The Milkybar Kid

Not meaning to sound rude... but I really doubt Emptysoul's post could be taken as good advice. Clearly, you're very much in love, and you're not going to simply forget himt over a couple of nights' drinking. "Don't let a man bring you down"?! Yeah, girlfriend - us chicks don't need 'em! *sigh* It is true, I believe, that if you can be sure that a break-up is the only option for you both, then you will be able to heal. That said, the decision of whether or not you've reached the end of that road, certainly seems unmade. One thing which does make me concerned for your well-being and the balance in the relationship, is the fact that you said that he has done similar things before. You really shouldn't allow yourself to be hurt, if he fails to acknowledge what he's doing to you. It isn't fair. To be honest, I think his mind probably isn't settled just now, and - in considering your absense - he'll probably want to talk things through with you. I don't think it's yet 100% over, especially since you've been together all that time - but it might be for the best. And maybe that's what you should be focussing your thoughts on, until you next talk. You asked for an external viewpoint, and I think he might be hurting you more than you deserve - certainly this unceremonious way, over the phone, without you having been together for a while. I can quite imagine that it would be hard to agree with that. When your feelings are so caught up in a relationship, it can be so difficult to see what's really going on. I've been in the position where you care so much that your own happiness has far less significance going on. I've been in the position where you care so much that your own happiness has a far less significance, and you become blind to what's actually happening. You might feel like you can put up with it, but there's something not right about it - and from my experience, it doesn't last forever - maybe you're finding that out. Whatever happens, try not to be brought too far down by it. You have my complete sympathy, and the support of everyone here. You just seem to need to do some deep thinking. Good luck.

Hey Dexter. I can imagine you don't want to hear it, but I agree with what Sabena said. A break-up from a serious relationship is so difficult because that person was such a huge part of your life, before things changed. It's a very natural thing to want to keep her there, and wish to still be able to do everything you used to with her, but I think that desire can make you blind to what your brain might tell you, if you're thinking logically. I think you really have to ask yourself, "Will things really be different, in time?", and find out if you can allow yourself to risk getting hurt, and hurting her again if it doesn't work out. I'm starting out on a very similar thing myself, with a tough break-up, and what I feel is at such a contrast to what I know is the right thing to be doing. I know it doesn't help to hear someone else's sob-story, so I'll spare you, but I really think you should try to turn-off your emotion for a moment, and decide on the wisest thing to do, ultimately. I know that Sabena suggested staying close to her, but personally, I think it can be much tougher letting go of the possibility that you'll get back together, if you spend a lot of time in each other's company. You don't have to be rude, or cut her out entirely, but I think that you have to take some space and time, and get past the romantic side of her, mentally, before you can start over, and just treat her like a friend - if you decide that's what you should do. I think it is, but it has to be your decision. Good luck with whatever you choose.

