hugmeup

If you look at my other posts you will see that I am a very insecure, needy and obsessive woman with a very low self esteem. I met a man on an online dating site about a month ago. He lives in another state and we hit it off really well. We chatted, IM'd and talked on the phone too. Things got hot and he said he thought he was falling in love and I felt the same way. I put up my web cam and he saw what I looked like and I had his picture from the dating site. Since he was going to be in Las Vegas the first week of December with a friend, he asked me to come out and meet him since vegas is closer to me. I went for the last 2 days he was there. The night before he left to Vegas he sounded very nervous and talked about how he was afraid that I would not like him because he looked so much older than he was. He has a low self esteem problem too. We met and I was attracted to him. We talked and walked around for a while. Then he was going to go to the store and he told me he would call me in my room when he got back so we could get together. He didn't call that night and I was so hurt. But he called the next morning apologizing. He said he and his friend went into a comedy club, started having a few drinks and he didn't get back until 3am. He asked me out to breakfast and I accepted. We went out to breakfast (his friend was with us). Then we went walking on the strip when he took my hand and I could feel the connection. When we got back to the hotel he came up to my room with me where we looked into each other's eyes and kissed. His kisses were very passionate and we made love. He is not well endowed and he was not able to satisfy me but I felt good anyway. When we parted he said he would miss me and that he loved me and I reciprocated. He said that we would make arrangements to meet again. Anyway, that was December 6th and since then we have IM'd each other, chatted and have expressed our love for each other. We have even talked about my coming up to live with him sometime in April because it is so cold out there right now. The problem's I have are several. First I am scared to death. Not about moving in with him but about making the changes to move. I have to make some irreversible decisions and changes to my life. I freak out when I don't hear from him for the whole day and then start doubting him and our relationship. I don't tell him how I am feeling though and I feel better when he IM's me. Then it's the same thing the next day. I am ok until so many hours have gone by without hearing from him. For instance we chatted last night for one hour and he hasn't contacted me since and 24 hrs have gone by. I have too much time on my hands. I don't have a life and he does. He works full time and has a little girl that he loves dearly and sees every weekend. I am getting very depressed, anxious and paniky. I don't know what to do. There are times when I talk to myself and say "Just forget about it and let it go". But I do feel that I love him. What do I do????? How do I deal with my insecurity and fear????

Yes Batya, that is true but he is in Missouri and I am in California. Even though I've decided not to continue in this particular situation, I'd like to get your view on what to do when someone is so far away. Who knows I might be attracted to someone that is in another State.

Well, I got off the net and did a few things. However, when I came back he IM'd me twice. Once "Hello darling" Second "Still waiting for you to come sit where this computer is". So now what do I do????? I've got butterflies inside of me. (LOL) Ok, I'm not going to IM him. I am going shopping instead. He is 30 and I am 56 Isn't that crazy!!!! He is cute too!!!!

Grokker I know you are right. I should have read your first post over again before I emailed him. Can't do anything about it now. Anyway, he is online now and hasn't IM'd me so I'm going to get offline and do something else. I have a tendency to obsess about things and this is one of them (LOL). I'm learning the hard way.

Thank you Grokker for so much good information. Let me tell you a little about this situation. He was hurt very badly 10 yrs ago. His girlfriend got involved with his brother and had a baby. He doesn't trust easily and the first 2 nights of chat were great. I had just emailed him my pic and he sent me 3 IM's!!!! Once, in the course of our first conversation, I asked him if I should put my pic on loveaccess and he said "No, It's just for me". Last night after I asked him if he had thought about where or when we would meet and he said no, I asked again if I should put my pic on the dating site. He said "Evidently you want to so go ahead". I think this was his distrust talking and thats when he got upset. Then he told me that he didn't like to be asked the same question because he gets it all the time at work and it makes him nuts. So I told him I wouldn't do it because I didn't want for him to go nuts. LOL Then I said that I had been thinking. What if one of our computers went down, we wouldn't be able to talk anymore. He said that would be too bad. I felt a bit of coldness and I think he was already upset because of my asking about putting the pic on the site. Our conversation was very short and he didn't say "sweet dreams darling" like the other times. He just said nite and that was it. He was gone. The times we talked before, he called me baby, darling and was very sweet. But this time NOTHING. I emailed him today after thinking long and hard. I said: Hello Brent, I'm not sure where or how to start. I think you got upset with me last night and I feel bad about it. I understand how hard it is for you to trust. I've been hurt too and I guess that little bit of insecurity in me just wanted to hear you say how I was just for you when I asked that question again. Also what I said about one of our computers going down and not being able to talk to each other. What I should have said is that I hope it would never happen because I'd miss you. Honey, I get emails from loveaccess telling me about someone being interested in me but I don't even go there except to look at your picture again. It would be nice if we could meet as soon as possible. Maybe when you go to Vegas in December. Hope we talk again soon. Mary I just sent it out and I hope it was ok. I am in California and he is in Missouri Thanks again for the advice and keep it coming. It helps

