buba Posted September 1, 2007 Share Posted September 1, 2007 I wrote in my previous topics about my painful divorce and how it took me two years to get over it... I finally met someone 3 months ago...a wonderful man, caring, respectful, charming, smart... He managed to make me fall in love with him. Well, yesterday he told me that he is actually looking for his soulmate and I am not it...he said that it's not fair to me to have a one sided relationship. He also said that I am a beautiful woman and I deserve someone who would love me as much as I love them... Yesterday my 10 y. old daughter returned home from her summer trip...he refused to meet her stating that all children are the same and they are looking for a surrogate father right away...He is almost 47 years old, never been married, no kids...obsessed with his career, he is pretty sucessful jazz guitarist. I write music as well, we even collaborated creatively and it was fantastic... I feel like a lesser being cause he dumped me the day my girl came back. I was looking forward for him meeting her...he also stated that he is looking for that special feeling with someone...he knows it exists, but not with me...it made me feel really small,almost invisible. I feel very confused...things were wonderful before she arrived home. He was very much into me... Please, help me understand...I am extremely confused...another kick in the teeth... Link to comment
Entropy Smith Posted September 1, 2007 Share Posted September 1, 2007 He managed to make me fall in love with him.[/Quote] Time to get your emotional defense up maybe...mmm... I feel like a lesser being cause he dumped me the day my girl came back. I was looking forward for him meeting her...[/Quote] Doesn't sound like a coincidence. He sounds like a guy who values his time alot and insta-family would cramp his style. he also stated that he is looking for that special feeling with someone...he knows it exists, but not with me...it made me feel really small,almost invisible.[/Quote] If he's llooking for "special feelings" you could've possibly created it for him...by not falling in love and giving him a challenge...like i've said before guys aren't that hard to train but do require you not pressuring them or being too pro-active towards the relationship... Link to comment
buba Posted September 1, 2007 Author Share Posted September 1, 2007 [Doesn't sound like a coincidence. He sounds like a guy who values his time alot and insta-family would cramp his style. I am afraid that you're so right...It saddens me deeply. Link to comment
EricAK Posted September 1, 2007 Share Posted September 1, 2007 You can look at this two ways, it really is your choice. You can choose to look between the lines and get negative (i.e. not wanting the instant family and he being selfish) or that he was honest with you and tried to end this now after taking some time to explore where the relationship was going and finding it was not the right choice for him. One way he is a selfish pig-bast***. The other he is an honest man who tried. I know you must be hurting and I wouldn't wish that for anyone, but the choice of how you look at it is up to you. The best thing for you right now is to be with your daughter and enjoy your time with her. Eric Link to comment
Entropy Smith Posted September 1, 2007 Share Posted September 1, 2007 But that isn't what crash and burned your relationship. Your wanting him to meet her or whatever pressure he was feeling from you is what did you in. Gotta hold those true feelings back a bit until the hook is deep... Link to comment
tylercdurden2004 Posted September 1, 2007 Share Posted September 1, 2007 I think your expectations are what created the problem from your end. You both have a role in how this relationship works or doesnt. By what you have written he is not a completely unreasonable man. He did the right thing by not stringing you on longer. The way he lives his life might mean he needs someone who doesnt have a lot of expectations of him. Thats fine provided the person doesnt actually have a lot of expectations. Having the instant family is a lot of expectations for this man I think. Link to comment
buba Posted September 1, 2007 Author Share Posted September 1, 2007 By what you have written he is not a completely unreasonable man. He did the right thing by not stringing you on longer. The way he lives his life might mean he needs someone who doesnt have a lot of expectations of him. Thats fine provided the person doesnt actually have a lot of expectations. Having the instant family is a lot of expectations for this man I think. You might be right...I believe that he honestly tried... It hurts me a great deal. He even said that my daughter's arrival made him think where this relationship is going...obviously nowhere... I was in tears all day, it sort of reactivated my old pain associated with divorce. He is a wonderful man. I wish he wasn't that scared... Link to comment
buba Posted September 1, 2007 Author Share Posted September 1, 2007 You can look at this two ways, it really is your choice. You can choose to look between the lines and get negative (i.e. not wanting the instant family and he being selfish) or that he was honest with you and tried to end this now after taking some time to explore where the relationship was going and finding it was not the right choice for him. One way he is a selfish pig-bast***. The other he is an honest man who tried. I know you must be hurting and I wouldn't wish that for anyone, but the choice of how you look at it is up to you. The best thing for you right now is to be with your daughter and enjoy your time with her. Eric Eric, I think that he is an honest man who tried... He knew that I have a daughter from day one...why did he even got involved with me? Link to comment