Hi. I posted here a week or so ago, with my problem, and received a lot of help with it – for which I'm very grateful; thank you again to Music Chic and Bobby. I said I'd write the follow-up, and let you know what happened, so here it is – not exactly as expected… About four days after we last spoke, I phoned her and told her exactly what I was thinking – that while I didn't want and never intended us to break-up, I was prepared for it, if she realised it's what she was waiting for. To my half-surprise though, she said she was glad I called and said what I did – that I didn't want us to break-up – because she didn't want us to. She told me that she didn't know why she'd been how she'd been, but "I guess we just have to see more of each other." Maybe I shouldn't have been, I don't know, but I was happy to hear that. I didn't want to let what we had go, without at least trying again, exploring the possibility of working it out – it was too valuable to me. So, we agreed to meet up and talk, and try to settle things finally, and I think we both left each other feeling much happier. When we met up though (an unfortunate several days later, since we'd both been working a lot), she acted like everything that had to be said and explained had already been said and explained. We were alone, just music on in the background, and she wouldn't talk, when I tried to instigate a conversation about what had happened. I wasn't sure what to do with that; what did it mean? There wasn't very much I could do, though. I just tried to accept that for whatever reason she had changed, she'd understood and worked it out, and I just tried to go on with being her boyfriend. Over the past week though, everything that I had a problem with before, has slid right back into being, again - maybe even worse than before, as if I'd never said anything. It had never been a stunt to make her value me more, or anything like that, but I'd made it clear that I didn't want things to continue, if she wasn't going to be happy. What I don't get - among other things - is why she's not telling me. For someone who's supposed to care, I don't understand why she'd aim to send me subliminal messages that she doesn't want me around, rather than tell me straight. Maybe reading this, you think that I could be paranoid, and over-sensitive to little things that she might be doing, which may not really mean anything, but if anyone would rather not notice this sort of thing, it's me. I wish she weren't but she's become so cold and inactive towards me. I actually envy the attention that she gives to our friends, her sister, minor acquaintances, over me. She won't touch me. If I want to hold her hand, I have to take it, and it will be limp, her fingers pointing outwards. I've stopped moving to kiss her, as she no-longer tries to do the same, anymore; as if to say, "Can't we just watch the film? I wish it was 11, so you'd get the hell out of here and I could get on with something else", all the while keeping these things just subtle enough for me to turn a blind eye – so I can't quite hold it against her. It's so frustrating that she won't just tell me – as if she's trying to make me say "We tried but things aren't the same anymore… it's nobody's fault, we're just drifting apart." So she can say, "Yeah. I wish it wasn't like this." And look sad and feel like her pain is the same as mine. I can't and wouldn't try to make her love me. But a while ago, I'd guessed that she didn't, and she's still telling me that she does. Why then, won't she treat me like she does? She's acting in a way that just doesn't seem her. I guess that's what stopping me from confronting her – confusion – but it's getting harder and harder to avoid. It's so difficult, because I do love her, and I still hate the idea of hurting her, but she's really hurting me. A few days ago, after she'd unapologetically blown me off at the last minute, when we were going to meet up in the evening, I wrote this poem. I want her to see what I'm going through, but I don't think she deserves to be hurt as far as reading the poem might. It's called 'Changes': In what might have been My closest moment To true clarity, And through what felt like The fiercest words To pass through my mind, I thought, "You don't love me anymore, Despite what you think and say." But then, maybe that's not quite right, Because maybe 'you' never did. We're all changing, all the time; Dead cells, regenerated Thoughts, feelings, manipulated Not always – as you demonstrated – To the benefit of us both. I haven't stopped loving you Yet part of me wants to hate you, And I don't suppose that's fair. Like evolution, we develop for reasons - Cause and effect; Adapted by the things around us To fight against what might surround us Pull us down, inevitably ground us - To fight against my love. I always tried my hardest And always put you first, But maybe that's not what you need To feel my love's worth yours. Though I'm sure that I won't stay the same, I wouldn't become someone worse, To make you treat me like the person I am. I just wish you hadn't become 'you'. The last line in particular, jutting out above the rest of the poem against the rhyme scheme, I feel is too harsh to let her see. I think I hate what's happened, if not her, and it wouldn't make me feel better to put her through something bad if I don't have to. I guess the only reason that I'm yet to say anything is that I don't understand why she's taking this route out of things. It's weird, but she actually seems content to do what she's doing (be so impartial and uninterested) – and that's really not the person I fell in love with. It makes me think that I might be wrong – even though every other sign is suggesting that I'm right. Maybe she just doesn't see what she's doing. I just can't picture her being so apathetic. All in all, I'm just confused by everything I'm faced with, and I'm wondering what I should do, and how I should be with her. Maybe it's more obvious to someone external to my problem, but I'd be very grateful for any suggestions anyone may have. Once again, this post has been rather long, and I'm sorry; just so much to explain and describe. If there's anything more which I may have missed and you want to know, please ask. Thank you again for your time.

Music Chic and Bobby, thank you. You really helped take the edge of the pain - even if I don't believe all of it... I think it might be the best part of a week, before we talk again, and I'm still trying to think of what to say to her, to conclude things. I guess, it wouldn't be such a difficult thing to end the relationship, if it hadn't been so great, initially. It's a shame that it turned, whatever the reason, i guess i should be happy in what came before. I think I'm going to have to hold onto that, for now. I'll post again to let you know what happened. Thank you so much, again - you guys are great Adam.

