Dealing with past issues

[hazeleyed]

As I have stated I am leaving an abusive relationship for the 3rd time..kind of sad i know. But i am trying here ....I am starting to realize new things each time I leave. I am feeling better now and I wish I had a clean slate at things but one more year of university and then law school. Today mom pointed out this guy who got a really high level of percentage and topped it in school. I thought I used to be like that too...I used to get good grades, the teachers knew me as a bright student. Until this year where I completely slipped....slipped so far that I had to literally beg for extensions...the faculty knew what was going on with me and it was okay because I had to get through. Except now the thought of going back with everyone knowing what happened bugs me...It feels like everyone will be pointing me out in the faculty or judging me and saying things. I know this should motivate me to do well but it still bugs me.

 

For a few days something else was bugging me too. I remember this one girl who became friends with me told me one night that she didn't even know I was with my ex until I told her. Then she said that everyone thought of me as my ex's *biatch*. I broke down that night, couldn't even complete my essay, i couldnt stop crying. As a matter of fact I cried till 6 am and smoked about 5 cigreettes ...(i never smoked prior to that). So i asked her today what she meant by that if no one had known me how could people think i am his -----. She denied it, told me I was imagining that she said that to me and logged off on me rudely. I was stunned. I started feeling the same emotions I feel when my ex lied to my face --- plain old angry and I felt like I wanted to slap her. How can someone lie to m elike that? But whatever...maybe this is another slap on the face to get my reality together. I have started anew chapter but because I am so used to staying in junk I keep going back. I try to distract myself but I just feel so moody and ugly inside. I used to love working out....now all i do is eat or sleep or study. I feel so tired to do anything but that.

 

Whenever my ex tries to contact me he always asks me to meet and I turn him down. He tries to get under my skin by asking me if another guy is pleasing me. I haven't talked to my ex in a while and I am hoping to keep it that way. He isn't going to be at school anymore since hes kicked out. i am not even afraid if he will be there..I think I am just afraid of myself, the responsibilities....something inside my head is sleeping and I cant wake it up anymore...i tell myself I will do something but i ignore it, i dont feel like doing it...i dont want to do anything but sleep.

 

Counselling has helped me, I feel strong but it comes down to if i really want to help myself. Maybe if I just force myself to work out, wake up early, smell the fresh air....maybe if I just stop going back to all the negativity that makes me feel awful.....it will all help.

 

I have learnt a lot but along with the lessons I have also hurt myself and left myself pretty vulnerable.

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

Hey there Hazeleyed..

 

I was in an abusive relationship ...and when i ended things... i was always felt embarrassed to say why ...i felt like i had a big neon sign over my head that said "idiot!!" ...

 

But heres the thing that you are overlooking.... you loved yourself so much that you left an abusive relationship ....you should feel proud that you had the strength to do that.

 

Also, you left the relationship because he was abusive and hurt you emotionally and physically ... why are you going to continue with the abuse by beating yourself up over this?

 

The best thing you can do is go VERY strict NC ... its what you have to do while you heal... usually abusive men are very manipulative and know what to say to get you to come back... and i think you understand this ..since this your 3rd time leaving him. So try not to give him any chances to manipulate you.... and the best way to do that is to just not talk to him- see him- write him- think about him...just focus on every you need to do for you.... study, homework, get out and do things you enjoy... take time to be with yourself... you'll find that girl who took pride in her school work again... you are mourning right now... regardless of how he treated you ... you cared for him..so allow yourself to mourn that loss.

 

Stay strong.

[hazeleyed]

Thank you for the reply Healinghandswarmheart. I agree with you that I need to focus on myself but sometimes when i get so lonely I feel as if the negative energy was better than nothing. I get so much time alone wiht myself that I feel as if I made the whole story up about being abused that it was always my fault.

