How can I tell if it's love, or just sex?

[RobustMouse]

A few weeks ago I landed myself in a complicated situation. I was on vaction, and while there I met this man and fall for him very strongly. While there, we flirted, and tried to get serious with me. I refused, because I didn't know if it was sex (which I strongly suspected) or some other possibility. In the end, we didn't do anything, but we exchanged numbers and have been texting back and forth. He doesn't say much, or reply to everyone. But on one occasion it got rather sexual on a day that I called him and got his voice mail. He responded throughout the day after I called. His texts aren't the 'loveish' stuff, except on a few occasions although it is text so maybe some of it is understandable, maybe he hates text or something. Other times I send him one and he never replies back.

 

Anyway, I have been planning on going back up there to visit him. But I have been wondering whether or not this entire deal I have with him is all about sex. I can't tell if I went up there if he would do me and than push me aside. I am planning on calling him in a few days. How do I ask him what this is about in the appropriate 'man' manner? How do I ask him if he 'loves' me, or if all he wants is lay me? How do I ask if it's me or sex?

 

I love him so much, and I've been comptemplating telling him this. Would it be a good idea to call and have a conversation? THe texts have been going on for a few weeks. I'm so confused, because I don't want to waste all my $, or time if sex is all this is about. Please help me :sad:

[ONE HOT MAMA]

How can you say you "love this man so much" after just a few weeks of texting each other??? That is ludicrous.

[russ978]

Vaxil,

 

I'm not exactally sure how you fell in love with a man who you've met once, occasionally text, and sometimes talk to the phone on. I wouldn't even consider that grounds for labeling him as a 'close friend.'

 

Its a common question that I have to ask. How old are you?

[amtjrtcet]

I agree, how do you know you love him?? I think its more infatuation.

[RobustMouse]

I am nineteen. I have to agree with the infatuation. I know the difference between the concept of 'love' and infatuation. I wouldnt have used that word if I knew we would take it so technical. I just so effed up with my emotions right now I'm trying to figure out what the hell to do with it.

[lessy20]

How old is he? I would be careful...could very well be about the sex.

[RobustMouse]

He is 25, and a resident of where I met him.

[JadedStar]

I get the feeling he is interested in sex. A man who does not even know you well or who has never even taken you on a proper date who does not always return texts, and who sends sexual emails and what not is probably not looking for a serious dating candidate out of you at this time.

 

That is just my gut feel from your first post.

 

I caution you tho, if you are thinking you are really in love with him, because that can cloud your judgement with this guy big time.

 

Has he had any conversations with you about how he likes you, or ever mentions anything that suggests he'd like to go out on a date with yoU? Interested men will tend to mention places they enjoy going and say hey it would be great if we could go together sometimes...you know things like that.

[RobustMouse]

Jaded Star, thank you for your post. And yes, I am laying any other action on intuition alone.

[anggrace]

There is a big difference between love and infatuation. I also have a gut feeling it's about sex for him. Give it more time before you plan a visit. If he really is interested in you you will know. There will be more than the occasional flirting.

[definitely_maybe]

Hard to say for sure. But, one thing i do know is that there are a lot of guys out there who just want the sex. They will play a pretty smooth game to get you in bed.

 

Since he is not local, and you only met him for a short time, it may not be worth pursuing. But, there always is a possibility that it could turn into something.

 

You could always just sleep with him and see if he calls, but i have a bad feeling about how that might go

[Batya33]

I am nineteen. I have to agree with the infatuation. I know the difference between the concept of 'love' and infatuation. I wouldnt have used that word if I knew we would take it so technical. I just so effed up with my emotions right now I'm trying to figure out what the hell to do with it.

 

I would have him visit you and stay in a hotel (not with you) and go out on dates with him in public while he is there. If he only wants sex he won't like that situation. I also would stop the sex-talk on the phone or chat.

[RobustMouse]

If I had too, what would be the best way to ask "Am I nothing but a one night stand?" I've heard it's bad to ask, "Do I mean anything, do you love me, ect.)"

[BeStrongBeHappy]

You could ask him if it is just sex, and he could lie and say no, just to try to get sex from you..

 

you have to look at the total picture of how he is behaving. and it is too early anyway for either of you to be talking about love when you are just sending sexy texts back and forth.

 

i think it is best for you to decide what you want from the relationship and make that clear and see what he does. by that i mean, if you want a real relationship with dating and getting to know one another, then i suggest tell him you want to slow down and date a while before leaping into sex. if all he wants is sex, he will drop you, because he will not want to 'waste' time with the other things he doesn't want.

 

if he really wants a relationship, he will work on getting to know you and do lots of things with you, not just go straight for sex and nothing else.

[Batya33]

If I had too, what would be the best way to ask "Am I nothing but a one night stand?" I've heard it's bad to ask, "Do I mean anything, do you love me, ect.)"

 

You don't just ask and indeed there is no reason to ask if your actions are consistent with someone who is not comfortable with casual sex - see my post above for some suggestions. And what you do is you don't have sex for at least a few months of consistent dating - not to play a game but to act consistently with your values. He won't wait around for too long if he wants casual sex. I think it is unfair to ask a new man what you "mean" to him as far as love. Better simply to see how he treats you and that is your answer.

[crimsonkiss]

Does he have a job that keeps him busy all day? that may be the reason he isn't texting much. But if that's not the case, then I'm afraid that I'm going to have to say that it's just about sex. I hate to jump to that conclusion right away as I don't want to hurt anybody, especially since I don't know you.

[Batya33]

Does he have a job that keeps him busy all day? that may be the reason he isn't texting much. But if that's not the case, then I'm afraid that I'm going to have to say that it's just about sex. I hate to jump to that conclusion right away as I don't want to hurt anybody, especially since I don't know you.

 

When a man is sincerely interested in a lady for more than just casual sex, the fact that he has a busy job is irrelevant to whether he will keep in consistent touch with her and put in the time and effort to make plans to see her at least once a week.

[Cimmie]

You don't just ask and indeed there is no reason to ask if your actions are consistent with someone who is not comfortable with casual sex - see my post above for some suggestions. And what you do is you don't have sex for at least a few months of consistent dating - not to play a game but to act consistently with your values. He won't wait around for too long if he wants casual sex. I think it is unfair to ask a new man what you "mean" to him as far as love. Better simply to see how he treats you and that is your answer.

 

^^

This is very very sound advice. The problem will arise, OP, if you con yourself into thinking you really 'love' this man. You can't truly love him on the basis of a single meeting and some flirty texts. But if you are susceptible then he will be able to get you into bed fairly easily, and if he doesn't want to stick around afterwards you'll feel pretty awful. It's happened to me. Much better waiting and sussing out what his intentions are.

[RobustMouse]

Than yes, I will say my infatuation is with him. Believe me, I'm regretting using the word 'love' seeing how technical we've taken it. (My fault though) I feel confident that you all are right and correct in assumptions. I feel better reading all of your posts. What sucks is even after realizing this, I still feel the 'infatuation'

[beauty21]

Coming out and asking him does he just want sex won't do a thing. Cause he will lie to you just to get it. I agree with the others.

[RobustMouse]

I'm not, I'm just going to let it slide and accept what happens with it.