ProphetSword

I'm sure your friend has been really hurt. So, for you I have two suggestions: 1) Give her space. Be her friend. Realize that you may only ever be her friend...and learn to live with it. Good friends of the opposite sex can be wonderful. 2) Don't wait around. Go ahead and look elsewhere for love. Don't let the love of your life pass you by while you wait for this one person...who may end up being wrong for you or may not ever look at you as anything other than a friend. Believe me, once you leave school it gets harder and harder to meet people...so take advantage of it while you can.

I hear what you're saying, but I think you're wrong about telling her off...and that's because that's what other women tell me I should do. You see, I have the benefit of having many close women friends...really beautiful and intelligent ones... They claim that so long as I don't put her in her place (and it can be done firmly without being a jerk...you can just say something like: "I really don't have time to play games with you anymore." or as one friend suggested, just waiting for her to pull her stuff again and say: "I'm on to you." and walk away), so long as you don't tell her that the things she's doing is wrong, the more she believes that she's getting away with something and the more she will continue to do it. She's a naughty girl, and honestly, she is *seeking* someone who is strong enough to put her in her place. What kind of man gets a woman like that? A strong one. One who has the confidence to tell her: "Stop that!" By being to nice, all we've done is set ourselves up as prey. I know this because about three weeks ago, I was blowing her off and giving her attitude...and she started pursuing me. In fact, everytime I blow her off and act like she's not important, she turns the tables on me and runs right back to me...and then as soon as she gets to me...then she treats me like dirt. Most likely, these women fall into the category of "drama queen." And, having read about them on the internet, I can tell you that people who fall into this category seek a relationship that is like a rollercoaster ride...in other words, according to what I've read, they seek men who will fight with them so that they can enjoy the "making up" process. They live for it. And in my case, it explains her ex-boyfriend who would beat her senseless and then they'd make up and be fine. She got out of the relationship in the end...but why did she stay in it for so long? Because these women live for the misery...and you may not believe that...but look at it again. Most likely, she wants you to be strong enough to fight with her and put her in her place. Ask some women about this...they'll tell you all about this breed of woman. And honestly, 99% of all women are looking for someone who is strong enough to put them in their place and not put up with their crap. These women just take it to an extreme.

You know, even when I'm giving advice, even I'm falling for the tricks. The woman I've told you about lured me in again. She's been flirting with me pretty hard, and after a few days, I came to realize it's just an attempt to get me to pay attention to her again. So, I started thinking about all the little things she did that were RED FLAGS...and I'm going to give you a list. Check it to see if the woman you're writing about has done any of these things. What gets me is how easily a man will overlook these things when a pretty woman is involved, but will notice it when the woman is less attractive. Most likely, the woman is playing you if she does any of the following (and I'm speaking from experience with my recent run-in with this breed of girl): 1) Asks you to buy her something or drops hints that you should spend money on her (I never did...I spotted this right away). 2) Always has plenty of time to talk if she needs to tell you something, but when you want to talk to her, she is busy or doesn't quite have the time to hear you. 3) Refuses to engage in any conversation that starts to get too serious, or will ignore what you're saying and change the subject. 4) Flirts with you constantly to make you feel important, but never takes it any further when you flirt back or make a move. 5) Makes up a hundred different excuses why she can't make time for you or do anything with you. 6) Makes promises and breaks them without saying she's sorry, but if you don't do something she asks, she lets you know about it. 7) When she wants attention, she lies about the things in her life to make it seem way more dramatic than it is...and you suspect that she's just making things up to get sympathy, but you can't prove it. 8) Never makes you a priority. If you're standing there talking to her and someone else she knows passes by, she suddenly starts talking to them like you're not even there. That one really makes me mad. 9) Tells you how much she loves to hang around with you or how much she cares about you, but her actions pretty much say that she's lying. 10) Is self-centered. Everything revolves around her and you hear the word *me* used a lot. It isn't always obvious at first, but you begin to realize after a while that even though she's including you in things, it is always a benefit to her...and she is not taking any of your feelings into consideration. I'm sure there are more...but 10 will do. And honestly, after having to work so hard to even get a decent conversation out of her today, I've pretty much decided the best course of action is to tell this woman to completely f*** off the next time she does any of this stuff. It's hard when you think someone might like you, if they're leading you on...but I think it's just time that I call her on all this stuff when she does it. I'm clinging to her because she might like me, but deep down I know she doesn't....so she's about to get an earful, and that will solve the problem once and for all. Anyway, let me know if any of these things are happening to you. Replying to your problems is actually very therapeutic for me if only because I can vent what I need to while hearing from someone else and knowing I'm not the only guy going through this stuff. Ever feel like you're not strong enough to handle these kinds of women? (They actually make you feel that way). Well, take your strength back...you're a man, dammit. Next time she does something you don't like, be sure to let her know.

