It's just so hard to let go...

[Benjamin]

My ex and I split up in July....we had started to grow apart and the romance left our relationship and after a huge drunken argument I said we needed time apart. We never argued much and when we did it never got out of hand. She got an apartment in a nearby city, close to her work. We started dating 4 years ago when she was 18 and I was 21. So she never really had a chance to experience "adult life" as a single so to speak. We were engaged and planned to marry next November.

 

Well...after a month I slipped into a deep depression. She wanted to date other people and see what was out there. And all I wanted was to have her back. She made no effort to see me, and I would try to see her all the time, would call constantly and was put on a shelf basically. Her main beef was that I wasn't really romantic enough and I swore I would change and she said people never really "change". Before we got together she had a bit of a "lose" reputation. She had slept around a bit and was a bit of a party girl. I thought that if we were together that would change. And she never cheated on me, well not that I know about. But she's a huge flirt and I always had trust issues with her, especially when she said I was the first guy she hadn't cheated on. A week after our breakup she went to Atlantic City with a friend. And returned with Hickeys on her neck. She tried to lie and said her friend gave them to her jokingly, then finally admitted it. I forgave her and chalked it up to her being upset. Since then...I've been depressed and been chasing her to no avail. She tells me she loves me and wants to see me, but makes no effort. I've shown up at her house unannounced and when I get there she won't let me in because she has "company" and I just turn around and walk away. Furthermore she asked me not to just "stop by" without calling. This is a woman who I shared EVERYTHING with...made plans for having children and getting married. This was a woman who would look at me with nothing but pure love in her eyes..who adored me like no other at one time. God I miss that. Anyway, lately I've heard about her dating this guy or that guy and I just get upset when I hear it from people. But to her credit I guess she was a bit slutty before so I guess in her own words "people just don't change"...but yet I would run back to her in a heartbeat if she offered herself back to me....sometimes I hate myself for being so weak. I've started to see a woman named Heather who is amazing. And I feel bad for her because I'm scared to commit to her or let it go further because I'm hoping Audrey will come around anytime now and I'll go running back.

 

There's so much more to the whole story..but..that's the most basic version...I'm just confused and still see us in the future...and..I'm sad that I can't let go and move on.

 

what to do..what to do...

[SwingFox]

Hi,

 

The situation you are in perfectly healthy. Don't forget that you have spent four years of your lives together. That is whole lot. You are hurt by what happened and you are hurt over what she has been doing afterwards. However, time will heal all wounds as long as you admit your emotion, your loss and grief.

 

When feeling down, I would recommend you to think wether this young woman would have really make you feel happy. I think you always would have had trust issues. From what I read between the lines is that this young woman is not ready yet for a steady commitment.

 

Last, but not least: keep talking to Heather. Make her feel good and love her to death. Don't hold your feelings back from her. Your feelings for her will make feelings for Audrey forget. Another advantage is that Heather might return your feelings by loving you more.

 

Good luck!

 

~ SwingFox ~

[eterna2]

I'm no expert, but my personal opinion is tat you shld just forget about Audrey. The chances of u 2 getting back together is so small that it isn't worth mentioning. Just leave her and move on.

 

It is hard I know, but it is better to have a clean break, then drag it on. You will only make yourself feel worse. Dun hope that she will come back to u again, cuz she won't. Stop thinking about her, and stop hoping. After a few weeks, ya will feel better, just dun think or remind or see her for the next few weeks.

 

Dragging on, and hoping will only kill yourself. Dun be like me, a lesson I learnt the hard way.

[zippitt]

Hi, sorry for your pain. I know it's really hard when you have spent so much time with another person only to have them disappear from your life. I agree with SwingFox in that you really have to think about it long and hard. Could you truly be happy with this person? I loved my ex so much, but she drove me crazy. Deep down I knew the craziness would eventually cause me to leave her. It's just crappy she broke up first. It might sound funny, but relationships still have a little bit of game to them, even the serious ones. If you play too easy, too soft, too willing and the romance may drift. I don't agree with SwingFox on pursuing her. The more you push the more she will try to get away. Be her friend, but don't throw yourself at her. Women, heck anyone tends to be turned off by that behavior. Remember as you try to be her friend, remind yourself the relationship as boy friend/girlfriend is over. If you can't do this while just being her friend, or you get too jealous of guys she might be dating then avoid her altogether. I could not be a friend with my girlfriend after the break because I needed to get over her. I am still not over her. It takes a lot of time. It's hard to be strong, your not weak...love can make the strongest fall. Do what you have to, everyone is different. However, take some time for yourself, seriously think about if the relationship is really for you. Only you really know deep down, but don't ever let anyone walk over you. Stand up for yourself, this is now about YOUR happiness and YOUR well being...she's already made her decisions. It's time to make yours. Hope this helps some.

[thaj]

I am in a similar situation to you at the moment, but my ex hates me, he couldnt even tell me straight the relationship was over. I am really depressed at the moment, I cant imagine being happy with anyone else.

 

I would do anything to get back the love he felt for me at one time, but I've realised you cant make someone feel something they dont. Believe me, I've tried!! All I managed to do is destroy our friendship by calling and trying to sort things out, and now he wont even talk to me.

 

Its so hard, but try to keep yourself busy so you dont think of her, concentrate on Heather, but if you are thinking about Audrey when you are with her, then maybe your not ready to start something new yet. I know I'm not. The pain must get less over time. Life does go on, you just need to learn to move on with it.