Entropy Smith Posted September 1, 2007 Share Posted September 1, 2007 I am a beautiful woman This is a possible answer... Link to comment
Clabs Posted September 1, 2007 Share Posted September 1, 2007 Hey buba I am sorry for this and feel your pain. This guy knew you had a daughter so I am not sure that he was that honest. The fact that he has never married points me to conclude that he is pretty selfish and perhaps a bit immature. You can do so much better than this jerk. Really focus on your daughter - she will help get you through this wretched time. I have always found my son's a great source of comfort and we have a fantastic relationship because I have always put them first. It is much harder to find the right person when you have children already - just go into anything in the future with your eyes wide open. Things will get better honey - give it some time. Mark I hope your pain goes away soon. Link to comment
brando Posted September 1, 2007 Share Posted September 1, 2007 Why is it immature and selfish to not be married ????? Buba, do you feel he used you? Got what he wanted and then decided the rest of the package was not what he wanted? At least he was upfront with you, and didn't string you along any further. I don't believe in the soulmate BS people wonder and devote their entire lives to, so I don't get that part of what he is saying, maybe he thought it was a valid reason for letting you go, maybe not an honest one though. I know you must feel hurt right now, butI think you need to look deeper within yourself. Everything you told us leads me to believe that you still need to love yourself more, and not expect that from a man and to make yo a whole person. I guess if you try to see this relationship from a place of gratitude, you may appreciate it more and understand that relationships aren't all eternal. Be greatful for everyday, and when someone wants to go their own way, let them go. It is no reflection on who you are, their is nothing wrong with you for him to do this. SO please do not believe there is. We seem to be a society that believes relationships make us whole. I think this is the trap. THe acceptance and rejection of another person, esp of the opposite sex has such a great influence over us, and it needn't be this way. You had three months wit a man whom you enjoyed spending time with... some of us may not even experience that. Be well brando Link to comment
LostInTransition Posted September 1, 2007 Share Posted September 1, 2007 Buba I feel your pain too. I figure out it's hard to find yourself again at this point, having felt in love again and feeling everything has collapsed once more. But it seems love is based in trial and error and in this matter we never learn from past mistakes and make them once and again. This is just life. It has helped me a lot to think this is how things go and I must not feel any guilt from it. Just let go. It's sad and hard to assume but someone else must be waiting out there for you, even if it takes some time to find him. Take it easy and don't waist your time thinking over and over about what happened, you'll regret it once you feel better. I've learned this lesson, at least this one. Link to comment
buba Posted September 1, 2007 Author Share Posted September 1, 2007 Why is it immature and selfish to not be married ????? Buba, do you feel he used you? Got what he wanted and then decided the rest of the package was not what he wanted? Somehow I do feel used... I wasn't that into him in the beginning and he did everything for me to fall for him...romantic dinners, great sense of humor, recording music together, his charming british accent... and then he broke up with me over the phone...not even in person. Right after I told him that I would of loved for him to meet my girl someday...He sad that it's not a good idea cause children are all the same and looking for a surrogate father...it hurts me as a woman. Really does. Last night I called him and told him how I feel. He sounded cold and distant and said that he is really sorry for hurting me...he got off the phone shortly, stating that he had to get ready for an interview... I actually asked him to see me and talk to me in person...he responded ,but agreed to see me tomorrow if it's going to help me. I feel like a fool. It's over. I am history. what is there to talk about tomorrow? Sooooo sad.I am going to miss him so much... Link to comment
buba Posted September 1, 2007 Author Share Posted September 1, 2007 Buba I feel your pain too. I figure out it's hard to find yourself again at this point, having felt in love again and feeling everything has collapsed once more. So true. such old familiar feeling. I hate it. Link to comment
buba Posted September 1, 2007 Author Share Posted September 1, 2007 Woke up with a blender in my gut...always a girlfriend, never a soulmate. Link to comment
