Advice on seperation/divorce

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Sometimes people behave this way when they want someone else to take responsbility for the breakup, i.e., she doesn't want to be seen in her parents eyes or by others as the one who walked out.

 

It also may be that she doesn't really want to be married, but doesn't want to lower her standard of living, and in essense is using you as a meal ticket while she goes out and 'finds' herself.

 

The third possibility is she is having an affair, and her late nights are not being spent with co-workers of friends, but another man.

 

Next time she asks you to take the kids, agree you will, but she can't be part of the package (i.e., you get custody of the kids, and she gets visitation).

 

If she truly wants to go back to being a kid again and staying out all night with other people, then she should NOT have custody of the kids, nor should she have the right to treat you like you are an indulgent parent rather than her husband.

 

to answer your question, she probably takes her ring on or off, based on her mood, or else she knows it bothers you, and is doing it on purpose to get to you. either way is not how a wife should behave.

 

i'm sorry if she won't work on it with you, but your best bet now is to shift into thinking about your children's welfare and their stability. It sounds like you might want to try for custody too, if she is out drinking and running around. Maybe that will wake her up...

[benga]

This is fantastic!! I think you have captured it! I can relate everything you have said to my situation. Most often, the dumpers will not want to take responsibility. Naturally ending a relationship or a marriage is a big step and "passing the buck" is one natural step after leaving us to dry!!

 

A big thumbs up!! Great post.

[JAG313]

Update-

 

Things have been quite cordial around the house as they always have really. No in depth discussion of our situation as current finances and a concern over her job will prevent us from even a seperation right now if we want to be smart from a financial stand point.

 

THEN, two nights ago she comes home from work, gets in bed and begins to be quite loving towards me, no sex but it's close. THEN, last night she gets home, gets in bed and we have sex. I'm thinking I might be seeing somewhat of a turn out of our downward spiral but when I get home from work shes actually MAD at me about it, even though she instigated it and suggests sleeping in separate bedrooms. Also, apparently my youngest mentioned something to the effect that she felt my wife didnt seem as interested in her family anymore and I got blamed for that too. WHAT GIVES???

 

-Back to her stating she wants a divorce and treating me like a doormat I suppose. God I wish I could read her mind.

[bluesman]

Anyone out there had lasting success after a short seperation period?

 

We were separated for a couple of months 5 years ago. I got her to agree to counseling. We got back together. Now 5 years later she filed for divorce. I'm just a sample of 1 but I thought we recovered from the separation, benefitted from the counseling and were perhaps closer/better together than before, but now it appears it was just a bandaid and that I should have cut my losses when it happened the first time. Apparrently I just convinced her to get back with me when her heart was never really in it and eventually it surfaced.

[JAG313]

Just not sure what to do. I got laid off the same day she told me she wanted a divorce. Then, I started a new job and it's going well but slow and I was fixing the house up to sell. Now, her employment is rocky and her income may be severly cut in the fall. It seems that looming financial situations are keeping us from seperating, unless we want to add bankruptcy to the mix which I'm not willing to do.

 

We laugh together, have great conversations, spend more time together and with the kids then before this all happened but theres no intimate connection on her part. Due to the above, I do still hope this can somehow be saved.

 

The real question is going to come when larger checks start rolling in from my new job. Do I stay, or do I go? Do I state that she should leave since she works nights and weekends anyway? What to do. I know if it wasn't for our possible financial down turn she would have insited that I leave at that time.

 

Is she now having second thoughts or am I just a temporary meal ticket?

[aurora1475]

I say * * * for tat. It may seem like a childish response at first but could have benefits. She hit you while you were down. She's partying, not wearing her ring. She's almost 40 yrs old. Make her grow up. With or without you. Fight for the house and kids. She's toying with your emotions. She doesn't even know what she feels, let alone knows how to help you know how she feels. (hope that makes sense) I would tell her to get herself straight, and either work on things or you need to move on. I am presently in a similar sticky situation. I think the reason most people stay together, is out of habit and fear. My husband and I don't argue often, but when we do, we do. And even though nothings been settled, its as if nothing ever happened to begin with. grrrrrr. Its time to step up, or step out. You've been through hell, and need to weigh your own priorities. Make a pros and cons list. YOU are NOT responsible for her. She is a grown woman, married, with two kids. Children know things when we think they are clueless. They are little emotional sponges. Were you affectionate before? If you aren't now, surely they've taken a notice that mommy and daddy don't hug or kiss, or even touch anymore. Just my two cents, take it for what its worth...which isn't much.

But I hope it helps somehow. If nothing more than to make you laugh. :splat:

[Dissed]

Sorry but after the crap thats happened in my life I can't help but think that there may be someone else involved.

 

You say you don't see how she could have time to have an affair but then you have said that she stayed out to 5 in the morning.

 

Does she stay out often with her younger friends "partying".

 

I think you are being far to trustful of her.

 

It may be that my bad experiences have tarnished my opinion but that "I love you but am not in love with you" is way so common after an affair that it makes me very suspicious.

