DoctorWu

The Morrigan and Beec, Great advice! I love this site because you can get objective advice which is what I need with things like this. I've decided to let go of the issue and not worry about it anymore. I still will feel "out of the loop" at times but I'll try not to take it personally. Thanks again for all of your help!!! - DW

Hello Friends, I'm in a bit of a dilemma and I need objective help to solve it. This involves two other people who we will call Jane and Jim. Jim and I have been best friends for over 3 years and talk/hang out almost every day. Jane works with me and we developed a close friendship over the past 6 months to the point where I was attracted to her. I told her this and we are working through it to maintain the friendship. Here's the dilemma. Jim just lost his job (a live-in caretaker at a mansion) and needed a place to stay. Jane offered Jim a place to stay until he gets another job and gets back on his feet. Jim knows that I like Jane and asked me if it would be ok if he stays with Jane (we all hang out in the same circle of friends). At first, I said it was ok with me (what could I say -- puts me in a bad spot) but know I'm having second thoughts. Part of me feels slighted by both of them because of my feelings towards Jane. Although all of us have talked about it, I still feel uneasy. My question to the masses is, how should I handle this situation? I want to keep these friendships but my pride feels violated in some way. Should I keep things status quo or cut my losses? Please help!!! - DW

Axl - I'm in the same boat as you but my best friend is single (go figure). A slow lesson that I'm learning is to not beat a dead horse too much. If you truly want to continue being her best friend, stay silent. The more you talk the more akward things may become between you both. Like my friend, it sounds like she deeply values your relationship and it would probably devastate her if you broke things off and talking about how you feel again may push things in that direction. I know this sounds cliche -- but look for another girl and find other things to occupy your mind/time. You will always think about her so don't fight it! Instead of focusing on what could have been, focus on what you have now, especially all the good times you've had. With patience, your mind will settle down and you will find contentment in your relationship with her. DW

I'm having some difficulties with a female friend (I'm a guy) and I could think of no other place to get advice than this forum. So here goes... I have this girl friend that I kinda still have feelings for and after telling her about them, we agreed that a relationship wouldn't work between us and it would be better to keep things as they are. I'm getting over my feelings for her (read: slowly) and we still talk on an almost daily basis but at times, I get this bad feeling about things. Basically, it seems like she either takes our friendship for granite or she is taking advantage of my feelings for her. It seems (at least to me) that whenever I call or want to hang out with her she isn't as available as she use to be in the beginning (missed phone calls, unavailable, was on the other line but didn't click over, etc). However, whenever she calls me or wants to hang out, I almost always make time for her no matter what. Am I just being paranoid or is there something more here that I'm missing? DW

Bexcelant - Thanks for your imput! It's so funny how life works. I told a friend at work about this situation and she said the exact same thing. I framed the conversation in more of a "preemptive defeat" mode. I felt I already knew the answer which made it easier for her to stay put. Upon further review, I should have chosen another play. Sometimes life can be a great teacher.

Fear may definitely play into it! If he's never had a serious relationship, then there may be some insecurity there keeping him from seeing you as anything other than a friend. He may indeed may see you as a potential soulmate but a big part of him is focused on that fear. Ultimately, it's up to him to decide when and if he's ready for something serious with you which means that he will have to face those fears at some point (hopefully with you as his guide). I'm in a similar situation... The best we can do continue to be the supportive friend and hope they come around. Meanwhile, we can redirect our focus on things that will make other possibilities available to us.... Hope this helps! DW

Lauralied - Thanks for your great words of encouragement! It looks like I'll actually be taking your advice but with a little maintenance on my part first. I'm beginning to realize that I need some time to submerge my feelings for my friend so I'll probably turn the volume down for a while until I have healed, then things will pick up normally from there. I hope things will work out with your best friend eventually. Stay strong, always meet new people and take care! -- DW

JustMe... I definitely feel your pain because I'm going through the exact same thing. You've replied to my post on this subject and after some thinking I want to reply to this with some new thoughts. Unfortunately, we both are seeing our relationships with these women through blinders which impairs our view of reality. A perfect example of this is the girl in my situation is on vacation and will be returning on Monday. Even though I'm not dating her, I have this nagging feeling that she will come back tell me all about some new guy she met... blah, blah, blah. Of cousre if that does happen, I envision that my heart will go into a deeper tailspin and I won't be able to recover. Could that actually happen? Maybe. Should I worry about it? I'm beginning to think the answer is "No". I can't predict the future but I can see the present... We both have to accept that these women don't see us the way we see them. Once that is done, you can decide whether or not she was worth the emotional effort. All of this will take time, as there is no quick fix to stuff like this. I just hope that when we finally wake up, we will like what I see. Hope this helps! DW

Hey! I'm in a similar situation and I (reluctantly) agree with the two other posts. I'm seeing my current female friendship through blinders mainly because of my feelings for her. I keep trying to put the best spin on things because I want to go back to the days where we would spend all day and night together (phone calls, visits, etc.) but I'm beginning to realize that we have moved beyond that. The sad part is that I'm having the hardest time accepting it.... psychobballgurl... I say all of that because you too must accept whatever reality exists between you and your friend. If he is seeing some else, then use it as time for you to heal your feelings and look for someone who is worthy of your love and affection. I hope this helps! DW

JustMe - Dude, It's taking all the strength I can muster to keep it together. As a matter of fact, I work with the girl and we hang out in the same social groups. Talk about composure! There are times I really wonder is my friendship with her worth the constant agonizing over the little things (phone calls, conversations, etc.) psychobballgurl - Sometimes just knowing that you're not going through something like this alone makes all the difference! All the friends that I've talk to about this usually will end the friendship if it doesn't progress any further (even the girl in question -- we've talked about it). I feel like I'm being asked to get over my feelings while having a constant reminder of what I'll be missing... DW

Wow, that was fast... My rational side definitely agrees with both JustMe and Micksbabyboo. I should just move on emotionally. Let things be as they are with my friend and pursue other interests. But how close? Can we still be "best friends" or something less than that? DW

First of all, it's good to find a place like this to see advice. With stuff like this, it's nice to know that you aren't alone... Anyway, on to my situation. Like so many others on this subject, I have fallen pretty deep for a girl who dosen't want to take things any further than being best friends. I can accept that... We are the type of friends that started out talking on the phone all the time (having really deep conversations), hanging out frequently, etc. After about 3 months, things started to slow down probably around the time I expressed my feelings for her (no surprise here). We still talk almost daily and have a great time doing it. The problem here is that I'm trying to put those feelings behind me and still maintain the closness we have. When we talked about my feelings for her, I end up saying that I can get over it and things between us will stay the same. Am I kidding myself? I find myself still thinking about her all the time and part of me hopes that she will "see the light" and we can be more than just friends... The rational side says just move on but I just can't find a way to do it without doing something bad like ending the friendship. Can anyone help?