Paternity Advice

[2today]

My husband has children from previous marriage. The last child, he never signed the birth certificate and never thought the child was his, but she got his last name because they were not divorced at that time. They were separated at the time of birth. Since he already had one child, she automatically made him feel guilty about not believeing this child was his. She would then send both of the kids on the weekends.

 

So he neglected to pay child support due to anger about this second child and also because he helped out with cash and She told him she would take him off. (He ended up owing back child support) He also helped physically with daycare and aftercare issues, which is not required by law.

 

She has made our lives a living hell, by being difficult as possible with every issue, even the weekends. The child probably knows about the paternity issue, because she becomes irate when it is brought up, so I'm sure she has overheard. We are going to do a paternity test, I think its a 50/50 chance. The child has none of his features, not even personality.

 

Q.1 If this child is not his, how soon should he tell the ex to move on with her life and find the real father and allow him to have closure with this issue and be a father to the rest of his biological kids? Should we do this together?

 

Q.2 Should he tell the mother that he cannot help her raise that child, and the real father should? Because he hasn't been stable financially or emotionally.

 

 

This issue has haunted him for the last several years and we need closure, before he has a nervous breakdown. She makes fatherhood and step-parenting a living hell.

[jengh]

does he really want to cut this child out of his life? you said 'several years' so i get the impression the child is a bit older.. this child probably looks at your husband as their father... regardless of the outcome, your husband doesn't look to this kid as his child?

[2today]

Her mother has told her that this is her father and she has his last name. He does not believe in his heart that she is. He always remembers his other children's birth except for her's. Why would a mother lie?

[BornToResist]

How old is the child?

 

Where are you located? US?

 

I think sometimes after a couple of years of being on the birth certificate, you are automatically presumed the father...I'm not sure about your area though.

 

What a sticky situation to be involved in.

[annie24]

i would suggest he gets a paternity test so that he will know for sure. if the child is his, he needs to step up and not take his anger with his ex wife out onto the children.

 

Q.1 If this child is not his, how soon should he tell the ex to move on with her life and find the real father and allow him to have closure with this issue and be a father to the rest of his biological kids? Should we do this together?

 

Q.2 Should he tell the mother that he cannot help her raise that child, and the real father should? Because he hasn't been stable financially or emotionally.

 

regardless if the last kid is his or not, he still has kids with his ex wife, so he can't tell her to "move on" - they have children together! and that child is still a sibling to his other kids, so it isn't fair to say, "no, we are only taking our BIOLOGICAL children to the fair today." i think everyone needs to have more sympathy for this child.

[Scout]

regardless if the last kid is his or not, he still has kids with his ex wife, so he can't tell her to "move on" - they have children together! and that child is still a sibling to his other kids, so it isn't fair to say, "no, we are only taking our BIOLOGICAL children to the fair today." i think everyone needs to have more sympathy for this child.

 

I completely agree. And it definitely seems like this child is paying a price for the anger involved here, even though she had nothing to do with creating the situations the adults are in.

[swtbtrflydreams]

Regardless if the child is his or not the kids has been brought up to believe that he is her dad. Can you imagine the pain and hurt if the kids ends up not being his and he takes her/hi brothers and sister for the weekend and she is used to going but cant. Why punish the child that way?

[jdtx]

If he thought the kid wasn't his, why didn't he opt for a paternity test asap? Why wait years? As much as I can understand and sympathize with him for not wanting to be "on the hook" for a child resulting from his ex's infidelity (or whatever the situation was) ..this is something that should have been settled a long time ago, very early on.

 

Now that the kid is however many years old, now that her role in the family is pretty established, it would be kind of cruel to turn his back on her. But then ..I guess his back has always been turned to her hasn't it? What if it turns out he IS her father? Then he will, or should, feel like quite a jerk for being like that to his kid. Maybe she will resent him for it. If he is not the father, then I guess he could (maybe) get unhooked from her, but it still sucks for her. It would be one thing if she had been raised knowing she had a different dad from her sibling. But to let years go by and then spring it on her ...

 

It was an ugly mess to begin with (as divorce + kids tends to be), but I think it's been made worse than it had to be by letting this questionable situation go on so long unsettled. But still, better to get it straight now than wait another x-years.

 

I can't tell you if he should continue to be a father to this girl (or start for that matter). Most people would consider it unethical to officially drop her this late in the game, regardless of paternity. Considering he has actively avoided getting attached to her, I'm sure he'd have no problem dropping her if it's determined that she isn't his.

 

How it would affect her, I don't know. You mentioned that she has suspicions about this. Maybe it could provide some closure for her too. Considering how he treats her, I'm not sure I'd expect her to be too broken up over the news either (not that it would be something to be thrilled about though, because then it brings up the question of who IS her dad). Is it known who the other possible father is? Anyway I don't suppose that would have to be your family's concern unless you want it to be.

[JoL]

Why has he decided to have the paternity test done now, why not all those years ago?

[avman]

I'm not sure where you live, but I'll assume you in the US. If you aren't, this advice may not apply to you.

 

It is unfortunate he waited to get a paternity test. Because since he was married to the mother at the time the child is born he is what they call the "presumed father". That means he's automatically on the hook to support this child regardless of what the birth certificate states.

 

If a married father has doubts about the paternity of a child he has only a limited amount of time to do something about it. That time limit varies from state to state but none of them permit several years to pass. Once that time limit is over it's too late for him to get out of his obligations.

 

Now, legal issues aside - this child considers him to be their father. He/she really doesn't care what a paternity test shows. It's not the child's fault they were born into this situation. So as a responsible adult he needs to shield this child from all the garbage going on around them.

[RayKay]

I feel sorry for this kid, whom has grown up believing he is the father (and he may very well be) while he denies it yet never bothered with a test.

 

My father did this to my youngest sister...he left when my mother was 7 months pregnant (to be with his latest mistress) with my sister, and denied, denied, denied she was his child. Well she was. Yet he still transferred his own issues onto this child and denied she was his. My mother NEVER cheated...he was the cheat. She is most definitely his.

 

Anyway, maybe the child is not biologically his, but she has grown up believing he is and I cannot imagine how painful it is for her to hear her being denied as his child. Actually, yes I can...my sister went through it. I am sorry but that is TERRIBLY cruel to do to her on both your parts. She is a child and had no choice to be involved in this matter. You as adults do, and he should of gotten the test YEARS ago if he was in doubt. Sounds like he maybe knows that it is his child, so never went through with the test....to be honest. As he does not want to be proved wrong.

 

At this stage, given she is older, I really think depending on where you are it does not matter, as he stands as the presumed father or father in locus parentis at this stage. But if getting a test would at least resolve the continuing doubt...let it be done. Just I don't think that it would be fair to suddenlty deny this child whom has grown up believing him to be her father if it turns out she is not his.