just M.E. Posted September 1, 2007 Share Posted September 1, 2007 Buba, No matter what the reasons, the explanation of soul mate, etc. at 47 without ever having had kids or wanting them, it could have been a role he just couldn't do. What you need to remember, that what you and he had is not necessarily going to still be there when you daughter is brought in. If he wasn't comfortable, it was better he leave, it won't be fair to you or your daughter if the whole picture doesn't work. My ex never had children (or wanted them) and he played a role when around my daughter but deeply resented her and my love for each other. The other thing to see is that you learned these issues right up front, not 2-3 yrs down the road, I know it's tough but maybe for the best if that is his need? It is really tough being a single mom, I raised my daughter when he dad and I divorced in '83 and I was pretty niave at the time, but I just told the one guy I dated and enventually had a long relationship with, that her and I were a package and if he wasn't comfortable with that I understood, but if he wanted me in his life he had to be in her life. He was a good person and was a "dad" figure for her for about 7 yrs. But it is not easy even when it is at it best. Link to comment
buba Posted September 1, 2007 Author Share Posted September 1, 2007 Buba, No matter what the reasons, the explanation of soul mate, etc. at 47 without ever having had kids or wanting them, it could have been a role he just couldn't do. I agree. He mentioned once that he is so driven by his sucess as a recording artist, he probably won't be mature enough to have kids...it was brief but I remember. He also said once that he is not exactly sure...he might want to have a kid and he needs to be clear on that soon,cause of his age...he once asked me if I considered having more children...I said scared him to death... I miss him so much...he doesn't leave my mind. Link to comment
buba Posted September 1, 2007 Author Share Posted September 1, 2007 Is it a good idea to see him tomorrow? Will I get my closure? Should I just refuse to see him and try to heal? Really hard decision... Link to comment
blender Posted September 2, 2007 Share Posted September 2, 2007 When you are still so emotionally vulnerable it is NOT a good idea for you to see him right now... take one day at a time to work through some of your disappointment and sadness on your own first.. he can not give you "closure' that will only come for you for yourself, be choosing to be in acceptance that this relationship did not reveal itself to be what you hoped and thought it might be, instead it's different.. this relationship, well, it's no longer worthy of your energy... right now the most empowering, attractive and healing thing for you to do would be to stay away from him, and take some time to regain some healthy perspective... take care of YOU right now... for today, just tell him that you can't see him today and say nothing else, no big proclamations or declarations or ultimatums...just say "not today" and then take some time to be on your own and deal with all the emotions you are feeling, there is no good healthy reason to be seeing him right now, it's NOT a good idea.. not right now.. okay? Take care of you right now... Link to comment
buba Posted September 2, 2007 Author Share Posted September 2, 2007 blender, I took your advice and left him a message stating that it won't be nesessary for us to meet... I wished him best and said good bye... I guess that's it...I won't see him again...hurts so much. all I want is to see him, hold him...brutal. I am crying as I am writing this, I miss him a great deal... Link to comment
Clabs Posted September 2, 2007 Share Posted September 2, 2007 Hey Buba I am so sorry for your pain right now - ((((HUGS)))). You have done the right thing in not seeing him. The closure that so many people seem to crave comes from within ourselves - not from somebody else. I don't see it as closure - rather acceptance. You will come to a time when you accept that it is over. You accept that some things happen in your life for a reason and over which you have no control. And if you have no control, there really is nothing you can do about it and if there is nothing you can do - why beat yourself up? This will take some time but it will come eventually. It is my view that this guy used you - he knew you had a daughter yet he still pursued you. He also asked you if you would consider having another child. I think the thing to take from this is that there were some red flags here. I know I got slapped on the wrist for calling this guy immature and selfish for not being married but maybe I should rephrase this - I do see that fact that he has NEVER married as a sign that he perhaps has an immature attitude to life and probably has developed a selfish attitude too. I would just say to keep your eyes wide open when you next dip your toes in the relationship pool. Whatever has happened - it has happened and it is in the past - he is gone. Do what Blender suggests - take things really slowly and get through this. Work on you - get that fun loving bubbly you back again. It will be tough - but you can do it. As I said before - focus on your daughter now - she will help in this mess. Mark Link to comment
buba Posted September 2, 2007 Author Share Posted September 2, 2007 Clabs, somewhere deep inside I expected his responce to my message... Nope...pure silence. I know that I did the right thing. wonder if he ever regrets his actions. Can't sleep all night... Link to comment
Clabs Posted September 2, 2007 Share Posted September 2, 2007 Hey buba I am sorry you couldn't sleep. It took me a little while for my sleep patterns to return to some normality. For now, try to sleep when you can because lack of sleep just makes this stuff all the harder to deal with. We do wonder what goes through their heads - second guessing and all that. I am sure he does regret the good times he spent with you - they were good times because he wouldn't have been there otherwise. If he stays silent - so much the better - because that will allow you some peace and quiet to deal with this stuff. Take it slow - small baby steps for now. Take care honey. Mark Link to comment
