I am a 24 year old female. I had my first real relationship when I was 17. I was just turning 18 when I met a guy my parents knew who was 29. Disgusting right? Not really. I really fell in love with him or did I? We dated for about 3 solid years and then things seemed to fall apart. I wanted to go out and he wanted me to grow up. So instead we broke up. On and off. On and off. On and off. It went like this for the next two years. He cheated on me in the 3 solid (or so I thought) years we were together. I cant say things were great all the time and I may even understand why he did what he did. I am over the fact that he cheated and it hurt. I learned that trust is hard to ever regain and it shoulld be the strongest in a relationship you want to last. But the thing is that we are human and we make mistakes. I forgave and went back but found myself not trusting. If I could of video taped how pathetic I was it may have been beneficial to me. So we broke up again. And this has been going on until this very day. I hate myself for it because as much as I tell myself I deserve better I always go back. He claims he loves me but we see love differently. I think love is being able to trust eachother and doing little things that seem so stupid but mean so much and he thinks love is the fact that he wants to marry me and have my children. THE worst part about my situation is I finally meet someone who sees love as I do. He did nothing but great things for me and it scared me to death but I went with it ..and it felt good. So whats the problem? He was almost twice my age, divorced and has 2 kids he rarely sees. At first none of it mattered but the way I felt about him and the way he made me feel. beautiful. When I told my parents, their first reaction was that I was crazy and then they said Whatever makes me happy. Except when they said that I know they still disapproved. I ended up cheating on this wonderful guy while he was out of town this weekend with my ex boyfriend that I have went back and forth with for years. I told the guy that I cheated on him because I couldn't live with myself another minute. He told me that he still cared about me even though I hurt him and that if we wanted we could get through this. I am in such a mess I want to throw up. I'd seriously rather be alone because I don't want anyone to love me anymore ..all I do is end up hurting people. I need some advice and It feels good to know I am not the only one. Am I crazy? why do I date older men? Do I really love my ex??? Why do I keep going back ..it is really insane.
Thanks for listening.