Hi there. I know it's pretty selfish, making my first message on this site one where I'm looking for help, not giving it – but maybe it's just hard to imagine the extent of others' hurt, until we feel something similar ourselves. I don't know, but this certainly won't be my last post to this board; I'll offer whatever help I can to people who need it – but at the moment, I'm looking for someone to help me… During the past four months, I've been dating a girl I've been crazy about. I couldn't imagine a person I'd rather spend my time with – let alone, actually know – and the fact that I had the luck of finding her, seemed just incredible to me. For that reason, I suppose, I've been focussing so much of my energy into keeping things good between us, for the fear of being without her. I think, at times, I've been too sensitive to the way she acts, and sometimes my mind would run off with the spark of an idea that I'd be doing something wrong, and it'd bug me, and then – if it came to the surface – it was like I was hurting her more, in my efforts not to. Anyway, that's happened on and off for a while, but more recently, I'd been getting the impression that she wasn't really bothered about seeing me – I mean, she would, but it was only me making arrangements. And, much as I didn't want to think about it, she didn't really seem to be enjoying our time together, anymore. I was trying to think of things she'd prefer doing, so she'd not be so easily bored – but I came to realise, that they were only really distractions from me, from time for us to talk, and I knew that wasn't right. Telling her what I saw – that I wasn't as important an element in her life as I'd once been – has been one of the most difficult things I've ever done. I'd put it off for some time, but a couple of days ago, it got to the point where she actually seemed pretty inconsiderate towards me – something not a part of the girl I fell in love with. So… slowly and messily, it came out. She's the most difficult person to say something negative to, because she's always so kind to everyone, and I do love who she is – only, I couldn't understand why she'd turned the way she had on me. It's almost been like, my love for her has seemed so unconditional, that it wouldn't matter how she acted with me. I mean, why would it matter, if I was always going to be there for her? This wasn't my real problem, though; I couldn't bear to be with her, if I wasn't doing anything to make her happy. That's the real reason people go into relationships, isn't it – to make each other happy? If I wasn't doing that for her any more, I didn't want to be with her, wasting her time. Maybe this is where it seems to get strange: I maybe don't understand it, but I don't love her any less for the way she acted; I love her for who she is. And maybe, if I'd acted more like a real person towards her, I wouldn't have evoked the reaction she gave me. Anyway, that's the position I realised we were in, however we got there. At first, when I started to talk to her, it was hard to convince her. She said things like, "It's just as hard for me to believe how you could love me as much as I do you, as well. I guess we'll just have to trust each other", and that made it much harder. I had to say that, from the way she acted, she didn't really give me the impression that she was happy to be with me, each word cutting my mouth, as it came out. But, I told her that I wasn't going to seal things if she disagreed with what I thought, and I said she should take some time to think about everything. We met up among friends, that evening – yesterday – and unsurprisingly, didn't have much time to talk. In the short time we had alone, she said "I don't want us to split-up", but didn't really address what had bothered me. Once we went home, we met-up online and talked for hours. It was hard. I could tell that she was beginning to see what I saw, and agree. By the time she said, "I guess I haven't really been getting much out of it, lately", the reality of everything sank-in. I think I'd turned myself numb to what was actually happening, to allow myself to talk to her about it, but when I thought of actually being without her, it really hurt. We concluded that we couldn't really decide what to do at the time; I'd bombarded he with so much that day, I don't think she had long to work out what she really felt - and I couldn't process her reaction. So, she suggested that we take a break from each other for a few days, allow time for us to figure out where we really are. And that's where I am now. I don't know what to think, or what to do. I'm so scared that I was right about what I saw, and I'd be surprised if she said anything but "You're right", when we next talk. One thing I can't get out of mind though, is how we left each other last night. Abruptly, she said, "Jeez, I can't believe this is happening", but I guess it's just from the immediatey of everything. When I left, I said, "For what it's worth, I do love you.", and she replied, "I know and I love you loads back." I just can't help but think that there's something very wrong with that. Why is it happening? Why do I love her, and why are we breaking up? I'm sorry that this post has been so long, but I felt it important to explain what came before. I guess I'm just hoping that someone can advise me what to think. I just don't know where to look to make me feel better. Am I doing the right thing? When I meet up with her, should I be saying, "Well, it looks like we shouldn't be together – the pain isn't worth the good times", or "I think we should try again, start anew; this has been too incredible to just give up on"? But maybe I won't have that option. I just need help. Thank you, in advance. Adam.