February

Hey Guys. Ya konw GeeCee, I feel bad b/c I totally saw your side to things too and I kinda made the same mistake, but I see now our experts were right on this one. I don't think it's a lost cause, but now that he knows you love him, he has full reign to trample on your emotions again, so make sure you are not around. NO CONTACT in effect again!! As for my situation ya'll. WEll it is pretty sad. But ya know even though I am sad, I realize that I now don't want my ex back. He is not ready for relationship now, and who knows when he will be. I know though I am not going to wait around. He is very selfish and I realize how much so now. So here is what happened with me. REcap quickly, friends with ex for 3 yrs. he got out of a seriosu 4 year thing, miserable relationship, still codependcy, still addiction. He is still not a whole person from that breakup. We got into a relationship and things were like fireworks at first, love, love, love like I never felt before. HE said he was fallign for me, we had tons of fun together and he truly was the closest person to me. Then he started pulling away, I was supportive of his needing space and still things dissolved and ended. Ya see, when he gets overwhelmed by life he shuts down. So many things going on with him, moving, ex still taunting him, family issues, etc. ANyway, I broke the no contact to get my stuff back and say the things I wanted to say that never got a chance to. I know this goes against the cardinal rules laid out by you all, but for my own sanity and to move on I needed to do it. When he got out of work, we chatted on the phone for about 20 minutes as he walked partially home (then cabbed the rest of teh way). Called me when he got to his door and said "hey wanna grab a beer instead" I said that is fine, but I want my stuff first. I went over there, he looked like crap, his place was a wreck. I gace him his b-day card first to gauge his mood. He loved it and hugged me. He wanted to change his shoes so we went into his room, and as he changed his shoes I told him all the things I wanted to say. Guys, I was rational and honest and told him to be friends we needed to resolve our breakup. I told him how he still needs to get over his ex and I realize that now. That he has to give it space and time and aknowledge that he still needs to work through that. I also told him I knew that the first part of our relationship was going to be about alot of things he needed to work thru and I was willling to give him space with that. However I did not expect or appreciate that he was not honest with me and didn't just communicate how he felt - Not wanting to be in a relationship right now. WE talked about other stuff and how much I had cared for him, and he apologized for the way he acted and how we broke up. Then we hugged and went for a beer. Ran into his roomie, who had know idea we broke up and likes me so he said "where ya been, we missed you, etc" Then as we were leaving the roomie asked to come too and my ex said "no man, we need to just hang out, us" So we went for a beer which turned into 3. We chatted about what we missed in each others lives and let me give the clinching highlights: He said he wants to be single and just have the chance to hook up with girls again, he wants to not feel like he has to call or be obgligated to anyone. He wants to just think of himself for awhile and figure out what he wants in life. he also said he hopes I am over him so we can be friends again and that he hopes I wouldn;t be upset if I saw him waling down the street with another girl. Now I am not sure if you all would or wouldn't be proud of me and my responoses: I said. I think that is great he wants to find himslef, meet girls, hook up etc. I know how long it has been for him. Also said that I am over him b/c truthfully I realised that anyone who could act so cowardly is not someone I would ever want to really be with for the loong haul. I also said that of course I wouldn;t be weird if I saw him with someone else b/c I am not a jealous person and I know how special our relationship and friendship is/was and other relationships he has will be different and not compare, all are unique and I wouldn't feel like that took away from our relationship. Oh we also talked about his relationship with his ex, and although I don;t think he is completely over it, I don;t think they will ever get back together-she has moved on too and jas a new bf. So guys, we talked and chatted more, he asked if I was dating I said I had one date (I did it was terrible) and I was honest with him about it. I said though I am excited to be single again too (it had been 3 years for me) and so it was all good. We left he offered to walk me down my block, but I declined and we hugged, my end was weak and he said "let's talk tmrw." Now, guys, as I said I do not want him back, not sure i even want to be friends at this point. But would still liek to make sense of the whole thing. I think he jumped into something too quick, he freaked to be in another relationship so fast, he still has unresolved issues with his ex, and he needs to be own his own for awhile to realize what he wants. But would love to hear everyone's thoughts. I think my story is a good lesson learned. I think that my ex, does care for me, but until he is ready to really try again with anyone (time will tell) he is not going to pursue anything serious. I do wonder if when he is ready he turns to me, or b/c I kinda burned that bridge he thinks that is a dead end too. I think it is more likely that when he is ready he finds someone else. And since is willing to put up w/ misery, it will be more about the time than anything else. So guys, tell me, I blew it forever huh? I think maybe that is a good thing in this case...what do you think? Was it all a game?