I've been out of the dating scene for over 2yrs and just got onto link removed I met this guy and we talked for about 3 days. He is nice and I liked him. He seemed to like me too but we ran out of things to say and tonight he seemed colder that the other 2 nights. My problem is that I get stuck on one person. I am very needy and have a low self esteem. I'm trying not to come off this way but I'm not sure if I am doing it right. I found myself asking him questions like "have you given any thought as to where or when we are going to meet?" He said no and that made me feel bad. Why do I feel bad if I've only talked to him a few days? Why do I want him to take it all the way with me? I get this panicky feeling inside of me and can't sleep. I am so afraid of rejection and I'm afraid to continue on this venture. I think I am going to scare them all away and that I won't be able to deal with the feelings I have inside. Is it just me or are there anymore like me out there?

Oh Dear: I think I made a big mistake. I have other friends on pogo and tonight when one was looking for me he couldn't find me (he is just a nice friend) and I couldn't see him either. So that means that maybe Josh wasn't blocking me and that the site maybe doesn't always show you where the players are. Anyway, since I sent the the message I posted earlier Josh hasn't played all night. I feel so bad even knowing that it wasn't going to work out. Because maybe he wasn't blocking me and I accused him of doing it. Please help

Well I didn't take your advice soon enough. After he got home from being on the road and sent me the message saying he was home, I sent him an email telling him that I knew he was playing and that I knew he was blocking me. Shortly after that he sent me a message saying "you are so funny, I swear!!!" Anyway, at this point I was able to see him and went to the room where he was at. I said "hi" and he said "this isn't Josh its Frank his cousin" I asked him that if he wasn't Josh then why did he read the mail I sent and why did he send me a message. He said because he thought it was funny and he started telling me how Josh was crazy about me and how he talks about me all the time and that Josh was working and that he had to go back to work right away. He went on and on about how Josh wanted for me to tell him how I felt about him and STUPID me said that I was crazy about him too and that there were so many things about him that I loved. Then he started flirting with me and said something sexually explicit. I told him to STOP IT and for him not to disrespect me. After that he said "it's ok baby" and I said "is this you Josh?" and he said yes. Well I was surprized but happy that it was him and I told him how I felt about him too. Anyway, the gamesite went down shortly after that and we didn't see each other for the rest of the night. Today, Thursday Oct. 26th, I went to pogo and he was blocking me again so this time I felt really angry about it and I sent him an email saying: Ok Josh here goes: I didn't want to do this until I was sure and NOW I am. You say my emails are crazy and funny but I am not STUPID. I can see that you are playing because at 9:30 your token balance was 589262 at 9:41 it was 591260 and at 9:51 it was 591385 but I can't see where you are (so you have me blocked). I gave you the opportunity to stop blocking me when I told you that I wasn't going to look for you everytime you were on. I know we aren't exclusive (damn we haven't even met yet) but you led me to believe that I was special and since we hadn't talked for so many days (well you know). Anyway, I'm tired of you playing with my mind and my heart. It was so mean of you to pretend that you were your cousin last night and I feel like a fool telling you how I felt (in that sense I was stupid)!!! You are really good at what you do Josh but this woman isn't going to fall for your lies. Take me off of your friends list. Delete my picture and emails. Forget my phone number and forget about me. After I sent this I cried and I hope I can get over it soon. I feel bad and sad but this was going no where and I was becoming too obsessed and anxious. Please send me your comments and opinions I truly appreciate it more than you know.