Since you asked what I'm doing, I'll tell you... I'm getting over her. I also try to send her clear messages whenever I can. She is still under the impression that she has me wrapped around her finger. But she'll drop little hints about things and I reverse it on her to show her she can't control me. I can stay friends...it's hard...but I let her know she can't screw me over. The other day she said to me: "I'll haunt you for the rest of your life." I said: "You think so?" She said: "It'll happen." I replied: "I'm about to prove you wrong." And walked away. Here's what I do that drives her nuts but puts her in her place. First, learn to say "no" a lot. Even if you really want to spend time with her, tell her no. I said that the other day, and the reaction was incredible. Not only will you send a clear message, you will get some respect from her because if she's beautiful, she's not used to hearing that word. In most cases, the women are spoiled and used to getting their way. They are leeching off you. Imagine your emotions are your hard-earned money. Imagine she's a man. If a man was doing the same thing, except leeching your money instead of emotions...what would you do? You'd put an end to it, right? Treat her like that. You don't have to be rude. You can just be direct. Don't become a jerk, or she'll just tell everyone you're an ass. Just tell her no. That's it from here. I'm going through the same thing right now...so I understand. Let's both find women worthy of us.

I think I understand her. I'm going through a very similar thing right now with a young woman who was in a bad relationship. We actually had a shot at going out...I went to her house, we were kissing...and then she got very distant and said that she just wanted to be friends, that she wasn't ready for a relationship, that I could be important to her but the timing wasn't right yet even though she had originally thought it was. I rationalized everything, asked everyone for advice, and came up empty. Finally, another woman friend of mine who knows both of us (she knows me extremely well and only knows the other woman barely...but has been in a position to observe what she's doing to me) told me what is going on...and you won't like it...but here it is: You are her stand-by "just-in-case" guy. You see, she broke up with someone. She feels alone and hurt, but you make her feel special with your attention. Most likely, she's not interested in you at all...or is only slightly interested...but is making you think that she is so that you don't stop feeding her attention. She needs to feel attractive and special...you make her feel that way... ...sounds okay, right? Except that the reason she wants to feel attractive and special is so that she can get over her heartache and FIND SOMEONE ELSE, and there's about a 99% chance that it will not be you. This was hard for me to accept, but as I stood and looked objectively at what was going on...it became apparent that it was true. We don't want to admit this stuff...we think we know someone...we cling to the hope that it's not true and that they really care for us...but you have to be real. You may think I'm harsh, but I saw proof of this in your messages. YOU are doing all the work. If she was pursuing you, it would be different. I have a TON of ladies who love to spend time with me...but NONE of them are pursuing me...they can talk to me for HOURS on the phone, in person, whatever...but not ONE of them is pursuing me...there's a big difference. It hit me like a brick that many other women in my past had done the same thing to me. I was becoming what they call a "doormat," because women were walking over me. Many of them came to me and told me they were going to break up with boyfriends, or that they were interested in me...but as soon as they had me where they wanted me, they kept me at arms length for attention...because I gave it too freely. There is some good news, though. Not all women are like this. Other women will definitely tell you that they know that this breed of woman exists. Just as men will tell you that some of the sweet guys out there are not really sweet, they just use their charm to have sex with women and then dump them. It's kind of the same thing...this breed of woman wants to milk you for all the warm feelings you give her without ever giving you anything in return. Think about this...everything you're saying is in direct relations to how you feel about her. But, how do you feel about YOURSELF? What is she doing for you? What are you getting out of the relationship? Her presense? That's a crock. You're creating your own feelings for her, and her presense makes them stronger...but she is not returning the feelings at all, so you are in a one-sided situation that will never become what you want it to be... As I told another friend recently (who went through the same thing with a woman who left her husband), think about this really hard: "All these feelings you have for her should be drawn inside and saved for a *real* woman who will be glad that you feel that way about her. And believe me, the woman that's worthy of your attention will be *glad* that this woman was too stupid to realize what a great guy you are...because if she had you would have never found the one who truly cared about you." The woman in my case is young, beautiful, smart...everything I ever wanted. We have chemistry. We have a great time. She's a great kisser...you name it...we even have similar goals... ...but she doesn't really want me. And she is wasting my time. A year I spent pursuing her could have been spent doing something better. She keeps wanting me to wait...until she finishes school...until she gets over her ex...until we don't work together anymore...whatever. And yet, I've seen evidence of other guys coming around (evidence I wasn't supposed to know about). I've seen other guys that are nipping at her heels the same way I am, and I wonder if she's selling them the same line. I'm not trying to be autobiographical here, but I want you to understand that you are not alone. It will hurt, my friend, but do yourself a favor and toss her over your shoulder like a used-up soda generic soda can and go find yourself a woman who is more like fine wine...you will be much happier. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news...but as someone who just came out of something similar...you need to know. I wish someone would have told me a long time ago.

