Wanting the already taken

[WhiteForest]

Why do people pursue relationships with someone that is already in a relationship with someone else? I just don't get it...I would never do that. Not only does it hurt that persons SO, but it is very unhealthy for themselves also. I just don't understand why people cross that line.

[Hope75]

I guess for some it is the thrill of the chase, the challange of attaining the unattainable.

 

I wonder though, how many people actually think, "wow, he/she's taken- wouldn't be a hoot to see if I can break him/her up?"

 

I would guess sometimes it's deceit on the part of the attached partner, who may pursue someone outside their relationship and tell that person they are unattached, or conveniently leave out the fact that they are supposed to be committed to someone else.

 

I know for myself I would not pursue someone who was taken, no matter how attracted I was to that person. In my book of rules, it's off limits.

[jettison]

Why do people pursue relationships with someone that is already in a relationship with someone else? I just don't get it...I would never do that. Not only does it hurt that persons SO, but it is very unhealthy for themselves also. I just don't understand why people cross that line.

 

When we lust after people we can't have, it's completely safe because you never worry that it will actually work out and that you'll then be forced into responsibility.

 

Plus, both men and women (but especially women) are very attracted to someone who is obviously accepted and desired by other women. It's a genetic thing and it's about picking a superior mate. Ever wonder why, as a man, you get tons of attention when you're spoken for, and you can never do anything about it, but you can't catch the time of day sometimes when you're single? Women like men who are adored by other women.

 

Look at this phenomenon in movies... same actore. In one movie he is shunned by women. You'll like him less. In another movie he is beating them off. You'll be ravenous for him.

[WhiteForest]

I would guess sometimes it's deceit on the part of the attached partner, who may pursue someone outside their relationship and tell that person they are unattached, or conveniently leave out the fact that they are supposed to be committed to someone else.

 

Yes that most definitely happens...in that case it is of course all the attached persons fault.

 

It just bugs me and I guess I just needed to rant...I see it on here, t.v., people I know...](*,)

[WhiteForest]

When we lust after people we can't have, it's completely safe because you never worry that it will actually work out and that you'll then be forced into responsibility.

 

But that's the problem...so what if it feels safe to you (not you personally)? Don't people have any compassion for that persons SO? I don't understand how people can willingly hurt another person like that!

[jettison]

But that's the problem...so what if it feels safe to you (not you personally)? Don't people have any compassion for that persons SO? I don't understand how people can willingly hurt another person like that!

 

 

When people flirt with someone's mate, they sometimes feel comfortable doing it right in front of their partner. Why? Because it's easy to justify it by saying "oh please, I would NEVER ever do anything with this person. They're so off limits!" However, if you keep "joking around" with someone, eventually, it's not a stretch to think that feelings from one side or the other will develop whether you want them to or not. People in relationships are safe for others to practice on. You ususally never know you might be in trouble until it's too late.

[Hope75]

WhiteForest,

 

Have you been a victim of infidelity?

[servedcold]

Why do people pursue relationships with someone that is already in a relationship with someone else? I just don't get it...I would never do that. Not only does it hurt that persons SO, but it is very unhealthy for themselves also. I just don't understand why people cross that line.

 

I will tell you exactly why, at least from a guy's perspective who has been around the block in many relationships. The most frequent lie that single women tell men when meeting in public is "I have a boyfriend." It is completely ubiquitous out there. This is considered a permissible lie, though it is far from a little white lie.

 

IMO, they do this because they want to seem more desirable, want to test a guy they are interested in, actually -want- the drama of -choosing- between several guys, want to screen out creeps, are technically telling the truth but seeking greener grass, want a backup for an existing relationship, etc.

 

After hearing this over and over again when meeting new women and finding out either a) it's not true/just a line, b) their alleged BF is actually a guy they are chasing/have bedded who doesn't want them, c) despite the supposed BF, they are totally willing to do -anything-, when I hear that a woman is in a relationship, if she is out alone at night without the supposed SO, I totally discount her statement. I don't forget it, though, unless it is the 20% of the time it's a totally true statement, because women who rationalize and lie like this are not LTR material. Then they wonder why we leave after a few weeks or months... we never respected them after this kind of lie... flame away.

 

[And furthermore, ask 100 women whether they would rather date a totally single guy or steal a guy from an existing GF, and the 50 who don't lie will admit they would rather steal the guy from an existing GF. The women who say they would rather have the truly single guy are mostly lying or rationalizing. Sorry but the answer to your question is that it's hard wired into the female gender for some reason and most women want it that way.

 

Sure, there are male players out there, but they are in the vast minority. The attitudes I am describing are pretty standard among most women in my experience. I know this reply sounds really sexist, sorry, but this is one case where I think women are far more to blame than men.] [edit: this part of my post was worded in an insensitive way and I apologize for it]

[WhiteForest]

WhiteForest,

 

Have you been a victim of infidelity?

 

In the past yes...but not my current relationship.

[Cimmie]

Ambition.

 

....

[WhiteForest]

Ok so maybe that was a rhetorical question. Nobody will ever actually justify this in my eyes...

[servedcold]

Ambition.

 

 

Cimmie, how dare you beat my verbose screed with a one word answer that avoids sexism entirely!

[Dako]

I think it's the fantasy of rescuing the person from an unappreciative partner, opportunism, a lack of self-esteem bolstered by the attention of a person with much to lose, or just good old stupidity.

 

If a married woman came on to me, I'd set a record for the 100 yard dash.

