Hazyillusions

Just watched Dear John. That movie struck a nerve. Wherever you are right now, I do truly hope you're happy. Guess it's going to take me a few more months to get over you. That's okay, one step at a time I guess.

Hope you had a great birthday yesterday. I just wanted to wish you a good one (hence the brief email), there were no hidden agendas whatsoever. I've blocked you weeks ago anyway, so it doesn't matter on whether you respond or not-that's not the point. I did it for me. There's no turning back. "There are some lives you live and some you leave behind"

I love you. I'm still in love with you. Nearly 10 months later I'm still emotionally attached to you. I miss you E.

You're nothing to me until you're everything. Now that you've become everything, I'm screwed.

It's exactly 9 months since the breakup. 9 months since I last heard your voice and felt your touch. I still haven't let you go. I miss you.

It's your bday in nearly a month. We haven't spoken in 8 and a half months, but I will be sending you an email. No hidden agendas behind it. I care about you and will only be doing it cos I want to. Don't worry.

I miss you so much.

When will I be able to go 6 hours without u crossing my mind? I keep trying and trying and trying...I'm stuck in a maze and there's no way of escaping. I just want to let you go. I need to let u go. How can I let go? Please God. Help me.

I'm trying my best to stop missing you, it's just really not working.

I miss you terribly. But it's ok. I'm feeling ok. I'm bloody fantastic.

I hope u have a good Valentines.

Why can't I fcking let u go? What the hell is wrong with me?

I miss you.

Hey Don't know why I'm writing this. I guess a big part of me is still struggling-I still have these feelings for you. I wish I didn't. Wouldn't it be wonderful if I can think of you and feel only good positive emotions. I wish it wasn't so hard. You know, there hasn't been a day that goes by where I haven't thought back to things. It's on constant playback. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder and also out of sight out of mind, but frankly I don't agree with either. My feelings for you haven't increased; they simply stayed the same. Not that it was a small bit of course. It was enough to know that a tiny part of me died when you left. When I go through everything in my head, and dissect every aspect of what 'was' and no longer is, I feel slightly numb. I'm moving on relatively well, but the task of letting you go from my heart is proving a difficult thing to tackle. I see you in my dreams and it's lovely. But it's not real.

I managed to start and finish "The Fault In Our Stars." The book was absolutely...gut wrenching. Augustus reminds me so much of you... It's unnerving. Minus the cancer of course. He even sounds like he resembles you physically, apart from the hair. "You don't get to choose if you get hurt in this world, but you do get a say in who hurts you." I don't regret getting with you despite knowing you had to leave to eventually. I really don't. And even though we are ten thousand miles away from each other, it doesn't matter. I'm glad that I got to fall in love with somebody like you. The next one has really got big shoes to fill.

I just ripped up one of the things that reminded me of a particularly memorable day-the reminder of a milestone in our old relationship. Flushed it down the toilet. Progress.

There's this guy I'm interested in, who's been very hot and cold with me. Then there's you whom I think about too much, but I try to distract myself not to think about you. I'm disappointed with him. I'm depressed about you. I miss you E. I started thinking about the last time I saw you. We cried and hugged each other. I gave you a long kiss and after ages (cos I had to get to work) walked away. I turned around and saw you while you headed onto the Ferry. That made me really upset. Urgh it shouldn't be this hard damn it.

E, I just really miss you. Distraction only lasts so long.

I don't want to love you anymore.

I ws feeling good for a whole week. But last night I dreamt about you. Stop popping up in my dreams.

I can only distract my thoughts for so long. I don't know what to do E. How am I supposed to stop feeling for you? I love you.

Remember the last night we saw each other? How we both held each other and cried. In the darkness, by the wharf... With the city lights and water shimmering behind us you held me close and stopped holding back. There was a falling star. I wanted to see one for years and it was ironic it happened that night. You said you'd always wanted to see one too. We smiled sadly at one another. That whole night remains firmly imprinted in my memories.

I'm so God damn picky.

Nevermind ---- New year. No more moping.

How many times do I have to tell myself to say goodbye to really meant it? I still feel alittle tortured.