laboheme

I think there needs to be a healthy balance between the two. I agree that a whirlwind romance can lead to bitter disappointment because there is no solid foundation to the relationship, only physical attraction. However, if you have to convince yourself to like the guy and force yourself to go on those first few dates on him, hoping that you'll end up liking him enough to consider a relationship, that's also no good. So I'd say that you don't have to be completely enamored with him after the first date...but you also have to be intrigued enough to want a second date without major prodding by other people.

I would normally say that if the items aren't valuable, just let it go and pretend that you didn't get the email. But since you work together, eventually contact will become unavoidable, so I think it's acceptable to just grab the items and go. Be careful not to make a scene of it though.

What are the signals that make you think she's just looking for friendship? As far as exchanging "I love you"s, it's one thing when you're doing it over email, and another when you're in person. It could be that she sees physical proximity as a big leap and thereforeeee is compensating for that by taking the "I love you"s away to ensure that things don't get too involved too quickly. I think you need to give it a little more time (or else list some of the other signs for people on this forum to analyze). If you still feel the same way then, maybe start making more romantic overtures and hope that she gets the hint...and if not, then it may be time for an open discussion...

First of all, kudos to you for letting your ex know about the "abnormality"! It probably wasn't an easy discussion, but a necessary one nonetheless.

As far as the phone call, how did he ask you to call him back? Was it obvious that he said that just to be polite? Did he make it sound like it's important that you call him? Or did it sound like he wanted to talk about stuff as friends? If he sounded genuine, I don't think there's any harm in giving him a quick call once you come back -- just say that you remembered him asking and wanted to be polite. If he doesn't have anything interesting to say, you can end the call at your convenience and go on with your life. Since you already had a conversation with him recently, I don't think calling him back will further hinder your healing process. And based on the outcome of that call, maybe your feelings as far as friendship will become a little clearer...

When I started college, I decided to kick my habit of munching on things when I'm stressed...So I always kept a bottle of water around me. Drinking the water actually calmed me down, made me feel better, and lessened my hunger -- simply perfect! If I wanted something with more substance, I went for popcorn without butter -- not many calories there, but that stuff fills you up.

Of course, I still indulge myself with sweets every once in a while...but since I started doing the water and popcorn thing, I dropped a couple of pant sizes without even exercising!

If you are genuinely concerned about your friend's ex-boyfriend, I think it's okay to contact him just to check how he's doing. However, do not advertise the fact that you're in contact with both of them, because if they find out, they might ask you to act as the middleman, which is the last thing you want to do, believe me (been there, done that...yuck!).

Also, be careful not to talk about how the other person is dealing with the breakup (meaning, don't run back to your friend telling her that her ex is absolutely devastated over the breakup, or whatever the case may be -- facts can get distorted that way) and just focus on the person that you're talking to and his or her healing process.

I think so, yeah...Before my last relationship, I mostly listened to music with a good rhythm -- good background music for when I'm working out or driving. My ex exposed me to different genres of music, so I started listening to those...and also taught me to listen to the lyrics. During the course of the relationship I sure listened to a lot of sappy songs and learned to appreciate songs about love.

Now that the relationship is over, I'm back to the happy upbeat make-you-want-to-dance tunes.

You're right in thinking that acting cocky might not have the desired effect. However, keep in mind that the girl gave you her number: that means that she must be interested at least a little bit and you must have done something right in your initial interaction with her! Also remember that if you try too hard to be the kind of guy that "nice, smart, and mature" girls go for, you run the risk of appearing fake -- and fake is no good.

If you're used to making girls laugh -- by all means, go for it. Making her laugh is good and will ease any tension that exists between the two of you on the date. Also, I'm assuming that when you act cocky, the conversation revolves mostly around you...so try focusing on her a little more. Ask her open-ended questions so that she has a chance to talk...But still hang on to that confidence that you're used to showing -- confidence is attractive, just take it down a notch. And since it sounds like you're nervous, be careful not to overcompensate for your nervousness with cockiness...and if you manage to do that, I think the little bit of nervousness that comes with a new dating situation will work in your favor.

