Utterly defeated...

[Muzatsu]

Earlier today I posted about seeing my ex one last time. Well I already decided that was a bad idea. However, I wanted to talk and get some closure instead on the phone...I was setting myself up for another heartbreak, but I did it anyway.

I told him to be honest with me about everything...and I knew what the honest truth was before he told me...I knew it was going to disappoint, but I masochistically urged him to tell me how he really felt. And yes he didn't love me anymore...because something changed in him and he didn't want any relationship. I knew this but I keep on opening my own wound... I was doing fine with NC and then I ruined it. I just wish feelings could change over time.

[CrapAtNC]

Sorry to hear that.

 

The call made that happen and would have supported those feelings in him. NC would have been your friend then, as it is now. Don't call him again until you can talk about everything other than the relationship, and also when you can be bright, cheerful, and as attractive as you once were to him.

 

I've been there, so I speak as someone who learned from the same mistake.

[nuttybuddy]

first of all..... on the phone?!? that's not a good idea if you want to have a serious conversation.

 

he could be hiding his true emotions behind his words on the phone. you can always tell MORE from his eyes, his gestures, his facial expressions in person.

 

it's not too late. tell him that you have something important to say in person. and you could bring it up again when you see him... (cuz it doesn't sound like you really got good closure.) but when you bring it up again, try to sound normal.... say, "i don't want to drain you with this, and i'm sorry i've made you explain it to me on the phone, but i just had to hear your explanation in person." and don't just ask him if he's truly fallen out of love with you, that's an easy answer for him to just say yes. ask him the reasons behind that. what exactly made him fall out of love? tell him that if these are things that you can work on, it'll help you to become a better person.

 

but maybe you've already done all that.... sorry for writing too much.

[Muzatsu]

thanks C@NC, I was trying really hard to be strong on the phone, the conversation was going great but then I had to say 'I miss you' and then all that pathetic stuff came pouring out. I wonder if people who say they don't love you anymore are just going through a phase, or you were a phase in their life. The world may never know...

[Muzatsu]

Nutty, I understand it would be better to do it face to face, but as blender told me on my other thread, it wouldn't be a good idea. I would be too emotionally invested in what used to be and he would just reject me again and again. At least on the phone he can hear but not see me cry. I knew the last time we saw each other and had a fight, which caused me to initiate NC over 2 months ago, he couldn't tell me that he loved me but he couldn't tell me that he didn't. He hugged me the way that people more than friends do. He held my head to his chest and I cried...But he couldn't look me in the eye and tell me he didn't love me. But on the phone he could. He said there was a void in him I couldn't fill because he would not let me fill it. He said he needed his space and he needed to figure out where life was taking him... I gave him that space for the most part...but when I thought I was strong enough, I still wasn't...

[Entropy Smith]

Keep trying with the NC...just re-establish a time and a date and start over...NC is like a knocking over a soda machine, sometimes you got to rock it back and forth a few times for it to take...

[nuttybuddy]

ok... well, sorry to hear that it's not easier either way (phone or in person.) it really takes determination in your mind to get closure. don't let your emotions control you. listen to your head.

[Muzatsu]

I guess I can't give up on what I truly believe, but I can't keep hurting myself either.

[happy79]

Hey Muzatsu

 

I'm really sorry to hear this. I hope you're ok.

 

He knows how you feel, I think you have laid your cards on the table. Now is time for NC. Back way off and really use the time to focus on you. It is hard to let go of something you believe in (you only have to look at my disasters in NC). I think there comes a time where you have to let it go. That decision comes from within you.

 

Gather yourself up and start focusing on you, put him to one side now. Let it go for a while. Build up as much strength as is physically possible and start making some positive steps in your life. I really hope you're ok.

[Muzatsu]

Hey Muzatsu

 

I'm really sorry to hear this. I hope you're ok.

 

He knows how you feel, I think you have laid your cards on the table. Now is time for NC. Back way off and really use the time to focus on you. It is hard to let go of something you believe in (you only have to look at my disasters in NC). I think there comes a time where you have to let it go. That decision comes from within you.