 

The night he left me alone downtown and I had to find my way home...right now I feel as if that was non existant and that he did try to call me to find me. But its the first action that matters right? He made me feel like a dog that night and it doesnt matter afterwards if he was looking or not....I am afraid to meet the people who know what happened to me for example his friends. I am scared that they will point at me and say oh look its her....i feel like a criminal who just got out of jail and everyone is going to know. i am feeling so insecure ....i feel like I am losing and going deeper and deeper into a dark place....i dont know how to raise above that anymore....

[comfyshoes]

Hey Hazeleyed,

 

I don't reall have a lot to add to what HHWH has said already, but....

You feel like negative energy was better than nothing at all because you have been conditioned to feel that way.

My ex was emotionally abusive, never physically, but she left me feeling worthless, as if i didn't deserve or could never find any better. i took this woman back six times!

She destroyed my self esteem and it's taking me a long time to build it back up. I used to be a strong confident woman. I just need to find her again, as do you.

 

You have taken the first steps down that road. Embrace the good days and live them up. Deal with the bad days as they come. I still have them, but that are getting less frequent and i move past them a little easier.

 

stay strong.

 

shoes

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

i know what you mean about feeling like you made everything up.... i felt the same way ..and i would think to myself...it wasn't THAT bad...could i have stayed and made it work- i should have done this and i shouldn't have done that..if i hadn't...he wouldn't have gotten so mad ...etc etc..

 

I dont know what happened in your relationship...but i do know that if you felt like you were abused..then you were abused... and nothing that you did caused it.... he is responsible for himself and his actions... you can not take responsibility for what someone else does. No one has a right to abuse you... nobody.

 

The people that you meet are going to think what they are going to think.... it doesn't matter...they don't live your life.. you do. Let them think what they want. One of the hardest things i felt after leaving my ex was what HE was telling everyone what happened...HIS version...It infuriated me! omg what are they going to think of me? is all i could think about it... i felt ashamed and embarrassed and angry! i wanted to tell my side of the story! But honestly, there isn't anything that you or I can do about what other people think or say.... all you have to do is hold your head high and know that you made the right decision.

 

It is very lonely at first...and as a strange as it sounds...without the abuse and emotional drama... life just seems kinda empty ..and its hard to appreciate the peace. Thats why i say you need to put all of your focus 100% on you and only you. Go for walks ... read...drown yourself in your homework.... and things you enjoy...get to know yourself again... you've been hiding since you met your BF.

[hazeleyed]

Dear healinghandswarmheart,

 

i am trying so hard to drown myself but I feel like I am not motivated enough. Your right life without emotional drama seems kinda empty...sounds pathetic doesnt it? I have met some amazing people in school (summer school) and I wonder where are these people in my own school? All the people I see from September - April are back biting people who just want a joy ride from your stories. I dont need to tell anyone anything but I need to stop feeling like I care about what others think. I have dropped a lot of people...and they message me and ask me whats up with that. My friend suggested since its my last year I keep it cool with everyone but how can I? I feel like these people have disappointed me and hurt me....where were they when I needed someone? Some of these girls who pretended to be my friends and cried with me one day went out the next day with my ex and his friends ...they took pictures together , they hung out....sooo where is the loyalty? God I am so pist off at everyone ....i dont know how to remain calm sometimes because I am okay till someone asks me "how are things with u and ur ex?" Then something about the memories comes back....kinda like scratching that wound that wont heal, putting salt on it and making it hurt more....its so easy for people to get to me these days.....I am so defensive ...I have been hiding...been hiding by sleeping, staying in my room, not working out because I think whats the use? Whats the use of anything I do ???

 

I am sick and tired of feeling so down with myself....i am so tired that I just perfer sleeping because atleast I have good dreams lol.

 

I understand what you mean about him telling the friends stories. My ex put out the image that hes the best thing that happened tome, that he loved me so much ...but inside him u know how much hate he had for me? It came out when we had fights...when he said i was a * * * *.

[hazeleyed]

Hi Comfyshoes,

 

I understand where you are coming from too. Trust me I have been on this site since last year dealing with the same issue. Can u believe it? I bet everyone is probably tired if I am this annoyed with myself. You know when i dont talk to him I feel so good sometimes like I can do anything in my life...as soon as I talk to him it feels like I am going to be jailed.