[fnlyfrei]

I have an ex that never seems to contact me unless he KNOWS I am in a relationship. Hmm, what does that say about him? I think it says he doesn't really want anyone fully...he will take leftovers and seconds. He has huge problems with intimacy and letting anyone get close. If he were with someone completely available...he might have to commit. He thrives off of the challenge of getting the girl away from someone else..but when he HAS the girl...he is an absoloute relationship LOSER. My few cents.

[Cimmie]

Cimmie, how dare you beat my verbose screed with a one word answer that avoids sexism entirely!

 

Ha ha

 

This is true, however. I call it the All About Eve Syndrome.

[annie24]

some of them think they don't deserve better. on another thread, another woman said at least having scraps was better than having nothing at all. (i disagree, by the way.)

 

For some people, it's less of a risk. it's not a real relationship in a sense, so they can't get as "rejected" if they are not the main woman/man.

[CharLit]

Plus, both men and women (but especially women) are very attracted to someone who is obviously accepted and desired by other women. It's a genetic thing and it's about picking a superior mate. Ever wonder why, as a man, you get tons of attention when you're spoken for, and you can never do anything about it, but you can't catch the time of day sometimes when you're single? Women like men who are adored by other women.

 

Why especially women? If it's genetically about picking a superior mate it, surely that goes both ways in equal degrees?

Also, I can assure you that the tons of attention you get when attached is the same for both sexes. I'm guessing it's because you're happy (and thereforeeee good company), and don't have that air of desperation that some people looking for a mate have.

[treefrogkate]

And furthermore, ask 100 women whether they would rather date a totally single guy or steal a guy from an existing GF, and the 50 who don't lie will admit they would rather steal the guy from an existing GF. The women who say they would rather have the truly single guy are mostly lying or rationalizing. Sorry but the answer to your question is that it's hard wired into the female gender for some reason and most women want it that way.

 

Sure, there are male players out there, but they are in the vast minority. The attitudes I am describing are pretty standard among most women in my experience. I know this reply sounds really sexist, sorry, but this is one case where I think women are far more to blame than men.

 

... are you kidding me?!? Double-you Tee Eff, mate.

 

Obviously I'm self-delusional when I say I'd never date someone who was already attached and that I deserve way better than second place any day. Obviously you know me better than I know myself, since, you know, I'm female. BTW, there isn't a rolleyes icon big enough to do my feelings justice here, so is going to have to suffice.

 

Also, it's obviously all womenkind's fault that there are broken marriages and cheaters in this world. Women are obviously "hard-wired" to sleep around and spread our genes as far and wide as possible, right?

 

Honestly, I should be used to it, but it still catches me off-guard seeing the piss-poor attitude some of the guys around here have toward women. And then they complain because they can't find someone to date.

 

Just because your experience is with women of questionable morals doesn't mean that the ENTIRE FEMALE GENDER is a bunch of cheats and liars.

 

Way to make a gross generalization, dude.

[CharLit]

Lovely.

 

a) In my experience "I have a boyfriend/girlfriend"-line as a lie is most frequently used to turn down people who approach you who you aren't interested in. It seems less hurtful than saying "i just don't fancy you"

 

b) Why on earth would a woman who is out alone not have a partner? You're not chained to one another in a relationship

 

c) In all cases of heterosexual cheating a man and a woman are involved. Whether they are the cheater or the "other man/woman" will vary, but I'd say since the male/female distribution is per defnition 50-50, men and women as a whole are equally to blame for deceit.

 

d) I'm curious to hear where you gained your incredible knowledge of womankind, and would be interested in the source of your statistics, too.

[Dako]

Broad generalizations about a gender often stem from one single person with a unique point of view.

[CharLit]

Sorry WhiteForest, I should have had the courtesy to respond to you first on YOUR thread, i got a bit distracted by other posts

 

...but to answer you, I have no idea...

 

The pattern I have seen most frequently though, is:

 

- cheater is already unhappy in his/her original relationship but doesn't have the guts or the decency to end the relationship before starting a new one

- cheater meets new person and cries on their shoulder about their miserable relationship and horrible partner

- new person takes their word for it, and since the horrible partner is so horrible doesn't really have to worry about their feelings

 

But there are a billion other stories. Another often-heard explanation from the "other man/woman" is that they never thought they would go after someone else's partner in a billion years, but then they just fell head over heels in love....

 

I shouldn't really judge because I haven't been in the position, but I find myself being fairly disgusted by both sides of the affair... as you say: how can you do that to another person? How can you have so little self-control? Why would you want to be with someone you KNOW is a cheater?

 

I don't get it either.

[renaissancewoman101]

Sometimes the already taken is the one that goes seeking a new person, a new relationship. thereforeeee, don't always blame the lady or the guy who is with the already taken person.

 

I've seen that happen with people.

[Cimmie]

'My wife doesn't understand me'

 

or variations thereon.

[Dako]

LOL!

 

"We're on the skids and getting a divorce."

"We're together for the kids, but it's not working."

" It's a religious thing that we stay tgether.

"She's mentally ill and I just take care of her, due to my kind nature.

[annie24]

LOL!

 

"We're on the skids and getting a divorce."

"We're together for the kids, but it's not working."

" It's a religious thing that we stay tgether.

"She's mentally ill and I just take care of her, due to my kind nature.

 

"We never ever ever have sex. I only had sex with her that one time, on her birthday, to make her feel better, and now she's pregnant. what are the odds?"

 

(yes, a true story!)