Long. Complicated. Heartbreaking. Please help me.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

I'll try and keep this to a minimum kind of length.

 

Essentially..argh.

 

OK.

 

So. I have been with my boyfriend for over 1.5 years. I'd say we have a good relationship, and love each other. I'm 19, he is 22.

 

He finished his degree long ago, and I've been attending college for the past 2years, final exams coming up. Right from the beginning of college, one of the friends I'd go on to make - I'll refer to her as Sonia - was hitting on me. ALL the time.

 

To understand this further....its a clingy, affectionate group of friends. It isn't at all uncommon, even now, for us to hold hands when we're going about the place, hug loads, kiss each other on the cheek, sometimes smacker-on-the-mouth type kisses. It has always been like that, for nearly two years.

 

Anyway, Sonia....well, I knew she was very very into me. She told me that first week, and tried to stick her tongue down my throat at a concert event. I told her I'd just gotten together with my boyfriend, so I wasn't available.

 

She seemed to back off a bit.

 

But then...I don't know when it really started again. She was always hanging onto me, but in a more affectionate than SEXUAL way, y'know? And because she did it to most people, I wasn't too bothered. She kissed my cheek a lot...well, it didn't seem a big deal. I don't even really remember it. I'd even tell my boyfriend how clingy she was. My mom found it amusing.

 

I don't recall how often she did give me a smacker-on-the-mouth type kiss, it was usually 1-2 seconds and I didn't see it (them..I cant really remember...god how awful is that..) coming...

 

But where I KNOW things were wrong is when we kissed twice in the same afternoon. Not even with tongues, but longer than those "mwah type" kisses...I THINK I initiated one. I don't know. I THINK I ended both..but this is it..i am not sure of ANYTHING.

 

I do know that at the end of March I told her that the dynamic between us would have to change, that I wasn't leaving my boyfriend for her, ever, no matter how much she was in love with me.

 

She was upset but seemed to get over it.

 

So....April began. Nothing else "happened". I don't remember feeling bad.

How awful...i didn't feel bad. I just stopped it and moved on.

 

Now...into May..a whole MONTH later, THEN I start, randomly, feeling guilty. Yes, randomly. I have lost 11lbs in a month because I couldn't sleep, eat properly, etc.

 

I KNOW I didn't even make out with this girl, didn't go on a date with her, etc, looking back I'm not sure it was even sexual, it was more like she wanted affection etc off me and (sorry for arrogance) just idolized me, and I gave in after a year of being (literally) followed around, almost DAILY.

 

We are still friends, and there isnt any awkwardness.

 

I talked to the following people about it:

 

Sonia herself - she said I shouldnt feel guilty, it was all her fault, nothing really happened, no point in telling my boyfriend.

 

My friends - told me that honestly we were both a bit to blame, but it wasnt too serious, no point telling boyfriend.

 

My mom - pointed out that my boyfriend wasn't too good for me anyway, that she'd known how much Sonia followed me around, it wasn't too serious, at 19 I'm bound to experience such trauma, forget it and move on

 

My boyfriend - heres the interesting one - when I was first confessing, I think I convinced myself SHE intiated all the kisses, although I didn't know how many, and I was desperately sorry, and me and Sonia were too close for about 3 weeks, but I told her to leave off. I told him that and it was/is all true, but later I realised I was duping myself..it WAS me who initiated some of it. I took more blame than I thought. SO..went back to boyfriend, told him all this, and that I'd remembered it was my fault...etc.

 

He doesn't believe me. I've ended up yelling, YELLING..."Look, I DID it. I'm CONFESSING. It WAS me. It WAS my fault. I'M A CHEATING...etc. IF you choose not to believe it, YOUR perogative, but I'm not going on with this with you thinking I did nothing, COS I DID".

 

His response? "Whether you did or you didn't its in the past...honey please just forget about it".

 

How can I? I'm convinced I kissed this girl, ME-intiating, a couple of times, and I don't remember how many times she mwah'ed me on the mouth.

 

He has firmly asserted he has taken the choice to not believe me, and he thinks I'm just working myself up into a state (well that bit is true, but to me, it is valid), and just wants to move on.

 

How can I move on? I feel sick every morning, images of her trying to kiss me float in and out of my head.

 

I'm Emily, I'm guilty, it was 2 months ago....

 

If I've made a sincere effort to get him to believe me (and I really have) and he chooses not to, should I just thank my lucky stars and move on, cos it wasn't that bad anyway and I don't remember it?

 

Or is it possible he DOES believe me and has just opted for the solution of "not believing me" and saving his pride (because he always said he'd dump me for kissing someone else?)

 

He made a joke the other week about him being a "nice boy because he'd forgiven me kissing another girl".

 

SIDENOTES

I am an out-and-out bisexual.

Predictably, this took place when my boyfriend and I were not having the best of times. Things are better now.

 

Most people think I should get over it and get some help again (have been in and out of therapy a lot).

 

But I DID do it..I did...I did...

help me

 

how do I live with myself?