 

I really hope it all works out for you - Good Luck

[aurora1475]

No time? Does she work in a bar? And only wears her ring when the mood strikes her..hmm. If she does work in a bar, she doesn't need 'time'. Thats her place, her comfort zone. Do you ever go to where she works? I'm sure someone there knows whats going on..whether it be friend, coworker, or a man you don't know about. She could just be having him come there. No need to go anywhere else. Also, (from what I've read) you haven't said anything negative...have you considered showing her your posts on here? Maybe if she sees them she will realize how hard you are trying. She may be a little upset that you have aired things to strangers online, but we don't know who you really are, and you were willing to try almost anything to save your marriage, and stay with her because you love her so much. But you know her and the situation better than any of us, so what you do and how you do it is solely up to you. I just hope the two of you can come to some sort of agreement and live happily...together or not. Good luck

[JAG313]

Well, I found out today shes been having a full blown affair starting about 6/17/07. Shell be moving out within the next few days. Im keeping the house and the kids. Thanks for all your support.

[tgt]

Sorry JAG313, remember you are not alone.

[just M.E.]

Jag, tough go, sorry, I understand though, all those attacks could have been just to justify in her mind her bad behavior, she didn't have the strength of character to do this with honor, she skipped out the easy way, sure does bite.

 

I am so sorry for you and your children, and I am glad your children have you.

[radioheader]

yes..you are not alone...so sorry and take care of yourself and your kiddos...they are gonna need you and your stability b/c mom sure can't provide it...she is only into herself right now...

[JAG313]

Well, now that I've gotten over the shock of it which I think I just passed through tonight; I'm going through quite a few different emotions. I hate her, I love her, I would take her back, I could never take her back etc. I guess thats just the way these things work themselves out. However, for an update:

 

She moved out 1 day after my discovery, rented an appartment on a short term lease in-case we should reconcile (I held my tongue and said nothing on this).

The appartment was infested with roaches and they had to move her into the model appartment for about a week.

She is now in another appartment (same complex which she can barely afford) and has now furnished (which she cant afford).

I did help her move as the kids do need a place to see their mother and I have remained very cordial mainly due to the fact we have children.

 

This week she has been very depressed and has called me often. She is starting to feel the impact of this so to speak and tells me almost daily that she loves me (can you believe it). Again, I've held my tongue.

 

Then, last night she gets pulled over on her way home from work and gets a DUI and spends the night in jail (KARMA) and misses my sons football game which she had promissed him she would be at.

 

Anyway, tomorrow we are both taking the kids to the state fair together, doing dinner together at her place and the kids will spend the night there. This of course is not typical but the kids are not doing well with this, especially my son who is ADD and suffers some depression problems already. He has already told her he does not wish to spend the night at her place as he should not have to go see his mother, she should be at home where she belongs (DOH). This if course is from a 10 yr old.

 

Well, I think before all this is through I'll have enough to write a book or movie from (LOL). I've also lost nearly 50 lbs even though I already spent too much time in the gym and looked fine, I look GREAT now. Upsides to everything I guess.

 

I'll keep yall posted. Thanks for all the support!

[cweathersby]

Man..well Jag, I wish you the best..Im separated as I type this(3 months) and she said about the same..she doesnt know if she can trust/forgive me for what I did, is ok with her life now, etc..so just today, I went to go look at some suits(tip from my step-dad).

 

I just happen to mention the reason for me shopping, and the slaes guy was also in the EXACT same situation. He was separated for about a yr, and said that the best thing for anyone to do is to worry about themselves, and kids if you have them..usually the other person will see the "light" and try to work on it..but at least the ball is in your court and you're somewhat moved on from it, so you have a clearer view..

 

Anyways, just said a quick prayer for ya..take care

[JAG313]

Well, it's been awhile since I last posted so I thought I'd update. I'm still married but not due to my lack of wanting this to be over and done with. The soon to be ex has dug a rather deep hole for herself financially and add to that my iffy financial situation it's made debt division and support orders difficult to finalize BUT....

 

I have been dating a bit, just to get the feel of it and to find the best way to go about it in ones 30s and all Ive got to say is WOW. I was amazed at what I had been missing. I can actually have a conversation with someone for hours and not discuss what drunk threw up on themselves at the bar the night before! I no longer see my soon to be ex in the same light AT ALL and do feel I have moved on completely emotionally. ALSO, I have just recently met and amazing woman, beautiful, intelligent, also a single parent so she understands what thats like. I look as good or better than I did at 21 and feel better too (this helps). Anyway, not sure if this will turn into something but who knows.

 

But heres the kicker! My wife ran around on me, hit me with the want for divorce on the day I lost my job, has given me NO child support while Ive been unemployed and treated me like dirt we no thought to me or the kids! This month however Ive managed to broker a rather large business deal and my commissions/fees have made me financially independent for life about 3 times over. Not to mention meeting an INCREDIBLE woman, not to mention beautiful! The soon to be ex doesnt know about the money yet and funds will remain in escrow with no tie to me until I'm divorced. Life is looking MUCH better.

 

Had to update everyone. And to all going through it, keep your head up for it WILL pass. Just try to find the positive in it all, it's out there.

[cweathersby]

I'm glad to hear you're doing good..Right now I'm unemployed(laid off) and probably gonna lose my apt. In all this, I can count on 1 hand how many ppl have been there for me..and she's not one of them...Now I know to let her go, and a couple of other ppl also.