 

Gather yourself up and start focusing on you, put him to one side now. Let it go for a while. Build up as much strength as is physically possible and start making some positive steps in your life. I really hope you're ok.

 

Thanks for the concern...I knew that meeting him wouldn't be right and didn't do it, but I knew calling would do as much damage and I did it anyway. I thought I could handle it but I couldn't. I just needed him to slap me into some sort of reality check, in order to make me recommit to my NC. I was pretty ok with NC but I thought I was good enough to talk to him without string attached but I found out the hard way I was far from it.

[happy79]

Hey Muzatsu

 

Don't worry, we all make mistakes. The trick is to learn from them. I read a large number of posts of people that break NC. Don't beat yourself up over it. You'll be ok. Make sure you use it as a reality check and start building yourself back up. Stay in NC, if he contacts you - you can decide how you want to deal with that. For now do not initiate anything.

[Muzatsu]

I mostly initiate our more recent conversations, but now I know not to initiate anything anymore...If hes really worth it, he'll be the one to make the move.

[happy79]

Definitely! Keep thinking that way. He threw you away, now until he is willing to rummage through the "trash" and find the valuable thing he threw out - you just need to get on with your life and make da*n sure that when he hears about your life he will ache to be in it!! Meanwhile you will be in a good place to deal with anything he may throw at you - that's if you want to deal with it!

[Muzatsu]

That's right happy! I love him to death, but if he is ambivalent and says he loves me and then the next day doesn't and switches back and forth, I don't have to deal with that * * * * anymore...I'm going to be who I am, and make him want what he can't have anymore because he never took the chance to love it...I won't keep making myself a toy to be spun around for a while and then abandoned.

I am worth much more than someone he can just "fall out of love" with some random day...

[tushboy]

You can you can actually get him back in your life, if you start HEALING YOURSELF..Trust me they always come back when you least expect them to. The moment you stop thinking, occupy yourself with other things, move on with your life, out of nowhere you ll get a call or a message from them. . Its happened with me. The key is to LOVE YOURSELF, and PUT YOURSELF FIRST before anything right now. You have to treat yourself like a baby, pamper yourself, its okay to make mistakes, don't be so hard on yourself. We are all here for you.

[Muzatsu]

You can you can actually get him back in your life, if you start HEALING YOURSELF..Trust me they always come back when you least expect them to. The moment you stop thinking, occupy yourself with other things, move on with your life, out of nowhere you ll get a call or a message from them. . Its happened with me. The key is to LOVE YOURSELF, and PUT YOURSELF FIRST before anything right now. You have to treat yourself like a baby, pamper yourself, its okay to make mistakes, don't be so hard on yourself. We are all here for you.

 

Even if they say they don't love you...after all those years...could they ever come back?

[Muzatsu]

Sigh, I don't know how to believe and let go at the same time...what am I going to do...

[nuttybuddy]

believe what he wants for now... which is a break up.

 

whatever he said, about "loving you so much that it's overwhelming" is not something you should take to heart. i know you want to believe that as the truth... but whether that's true or not, he just doesn't want to be with you right now. right? so let him be.

 

and you work on becoming a stronger person. you sound much too weak going through this. you need to stop thinking that he's your everything. you are your own person! stop thinking so much about him. you have to keep yourself busy. if you are thinking about him, it means you have too much time on your hands.

[Muzatsu]

Yeah I do have too much time on my hands...I really need to get to college already...only a week more. I am a very weak person at the moment, this is true...I keep trying to be strong but then I falter over and over again. I know he's not my everything...but my heart keeps overriding my logic...I feel like I'm always contradicting myself. I could be fine some days, and terrible other days and it's just so aggravating.

[nuttybuddy]

a week left before college?? you should be so busy getting ready for it! Are you packed? Do you have everything ready to go? If not, get busy! It's exciting time for you. Stop mulling over this guy. He's not worth your busy time. besides, think of all the cute, smart, college guys you are going to meet. do you know that freshmen girls are what all the college guys anticipate and get ready to check out???? yeah.... the upper classmen guys are keeping their eye peeled for the new girls. so don't go into campus looking dull and sorry and depressed. you gotta look your best, look perky, look happy, and most of all be fun!

