Constant battle in my mind

[Sieze2k]

Sometimes, instead of explaining everything, I wish I could just project what I'm feeling straight into peoples minds, but since that isn't possible...

 

I have been with my girlfriend for about on and a half years now. We've been through the infatuation, the passion, the love, the arguments, the crying, the making up.

 

However, a few months ago, I voluntarily split up with her myself because of a certain situation that happened to arise. We were beginning to fall apart and lose, as they say, the "spark" between us.

 

At this same moment in time, a friend, (though not a very close one) had been making friends with her. He is a very insecure type who has a habit of only being able to talk to girls if they're going through a tough patch or if they're taken. A guy, as they say, who is "too nice". (Just to give an idea.)

 

He texted her constantly, and at the time it was happening, despite our arguments, me and my girl laughed about his obsession. Yet, my girlfriend, being as she is, would always reply to the text out of guilt of ignoring them.

 

Eventually, we decided to take a break, in which we said we would only be friends with one another, but not go anywhere near other people. Those were the ground rules. It lasted a day, but she didn't manage it and wanted to get back together as normal, so we did.

 

To cut a long story short, we decided to take a break again, except this time it was ok if were to "do stuff" with any other people. I found out a day after that my "friend" had found out that she was now classed as single and kissed her when they were in college. I found out and it hurt like hell, and she explained to me that it meant nothing and that she pulled away.

 

Now she also spoke to him a lot on MSN. To cut a long story short, a few weeks after the kiss incident, I, (though it was a * * * *ty thing to do) looked through the chatlogs out of desperation. I just wanted to know the truth, of what was being said. Even now I don't believe I was completely wrong to do that, because she didn't tell me a damn thing.

 

Again, to cut it short, I saw a lot of "sweet" talk between them and found out that they had met after college once and had walked down into the woods, where, from what I had read, they had hugged and kissed, (or made out, whatever you like to call it) but to what extent, I do not know, but it hurt me like hell

 

I told her it was over between us, swore a lot, and walked away from it all.

 

To skip a few paragraphs, she ended up asking for me back. She was traumatized as hell, very upset, and it was most definitely authentic. To make it even worse we had booked a £600 fortnight holiday and now we didn't know what the hell was to become of it all.

 

I took her back, agreed to forgive and try to forget.

 

Now the problem.

 

I am finding it hard to forgive, and hard to forget. My mind and heart and constantly at battle in a frenzy of emotions. One part of me can forget what happened and truly love her. We have the spark back and certain parts of our relationship seem to have become stronger. She misses me every day we're not around one another, and, though I believe absense from one another is good regularly, (absense makes heart grow fonder etc) I miss her as well. I believe I love her and that we can get somewhere.

 

Another part of me envisions her kissing my "friend." My mind is telling me I am weak to be back with her. It no longer feels like she is mine and that she seems to have gotten away with something. I feel sometimes that I may be wasting my time with her, and that I am weak to not break it off and finish it. I feel stupid feeling that I have lost some sort of friend, as a minor part of my life as he may have been, to a relationship. That she is on slight speaking terms with him. And should I forgive him and talk to him again? Knowing his insecurity and ways?

 

I want this to work. But these god damn clashing of swords, so to speak, in my mind, is driving me * * * *ing insane. Excuse the language.

 

I need advice. I am reaching out for help and I want to know your views and your opinions. Any sort of advice or help would be GREATLY appreciated. Somebody here may be the key for me making my final decision. I have been helped greatly here before, and I would love for it to happen again.

 

Thank you!

[nightw0lf]

Hey there,

 

You know after reading your post i can imagine the battle going on in your head. You say that she regrets doing what she did and that since the incident your relationship has increased in strength in some ways which i say is good.

 

However, for someone to love you but kiss your best friend is a bit dodge for my liking. What happens if she does it again ? How you going to feel ? I guess it all depends on how your relationship is now since the incident. Do you ever talk about this incident often ?

[itsallgrand]

Did you say 1 and a half years?

 

Excuse me, I might be wrong, but this seems to be like the final gasps of something that is dying.

It's just a matter of accepting it or not now.

 

The theatrics are high, and the emotions, but most of them sound 'false'. By that, I mean, now not only is there the boredom issue that was presented and in which you chose to break up over (go outside the relationship), but there is the added element of her having gone outside of the relationship to another person over it. There's insecurity on both ends, and negative feelings, and a break in trust.

Now neither of you are bored for now, but that's only temporary. What happens when/if the relationship evens out?

 

The only way I could see this working is if you started all over again.

And that can't happen without now resolving and laying to rest all that has come to pass.

Which can't happen if you are trying to shove your true self and feelings down in the name of keeping the peace, so that the two of you can be 'together'.

 

Why in the hell is she still talking to the vamp? That doesn't make sense.

 

I don't think there IS a decision to be made. Only a choice to not fight what is happening.

 

In my way of thinking, life is too short for this crap. It sounds draining for no reason. Love doesn't require stuffing it when things aren't right. Just be honest about what you can and can't do. That's all.

[Sieze2k]

Well the situation was that there was no rule against it. It's the fact that she always said to me there would be no chance she'd like him, and that it was a person that I knew. As if she didn't think it would hurt me if I found out.

 

But then again, as I said, another part of me doesn't give a * * * * and just wants to stick with that mindset.

 

Thanks for your reply. I'm really just trying to find a certain mindset I can stick to and not stray from easily. One that makes me feel sure and strong about what's going on.

[nightw0lf]

Well the situation was that there was no rule against it. It's the fact that she always said to me there would be no chance she'd like him, and that it was a person that I knew. As if she didn't think it would hurt me if I found out.

 

But then again, as I said, another part of me doesn't give a * * * * and just wants to stick with that mindset.

 

Thanks for your reply. I'm really just trying to find a certain mindset I can stick to and not stray from easily. One that makes me feel sure and strong about what's going on.

 

 

Just go with your gut feeling, go with what you feel is best for you..