 

When guys approach me or just people in general i question them like I am a police officer ...I dont let anyone near me and if someone shows me interest i tend to run the other way...i mean whats the use right? I am not ready, I am hurting....how can someone love me if I dont even love myself? Yeah its nice to imagine having a prince come for me but when I really think about it...I think those stories best stay stories until I am ready to fall in love with myself.

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

Hazeleyed...how long were you and your ex together and how long has it been since you broke up?

 

When my ex and i broke up ..his own friends talked to me about his behavior and how they agreed with my decision... but they still stayed friends with him...and like you ..i couldn't understand how they could even be around him knowing what happened....i wanted everyone to leave him and hate him...and make him suffer.... but that didnt happen ... and it won't happen ... his friends and the other people you talked about ..didn't live the abuse like you did...so while they understand how you feel.... they didn't experience it ...so they will still hang out with him. Make sense?

 

Do you have a history of depression? how long have you been in counseling? Has your doctor discussed anti-depressants with you? I know a lot of people are against anti depressants..but i do think that that when you are suffering ... that sometimes you need a little help getting out of a hole...and taking anti depressants for a short period of time..under you drs supervision..could be really the lift you need to begin to see the light.

[hazeleyed]

I was with him for 3 years now...I broke up with him in March. I have previous threads on here from last summer if you wish to view. As for counselling I started in May so its not been that long.

 

As for his friends you are right. The night he slammed my head against the wall and floor his friend called me. I told him everything and even said your friend might have been in jail today. His friend was like even if you sent him to jail i would get him bail because he will always be my friend. I think I started expecting things from the wrong types of people. I figured people would leave someone for me if they truly cared for me. But in this world its all about loss and profit. If you profit something from someone over me why would you leave them right? That is how him and his friends think. As for me my parents never taught me to live my life like that so I am totally the opposite which is one reason why I never felt comfortable with his friends.

 

I went back and things got worse ....and i know this time its the matter of my career and him. It has come down to things as simple as that: i go back i will lose my chance of getting into law school....if i stay away and work hard now I will be in law school next year...it is as cut as dry as that. I just need to start finding solutions to my issues....Ineed to stop focusing on and feeling validiated by how much people like me and what they think about me. Does that make sense?

 

As for anti-depressants I dont think my parents would ever approve. The culture I come from is very conservative...my parents don't even know that I had a bf.

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

I went back and things got worse ....and i know this time its the matter of my career and him. It has come down to things as simple as that: i go back i will lose my chance of getting into law school....if i stay away and work hard now I will be in law school next year...it is as cut as dry as that. I just need to start finding solutions to my issues....Ineed to stop focusing on and feeling validiated by how much people like me and what they think about me. Does that make sense?

 

That makes perfect sense... im sure you've heard it all before.. you don't need others to validate you .. love yourself...and to you it sounds like blah blah blah ... you want to know HOW to stop... thats how i felt anyway... for me... i stopped caring what other people thought ...when i started to care about what i thought.

 

You should definitely continue with therapy ...i think you will learn a lot about yourself.

 

and I had the same situation with one of my exes friends... he couldn't care less what he did to me...it was all "where is he? is he ok? does he need bail??" i hung up on him ..and never spoke to him again...at that point i knew where his priority was...i haven't spoken to him since i hung up on him.

[hazeleyed]

Yeah with his friend he was playing mind games with me too...what do you expect right? Same types of people hang out together. You seem very strong and I am so happy that you got out. I hope someday at a point I can become as strong as you and Blender. Both of you seem like you know what you want now and you are happy with where your life is at.

 

I always saw myself as one of those business women who had no time for games and bull.... and I saw myself as achieving everything, being recognized for who i am and what I did ...leaving university with top grades ....I saw myself as successful....not sure where those dreams went. Today sometimes when shop for clothes I cringe at the htought that I gained some weight and I dont look like the way I wanted too....

 

I am trying...I really am ...and I do need to stop caring of what others wil think and focus on me...pray for me....