Am thinking about sending book to ex - want advice

[Cindersam]

I already posted this but I think I put it in the wrong forum. I'm not really sure where it belongs but maybe I can get some advice on this one.

 

I recently finished reading a book entitled "The Irritable Male Syndrome" and it REALLY reminds me of my ex. In fact it reminds me of him so much that I am thinking about sending a copy to him - not to be insulting but to be helpful. It is a book about male andropause when conbined with stress causing depression in males.

 

We had talked a few times (long before we broke up) about the possibility that he was going through andropause (male equivalency to menopause). He even had his testosterone checked and the doctor told him it was normal. We also talked a few times about him being depressed and I know he was relucatant to take antidepressants - partly because of the sexual side effects and partially because his mother commited suicide while she was on antidepressants.

 

We broke up 8 months ago. After he broke up with me I thought his depression must have been because of me since he broke up with me. So that would stand to reason that if it were me he would be happier without me right? Well I saw him about 6 - 7 weeks ago (6 months after the break up) and he still seemed depressed to me. He tried to fake it but I saw through it. Everything I asked him about was bad (his job, kids, etc.) He even made a statement that my life was going good and his wasn't. I know this was 6 -7 weeks ago but if he had been depressed for about 1 - 1 1/2 years prior to the break up and was still depressed 6 months after the break up chances are he is still depressed.

 

I read the book "The Irritable Male Syndrome" to try and make sense of it all and at least 85 - 90% of it is him. I found myself shaking my head through it thinking about him. It helped me in my healing a lot because I realized that his reasons for breaking up with me probably had very little to do with me and more to do with what he is going through in his life.

 

I know most people would think that sicne I am no longer his girlfriend that I should not care about him but I do. We were together for 6 years and even though it did not work out the way I had wanted it to he is still a very special person to me and I care about him. I so not like seeing him unhappy.

 

I am thinking about sending a copy of this book to him because I think it would help him to see that what he is going through is perfectly normal for a man his age. I do not mean it as an insult although the title tends to make it seem like one. Plus the fact that we had talked about this subject when we were together and he was open to the idea of anadrpause just not sure what to do about it.

 

A friend suggested that I just leave it in his mailbox annonymously but I'm pretty sure he would know it was from me. Plus the title of the book might make him think I was calling him an "irritable male" which is not my intention.

 

I was just thinking about including a very short note saying something to the effect of: "A friend told me about this book and I thought you might like to read it. I hope all is well with you. Take care,..." Any ideas on this? I feel it lets himsknow that I mean it in a good way because I care but without saying anything really personal or anything about "us". Any thoughts?

[Coyote9]

Can you do this without any expectation of him wanting to contact you or somehow change and reconcile? What are your motives for yourself in doing this action? We can't show other people who they are or suggest ways they can change if we don't have a relationship with them.

 

While I'm sure you care deeply and can see this man in this book, I would examine your motives and what you hope to get out of it before doing this. If you want to change him, and at some level are hoping he'll "see the light about himself and be grateful to me" then I personally feel that you're in for disappointment.

[ElektraHere]

I would highly advise against it. This will lead to nothing but trouble. I mean really would you enjoy getting a book "The Irritable Female Book?" You would probably be offended. Also it isn't your responsibility to "show him normalcy." He is is big boy and he will have to figure out HIS life himself. This is a can of worms you should keep closed.

[Cindersam]

Coyote,

 

Thanks for your advice. I don't think I am expecting anything in return but then again maybe I don't realize my own motives. I think my motive is that I truly care about him and am trying to help. He has been depressed for a long time now.

 

Elektra,

 

Thanks for replying. I understand about the title - it does sound offensive and I probably wouldn't appreciate getting a book entitled that. But the inside of the book is much more helpful. It is written by a man who is a therapist and has gone through depression himself so he can really relate to men in similar situations.