Well, GeeCee you soiund pretty together about the whole thing. And ya know, one of my weaknesses is my impatience as well. Your ex sounds like he madea conscious decision in his life never to be hurt the same again, so he does not allow himself to get too emotionally attached. It is no longer part of his nature. Although from the way you make it sound, my opinion is, if you make it clear to him that you are completely fine being casual and you do back off, you may ne able to change his mind in the long run. How I look at your situation is, what do you have to lose? I mean you are going into the casual thing KNOWING the whole story and that the possibilty exists that you may never get what you ultimately want (him commited to you). But for now, it sounds like a happy medium to exist in as long as you can really TRY to calm you impatient side and when you don't hear from in awhile you don't always break down and call. Keep him guessing I say. Call when you feel like it sometimes and other times don;t. As for me? Well a few things. #1 after my conversation with him yesterday, I know I do not want him back anymore. He is not the person I thought he was and really I doubt he is ever going to change. He is selfish and weak and although, yes he has terrible things going on, if you only knew how amazing I have been to this man. Ever since I have known him. We were friends for 3 years. He has no reason to ever be or treat me the way he did. None. Even if he said I am in love with my ex still I would have been so ok. I mean not really, but he would not have known that. Anyway, I know now that the boy is confused and sad and really may never realize what he is losing in me. His ex and him will NEVER work out I am sure about that one. But I digress...#2 There is a huge possibilty that he will bail on me tonight. He just may not answer his phone, and say he worked REALLY REALLY late in a cop out email tmrw or something. (Ya see I have no faith in this person whatsoever anymore). So, we will reschedule to do the stuff exchange some other time. Either way though, I think I pretty much got the closure I needed yesterday. I will keep you posted however if we do end up meeting up tonight.

GeeCee, Wow, it sounds like you enjoyed yourself and the night went well, except that he did not say I am ready to commit to you. I have to go back a read you whole situation again girl, but i sounds to me as if this man is commitment-phobe. He obviously though is a nice guy and honest and has told you listen I really like you, you are all the things I look for but for some reason I am not ready to be with you. That is really confusing. What I think is this. This man knows how wonderful you are, how sweet, honest and sincere a woman you are, he also knows how much you love him. But since he told you he does not want to be commited to you right now, you need to decide what you want out of the relationship and if you are willing to wait for the the "possibility" that he will one day wake up and realize damn I am an idiot this woman is the one I have been searching for my whole life. GeeCee what happened in his past relationships? Did he have trouble committing there too, or did they have terrible endings (again sorry didn;t read your first post)? I think you know this man cares about you, but if he does not want more than a casual relationship for now, would you or could you start dating other guys?

Thanks you guys. Lostinvan, I know what you are saying and believe me, I have been there for him through it all. I did comfort him on the phone to. I know he feels "safe" coming to me and probably didn;t out of guilt. I know that he cared/cares about me. The thing about it is, I got into a relationship with someone who wasn't a whole peron after his breakup. I know that. I also really tried to show him, that the beginning of our relationship was going to be his time, his terms, he was the one wounded and upset about things going on in his life. I had come out of a relationship too, but I was whole. Regardless, however, you can not excuse his actions or his half-a%^ attempt to be with me, even as a friend once we were together. I know he needs time, tiem to heal and the sad thing is he never will from his previous relationship if he does not give it space. His ex has moved on and doesn;t see that the best thing for her to do if she wants a friendship with my ex is to leave him alone to heal himself. Codependency takes time to get over and people previosuly in those relationships OF COURSE cannot move onto another until they are healed. I was naive to think that even I could help him through that. But now, where we stand is, a broken person who is floundering (my ex) who has hurt someone he cares about (me) and has overwhelming guilt. And I promise you all, I am not going to make him feel worse than he does I will try to help him thru stuff if he wants my help. But what I realized is that right now, and probably never will he be a man I could count on or when I break down. He shuts down. And that is not healthy, it brings down everyone around them. I do not want that. No worries my friend, I know things will work out for my ex. He is a good person, immature and kinda sad, but good. I will fill you all in on our meetup later tonight or tmrw.