[Mavis VDSande]

Do you feel slightly bothered that your bf isn't taking the fact that you are bi seriously. If you kissed a guy - would he get really mad? But the fact that you kissed a girl - to him it's not as serious? Obviously because you are bi - it is serious, because you believe in forming romantic rels with both men and women, but the fact that he's not that seemingly bothered kinda tramples on your feelings as a person and what you believe in.

 

What I mean is, you're in a place right now where you can decide to move on from this event. But something is bugging you - maybe it's your bf's cool reaction. Perhaps it's not the reaction itself but the lack of recognition of your sexuality. If you move on from this, do you feel like you have chosen to accept him over her, so in a sense accepting your preference for one sex, over the other? Also are you worried because you feel that you don't see eye-to-eye on this issue with your bf?

 

Just some of my thoughts!

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Ah..THATS a different angle on it!

 

I always thought he did take my bisexuality seriously. I think he'd take it as seriously if it was a boy; but perhaps..I don't know. He has expressed worries I'll leave him for a woman one day, so I think he takes my sexuality seriously.

 

thank you for raising the point though..

 

I think whats bothering me is that if he doesnt believe me, hes going on with this relationship under false pretences (ie, that ive been faithful), and THATS what bothers me. however, if i have given him the information (which i have), is it his choice as to how he reacts?

[Mavis VDSande]

No worries - apologies if it sounded quite grr - I didn't mean it too - it was just my first thought on reading your post!

 

Yeah - I agree - if you feel that you have been unfaithful and he's pretty cool about it then you're probably trying to figure out whether

 

a) you both see eye to eye on the matter - e.g would he feel he was unfaithful if a close female friend kissed him on the lips, or male friend for that matter in the same situation you've come out of?

 

b) why he doesn't believe you? Is he in denial? Perhaps he just wants to forget about it and move on - in which case perhaps you should forgive yourself and move on too?

 

I guess you'd need to speak with him about this to understand whether he doesn't see it as being unfaithful, or whether he does, but he loves you so much he wants to move forward in your rels, rather than dwell on it.

 

Also he may have said in the past that he'd dump you if you kissed someone else, but when something like this happens you're true reactions come out, maybe he doesn't want to let go of you and he understands that all this happened during your bad patch.

 

Don't beat yourself up over it too much!

[Honey Pumpkin]

But where I KNOW things were wrong is when we kissed twice in the same afternoon. Not even with tongues, but longer than those "mwah type" kisses...I THINK I initiated one. I don't know. I THINK I ended both..but this is it..i am not sure of ANYTHING.

 

Gotta be honest, it doesn't sound like a big deal - you weren't snogging or feeling each other up. I can understand your boyfriend's reaction, to be honest.

 

Why do you feel so bad though? Hmmm. Couple of thoughts/suggestions:

 

You want him to recognise your bisexuality

You fancied the girl and wanted it to go further (now guilt?)

You want a bit of drama with your boyfriend - I've done that when I was younger, kind of spice things up a bit without even realising that I'm doing it

You want out of the relationship

You want the relationship to be 'perfect', and now you think it's not you're running scared

 

I don't know, these are just a few random thoughts. But sometimes if we look deep into ourselves, our motives do become clearer.

 

But I don't think you have to feel guilty AT ALL!

[annie24]

hi - i don't think you did anything wrong. ok, you could have reacted more violently and shoved Sonia away when she was hanging on you, but I guess that would have been rude and made things worse. anyways, if your boyfriend isn't worried, I don't think you should be either.

 

It sounds like you've spent many hours reconstructing the scenario in your head and now you have *convinced yourself* you did something wrong. when in fact, you were probably, at the time, just kind of stunned and didn't know how to react.

 

I know you can be hard on yourself at times, and I think this is one of those times. And I think mavis has a point, since your bf knows that the people in your group of friends kiss each other hello and good bye, I guess he is not so concerned.

 

hugs, hang in there.

[Locke2121]

Simple...if your SO doesn't mind...then how can you call it cheating???? In my mind, cheating is taking affection from a relationship, either emotional or physical, and giving it to someone else without the knowledge and consent of your SO.

 

He knows...and he doesn't care, and as long as he knows...you haven't hurt him. Take his lead....move on!

[illusionglimps]

Hey. I think taht you're exageratuiing with this,you're consuming yourself too much instead of really doing somethign to solve it.You think "I did it,I'm guilty".Look ,you did it but now it's time to repar things.You started reparign them: you told your bf.You've been honest with him and that is very important.I don't think you thought at it as cheating at those moments.It was a unconscious thing that you did.You need to control your behaviour and be careful it won't happen again.Your bf knows about it and has forgiven you,no matter how he tried to get over it(even denying it).Boys are like that sometimes ,you need to make sure he wasn't very hurt about it and that he really really trusts you liek before altough when you ask him he says he does.reassure him that what you did wasn't something you wanted and prove him taht you love him and *only* him.Focus on your relationship and how to make it better.Forget about that girl and just move on !You love your bf,he loves you!Hold on on what you have cause it's precious.Good luck on what you'll do