those things. Besides I don't see how emailing is any more tedious.

 

Anyway, my spidey-senses were tingling so I'm gonna be careful with that one. I think I may be turning paranoid, but I also think that I have good reasons to be careful with the mutual friends. One friend's already been downgraded a bit b/c of her attempted manipulation. It's almost always the case that out of a whole group, only one - maybe two if you're lucky - is really trustworthy. At least I've already found the one that I can trust.

[Catatonic]

So I'd applied to schools in the UK for fun and I got an interview offer at Imperial College today. I'm pretty stoked because it's a great excuse to travel around London. Of course my parents would rather me stay in the US. Too bad for them, I starting to think that living and studying in London would be a great opportunity. Besides, I'm kinda wanting a change in scenery.

 

...

 

And who could pass up an opportunity to meet some cute Brits with their accent and all!

[Catatonic]

Ahh...sooo tired. Getting tickets and reservations last minute are a paaaaiiin. Especially for London cuz it's so expensive. It's too bad my friend doesn't live closer to campus, I coulda saved so much money. Oh well. Gotta start going over my stuff and making sure I have everything I need. So much to do, so little time. Sigh. Oh yeah and call that school to get them to finish that form. And gotta go to AAA to get maps and plan my routes. I can't wait to get through the planning stage and get to the fun part.

 

It's gonna be freezing over there but so excited. It's kinda funny how maybe I'm getting superstitious. End of the year is coming up and I can't wait for the new year. This year's been crap but things have been starting to look up and it's like I'm getting rewarded for putting up with * * * * . It's a great feeling...kinda like being vindicated. Like fate/universe/greater being is telling me that I'm doing good and I'm following the right path.

 

Whew starting to get philosophical. Gotta get to bed.

[Catatonic]

i feel like my friend really wants me to stay over at his flat. he's been a bit overzealous and excited with his offer (kinda pushy?). it's really nice that he's offering a place to stay but...i dunno. it's tricky b/c i think he and his girlfriend may have broke up since he left to london but they're both good friends of mine. actually, there was a limbo period where they were supposedly bf/gf but he was flirting with other girls (including me) at the expense of ditching dates with her. makes me suspicious i guess. there goes my paranoia again. but then again he did explicitly say "collect, collect, and then select". if he hadn't been a player like that and if him and the girl hadn't supposedly been a couple i think i would've dated him. i think my chemistry with him was the best. oh well.

[Catatonic]

Work's always a drag after long weekends. Got to talk and hang out with the girl last weekend. It was great. It's always nice to see her and it always reminds me what a sweet person she is. She's definitely the nicest person I've ever known.

 

So they're in limbo right now but she's taking it extremely well. I remember the start and how she was then, and she's definitely grown a lot. Actually she's much more mature than the other friend who's going through break up limbo, and was much more dignified in everything. I guess it all has to do with emotional maturity and emotional intelligence. She's always been good with that kind of stuff. I'm glad now because I know for sure now that I did the right thing back then.

 

Sometimes I feel like I'm a catcher in the rye (love that book). It's like I'm trying to stop the kids from falling off the cliff but I know now that sometimes it's better to just let them fall and then wait and see if they climb back up. In this case I'm glad I walked away and just watched because it's helped her mature. And hopefully it's helped him mature too.

 

Note to self: no only children and no huge age gap children. Only under the most extraordinary cases.

[Catatonic]

Got an email from the girl saying how nice it was to see me and catch up with me, etc. It's funny how different groups of friends have their own quirks. Actually, no....now that I think about it, it's not unique to her group. Another group does this follow-up email thing too after we hang out. It's funny how both groups each have a person I admire a lot. Actually I think there're the two people I admire the most out of all my friends. And I realized that I've been very lucky to meet people that I respect a lot. I think most people aren't so fortunate to have such positive influences in their lives, especially outside of their family. I wish more people had the same opportunity because I think (hope?) that it would make them want to become better people. It's sad to see people act and think in destructive ways because they don't know any better. Actually, i think many people just don't care and are not very thoughtful or reflective in their every day life.

 

Still as I get older, it's sad to realize more and more how emotionally depraved many people are. Like how I was talking with some other people and they actually thought that mass forwarded emails were legitimate means of keeping in touch. Huh? I don't see how you can get any real substance or meaning from some stupid email with a bunch of pictures or some half-witted random blub. I mean, I don't mind getting them but communication wise, it's the equivalent of getting a chainletter email. If it were a group email where the emailer actually wrote out something more than a sentence it'd be alright but a fw,fw,fw email?? Sigh. It's just sad that they think that getting your email address typed counts as effort and thought now a days. Just pitiful.

[Catatonic]

Wow...soo much stuff. I'm getting a head start in packing but I wonder why that boy needs these things. I mean, Costco size shampoo? Costco pack of razors? A hair trimmer? I don't mind carrying some things for him but....I had no idea it was gonna be this much stuff. Well, he's the youngest of a big family and is an age gap child so I'm not surprised his family's a bit protective of him. But really...I understand the shoes and the shirts but I don't see why he needs these other things from the US....are these items really expensive over there? Hmm...oh well. I'll just fit what I can and give the rest back to his family.

 

On another note, got another interview but I had to reschedule it to January. It sucks because that means that other people will be getting interviewed in the meantime and more spots will be filled when I'm interviewed. Oh well...just bad timing.