So here is what happened. I chose to call him back again b/c I knew he was not going to call again. I was planning on saying listen "I wanted to try to be friends with you, that is obviously not what you want, so I want to get my stuff back." This is what happened, I called and he said hello and I said listen I know you where not planning on calling me back, he said he was, I said well I was not aniticipating you were, so I decided to call you back b/c I really want to let you know that I wanted to try to be friends, but you obviosuly don't want to. At this he said, no he did and that he has had his head up his a&* and he is sorry. He wants to be friends with me, he just has been crazed, then he started going to a worldwind of excuses about why he has not been in touch, incl. losing his current apt., his ex of 4 years has a new bf who he met. His b-day is next week and he is turning 29 which he is not happy about. HIs one friend is basically suicidal, etc. etc. I am sure all these things are true, nonetheless they are all excuses. This is the time he should ahve reached out for me, not the opposite. Anyway, I was very honest and upfront, even asked him after asking how he was dealing w/ his ex, if he had any thought that maybe he wants her back. He said he can;t even think about anything crazy like that now. He sounded down as if he was going to cry. I told him I was sorry he has been having such a rouch time and that he knows he could call me anytime. He said he did not want to bother me. (He knows though he could have.) He also said he feels like he is depressed and has not been sleeping. All of these are excuses as well, hell I have been feeling depressed and have not been sleeping since we broke up. Bottem line: We are meeting tmrw to exchange our stuff. He sounded sad about this. I didn't really care. I need it for closure. I think somehow holding my stuff hostage has given him some sort of comfort. ANyway, I realized that this guy is seriosuly screwed up. Not sure his life is as bad as he says, but regardless. He is incabable of dealing and so I want my stufff back, will say my peace, and move on. W/O him-I know that if I do not pursue the friendship after our meeting tmrw, it will end and who will be better off? Not him b/c I was actually willing to help him thru his crap, but me-b/c I will find someone capable of living their life, not hiding from it.

Ok so, I called, he said hello and how are you? then asked to call me back later b/c he was crazed at the moment. This is more than likely since we used to work together, however I believe if you ant to talk to someone, you do. I think it was a blow off. He was calm, but not overly excited to hear from me. I will let you all know if I don't hear back. I doubt he will call me back. I am still glad I alled I feel more in control of my emotions. I am getting to the pissed "he never derserved me anyway" phase. If he does not call me back, I plan on calling him again tomorrow afternoon b/c I want to get my stuff back, I have a few things at his place and he has some clothes at mine still. If he doesn't then my plan and tone will change. I will call again tmrw and say listen, I wanted to try to be friends again, you obviously don't want to be, so listen I want my stuff back how can we get that to happen? At this point f&*% him and giving him space etc. I realize now, that if he isn;t man enough to deal then I want my own type of closure. I would prefer to hear I never want to hear or see you again than "I will call you later" that is the pansy way out. Ya see we never fought, we brokw up b/c he needed time to think. And I will give him that, he will have forever w/o me. I just want my own form of closure which includes getting my belongings.

I decided that no contact is good up to a point. But for my own sanity, I am going to contact my ex today. This decision is for me and noone else. I want to see how he reacts. If this does push him away more than well how right were we for one another? I will let you know how it goes. After reading everyone's posts, I realized, I never did the begging, pleading thing, I just said I know I feel this relationship isn't right either. And the one time we talked afterward I was friendly but got off the phone pretty quick. I honestly do not care the repercussions of my actions. I am going to reach out and if he is cold and makes me feel worse I will know, this is not someone I should still be thinking about. He just sucks. I am feeling empowered by this decision!!! More to come....

DO NOT CALL or EMAIL HIM!!!! You are stronger and wroth more than that. I knw how hard it is, but honestly the best way to keep yourself from contacting him is to get out and do something, watch a movie or call a friend. I know your friends don;t want to hear it anymore, but do something to keep from contacting him. IT WILL GET EASIER. I promise you that. The first couple weeks SUCK. But you start to realize you are a whole person w/o him and why in the hell would you ant to be with someone who has treated you so badly. No CONTACT is an action that says-I do not accept the way you treated me and that you are moving on. Give yourself and date, say I am not going o contact him for a month. And then when that month comes hopefully you will be feling better and stronger and talking to him won't leave you missing the relationship. By then also you can show him how funny, fun and amazing you are w/o out him. His power over you no longer exists. Good luck. We are all here to support you!!!!

