fallinstar

Blade, Wow~ i think this is one of the tougher cases that i read about... It must really be tough on you, being trapped in the middle and yet having to strike a balance between both your relatives and your mom. Blade, for starters, i'm not even sure whether i am qualified to talk to you about this or not... I'm a church counsellor but i counsel mostly youths. Juz wan to be honest with you... Here goes my 2 cents worth of advice. I read thru ur entire article. Your mom needs help. Everyone knows that. However, i feel that you cant force or threathen her. Psychologically speaking, yes, she will be on the road to recovery once she takes the 1st step. But, this is really in theory only. Coz, recovery has alot to do with self-will. No one can force a horse to drink water. Your mom needs a lot of love and encouragement right now. Not shouting, scolding or threats. She is not a kid. she doesnt need to be coaxed into going for treatment. Reason being, you can't. She's an adult. BUT, all people need love. Love is able to soften the hardest heart if applied in the right way, right quantity and the right direction. What she really needs now is : LOVE. Ask yourself, WHY does she keep on going back to the boyfriend? Why does she complain that your dad is unable to provide her love? Why does she regret not having fun last time? Notice the pattern here~ These are the things that the boyfriend is providing her now. Fun, love, care, concern, the thrill on cheating on your dad, escape from stressed up environments. No more responsibilities. Of course she will not want to go back~ Pardon me for saying this.. but from what you describe in ur posting, i think your family lacks a touch of warmth and love. Even your relatives are like that. True expression of love is not like this. Allow me to quote you a verse from the bible: 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 "Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in inquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails..." Love bears all things. It is longsuffering. Meaning of longsuffering is that you may suffer for long periods of time just for this person. It also means you need to have patience. Blade, have lots of patience with your mother. You need it, else b4 your mom goes for treatment, your family will fall apart 1st. You need to hold the family together. Your dad is currently nursing his own hurts of your mother. Look to your dad's needs. He needs you. He needs your encouragement and your support. He needs your kind words and your love. You will need to tell him to be very patient and try to get him back on his feet. Tell him that your mom needs him even more now! He really needs to be extra loving to her! Shopping is not an act of love... He muz start loving her from his heart, accept that it is partly his fault that she turned out this way and that now, he must make restitutions to her. Your mom may not be completely wrong... you see, volcano eruptions dont juz happen overnight.... they take years of building up the pressure before they finally blow... get the picture? Your mom is like this volcano. Years of building up with no release, no one to listen to her to relieve stress, didnt get the kind of love and affection she expected from your dad when going thru tough times... The problem dun juz lie with your mom... it lies with your dad also. Truth is: Your mom needs help for her stress... but, what she really needs is LOVE. You cant see a counselor for that. She needs love and support from all of you. Chances are, she is juz as confused. You need to get your family around to rally behind her. Defend your mother in front of your relatives. As a son, show her that you really care about her. Do something nice for your mother. She will really appreciate it. When was the last time that you actually did something nice for her? (remember you need to be very patient in doing this- results varies from case to case) Eg, surprise her at home with a special candle light dinner juz her and your dad. Try to rekindle the flame between your dad and your mom. If u manage to succeed, then her recovery is almost complete. She doesnt need that boyfriend. What she needs, is really your dad. She need your dad to be there for her whenever she needs him. She needs your dad to be strong for her. She needs your dad to defend her whenever she needs protection. She needs your dad to shelter her, listen to her whenever she is stressed out. She needs your dad's love. Not a psychologist... Put yourself in her shoes. Think... how would you feel, if you are a woman and you are in her shoes. The whole world is against you, asking you to go for treatment when all you wanted was someone to love you. Especially when its your own family that don't understand you, your heart literally break into pieces. Well, think about it. She is sick in the heart, not in the mind. The mind is juz the surface. The heart of the problem is really the problem of the heart... Think about it. Hope it helps brother. God bless you. I will pray for you, whoever and wherever you are. Fallinstar.

Think you must really be in pain and turmoil with all these issues in your mind... 1st and foremost, i think you are really a great mother and you have done your duities as a mother - thus, you are really free to make this decision with just YOU in mind. Though i am not married, no kids, however, i understand what you go through... coz i came from a family background that is almost exactly the same as yours. My mom got married at 15, had the 1st child at 15. My father had since passed away but he was really a wife abuser and worse, a womaniser. My mom stuck it out with him till he passed on. amazing? i think so too... But my mom said she did it for us, not to have a broken family.. but, that's for you to decide. I feel that... you should stick with your husband and forget your boyfriend. 2 wrongs doesn't make 1 right. You may think that leaving your husband is the best thing, but... who can tell if your present boyfriend may end up doing the same! Remember how u got hitched to your husband the 1st time? Don't let history repeat itself. I also cant say for sure if your husband really meant what he says. however, he still is your husband. You should talk to him on how to reconcile. That both of you need to seek family conselling and he needs to go and see a doctor and a counselor for his condition. Talk. Really talk to him... with no intention of divorce but of reconciliation. Think of how to remedy the situation. MARRIAGE IS FOR LIFE. Remember your marriage vows... Give your husband a chance to change. Sometimes, men need wakeup calls like this to change. Well, in fact lots of ppl are like that. He may still love you after all... The choice is yours. Take care. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "When the going gets tough.... life goes on"

I think swingfox is right abt this... you should really ask her how she feels towards you and let her know that her actions are really giving you mixed signals. Give her some time to cool down, and give yourself sometime to think about it carefully. Is this the kind of relationship that you want to get into? Coz when there's a 1st, there will be more of these similar outbursts coming up... high chance its due to her insecurity/inferior complex... find out, ask her.. if so, then re-assure her that your feelings for her are real... nothing to do with her twin sister. if need be, apologise! "Sorry" costs nothing but mean everything if done with sincerity. Even if she is the one that is over sensitive, you can still apologise for the misunderstanding. Suggestion: make her feel loved, not even more inferior. Well, there's all i can say~ all the best to you~~

Help!! Need advice~~ i like my friend and she is 4 yrs older than i am... what should i do?? I told her before that i like her but she rejected me once.. but that was 6 mths ago... what should i do now? Should i try again? Or i shouldnt even like someone older than me in the 1st place?? confused