See, I knew someone would back me up... All the advice I've given you is advice I have to give to myself as well. A young lady I was chasing who had been a friend for a while turned out to be someone who was bad for me and who wanted to play games with me. So, I learned that you need to look past your feelings and see who these people are underneath before you even pursue them. Make sure you know who she is before you go after her. You may think you know her, but you may also be looking at her through a pair of rose-colored glasses, and it can taint your vision. And often times, the prettier they are, the harder it is to see beyond the skin. I don't know why people are that way...don't you wish we all looked the same on the outside? If we did, then everyone would *immediately* start looking at what was inside because the outside wouldn't matter anymore. And yeah, it might be boring, but I promise you that every person in this world would focus on being better people right from the beginning. Treat everyone the same, no matter what they look like. Let them prove what kind of people they are. Okay, enough preaching from me. Any luck with your situation yet?

After getting the runaround from a girl who's been my friend (this is the third post about her here), I'm really *really* confused. First, she was in a bad relationship, and when things started to heat up between us, she backed off...said we should be friends...take it slow. So, I did that. Then, I was convinced by evidence that she was playing me for a fool for the attention. But, a lot of this evidence is circumstantial, and I'm not sure if it's true. At the time I wrote last week, I wasn't even sure I wanted to be her friend or not (in fact, most of the people here told me to just stay away from her). Now, when I avoided her, she seems really hurt by this. She got upset yesterday and said: "I'm leaving. I can see that you don't want to talk to me." I was being a little cold to her. For some reason, it made me feel bad enough that I went and talked to her about it...and I told her that it's not true that I don't want to talk to her (which is true...this is actually pretty hard). Today, she tried hard to get me to talk to her. I'm not sure how to take her. As we were walking, she told me that I was like the lyrics to a song she once heard...she paraphrased them like this: "Once you were cool, and you ran to me. Now you're a fool runnin' away from me..." I felt like she was playing me for a fool at the time because I'm not getting anywhere with her. But to be fair, she is working two jobs and going to school...and I know that means she has no time...and it explains why she only has time for friends. Sometimes I feel like she really likes me, and at times I feel like she's just playing with me...and it didn't feel this way until we kissed...so I really don't know what to think... She told me today: "I feel like you don't want to talk to me anymore. You don't pay attention to me..." What I didn't tell her was that I am paying attention to her, and I do want to talk to her, but I don't want to get hurt. And it's not that I'm not paying her as much attention...it's that I'm not *pursuing* her at this moment...as it is getting me nowhere. How can I make her understand I still like her without setting myself up to play an idiot?