Good luck!

Personally, I'd say, "Hasta la vista, baby." It's one thing to recognize that there is a problem with the sexual aspect of the relationship...and it's another to want to "fix" it by cheating. So not cool in my book.

That said, however...every couple is different, and there are couples who are okay with having open relationships. It looks like she might be that type of person -- although based on the fact that you're posting this question, I'm guessing you aren't.

My resolutions are scattered throughout this forum...But the biggest one, I think, would be striking the right balance between being independent and letting other people into my life. Right now I'm definitely on the "Independent, don't need anyone, leave me alone," side of the spectrum.

There's really no way to be tactful in a situation like this, when you only want an email friendship with him. He's going to be hurt regardless, but it's better to be honest now than it is to keep up a charade and then unload it all in a moment of frustration. You can respond to the email saying that your expectations for your friendship are different, so you'd like to keep it on a safe, neutral email ground to ensure that there is no pressure on either side.

I once received a sex guidebook from my mom. She told me how wonderful it is that things like that are available for young women today and that she did not have that luxury when she was my age. I just thanked her and said that I'm glad I have a mother who's open-minded and not afraid to discuss private matters with her daughter. (Of course, she was far from open-minded...she bought the book in hopes of convincing my now-ex and me to have sex, because she was concerned about things...)

I think you did the right thing by breaking things off with the girl in Colombia -- if you felt that you weren't 100% committed to the relationship, letting her go was for the best. You may have strung the other girl along a little bit -- in all honesty, you probably should have told her that you're not interested in her as soon as you realized it, but what's done is done, and you should just tell her the truth as soon as you can.

What is your life like on an everyday basis? I'm sure there are more things to do than just watch TV. Take advantage of your new singledom to spend quality time with your friends, take up a new hobby, find some great books to read, get started on all those New Year's resolutions that you made. Do your best to keep yourself busy. Browse around this forum for other ideas as far as things that you can do to keep yourself occupied -- because let's face it, filling your days with interesting activities is basically the only way to prevent getting bored.

From what I've seen, it's usually Limited Contact. I think it's used mostly if the breakup was caused by a lack of communication (so going with strict No Contact only makes the problem worse), and usually takes the form of responding when the other person contacts you (rather than ignoring everything) but not initiating contact yourself.

I had two raised moles removed from my face just this summer (the hairs coming out were annoying, I hear you there!). I had a topical anesthetic applied, and then the moles were burned off. I barely felt it, even though they were on a fairly delicate patch of skin. You can still somewhat see the marks if you look closely, but they are flat, skin-colored, and barely noticeable. I could easily cover them up with makeup if I wanted to, but they don't even need that.

It does make sense. I've been there...I felt like if I let go of everything, I would be sort of desecrating the wonderful bond that we shared, in a way. Not paying it due respect, I guess. It's now been over 5 months, and I still catch myself wanting to hang on to the memories and hope for the future every once in a while, but for the most part I've accepted that it's over and started taking steps to move on.

The whole process really does take time, and for the most part its hard to speed it up, no matter how much you may want to...

It's so incredibly hard to find the willpower to take the steps to start getting over somebody...Many people on this forum have been hoping and praying for their exes' return, myself included. But as you clearly realize, harboring that hope is only hindering your healing process.

Just remember, do you really want to let the memories of times gone by control your life in the present? Do you want her to be moving on and finding happiness while you're all on your own and depressed? The important thing to keep in mind is that YOU deserve to be happy...and the only way to get there is to leave the past behind and plow ahead with your life.

The key is staying busy. Take small steps at first -- like getting together with your friends to watch a game on TV. Anything to keep your mind off of things. Then maybe take up a new activity for the same reason -- and it will also introduce you to new people. It will take time, but one day you will get to the point of wanting to date again. Probably not anytime soon, granted...but one day. Just remember to keep your future happiness in mind!

