What does this all mean and What can I do about it?

[Royale]

First off I'll apologize twice; for one I know I have issues about this, and again in that I know topics like this are probably done to death, but I am having hardcore irrational hangups about myself and attraction, and maybe you guys could have a clue to help.

 

Now, to start off ever since I've become bodily aware of myself I'd be called ugly. Unfortunately, that's how I first notice myself in the sexual/romantic world of men and women but being told how far down that pole I actually was. The bullies/popular people were always the most upfront about this but I even got hem-haw responses from my friends as well, with those 'everybody's pretty' or 'you're attractive in your own special way' lines. So back then I just assumed I was unnattractive. That was back in middle school, but I think I still carry that mess with me.

 

Fast forwarding to the now, people are nearly as openly mean as the spiteful pre-teens of yesteryear, but I still think myself pretty plain, certainly not classically attractive. Interacting with straight males became trying for me at best; the most I've befriended well are either devout Christians or those I've mistaken for gay ( very poor gaydar), out of fear that they'll be aggravated by my presense when they could be dealing with someone prettier. Which is easy for me because most men ignore me.

 

But every now and again I'll get someone calling me cute, hot, or sometimes make a physical pass at me. But I've rarely have a guy ever show romantic interest in me, that I know of. I not quite sure why this happens, but I've assumed that they think I'm ugly enough to be an easy lay (btw, score for me, virgin still). So I've had a habit of steering clear of these men, and trying to stay back from men in general. This is cute now, but what in the world am I going to do when I want a family/relationship? I've never aim high in goals for men either, but I'm still very hesitant to approach anyone or to believe anyone likes me, no matter how much I try to reason with myself.

 

This post barely make sense. . .basically, how often does a man seek out a less attractive woman for quick sex, and how legit would those other men opinions be? How should a plain/unattractive woman deal with men anyhow? *sigh* How much should I just see a therapist?

[Beec]

I think your self image is probably hurting you more than anything else, and certainly more than you appearance. I also cannot tell you a simple way to change your self-image.

 

However, I think you spending sometime studying how men and women really relate to each other might help a lot.

[Honey Pumpkin]

But every now and again I'll get someone calling me cute, hot, or sometimes make a physical pass at me. But I've rarely have a guy ever show romantic interest in me, that I know of. I not quite sure why this happens, but I've assumed that they think I'm ugly enough to be an easy lay

 

See, this is where I think your problem is - guys are showing an interest, calling you cute and hot, but you're assuming they are just being horrible or trying to trick you. It is about poor self-image and so on.

 

I would suggest working on your self-esteem and self-image - there are some fabulous books around to help with that, and it might be all that you need. Or you might need to talk it through with a professional - are you in a place (school, college) where you have a counsellor you could speak to?

 

What is plain/unattractive in any case? IT's all about how you see yourself and how you see the world - because you assume that you are ugly, you are apologetic and scared, and people react accordingly. If you saw yourself as totally unique and gorgeous, people would react according to that.

 

Have a look at some websites, or let me know if you want me recommend some great self-help books in the first instance.

 

Good luck!

[Beec]

To continue, and I agree with Honey Pumpkin too, a woman who is very attractive can often find herself in romantic difficulties in life, because at a young age she gets lots of attention, much of it is not wanted, and she begins to develop body language that tells many people to stay away, and soon she may be just left alone. I've seen it many times. I've seen two attractive women with similar features walk into a bunch of men, and one gets lots of attention, while the other is left alone. Looks have something to do with the attention women gets, but it's not everything.

 

There are definite things that a person can do to that will result in other people wanting to be near them and some of those people may jsut wnat them.

 

We go for those people who make us feel special, give us emotional fulfillment, while remaining aloof and independent. Yes, emotional fulfillment for many men can come in part from being with a good-looking woman. But not for all men, and not in the same amounts for all men. However, it also comes from a lot of other things, such as jsut having someone who listens to us and seems to enjoy it. The emotional fulfillment and aloof equation really comes down to giving to someone, everyone or anyone, and not looking for them to repay in kind. If a man comes up to you, says something nice to you with the goal of sex, he is not working that equation. He is giving, but with an eye towards getting. If you give and don'tseem to care who gives back and what is given back, soon you may find people really seeking your attention and doing thigns to get it.

[ghost69]

so i guess you went on dates with all of these guys that just wanted sex and you found out? it doesn't sound like you have tried anything. it sounds like you are closing it off because of what you have heard.

[Royale]

Thanks for the responses guys I appreciate it. I know I pretty much have some kind of a complex. I'll find a way over it.

 

so i guess you went on dates with all of these guys that just wanted sex and you found out? it doesn't sound like you have tried anything. it sounds like you are closing it off because of what you have heard.

 

Well, it helps when guys actually tell me they're interested in sex and nothing else, which occurred a couple of times. The first time I've had a reference to this was early highschool, when a guy told me I was sex worthy but little else. That probably affected me a bit, but with the past couple a guys I've talked to/dated seemed to be interested in me physically but wasn't interested in having a relationship (ha, one already being in a real relationship, which is just all kinds of special ). Now admittedly there was a time in between those points where I didn't bother, but hey.

[ghost69]

well, i've never been a guy to flat out tell a woman i just wanted to have sex with her. that is odd in itself. those guys have no morals. and no game. lol. forget those guys. i highly doubt every guy you have met just wanted you for sex though.