It can be hard. Being shy can be a real strain. I know. What you've started to say is fine. I would leave it that way, but add the end part of what I said: "I know you might reject me, and I'm okay with that, but I wanted you to know that you were worth the risk." That might sound rehearsed, but I promise you, it's very flattering. Believe it, and she will know you are sincere (you must think she's worth the risk, or you wouldn't be here asking for advice). Honestly, if she's your friend and she's not interested in you, she will tell you, and it will be okay. You have to stand up and take this chance, or you will never get anywhere. Here's an old saying I heard on a television show that applies: "If you ask her out, she *might not* go out with you. But if you don't ask her out, she *never will* go out with you. You decide."

Not sure what you mean by that...because I really don't like to be hurt emotionally. I guess she just confused me. I haven't been played like that since I was younger...so maybe I just forgot that some girls do that. But, speaking of youth, I should have known better. I'm 35, and the woman in question just turned 21. At the time I was pursuing her, I didn't know she was that young (she didn't act that way). When I found out, I backed off and she came after me...and she told me the age difference didn't matter. One of my friends came to me, and she told me that it's an age thing, that the woman in question is young and dumb. She just got out of bad relationship and now she's on a "power-trip" and that I shouldn't take it personally as she's playing guys just to feel good after some other guy did some really evil things to her. So, I guess I was fooled, and that's cool. And I guess I lost a friend because she tricked me...I'm not cool with that...but what can I do? As you guys have said...she wasn't really a friend to me or she wouldn't have done that, right? So, thanks for the advice. It hurts me...not because I'm interested in her like I used to be...but because we really could have been good friends who had a lot in common and enjoyed each others company...but she blew that all to hell.

Just trying to help. Maybe you'll return the favor someday when I'm here asking questions! Let us know how it turns out, okay. And, don't worry...there will always be more out there. Keep the faith and keep going.

You know, there's a couple of things in your post that caught my attention, and I want you to think real hard about all these things: * You're young. Believe me when I tell you that there will be other girls in this world for you to fall in love with. Sometimes it doesn't seem that way, but trust me when I tell you that others will come. She is not the only one. In fact, you should realize that she's *not* perfect and that she is only one in a sea of millions. There are plenty of special women out there, and I'm sure if she's not the one for you, there is one that will be glad that she didn't have enough good taste to choose you. * How do you know you're in the bottom 10% of ugly people? And, why does that matter? Personality can overcome looks. In high school, I wasn't very attractive, but now that I'm older, plenty of women in the last week alone have called me sexy, cute, and handsome...and I don't usually believe them because I grew up percieving myself as unattractive. Do yourself a favor, work on your personality as hard as you can. Being attractive is more than looks...ask a lot of women here about that...some will go for looks...some will go more for heart (men are the same way). * You can certainly be bold and tell her you love her, but I bet you *don't* love her. It's easy to think you love someone...but until they truly return the feelings, you can't love them. You can be obsessed about them...you can be infatuated...you can have a huge crush. Love is something that is shared. Put it in your head that you do not love her, but you are very fond of her. Start to see her that way, and it will help you. And if you tell her anything, just tell her that she is special to you...I don't think putting pressure on her about how much you "love" her is great idea at this point. * Do yourself another favor as well...find other girls to like too. Make friends with them too, if you have to. That way, if it doesn't work out, you know you still have other options. I try to always have options when I can...sometimes you can't...but keep going anyway and others will arise. * Finally, don't think you can't get a girl just because she's pretty. But, also, don't feel that you have to go only for the pretty ones (I have met so many lovely ladies who get passed over because they don't quite "make the grade" in being super-pretty...and everyone of them are fantastic ladies that were worth knowing). When you're young, it's easy to get caught up in the looks game. Learn young that looks aren't the sole criteria for liking someone. A pretty girl makes a man feel all crazy inside...but that's a lust thing...love is something else...and you'll learn that as you go. Hope this helps. Usually, it's the kind of thing you don't want to hear, but the sooner you realize this is all true, the sooner you can help yourself be the kind of man that finds the right woman.

