Ughhhhh...

[Muzatsu]

It's been about two months of NC/LC and I've still felt crappy. However, I don't cry with the same intensity or frequency as I did for the 2 months after breaking up. I'm starting to do things that are fun for myself and trying to let go. However, I want to see my ex before he goes to college since he leaves before me. I haven't seen him since last month at all, and I have talked to him maybe 5 times in the course of this entire summer. Of the times I have seen him face to face, it was in a group of friends, not an exclusive meeting or hangout. We have many mutual friends so, it wasn't intentional for us to be around each other at all. I just want to meet him before he goes and talk about some things, but I don't know if it will be a good idea. I kind of left him with the impression that I absolutely hate him and never want to hear from him again. Still, I don't want to be friends, but I don't want to pressure him to be with me either, although I do wish somewhere along the line we would be together again. I just want to see him one last time... What do you guys think I should do, let him leave without a goodbye after a whole summer of us not really speaking or seeing each other, or just do a quick catch up/goodbye thing without any strings attached, no emotions, but more of an acquaintance type meeting?

[blender]

Well, it's most important to be honest with yourself as to what you can handle emotionally. When you say something like you may want to "just do a quick catch up/goodbye thing without any strings attached, no emotions, but more of an acquaintance type meeting" well, that's not really being honest with yourself, becaus of course there will plenty of emotions, and there are strings attached because you are still emotionally vulnerable right now..

 

So try to separate your "feelings" from the "facts" about what your honest intentions, hopes, or expectations might be BEFORE you decide to make an attempt at contacting him about meeting.

 

By this I mean, write down your "feelings" like; "I miss him and hope to be together again" and then write down the "facts' like: "it's over for a reason, he has not made any intentional effort to win back my heart, so why would I make an effort to see him". Make a list of "feelings" and "facts" so you can sort out what would be best for YOU emotionally in the long run.

 

Having any expectation of what the meeting would be like could lead to any number of disappointments for you. I guess it depends on how the two of you have left the relationship, did he break up with you? And why does he have the impression that you "hate him?"

[Muzatsu]

Well, he broke up with me because I had some jealousy problems, and because he was feeling unhappy with himself and always drinking at school. I always had high thoughts of him, and believed he could do better that he was doing in areas of his life, but he tended to slack off and not do anything to his potential. He didn't feel satisfied with his lack of ambition and so it brought our relationship down because he was always too tired to be intimate, and he never wanted to see anyone, including his friends. In other words, he was depressed. I guess I made him feel worse about himself by being disappointed in him when he didn't do his best and he probably thought I wasn't being supportive, when in fact I just thought he could be much better than that.

 

After we broke up I told him I would erase him completely from my memory like he never existed and if I ever saw him again I would pretend he was a stranger. Of course this was said out of blind anger and I didn't mean it. However, I made him cry (though he was trying to play it off on the phone) and this man never really cries. I apologized but I said we still couldn't be friends. However, he kept saying he was my friend and really wanted to push for friendship. I stayed firm and said if I couldn't have his love, he couldn't revel in my friendship, because it wasn't fair. He understood I guess, and the next random encounters he kept his distance, and I acted aloof to him the majority of the time. He would randomly pet me on the head when I wasn't looking lol, and I was confused but I didn't say thing...It seems like he still likes me but hes too unhappy with himself to open up to another person.

[blender]

Well honey if he's "too unhappy with himself" then the mature thing might be for you to be in "acceptance" that this guy is still very young and he's just not "emotionally ready" for an authentic loving relationship just because he has too many issues to work through for himself. And that is not your job to point it out, but remember you tried to encourage him and he resented it... he's not ready to grow through this yet.. so it might be best for YOU to take care of yourself right now, get ready for a new year at school and all the wonderful possiblities that are ahead for you.

 

Ask yourself what "good" do you see coming from asking an ex to "meet up", especially an ex who broke up with you in the first place, who is not ready to be emotionally responsible for himself, who has not made an intentional clear effort to "meet up" with you alone.. ask yourself, what "good" would come from this?

