hugmeup
-
Posts
129 -
Joined
Content Type
Profiles
Forums
Articles
Videos
Blogs
Store
Everything posted by hugmeup
-
You are sooooo right blender and I was feeling so much better until I heard from him again. One email and all of the feelings and emotions surfaced again. He emailed me again today saying that he wants to talk to me. So I guess the ball is in my court. I have not emailed him back and am going to drop the damned ball. God Bless You and have a Merry Christmas and may the New Year bring you Health, Peace and Happiness
-
No nmae, I haven't talked to him yet. I have all of his personal information i.e. address, phone number, full name but don't know how to go about getting jail info on him. I have cried so much because I feel that I love him but I am tired of crying and wondering.
-
Update: I hadn't talked to him since the 13th and thought he wouldn't contact me again. The night before last he emailed me and told me that he had been in jail and that he needed to straighten some things out in his life and move forward. I emailed him back and told him that I was sorry he had been in jail and that I hoped all would go well with him. I told him that I figured, by his email, that what we had (short as it had been) was over and wished him well. Well he emailed me back last night and said that he was sorry I had taken it that way. He said he hadn't gotten any sleep for a week and had to walk home from jail which took 5 hrs and had to walk to work and back at 2 and an half hrs each way. He said that he didn't want to bring me into the he was going thru and that it wasn't over between us. He said he loved me and wanted to see me in his life but that I should do what my heart told me to do and that he would not hold anything against me. What do you think of all this????? blender where are you??? I need you.
-
Hello everyone Well he never called me and yes I should be thankful that I didn't invest more time into this thing ( whatever it was ). I just feel so let down and hurt. Blender I keep reading your replies to me and it helps so much.
-
Yes blender, I can let go for tonight. Love your straight forward, kind and sometimes blunt but true words. Mary
-
I also think about the fact that this guy could not satisfy my sexually because he was too small. I know he is not for me. He stood me up the first night I was in Vegas and it cost me money as well a arranging care for my daughter to go there. All he had to say was "I Love You" to win me over to the point of not wanting to let go. I can't allow this!!!!! I have to let go of this whole situation!!!!! Please keep responding blender. Thank you, Mary
-
I forgot to mention that I had my first nervous breakdown when I was 16yrs old. I spent many years of my life hating my mother and step dad (who just died a week ago). I forgave my mom when I was in my mid 30's. My kids felt that I picked my last husband over their needs ( they are right ) and we are not close. My mother was so jealous of everyone that she did not allow for me to build healthy or close relationships with aunts, uncles, cousins or anyone else for that matter. I know I cannot live in the past and I don't dwell on these things but I do know that all of this has molded my life and the way I am now.
-
You know blender, I have had a very hard life as I am sure others have as well. I subconsciously learned the control thing from my mother who controlled me to the point where at 2 yrs of age I didn't move from the chair until she allowed it. She was an alcoholic and was emotionally and psycologically abusive. I was sexually abused at 12 yrs of age and became VERY permiscuous and confused sex with love. I was needy even then because if a guy paid attention to me I thought I was loved and I felt the same urges to call, look for and run after him if he left me. I've always had self-esteem issues because of my weight, frizzy hair (when I was a kid) and suffered terribly in school. I married when I was 19 because I was pregnant. My then husband compared me to model like women and after 4 yrs and 2 kids we divorced. I jumped into another relationship with an undocumented, alcoholic man who was not affectionate after a while. He was mean and used to put me down a lot. He asked me out on a bet with the guys in the factory. They thought I wouldn't accept because I had refused others because they were not my type or married. He told me that I was not his type but fell for my personality and good heart (so he said). After 12 yrs and 2 kids that ended in divorce. He left the marriage with papers and a very good job that I encouraged him to go for. Then I jumped into another relationship with a man who was also undocumented, had no job and was selling cocaine when I met him. I always settled. I guess it was subconscious again because I didn't think I could do any better and this man told me what I wanted to hear. He quit selling the drugs after a while but my kids suffered because of it. Again in the beginning of the relationship he told me I was not his type one time and I slapped him and left but he pursued me and I hooked up with him. After 17 yrs he left me for another woman. Even after I found out about the affair I told him that I didn't care and he could be with both of us. He told me to have some self respect. I was devastated and had to go on but my life has gone downhill since. When I ended up in the hospital in 1987 they put me on antidepressants that turned off any and all sexual desire and I pretended with my last husband for 10 yrs. During the 2 and a half years that I have been alone I felt very content because I didn't feel the need or desire for a man. Then one night on October 4th this year, a man came on to me at a gamesite and I felt a rush of sexual desire that I thought was gone forever. Thats when I started looking again and put myself on a dating site. I am not ready for a relationship I realize that because of all the emotional baggage I carry and I wish I could be the woman without the desire again because I see all the reactions from the past surfacing. I have to start doing things for myself but I don't know how to start at 56 yrs of age. I should look for God again. Keep talking to me blender. I need it.
-
Blender I see what you are saying. You mean that I shouldn't make any choices as to the outcome of situations that just have to take it's course. I used to be close to the lord but I've strayed and don't feel worthy anymore. Trusting fate and god is good but not myself for now. Maybe later when I've learned to make better choices and decisions. If he doesn't call then I will go thru what I've been experiencing for the last couple of days but not as bad because I know the feelings will pass if I just find something to do to occupy my time. I have too much time on my hands and nothing to do for my own enjoyment. I've just rented out a room in my house to a couple of girls. Since I have a very developmental and physically disabled 25 yr old daughter whose needs have kept me pretty much homebound, I am thinking that one of these girls will care for her a little so I can go to a senior center or something. A part of me wants to tell this guy (if he calls) that I can't continue in the relationship. Another part of me wants to just let it be and see what happens. I think the latter is the better.