survictor: When I read your post today I cried because I've pretty much been in denial about exactly what you said. I'd been thinking along the same lines, especially with his blocking me when he is playing on pogo. He spends hours playing games (same as me). Anyway after I noticed that he was doing this, (I've never told him that I could tell when he was playing) I sent him an email telling him that I knew, that before he met me he probably played alot like I do and, told him that I wasn't going to look for him everytime I saw him playing. I told him that I thought it was only fair for him to be able to relax and play until he felt like talking. I told him that it was alright and for him to send me a message or look for me when he wanted to get together (I thought that this would ease his mind and he wouldn't block me anymore. Besides, I swear I wouldn't follow him around like a lost puppy. His response was that it was a crazy email I had sent him because it sounded like I was saying that he didn't want to talk to me. But as I've said in previous posts he continues to block me until he wants to talk. My son came over today as I was reading your post so I shared my story with him (my son is 30yrs old). He, of course, agreed with you and said that I should do exactly what you advised. Anyway, I've cried my heart out and feel very emotionally drained. I appreciate your bluntness and agree with you. Now I have to push myself to do what needs to be done. I hope I make it thru this difficult situation.

Dear Sweet Honey Pumpkin, The gamesite is link removed and its free but both Josh and I (as well as thousands of other players (around the world) belong to club pogo for a yearly fee. I play Canasta, Spades and many other games there and you can chat with the other players too. Its really a lot of fun. If you like to play cards, puzzles, word games and many, many other games you can sign up free and once you do you can put me on your friends list. My user name is mct7275 Then you can send me a message with your user name and I can send you a free pass to club pogo (If you like). I don't know why he blocks me but he's done it several times and later at night he will send me a message at the site. He usually says: "hi hun" or "hey baby" or "I tried to talk to you but the room was full" or "Where the heck are you baby". Then he will let me see where he is or he will look for me. I started playing here because I am pretty much homebound with my very dissabled daughter. Yes he sent me a picture of himself and he is a regular looking guy with a great smile. I know how he took hold of my heart. He is so damned sweet and seemed to be so down to earth. I fell in love with him after 3 nights of chatting and playing. In order to get out I would need to hire someone for my daughter and its somewhat difficult for me financially. Not impossible but hard to do. My daughter must have full time care for all of her needs. She can't speak (she is 25yrs old) and she has self abusive behaviors. I've cried alot today and feel somewhat better. I didn't necessarily play just for him to look for me. But while playing I found myself hoping that I would see him. I've thought about staying off the PC for a while but it is my only outlet for fun. DAMN!!!!! How I wish he hadn't started flirting with me. But I can't change that. However, he did do me a favor by bringing out my womanly desires. That could be why I feel so much for him too. Keep in mind that I hadn't felt anything (urge or sensation for years).

Today is not a good day for me. Last night I went to the gamesite and he left me a message "hey baby, I'm home" (he had been on the road). I had been feeling better before his message so I guess it brought back the obsessive type of feelings and I wanted him to look for me so bad. I played for about 3 hours and he never came to look for me. He was playing because I could see his token balance and he had me blocked so I couldn't see where he was. I wonder if he does this to lots of other women. After I got off about 3am the second guy I met called me and we had a good time so Josh was off of my mind and I slept well. This morning, however, I feel depressed and I can't seem to get a handle on it. I feel like emailing him and telling him not to leave me anymore messages and to forget about me, I have the option to block him from sending me any messages at this gamesite too but I can't get up the courage to do any of the above mentioned. Please Help Me

Ok, here goes: I went to the game site tonight and couldn't have fun because I kept hoping that he would look for me. I used to have so much fun at this game site laughing, talking and having a good time. I couldn't stay there so I went to a chat room and it was a nice one. Well, this guy took a liking to me and he asked for a private chat. He asked me my age and I told him the truth. We talked for a while and we clicked in the sex department. I gave him my number and he called me and it was UNBELIEVABLE!!! Best of all I'm not infactuated, or obsessed or anything. I just felt so good (thanks to your helping me to understand that its ok to release my womanly desire). After we said goodnight I was so hungry so I ate and went to the gamesite again and for the first time since I met him I had a great time playing with no thoughts about him. I am ready to start learning how to love myself. I feel so happy and content. Thank you so very much for your support, kindness and advice. I hope I feel the same when I wake up tomorrow. LOTS OF LOVE Mary

Thank you so very much Honey Pumpkin. I'm not sure where to start but I will try to work on the advice you are giving me.