 

Right now you just might be wanting to give in to an "urge" regarding a "fear" of yours that he's going back to school and you want to get one more emotional stab at him before he goes.. but that might FEEL like an "emergency" to you because he's leaving for school, but the FACT is, he's just going to school, he still knows how to contact you should he ever really discover that he's "ready" to be in a relationship with you.. but for right now you already know that HE is NOT doing anything to set up a meeting with you...

 

So just be careful and remember that HE broke off the relationship and he since then made NO clear intentional effort to get back together.. sure he might have been nice when you saw each other, or "pet your head" just out of sheer nostalgia and for the effect it might have.. but what has he really done to win back your heart?

 

It might be more empowering for you, more attractive and more healing to just let go for now, to concentrate on yourself, and what you have learned from your heartbreak, (instead of thinking what he should do with HIS life, think more about what YOU want to do with YOURS) and to realize how much strength you have, and to learn to be independent, not so jealous, be proud of yourself, work on you...

 

he's not really going anywhere but to school.. and to make a move right now on your part, well you might really be hurt again.... it's not always a good idea to give into that "urge" to want to contact and meet up because it is an emotional risk because right now you are still vulnerable... it might be worth taking some time for yourself, and know that at some time in the future you can always reach out to him..AFTER you wait a bit and regain some perspective on the facts.

 

why not wait a few months into the school year and then send a nice email saying, "how's school going for you?"

 

I'd say give it some more time, so you can concentrate on yourself for awhile... but just do whatever is best for you emotionally for now... but first ask yourself:

 

Would you be emotionally okay if you did ask to meet up with him and he said "no"?

Or if he did say "yes" and then you meet up and it's just more of the same emotional distance and he's just like, "yeah it was nice seeing you, have a great year". Would you be okay with either of those outcomes?

What are your HONEST EXPECTATIONS about meeting with him?

What do you "hope' would happen from a meeting with him?

How realistic do you honestly feel your expectations are?

[Muzatsu]

I guess your right...I'm still too emotional to meet him without expecting some kind of epiphany from him. I guess I am just scared he will find someone else that is more confident and more pretty than me. I knew already he thought I was a great girl but I always was jealous of other women for no apparent reason because I didn't think I was worth that much. I am trying to build my self esteem since we have been apart because, it's a common theme between us. He's optimistic but repressive, and I'm cynical and openly emotional. I guess we were both too young... Maybe our time wasn't right because we were just long term high school sweethearts. First loves... I thought we could go the distance (physically and metaphorically speaking) but without knowing who we really were inside, it made loving each other hard. He needs to know he can live without depending on someone, because he feels uncomfortable being close to anyone besides his siblings. I guess he's a loner at heart. And I need to learn how to respect myself and be happy with who I am.

 

He wants independence.

And I want self-reliance.

Same difference heh.

[blender]

Well you're a wise young girl.. you are really learning so much from all this heartache. And yes right now you are smart enough to know that you are still too emotionally vulnerable to do "more of the same thing" by trying to talk to him.. so as difficult as it is to "let it go for now" it's best for YOU in the long run..

 

because he's not going to meet someone "better" than you, he's not, you both share a precious history, and right now you're both young, and will always be "first loves" that is very precious, and remember he's just going to school, he still has all his own issues to work through, and you are doing the RIGHT THING by choosing to concentrate on yourself, and to rebuild your self esteem and that starts by NOT trying to reel him back in for today...

 

but instead celebrate YOU and all the wonderful possiblities for you this school year.. you can alway reach out to him later, but for right now give it more time for you to heal a bit more, to allow him a chance to "miss you" and to "wonder about you".. he may even be contacting you in a few months because of the fact that you had the class to just "let go for now" so find some strength in your ability to think this through so clearly and to give yourself some time... if you just let it go for now, you then leave that door open for the future, because nothing makes a guy run away more than a girl who tries to "hang on" in some way.. so for today, you just hang on to YOURSELF.. you're doing great, be proud of yourself.