Hey, I'm following what you're saying here, and I've been in the same situation you've been in a couple of times. I might be able to help you, as I sometimes fall into the *nice guy* category. So, now let me give you some harsh advice you won't like, but will help you: * Stop being so nice. Women like a guy who knows what they want and are not afraid to go after it. I'm not saying you should come on strong, but you should let her know how you feel. (Back me up, ladies). I can give you *two* examples from my life: 1) Had a friend a couple of years ago. I was falling for her hard. She'd been with a guy for a long time, but their relationship was in trouble. I took the plunge and told her how I felt. She understood...but she didn't feel the same way. But she loved me dearly as a friend. I didn't mess up anyone's life at all. Five years later, she is still with the guy and she and I are very close friends...and I'm glad to have her as a great friend. I don't look at her the way I used to...and she's become like a sister to me. Hell, she even gives me advice about the other women I'm interested in and I've gone out to bars with her looking for other women. If she's really your friend, you will not lose anything, and you might even become *closer* as a result. But, if she tells you she's not interested, put her in the "friend zone" and go find someone else. It never hurts to have friends. 2) Knew another girl who was seeing someone. Two months ago I went and told her I was interested in her. She told me she was seeing someone, but if she wasn't, she would be "way interested." I thought that was a brush off. After she broke up with her b/f a month later, she came straight after me. And while the situation didn't turn out ideally (if you've read any of my messages, you'll know why), the point is that I *did* at least get a shot with her because I took a chance. And what's funny is that she actually said THESE words to me (and I want you to pay attention): "You know, I never really thought of you as more than a friend. But when you came to me and told me how you felt, I started to see you in a whole different light. I wouldn't have even thought about it if you hadn't said anything..." You see...she may not even be thinking of you that way...but if you say something...she might *start* thinking of you that way... Do NOT worry about screwing up someone else's life in this case. If she *wants* to be with her b/f, you will not screw up anything. If she leaves him for you, she was *not* happy with him anyway...and she would have left him for someone else eventually. Also, don't let the fact that she gave him a peck bother you. People do that when they're couples. It doesn't mean she won't be doing the same thing to you before long. Finally, if you want to know what to say, I can offer you this...it's flattering and it says exactly what you want to say. Practice it, mean it, say it. Go to her, pull her into a private place, and tell her you want to speak for a minute and tell her not to interrupt you until you get it out: "I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable, but I need to tell you that I am attracted to you. I know you're seeing someone, and I can respect that. My friendship with you means the world to me, but I feel a connection with you that could lead to something more. No matter what, I just wanted you to know that I'm very shy, and this has taken me a lot of courage. And, even though I might get rejected, I thought you were worth the risk..."