Thank you again for your responses and advice. It's Saturday and I just got up. Today I feel depressed, alone, sad and a little panicky (I've suffered from an anxiety/panic disorder since 1976). I guess this is normal and hopefully these feelings will go away soon. I find myself looking in the mirror and saying "You look so old and tired" Then I cry. You see none of my husbands ever loved me for who I am inside. I got married the first time because I was pregnant and my husband really wanted a tall, slender (model type) slinky long haired woman and he told me so many times. That marriage lasted 4yrs. The second man I married asked me out on a dare. You see I was a secretary and several of the men asked me out but I declined (either I wasn't attracted or I knew they were married). After we had been seeing each other he told me he liked my personality. However, he turned out to be a mean, unaffectionate alcoholic who was always put me down. He was here illegally and I fixed his papers and encouraged him to get a better job (which he did and came up on the financial end). That marriage lasted 12yrs. My third husband was 11yrs younger than me and told me after a few dates that I wasn't his type. I slapped him and went on my way. Shortly after that he began persuing me again. When I met him he sold cocaine (he quit selling this after we were together for a few months), didn't have a car or a job and again was here illegally. He was good to me but my mother said "Sure he's good to you he doesn't have to work". Anyway (after 7yrs), I got into the property management business so he would have to learn maintenance. Before this change I took in medically fragile children. My ex now had a career and papers to live in the USA legally. He started running around and left me after 17yrs. Ok, I know I can't live in the past but I am so upset and disappointed with myself for settling just to feel loved and wanted and because I have such a low self esteem. I've isolated myself for 2+yrs and I also have a daughter that I took in at 6 months of age and now she is 25. She is profoundly developmentally disabled and I take care of everything from brushing her teeth, changing her diaper and so on and so forth. I lost my home (I was buying when I met my 3rd husband and made some bad investment decisions). I lost my job (free apartment, utilities and cable when he left me (we had been hired as a team and the owner needed two people on the property). With a broken heart, tears I found another job but was not ready emotionally so I lost that one too. Anyway now I dedicate myself to my daughter. Can you see that I've spent all of my life taking care of others and not myself. I don't know what is going to happen to me. I thought that I could live this way (alone) until it was time to leave this earth and now THIS situation with the guy on the internet game site. I don't want to settle again but I feel so needy since I met him and yes I am very obsessed with him. Yes I am feeling sorry for myself and how I wish I could feel normal but I don't know how. The way I see it I am afraid of rejection and afraid of being hurt because I've been hurt so much. I know you aren't professionals but your comments and advice really help. Please keep it coming my way.

Thank you for your responses and advice. Yes I lied about my age (impulsively) thinking that this wasn't going to lead to anything and yes I am becoming obsessed with him. I find myself coming home to see if he has emailed me or if he is on the gamesite. There are somethings about him that I probably couldn't live with. For instance he is a country boy (which is ok) but he says he is a redneck and a rebel. I searched the term redneck to get an understanding as to its meaning. He says he hates black people and used an unsavory word to describe them. He says he isn't prejudice as we discussed my origin which is hispanic. He says nothing bothers him and he doesn't give a f--k about much. Yet he can be so damned sweet. I am so confused!!!!!!! The last time we talked was Wednesday late well into the wee hours of Thursday morning. He told me that he was going to be gone from Thursday night until Sunday or Monday (He is a truck driver) but I know he was playing for several hours last night Thusday because of his token balance. But he was blocking me because I couldn't see where he was (which is ok because he needs his space) and if I could see where he was, I wouldn't look for him unless he sent me a message on the site first. Normally he will block me and play and then later in the night he will send me a message and I can see where he is. Then we get together. I find myself listening to country music when I am in the car and I cry sometimes. I am so beside myself because I think about him so much and miss him. When we talked he said he couldn't stop thinking about me, fantasizing about me and that he was crazy about me. Today I went out and bought facial items and dye for my hair because I know that I have to start caring about myself. I've pretty much let myself go in the last 2+ yrs. A part of me hopes he doesn't contact me anymore and I keep saying to myself that it would be for the best and a big part of me wants this to continue. I have a very low self esteem and am overweight. I was the girl, woman with a pretty face and a great personality. Its ironic because in the picture I sent him I was thin and he said I needed to gain some weight because he likes chunky women. I look in the mirror and I see and old tired woman. Then I look closer and see the pretty eyes and baby face. All of my husbands were younger than me. The last one was 11yrs younger. I think I feel trashy, cheap (because of the online sex) because of my upbringing and because of the years of permiscuity and I wonder if he doesn't have a low opinion of me because of our sexual encounters. He was really explicit about how he wanted to f--k me and he described so many things he wanted to do to me (it makes me feel ashamed even writing this). He even said that if I was with someone else sexually I should think about him. I am uneasy about this. Ok about what I am going to do. Well I've thought about it and I want to tell him the truth (about my age) and deal with whatever happens even though I know I'm going to feel like crap for a while. Please keep the replies coming as it helps to read them. I am so glad I found this site.

