Hazyillusions

It ing sucks that you were somebody I actually had thoughts of settling down with. The realisation that that won't be happening eats me up inside. I love you B.

The shutting down, frequent defensive and at times emotionally abusive behaviour did hurt me. Your spiteful tendencies and pride have left my heart raw. But. I absolutely loved you. I did. And that knowledge makes me feel like lead. That's a heart thing though. You weren't the right guy for me.

I know it's only been 3 days since I last saw you, but it feels weird not speaking to you the way we used to. I miss you so much the overwhelming sadness just keeps building in my chest.

You feel more a stranger to me these days. The distance between us is palpable.

Even though we're still together, the times I spend with you these days mostly end with unease. I'm still trying to accept that ultimately you weren't the right guy for me, but it doesn't change how much I wanted you to be. I wanted something with you. So badly. So I guess the loss of our potential and the thought of never seeing you again is what gets me down the most.

So you're not my ex yet but since this is the only thread that deals with messages to someone, i'm just going to post it here. You msged me this morning; 3 txts. I've yet to read, or reply to them. It's 9:11pm right now. Been thinking of you all day and really miss you. It sucks things are so weird these days. When I don't see you, I miss you and anticipate seeing your face. But when you're in front of me, both of us don't know how to act or what to say. Maybe distance is just what we need.

Soon you'll most likely be an ex, so I guess I have to start preparing myself. All this planning for a trip should excite me but it just fills me with indescribable mixed churning feelings. These days both of us hold back so much, I don't know what to say to you nor you me. I can see you're conflicted. But I guess it'll be goodbye soon. Even though you were far from perfect, ultimately regardless of your incredible stubbornness, huge inflexible ego, tendency to shut down and be a thoughtless jerk sometimes, I truly loved you. We were great together. Once upon a time.

Today it occurred to me that I might be finally over you. I'll always think of you fondly E. And will always love you in some way.

Haha some guys can be fools. *risque.

I guess it may be true that I may never get over you.

I'm still trying to let you go. Maybe I'll have to be resigned to the fact I may never really do that.

Bye C. Thanks for everything through the years.

I don't exactly know what it is that I seem to hold on to.

There hasn't been a day since our breakup so long ago where I haven't thought of you. The thoughts are momentary now, but they still pop up. Holy sh

I was watching Paper Towns yesterday and the ending made me think of you.

I miss you.

I've had 3 guys insist upon a date in the last 3 days but all that just made me feel even more low. Right now it's Netflix till dawn, then some sleep. See. Even though I know I can't be with you because of our issues, that doesn't stop me missing you. P.S the card moved me.

I got the card/letter.

I just had flashes of you wildly twirling me around. You crinkling your nose as I kiss your cheek. You staring at me intensely in the dark. You smiling that amazing dimpled smile. You chuckling and aggravating me. You holding me in your arms. I thought of you.

I wanted a future with you. But what's love when we're missing trust? I miss you.

I wish you saw it from my point of view instead of making me out to be the bad guy in all this. This is hard.

I didn't make the decision tonight bc i didn't love you. It was never about my feelings Ben. I'm crazy about you.

Even after all this time, I still think about you and get sad. Guess I wish you would've replied. Just been wondering how you were. Yeah. I know. I'm clearly a thing of the past. Too bad for me, you're still somebody I haven't yet gotten over. I love B. I really love him, and have for many months now but. You're still there. In my thoughts. In my dreams. I just wished I could get completely passed you.

I'm scared that I may never truly get over you. It's been 2 years and nearly one month now. Fark.

I dreamt about you last night. It was so vivid and in it, I remember crying.