buba Posted September 2, 2007 Author Share Posted September 2, 2007 Hey buba If he stays silent - so much the better - because that will allow you some peace and quiet to deal with this stuff. I agree with you clabs...Silence kills but it's for the best... Link to comment
blender Posted September 2, 2007 Share Posted September 2, 2007 Just try to separate your feelings from the facts here, you will feel your hurt and sadness and disappointment right now, and yes it's feels confused with love but try to remember that the FACTS about this guy are very different then who you "hoped, thought and felt" he ''could" be in your life, because as much as you are hurting, you still know that the feelings you have for him and the facts about him are VERY different.. and so try to start there with some acceptance so you can ease your heart a bit these first few days... As far as you calling him to say "no need to meet" well I suggested you "wait to meet with him, until you are less vulnerable and also said no need to make any proclamations, or declarations".. because sometimes we trick ourselves into doing the "no contact" because we are EXPECTING the ex to respond or re-act in a certain way... well that won't happen, not right away.. but either way as much as it might hurt you now, the FACT is it's best to get your information and truth on where the ex stands at this point...and his choosing to not contact you right now, is a gift for you, it really is.. you are so deserving a man who intentionally pursues you in a loving effort to work on an exclusive long term relationship that would include your precious daughter in a loving respectful way. This guy history shows that he is incapable of doing so, his only 'SOULMATE" is himself... he's selfish and driven by "the next best thing" whatever it is that makes him feel empowered and special in any given moment.. he's so NOT about the long term..he's incapable.. he's never made a commitment that lasts.. so do NOT take him leaving you "personally" because he'd be behaving this way no matter who the girl was in his life, because it's his "established pattern". and no one will cure him of himself. YOU can feel good about yourself today, you made a choice to put the brakes on the drama, and you were so wise to NOT see him right now, you are very vulnerable, it's such a tough time for you right now, dealing with all your disappointment, shock, hurt, and it's time you need for you and your daughter. Trust that the ex is NOT going anywhere, he's just going through his own revelation that he's just who he is no matter who he is with.. meaning, he's got his own self issues to deal with for today... he loves his "pattern" it's his form of emotional survival without ever having to be a mature emotionally responsible man.. he runs, he runs away from himself.. and his reflection in the eyes of a mature, responsible woman..who would understandably want "more" from him then just the "falling in love" part.. he's a big baby.. period. So feel empowered by your choice to hold of on meeting him... and take one day at a time right now, breathe, cry, laugh, cry again, and take care of yourself... you're going to grow past this, I know how horribly painful it is to let go of all you "hoped and thought" he could be only to realize that he's just one of those selfish guys that is so convincing and so easy to fall for because he's the type that is so good at the "beginning of a relationship" but once it becomes "too real" he has to run, because he doesn't want to "face himself" so please try to keep in perspective that he didn't leave you, he left himself.... He will most likely keep up this same pattern in his life, and was probably doing this same "fall in love and break up" routine for most of his life BEFORE you met him.. so try to NOT take it personally, and instead accept that he's just who he is, and no matter where HE goes there HE will be... The "silence" you are experiencing now, yes it's feels painful, but it is healing, it is.... because you don't need to give any more of your precious heart and energy to this guy right now..he's no longer worthy of it.. so you did the absolute right thing by not seeing him while you are still so vulnerable. Now stick to it, allow him an opportunity to realize that YOU are not going to be chasing after him, or trying to convince him, or lower yourself to any more hurt from him.. you made a wise, independent, self respecting, healing choice to NOT meet up with him... you have class, and you will heal.. and grow past all this.. I know it hurts so deeply right now, but that is only a sign of how much YOU can love, and that now you can learn to love yourself, and to NO LONGER seek any validation from some guy who does NOT know how to intentionally cherish a woman long term.. let us know how you're doing, it's going to be an ebb and flow of hurt, heartache, realization, wanting to contact, anger, sadness, relief, acceptance, crying, all of these instense emotions are part of the healing process.. try to FEEL THEM and try not to RE-ACT to them... just work through all your disappointment, and start believing in YOURSELF.. CELEBRATE YOU. best, blender Link to comment
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