[Muzatsu]

Thanks for the support blender! I have always neglected myself and given myself wholly to my friends and to him, and I guess I lost myself in all that giving. Going to college for the first time will give me new perspectives about life and about people in general. Maybe in time, he will realize how much of a good thing he has thrown away, but as for me, I don't want to make his mistakes and ruin my underclassman years of college by fooling around. I want to let myself be as creative and intelligent as I was meant to be. I saw an artist and a future writer in him, but he spent so much time drinking and being confused about himself, he didn't do as well as he should. I will be different than him and make sure I don't miss out on my own opportunities...I won't waste my time.

[blender]

Yes, I had a feeling you fell in love with his "potential" and you did not really fall in love with who he has reveald himself to actually be... there is a huge difference. And that's what I mean by 'feelings" and "facts".. you attached a bunch of expectations, dreams, hopes on to HIM, but thank goodness you are now aware that those hopes and dreams are YOURS, you have them for you, with you, to share with someone who also has those same dreams, goals and self respect.

 

Giving "too much" of yourself to a point where you lose a part of yourself is never ever worth it, it's doesn't lead to a healthy mature fulfilling relationship... so for right now you just take one day at a time in taking care of yourself.. you'll see the best is ahead of you not behind you.

 

Becoming a girl who has a full sense of herself, and does not compromise her values, and who has self respect, and "shares" good qualities with others, instead of teaching them, convincing them, but choose friends or mates who share the same values as you.. this will lead to a happier, more independent, strong YOU.

 

And as far as your ex goes, he already knows you're a wonderful girl, and he didn't "throw you away"....he's just too young, unsure, and not ready emotionally to match up to who YOU are... so just say a prayer for him and let go for now, and celebrate YOU. You never know what the future holds, but for right now it's best for you to just be concentrating on your own goals.

[Muzatsu]

Yeah, I had always compromised his inconsiderate behavior in the relationship, like always standing me up, and not keeping his promises, because I thought he didn't mean it. But it came to a point where I had enough of everything he did, and I exploded (wrong thing to do, I know) with all my grievances I had kept inside. I am a passive person, but when pushed enough, I have to put my foot down and say enough is enough. It's strange because he broke up with me when he was the one not fulfilling my needs. I was wronged but willing to fix things, but he just saw his exposed faults as yet another failure he wanted to block out of his mind. If he makes the move to see me, I would accept. After you (Blender) gave me a wakeup call, I realized that I was always compromising and trying, while he always ran away from things he found difficult. It's his turn to stop running and either find out what he wants,

and for me to stop trying to solve everyone else's problems but mine.

[blender]

Yes, good for you, you are right no one can fix him but himself. He's not emotionally ready for "authentic love".. so do not take anything he did personally, not in a negative or positive way.. because really his negative behavior says so much about him, his need for an ego boost, his insecurities making him selfish and wanting to run away.. he's not going anywhere but in a big circle and he will keep running into himself..

 

and IF he ever decides to stop and look in the mirror long enough he might have a chance at growing beyond his own issues, but that might never happen, because looking at your own issues takes courage, maturity and willingness.

 

You have the courage, maturity and willingness to look at yourself and to realize that the only power and control you have is over your own choices and behavior.. not anyone elses... so for today you stick with the self respecting plan of letting it go for now, and to concentrate on feeling fulfilled in your own heart, instead of getting a "fix" off of making some guy your "project".. that is a lose-lose battle.. instead YOU are your only thing to work on...

 

heck, this time is for you... and as soon as you start having the self respect to treat yourself as a girl who deserves a guy who knows how to respect himself and the girl who he dates.. when you know that is what you desire, deserve and want.. and you live within those values.. you will attract the most amazing guy into your life...

 

You have had a valuable lesson in the "I will help this guy be better" syndrome.. and don't you waste a minute feeling guilty about finally getting upset and pouring out all your frustrations and resentments.. it happened because you swept too much under the carpet for too long, and you can forgive yourself now by choosing to NOT allow that to happen again for you in ANY relationship, instead be clear about what it is you want and have to offer in a relationship, and if that means it doesn't work out then it's time to move on and find someone who SHARES your same values, dreams, and ambition in life...