[Catatonic]

I dunno why I'm having doubts now. If things go well and if I choose to, I might be living halfway around the world this time next year. I knew in my head that it was a possibility but I don't think I really KNEW until today. I'm ready to start a new chapter but problem is, I having trouble figuring out how I want to end the old one.

 

I thought that I had already made the decision to cut ties from the family. Last year I told my parents that I was going to pull loans to pay for myself and break away once I got into school. At that point being with the family was too much stress for me to bear, but it's better now. It's still stressful but it's gotten better because I don't have to worry about my brother anymore. He's like a totally different person now.

 

I'm so proud of him, he's done a total 180 from the way he was. I'm glad that I was able to help him to snap out of it and now he's getting straight A/A+s in his classes. I remember when he'd disappear for two weeks, come home to sleep and shower, and then disappear again and who knows what he was doing, where he was, and who he was with. But in reality we all knew he was off doing drugs somewhere. I just got home from abroad and I couldn't believe what was going on! I remember when I was sooo frustrated sooo angry at my dad for his blase attitude. Him actually saying, "Oh well, it can't be helped, he was born that way". His absolute refusal to admit that maybe him beating the SH!T out of my brother when he was little had affected him somehow. I can't believe I actually had to do a sit-down, face-to-face talk with my dad and TELL him how to act as a parent, how he had to take charge and take away my brother's keys, his cell phone, his wallet no matter if he raises a temper tantrum. It was so pathetic...me having to tell my own dad what he needed to do as a father. It's like the only way he knows how to discipline is by hitting and since he got in trouble for that, he's like oh well, nothing I can do, not my problem. My brother actually told me today how he had called mom & dad from his old school crying and telling them that he had not been going to school and was addicted to pot and that he couldn't stay there and that he was feeling suicidal and wanted to come home and THEM TELLING HIM NO AND TO JUST STAY THERE! Then I remembered how they had called me during freshmen year telling me how my sister had been staying in bed all day and not wanting to do anything and just generally being depressed and I suggested seeing a therapist and they were like NO! They had told my brother the same thing when he said he wanted to see one. So instead I drove him to Narc-Anon meetings every day. And I know that this is all because they're too embarrassed. Too afraid that all our dirty little family secrets might be revealed so they'll hide it and hide it no matter if it's hurting her, no matter if he's suffering, no matter if it drives me crazy. And I know that they will not change, they will never say that they're sorry or even admit wrong-doing or even acknowledge how they may have affected us. "Save face" my a**!

 

But the problem is I don't know what I can do for my sister. She's always been the genius one, the one who never got in trouble, the star of the family but she's also always been the most mysterious. We never could tell what she was thinking and if she really did mean what she said. If only my parents had listened to me when she was clearly going through depression maybe she would've been better by now. She's doing okay in her classes but she obviously is not fired up like my brother is. I thought that maybe it's because she feeling pressured and is resenting it like I was feeling in college, but it seems like she really doesn't know what she wants to do in life. And that's not something I can really help her with. All I can do is maybe give advice, give encouragement, but other than that she has to figure it out on her own. I wonder if she's been abused by my dad like me because I'm pretty sure she's a full-blown lesbian. Not that being abused necessarily leads to being a lesbian, but I know that if I hadn't been abused, I wouldn't have been bi. But there's nothing I can do if she doesn't want to talk about it and I'm not sure if I'm ready to tell my siblings about my abuse either. Sometimes I wish my abuse had been more like my brother's. At least then it wouldn't be some dirty little secret just between me and my dad. And my mom who was like denied it at first and then was like oh well, it was a long time ago, just forgive and forget. Wow mom, thanks for your support.

 

Anyway, the cold, rational, survival instinct part of me is telling me to leave. Whether I decide to stay in the US or go to the UK, even if I stay in touch there's nothing much I could do to help my sister through phone calls anyway. I know that I am capable of surviving on my own if I needed to and I wonder if maybe that's what I need to do to fully heal from my childhood (or lack thereof). But then another part of me says that it's not so bad anymore, not like they are abusing us anymore, and what's the harm of an occasional phone call?

 

I dunno. I don't think it's fair for me to have to make such a decision in life. I know it happens, and I know that my family is not as worse as others (not like baby grace's parents...monsters) and I know that my parents do care about us. It's just that they have HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE parental skills. It's sad that there are regulations and licensing requirements for what seems like everything now a days, but any moron can go f*ck and become a parent. I wish it was a more selective process.

[Catatonic]

TWO DAYS!!

 

I'm starting to get nervous now. But I know they want me dammit!

[Catatonic]

It's been raining all day...I'm so glad I got to stay home to pack and prepare for my interview. I used to hate the rain and I'm still not very fond of it, but I realize that I've actually had a ton of fun in the rain. We used to run in the rain in high school and it was actually fun sometimes. We'd talk and joke around and jump into puddles and laugh about how little streams of water would run between our toes in our shoes with each step. And when I studied abroad, we had lots of fun walking back to our hotel in the rain. It was so different, so warm like taking a shower and we'd be singing and whistling random tunes and people would give us strange looks. We didn't know how to predict the weather yet so we'd always get caught out without umbrellas and by the time we got back to our rooms, we'd be completely drenched. Maybe it's just the thought of rain that I don't like. Maybe next year I'll have fun being caught out in the rain in London.