Augghhh, no contact I know will make us stronger and help us move on faster, but it is so DAMN hard. I am on day 8 of no contact. We have been broken up for 12 days and I made contact on the 4th day-had to (long story). And he said then he would call me that weekend. He never did, but he then did call on Monday (day 4 of no contact since my first call). He said he would "call me later" b/c I had to go (ya know got off the phone first) and still haven;t heard from him. DAY 8. But I really believe that if the relationship was meaningful to both parties they will eventually contact you. Of course depending on the situation, but in mine and I think most of ours, they do not contact us for awhile b/c they are afraid of how we will react. They keep themselves distracted and grip the fact that it is over, as we must. But then eventually for them when the hurt of not talking to us does not go away, they will get in contact. Usually it is when we feel better and have moved on. But I think you have to believe that the best thing for you is NOT to call or anything. For me, I know that I can't b/c the thought of it physically effects me, I get shaky, my heart starts pumping, etc. I do not want him to have that effect on me anymore, so I know that I can't talk to him. Of course it will piss you off, b/c you think-what, they don't miss me as much as I miss them? They don't feel this void too? I know from everything I read here, it does get easier. And at some point for me, 3 months is my date, if I don't hear from him I will contact him. By then I am sure I will be fine and can talk w/o getting physically effected. Good Luck to you all. Together WE CAN DO IT!!!!

Confused 3173, I know how you feel and I am so sorry. Listen, do you really want this guy back? Is it really him that you want back, or just the satisfaction of knowing that what you felt and how you thought he felt was something real? I ask myself this all the time and for me it is actually a little bit of both. So how did you all leave it? Did he say he would get in touch and hasn't? It is amazing to me the way men can push there feelings away. I do not understand how they do that. It sounded like he really did love you but when you had to leave for 9 months that made him nervous and scared and think ya know, do I want a long distance relationship? And it sounds as though this guy is being selfish right now. If I were you as hard as it is, I would move on and make it clear to him that you deserve someone who is going to adore you and be willing to stick with yoiu even if there is distance. If this guy is worth you and your time and what you had was as you said really great, I doubt he is going to find someone better than that. And you should think that way too. And also that it is HIS loss. He had his chance with this amazing woman and f'ed it up b/c "he wasn't ready" to feel that way. Come on, give me a break, you deserve better. The funny thing about life is just as you really move on and get over him, he will probably start calling you again. And hopefully by then he will either prove to you he is serious this time or you won't care. Good luck Confused 3173 it is hard...

Thanks you guys for the support. I am really really going to try to hold out and not call him. I am just scared that I will NEVER hear from him again. I don't understand how someone could push their feelings away for someone else like that. Do you all think he will get in touch?