About 2 weeks ago this guy started flirting with me on a game site I play at. I didnt think this was going to go far and since I knew he was 29, I told him I was 35 (but I'm 56). I'm not sure what happened but after 12 yrs of absolutely no need or feeling for sex (because of a medication side effect I thought), this guy made me feel things I didn't think I could feel anymore. We exchanged pictures (I sent him a younger one of myself) and, after 2 nights of playing games, talking (about 4hrs each night) and him being really sweet and somewhat sexually explicit he asked me for my phone number. I gave him my cell number because I didn't think it could be traced. Well I guess I don't have to tell you what happened but it was unbelievable!! Since then he looks for me at the game site and called me again last night. The problems are many as far as my emotional and psycological health is concerned. I have a strong tendency to be compulsive and if he didn't look for me I would feel bad, sad, panicky, anxious and would check to see if he was playing or not. Since we are on each others friends list I could tell by his token balance that he was playing and normally I would be able to see where he was. Since I couldn't see where he was, I knew that he was blocking me. So I thought "ok this is good because it should end". But then (I guess when he was done playing) he would look for me and I responded. I'll tell you I cried my heart out because I had spent the last 2 and a half yrs. alone, comfortable and content. I wanted to be the way I had been with no need or urge for sex. But at the same time I liked the feeling. I'll give you a short backround of my life. My mother was an alcoholic and was verbally and emotionally abusive. I was sexually abused at about 12 and became very permiscuous and I confused sex with love. I married when I was 19 but he was a transvestite (I found out about 5 months after I married) I couldn't deal with it so I divorced after 4 yrs. I married the second time and he turned out to be a mean alcoholic. After 2 children and a breakdown I divorced again. Then I married the 3rd time and he was nice except he had affairs that I found out about 17yrs into the marriage. He left me when I was asleep one night. I guess I don't blame him for the affairs because I was depressed alot and had the sexual disfunction. Anyway, after really never being alone most of my life I thought I had found peace and contentment until I met this guy. Now I can't even go to the gamesite without feeling anxiety. A part of me wants to change my cell number and block him from being able to see where I am playing but a very strong part of me wants more attention from him. I feel so trashy and I feel as though I have lost my self respect because of the phone sex. I've been in and out of therapy for about 13yrs. but its been a long time since I've had to seek help (I don't have insurance so I couldn't afford it anyway). I don't know what to do with my feelings. I don't want to go out to social things because I am afraid. I didn't think I needed to be loved anymore. I thought that part of my life was over. I can't sleep, eat, and I feel so bad. I'm not sure if he will try to communicate with me again (its only been one day since we last talked). I have mixed feelings and I don't think I have the strength to let go of this situation. Please help

I hadn't read everything before I posted and yes what you say is true Red Queen. Captain at this point, you have done all you can do. Now is the time to wait just a bit and if she does not respond to your call then you will have to deal with the feelings and emotions of it being absolutely over but at least you won't be so up in the air about everything and you will know that you gave it your best shot. Tex is so very right you did it all and now its up to her.

I think that so many women would love to know that a man feels so deeply about her. I don't know how long you were together, why she broke up with you or how solid your relationship was before the breakup. Anyway, I think it is important for her to know your feelings. Then she can make a decision based on your honesty with her.