[CrapAtNC]

Even if they say they don't love you...after all those years...could they ever come back?

 

I have learned to take all things said during a break up with a big pinch of salt. Your ex is protecting his heart as much as you are exposing yours. I can't tell you the number of times my ex told me "The end! No more! I will never talk to you again! Good-bye!" and yet be hugging me several days later.

 

The problem is that you're focusing on him, asking questions about what he may or may not be feeling, wondering if he'll come back ... and this kind of behaviour is exactly what keeps them at bay.

 

Ever tried really hard to remember a name or where you put something only for it to spring to mind when you weren't really thinking about it? Ever tried hard to pick up a new skill or absorb some difficult writing only to do so easily once you'd stopped focusing on it for a while? This is how we work best! When trying hard isn't working, give it a rest!

 

Focus on something else - anything else! - right now but your ex (preferably focus on you). Then see what happens. This is the only way forward for you now, and, fortunately, it's also the best way.

 

I'm rooting for you!

[Muzatsu]

I guess if I put my heart back into my chest and off my sleeve, I can do no wrong. He probably can't be bothered with me now. he was being honest when he said he had no more feelings, but he said he was honest when he said he loved me too. I guess I just won't think about it anymore because it's a question I can't really get a straight answer about. I can't keep trying to do something if the other end doesn't want to receive right... I have to find a way to let go and I don't know where to start.

[Iarra]

Muzatsu,

 

I've said this on another thread before, and I want to say it again Right now, your target is still to be with your ex. And as you've been realizing, you're not getting closer to it. So it's time to shift your target. Your target right now is to be happy.

 

Do the things that you loved to do before you met your ex. Work on your confidence. Walk with your chin up. You are a PRIZE. Don't ever forget that. If you find that you have trouble believing it, then acknowledge your doubts, then WORK ON IT. What are you afraid of? A lot of our worries and fears exist only in our minds.

 

Your ex does NOT have a hold on you anymore. You are your own person. You have your own thoughts. What you do with your life is up to you.

 

Emotions are very powerful. They are like fire. If you learn to control them, they will be to your benefit. If not, you will get burned. But only YOU can control them. Nobody else can. But we'll be here cheering you on.

[Muzatsu]

I've always been an emotional person, which has gotten me into all sorts of messes before. I don't know how to control my emotions and I'm very wishy washy and easily brought to tears about anything in general. This doesn't just pertain to the breakup blues but in general. I think I need to get some professional help. I have a big problem with self-sabotaging and chronic negativity and the problem lies all within my own thoughts...

[Iarra]

I tend to cry pretty easily, too It's ok to feel these intense emotions. It's hard, if not impossible, to control WHAT we feel, BUT, we can control WHAT WE DO WITH IT. You've learned in the past that acting on your emotions have gotten you into a deeper mess than before. So make a decision not to do it next time. When you feel all these intense emotions, DO NOT DO ANYTHING RIGHT AT THAT MOMENT. Stop and just feel it. I find that suppressing it would make it come back more intense than before. Sure, your mind can run amock with all these crazy negative thoughts. Take deep breaths and let it pass. Imagine your tears carrying all the pain and the hurt. For each tear that you release, you release these negative feelings. Once it passes, try to go above the situation for a while and look at it with a different perspective. What exactly about it has upset you? Can you change it? If yes, then work on the solution. If not, accept it and let it go. Beating yourself up over something that you cannot change will only keep you from moving forward and being the person that you want to be.

 

Why do you think do you sabotage yourself? What are you afraid of? For me, I used to be so afraid of failing that I wouldn't even try. But I've learned that by failing, I get a little wiser. People make mistakes all the time. Why would I even think that I'm an exception?

 

In your case, what do you think have you become so negative? What experiences in your life have contributed to it? No need to post your answers here. I'm just giving you questions that you can ask yourself to help you reflect.

 

I remember reading one of your posts where you said that you want to be self-reliant. Well, THIS IS YOUR OPPORTUNITY TO GET WHAT YOU WANT