The unfortunate part of it is that I still have to be civil and friendly to her because we work in the same place...and sometimes our job requires us to work in the same area. Not all the time...I can go weeks without speaking to her if I need to. But, I also know that a major reset is coming up in her area, and since she's actually the specialist in the area where I have to reset, I'm going to have to work with her a little. So, I'm just curious to know how to handle it. I mean, I blew it anyway. When I got mad at her, she knew I was mad at her. But when she asked me about it, I made up some other excuse for why I was mad because we were at work and I didn't feel it was worth making a scene over. Now, I feel like I wimped out or something...if only because I didn't feel it was my place to say the things that were really on my mind...it's not like she was my girlfriend or something...even if she made me believe that it might be possible. I just feel used. Part of me despises her completely, and part of me sees her out of the corner of my eye sometimes and feels a tug on my heart. And yet, even though I cared dearly for her (and thought she cared for me...man, I can't believe how sincerely she seemed to care about me), it really bothers me. I gave her opportunities to tell me that we could just be friends...I had seen signs and I thought that's what she wanted...but instead, she kept telling me that she was interested. I guess the part that bugs me a lot is that I don't know that she's *not* interested. I could have misread everything. When she asked me to go on lunch with her, and she was with someone else, I dont' know that the guy might not have been a cousin or something that popped in unexpectantly and she was hoping I'd understand. I got mad before she ever got the chance to explain. And if she had only just gotten her phone number back (her phone *was* down...that part wasn't faked), it could be she hadn't given it to me yet. But, then, I think that I'm just rationalizing and finding excuses to still have her around. Man, I'm really twisted. I chased this woman for 6 months. She was with someone else. She admitted to me that she would be interested in me if she wasn't with the guy she was with. When they broke up, she started flirting heavy. And she admitted she liked me. She wanted me to come over. We started kissing. Then, she stopped me and told me that she wasn't ready, her relationship prior to this had been a bad one...and she wasn't sure she wanted to proceed. She told me we should take things slow...be friends and stuff and let it happen naturally. And she kept leading me to believe we might be making progress. Even here on this board I got advice from people who told me that it sounded like she was sincere, but I doubt that it's true. (And I understand that people here aren't in the situation to see it...and we often overlook facts when we write these tales). I guess what I'm saying is that it hurts a lot. And yet I know she's not worth the hurt that I"m feeling.

I wrote a while back about a girl who said she was in a bad relationship and didn't want a relationship and that we should take it slow. But, after a while, I found out she was just playing me. Little things began to tip me off after a while. For those of you out there who might wonder if you're being played by someone who was your friend, here are some things that happened to me and you can use them to see if you're going through the same thing: * Her phone number got changed and she told me she'd give me the new number, but she never did. * She asked me if I'd like to go on break with her (we work in the same place). I said okay, and I waited. She didn't show. I went looking for her, and found her having her break with some other guy while I was supposed to be waiting for her (convenient that she got me out of the way, isn't it?). * I'd asked her out last week, and she said she was interested and would let me know, but she continually said she didn't have time...and yet I overheard her talking to a friend of hers about some guy that asked her out...and it wasn't me. Needless to say, she strung me along and played me for a fool for the attention. My eyes are open now, and because she's quite pretty (and I don't know why I thought she'd really have a thing for me) I'm beginning to realize that there are other guys possibly falling for the same trap. I mean, that sort of makes me sick when I think about what she's doing to these guys. I never did anything but kiss her, but I found out later that she's had something like 28 lovers, and the girl is only 21!! Thank goodness I wasn't 29! Okay, enough about that...here's the actual problem... You know, despite all that, we were pretty good friends before I asked her out and she finally told me that she was interested in me. We'd talk all the time, and I really enjoyed her company. Even though I know she played me, I still miss her company. I mean, I'm not interested in her like that (not that I don't still think she's attractive); because, I know that what she's doing is just playing games with men. But, I'm not falling for that again...it's done...and I'm already moving on as fast as I can (actually, I have to laugh inside when she tries to flirt with me or get attention from me now). Am I dumb to still want to keep a friendship with her? I mean, here's someone I really cared about, and I thought she was a pretty decent person...and I come to find out that she's really cold-hearted and will toy with the emotions of those around her. Can I trust her as even a friend, or should I just get used to missing her company and ignore her...even though what happened between us wasn't that serious (we kissed for a while...but that's it)? What do you think?

As someone who just had something similar happen (the pillow fight, I mean) just a few days ago, let me tell you what happened... I'm over at a girl's house, not sure if she's as interested in me as she says she is. I throw a pillow at her. She rushes at me (I'm sitting on the couch) with the pillow and we commence to hit each other with pillows, laughing all the time. She jumps on top of me to beat me with the pillow. But I notice that her face is getting closer and closer to mine. I'm not fool. I reach up and gently pull her toward me. And we kiss, and she does not resist. So, I can tell you that what everyone here is saying is true.