This forum I must say has been so helpful and uplifting to me. It has given me hope about my relationship with my ex. But here is my story, which I feel like may not have any hope of reconciliation. Sorry it is quite a long one... My boyfriend and I broke up 12 days ago (he is 28 and I am 26). We had been together only 4 months, BUT we had been good friends for 3 years. Looking back on it now, we were both fooling ourselves to think we both didn't feel more. My ex also had been in a 4 and 1/2 year relationship with a girl he really loved however was not right for him. There relationship was not healthy, she had a depression problem which led to her being very slef consumed, although she loved him he could do nothing to make her happy since she was not happy herself. He felt obligated to her and their relationship became based on codepency, guilt and obligation. The argued ALL the time and he ALWAYS gave in to her b/c he did not want to see her upset. We talked alot about his relationship (we met through work) and mine (I was also in a long-term relationship with an amazing man, however I was not completely in-love). They ended up trying to live together which lasted 4 months and then they broke up. He knew they were not right for each other and that he had been avoiding the inevitable for too long. She knew it too, their break-up was amicable and they tried to remain friends. That was in Sept. we hung out alot more after they broke up and I started to feel like he had feelings for me. I had developed strong feelings for him too and decided I could no longer date my boyfriend of 3 years having such strong feelings for someone else. After I broke up with my boyfriend, J and I got together almost immediately. It was absolutely magical for the first 2.5 months. We were both really happy. He even said he was falling in love with me. I too felt the same way. He siad I was perfect for him and that he did not know how he deserved someone so sweet, caring, fun and relaxed. I got along with ALL his friends and family (something his ex did not). We also had a very healthy relaionship b/c we wre honest and open with each other. I did not get jealous when he talked to his ex b/c I knew she was a big part of his life and that it meant alot to him to remain friends with her. Everytime he saw her he got sad and we talked through it and I told him feelign that way was natural. I myself needed space from my ex, but eventually was going to try to remain friends with him. Then mid January, things started getting tough. J seemed to be a bit depressed. I had changed jobs where we no longer saw each other everyday (although we still walked him together alot), and I am very active I have alot of hobbies. He one night said that he felt like he was not "together" enough, he said he felt like he needed to grow more and get involved in more things like I did and try to focus on his career and reconnect with old friends, all things he never did with his old gfriend b/c they never much of anything and now being with me he too wanted thos things. I was very supportive of him and told him it was very exciting that he was going to do more things to grow as a person. I tried to be encouraging and a good friend to him. He aslo said he felt he needed some space too. I told him if that is how he felt ok we could do that. I loved him dearly and wanted to let him know that I would support him as he figured out things. But things just got worse. He stopped calling me regularly and inviting me out with his friends, and then the week before Valentine's Day he had not even mentioned anything. It had now been 4 months that we were going on. At first I started to get a bit needy I think during this time. I called him whenever I wanted to talk to him still and invited him to all of my plans. Then I started getting sad and pullign away myself. He stopped saying I love you and became SO distant. I was very upset. So I decided I should voice my feelings to him. We talked very calmly and he said he knew he was being a bad boyfriend and that I needed to give him time and space that could we try just to date. I told him that I was really trying but that he was my friend and I did not know how to step backwards in our relationship but I would try. I asked him though if he wanted to break-up. He said no, he did not want to lose me. So that went on for about a week and I was miserable anytime he called it seemed like out of obligation. So I decided that we were trying to force something, a fake dating relationship. I decided we had to break up for now so he could get things straight. I tried to get together with him a weekend before he was leaving for a week business trip, but he never even called me back about it. Finally I decided to go to his house and talk to him before he left, he was not there so I left him another message. He finally called me back before he left and we broke up ON THE PHONE...the conversation went like: "J what is going on? " Him saying he couldn't do this (meaning us), he was having flashbacks to the old relationship. I told him that was not fair I am different and our relationship was different. Him saying he needed to be selfish right now and do things on his own. Me telling him I thought that was great I did not want him to be with me if he didn't want to be. Me telling him how much I loved him and how I had never felt that way before. Him telling me that was scary and pressure. Then going through some other things, telling me he had cried all morning. Me telling him he should just be honest with me and comminicate that we are friends. Him telling me he didn't want to lose me as a friend. He also kept apologizing and I told him he should not apologize for his feelings. Him telling me not to wait for him. Me saying of course I won't (I got pissed he said that) then him saying he would call me when he got back into town. During the week he was gone, I contacted him once (had a mild freakout got some misinformation that he had cheated on me.) He had not and we talked briefly he said he was glad I called him to clear it up and that he would NEVER do that to me. I also told him I had had a revelation and that I understood the pressure he was talking about and that I did not mean to put that on him and how I never expected him to do or be anything he wasn't or that that meant our relationship was gong to work. He thanked me for that and again said he would call when he got back into town that wkend. He did not call and I was very upset. He did then call Monday morning and apologized for not calling. We chatted about our weekends and I was very upbeat. I then said I had to run to a meeting and he said he would call me later. That was Monday and I have not heard from him since. I am trying to stick to the no contact rule here, but I miss him. I want to tell him that, bc/ maybe he thinks he can't reconcile his actions. I also got scared reading this forum b/c I started to get paranoid that he might try to reconcile with his longtime ex. They do have sooo much history but it was never really happy. I also started to think that maybe he just saw me as a rebound and now will move on with someone else. I never felt that way though he and I really had a connection, we had a friendship, we understood one another and had a true love. Is it he is just confused and will come back to me, or am I fooling myself? Please help, I am so in-love with this boy and want him back terribly. I do not understand why he has not called again and why he does not want to try to be with me and work on improving himself. I also want to see him, I know if I see him he may show me some sort of emotion or tell me he misses me. Any and all advice would be greatly appreciated...