 

I sure don't want to offend him. I just thought that maybe if he read another male's perspective, someone who had actually gone through it, it might help.

 

I know it's not my place any more and that's why I'm not sure if I should do it. But the last time we spoke he told me about things that were not going right in his life so I kind of feel that he still sees me as a confidant or he would have told me everyhting was fine.

 

I guess I'm confused. I want to help him. I still care about him. Maybe I should have tried to help him more when we were together.

[KrisAnn]

I have to agree - sending that book would do more harm than good.

 

He needs to recognize that he has a problem, and he has to do it on his own. If you still feel this strong desire to reach out and help him, fine, do it. But don't do it by sending that book. That isn't going to make you look like a helpful friend - that's going to make you look like a bitter ex.

[Cindersam]

Ellie,

 

He has admitted to having depression. When I last spoke with him ( which was about 6 months after the break up) I asked him if I was the reason for his depression. He told me no. We have spoke about this subject a few times when we were together. He even had his testosterone checked and the doctor told him it was normal so he didn't think it was male andropause. This book addresses that just because it is normal for you age does not mean it is not low. He is 53 so of course it is not the same level it was when he was in his 20's. This combined with stress can cause depression. I think it would be helpful for him to see that it is a normal thing for men his age.

 

I think he is afraid to get help because of what happened to his mom.

(she committed suicide while on antidepressants). I would not be able to fogive myself if he attempted the same and I had not at least tried to help him. I don't think he would but he has been depressed for quite a while now so who knows.

 

Maybe I should give it to him in person instead? That wasy I can first see how he is feeling and kind of broach the subject before giving him the book. Then maybe he won't misunderstand my motives. I just thought that mailing it to him was a little less intrusive.

[Cindersam]

KrisAnn,

 

I understand what you are saying. But how else should I try to help?

[ElektraHere]

Cinder, You have to stop making excuses. Its not your place. He has other people that are in his life that can help him. Your place in that has been removed. There shouldn't be any confusion, it's pretty cut and dried if you ask me. You are no longer a couple, you need to move on (not reading books that may pertain to your ex's problems), and focus on your life.

[Dako]

Few people would enjoy receiving a book about their personality faults, especially from an ex.

They're called self-help books for a reason.

[lovelyc]

Er....I, also, think it is wise not to send that book. I would get personally offended by that and probably pissed if my EX sent me a book on helping myself...you have to somehow get your mind off your ex and help yourself by leaving the past in the past...It seems like you possibly may want contact with him somehow..I dunno...just don't think it's the greatest idea

[jettison]

Can you do this without any expectation of him wanting to contact you or somehow change and reconcile? What are your motives for yourself in doing this action? We can't show other people who they are or suggest ways they can change if we don't have a relationship with them.

 

While I'm sure you care deeply and can see this man in this book, I would examine your motives and what you hope to get out of it before doing this. If you want to change him, and at some level are hoping he'll "see the light about himself and be grateful to me" then I personally feel that you're in for disappointment.

 

I was about to post exactly what you wrote. Exactly.

[jettison]

Cindersam,

 

Ask yourself this question. If he was with a new GF right now and told you that he wasn't happy about life in general, but very happy with his new GF, would you still send him the book?

 

What if he said "I think you're great, but i'm not even attracted to you anymore, and we can never be together again." Would you still want to send him the book?

 

I ask because, like Coyote says, I think that many of us can relate. You're not over him, and you want him back. You have this idea that if he wasn't depressed that he'd come to realize his mistake and want you back. Heck, i've been there after being dumped by a clinically depressed person. But it just won't work this way.

[Cindersam]

Thanks everyone! Maybe I don't realize my own motives for sending the book. I truly thought I just wanted to help but maybe there are other reasons I'm not willing to admit even to myself. You guys made me think alot. You're right - it's not my place. I'm not going to send the book. THanks alot for all the insight.

[SadOldMan]

Cindersam. Well done on making a wise decision