-
Blender, I am going to be very honest as I have all along. The fact of the matter is that no I do not feel much better. I've been hard on myself for calling because at one point you mentioned that if I didn't call him I would feel a small sense of good if he initiated the contact. Well I wish I would have waited and I still feel panicky because who says he is going to call me and if he doesn't I'll have to start all over again. I have to make better choices for my own good. I feel as though I should make the choice to make that this thing with him has ended. Then I believe that I will feel better.
-
Oh blender you are so wise and such a help to me. I wll read and re-read your words of wisdom. Thank you so very much. Now how hard should I be on myself for calling him????? I'm not sure how I feel right now. Well I do feel like a fool.
-
I am so STUPID!!!!! Only 15 minutes left and I called him. He said that he's been going to rapid city for the last 3 days and hasn't been home. I told him that I wanted to face this straight on if there was something wrong with us. Told him that I thought that maybe he didn't like that I called his friend and the hospitals. Told him that I didn't want to be a pain in the butt!!!!!!! He said he was going to be home tonight and that he would contact me but now I feel like a fool.
-
The hard part is not to react to the overwhelming (panicky) urge to contact him. Guess the urge will go away like it did tonight.
-
I have an anxiety, panic disorder and although I doubt that I will have a major panic attack, I don't like the feeling. As it is I have a hard time functioning when I am depressed and I don't want to end up so sick like I did in 1987 when I ended up in the hospital with a severe depression. Guess this is progress: it is 6:30pm and at 7pm he will be off of work and I will not have called him.
-
I didn't say thank you Blender. Thank you so very much for helping me through this difficult situation.
-
I guess I am already going thru the bad feelings that would come along if he decided that he doesn't want to take this any further. The depression is the worse. Waking up with that panicky feeling inside. I would continue to feel unloved and lonely. I am not well emotionally. I feel calmer though. Not sure for how long but it is almost 5pm here and he will be off of work in 3 hrs and I really don't have the urge to call as bad right now.
-
I want to call him to feel in control of the situation and to ask him if we can talk about it later tonight or tomorrow. Nothing good will come from it. He will say that everything is ok and that he loves me. He will call me baby again. If I were to call him I will feel like I am begging and will feel terrible about myself. Because right now I have nothing. I found him online and he became my everything. ( Isn't that stupid? ) No he is not my god. He is a man that fell in love with the loving, caring, good woman that I am. No he does not validate my exsistance. But nothing else does at this time. Yes I am a wonderful, kind, loving woman without him. But I am so very needy and starving for love.
-
DN he gets off work in 4 and a half hours. So I need to do something to keep me from calling for that length of time as well as for all the other times the urge may come to call him. Blender you are so right!!! Fact is I have no self respect no will power but this has got to be one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do. I am very lonely and can only take a few minutes at a time right now. I WON'T CALL HIM!!!! I WON'T CALL HIM!!!! IT IS SO VERY HARD BUT I WON'T CALL HIM!!!! CRYING
-
Please Help!!!!!! I Want To Call Him!!!!!!! I Am Fighting It But The Feeling To Call Is So Strong!!!!!!
-
I know you care blender and I am crying because all of this hurts so much. I want to call him so very much but I am fighting it. I did IM him telling him that what I had done by calling his friend and the hospitals was a bit much and telling him that I wanted to know if he had a change of heart. I told him that we needed to talk about it openly and honestly. This was before I read your latest post to me.
-
hazey amber: Yes I was truly concerned. It is now that I am feeling rejected and neglected. blender: You are so right. I'm not sure why I am so needy and desperate. All I know is that I've never had a man love me for who I am and I've pretty much taken care of my ex husbands. Yes I need help and in the meantime I feel like I am dying inside.
-
Thank you blender, for the kind words. It is too late as far as me not trying to contact him. I tried him at work this morning and his boss said that he said to take a name and number and he would get back to whoever was calling him. It is Saturday, December 16th and the last time I heard from him was Wednesday, December 13th in the afternoon. His last words to me were Love You. I know what happened now. He had been VERY sick with what he thought was pneumonia and on the morning of the 12th I called him. He sounded so bad and said he wasn't going to work and was going to the doctor. Anyway when he didn't contact me at all that day or night to let me know how things went at the doctor I got very worried that he might have been admitted to the hospital. So I called his friend to ask him if he knew the names of the hospitals in the area and I called the hospitals to see if he was there. How stupid was that!!!!!!! Is it obsession????? I was truly concerned!!!!! It was the following day that he IM'd me and we chatted. During the course of the conversation I told him what I had done and asked him if he was upset with me for calling his friend. He said: "no, why would I be" I told him about calling the hospitals because I had been so worried. Do you think this scared him off?? I have a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I am so sad and upset with myself for being the way I am. Any comments would be appreciated no matter how hard it is for me to take.
-
You are right batya33 I do remember the night he stood me up and wonder if he is just leading me on. hazey_amber: no this isn't the 30 yr. old guy I am really sick emotionally and cannot afford therapy. But I feel like I should try to let these feeling pass as hard as they are. I have the ucky feeling in my gut and so sad and anxious. The last IM I sent him was Wednesday evening. It said "Hope you had a good day. Miss you, Love you, Mary I don't want to lose anymore of my self respect by sending anything else.
-
ok so today makes 48 hrs that he hasn't been in touch with me and I feel bad about it. I've made a strong effort not to IM or call him but it is so hard. Please help me.
-
I know and maybe that is why I am feeling so out of control. I don't have any outside activities and have been pretty much homebound for 2 and a half years. One of the problems with meeting with him again would be the finances involved. Neither of us has the money it would take to do that soon.