Love is an emotion that takes time to grow. If you believe in love at first sight, then yes, people could be in love when they start a relationship. Also, when two people have been friends for a long time, they may start a relationship when they realize that they are actually in love with each other.

However, I think that in most cases, people start a relationship when they feel a strong attraction to each other and are no longer interested in getting to know other people in a romantic way...That does not necessarily mean that they have those special feelings yet. I don't know what the average length of time is (of course it varies for everyone), but it usually takes a while for two people to admit to loving each other...and unless they're in a relationship first, it can be hard to get to that point...

Pay close attention to the fact that this occurs for about 20% of potential users! That means that you're not alone in thinking that you're somehow flawed. The same thing happened to me, as a matter of fact, and there are several other posts on this forum about a similar topic. All this means is that eHarmony is ruling out a certain percentage of the population who could be forming matches with each other if they were let onto the site...but no. Their message is a comment on their system, not on you as a person.

All the things you have listed are good. I'm sure there are writing workshops on your campus that you can attend. I've heard good things about those.

What exactly is the problem that you're having as far as writing? Are we talking about correct grammar, or making the essay coherent and cohesive so that it conveys your point well? I personally think that the latter is more challenging, so here is what I do.

1. Do any necessary research, then get your notes together.

2. Write a clear outline so that you have the structure of your paper. This is what most guidebooks probably tell you to do. OR (I do this sometimes), do some creative writing to get the ideas flowing. (Don't be afraid to be silly -- this is just to get the material down on paper in a more or less organized manner).

3. Flesh out the outline OR edit the creative writing from silly to serious (since you already have your thoughts organized, it's only a matter of making it sound good).

4. Go over everything numerous times to make any necessary revisions.

5. Let's not forget peer editing...oftentimes others will pick up on any grammar mistakes or unclear points that you may not be aware of.

What also helps sometimes is setting a deadline for yourself. Many people work best under pressure (and many will tell you that their best papers were written just a few hours before they had to be turned in). I am NOT advocating procrastination, not at all. But try to simulate a time crunch. Tell yourself that you have to have the whole paper written by lunchtime on a Saturday, and pretend like you have to turn it in then. Write like a madman for three hours, write like you have no choice but to churn something out. And once you do that, take a break...then go back and edit. While there are exceptions, for the most part it's easier to make something better through several rounds of revisions rather than trying to tackle it paragraph by paragraph and trying to make it perfect right away.

That's how I think, at least...

Could it be that she's afraid that if you get back together, the same problems will resurface? What is the situation with the other guy now? Is she still close with him? If she is, I think that this is a lost cause, unfortunately. But if she seems to be only interested in you, give it time until her signals are more clear. It sounds like you've already had an open discussion, so there's not much more you can do...

If the reason she broke up with you is that you're distracting her from her schoolwork, there must be a way to get over that without actually ending the relationship. Have you talked to her about that? And if that's truly the reason, I'm assuming that she's not planning on meeting any other guys in the next two years before she wants to give things with you another chance...but somehow I have trouble believing that that's the case here.

Like heloladies said, take matters into your own hands and have an honest and open discussion with her. If she doesn't think that she can work things out as far as balancing you and school, I'm sorry, but she's not worth it. If she can't handle things with school, just imagine how it might be when she has a challenging job...when there are kids involved...she might not be able to deal with it then either.

So unless she expresses a definite desire to work on things -- together -- I say move on, as hard as it is. Browse around this forum for ideas: there are lots of threads with great advice on how to leave the old relationship behind and lead a fulfilling single life (the basic concept seems to be keeping yourself busy). Good luck and hang in there!

I think you're right in wanting to get rid of everything so that you're not constantly reminded of her. However, the risk in returning everything to her is that you may be subconsciously wanting to provoke some kind of reaction from her. Yes, it's easy to say that you're not doing this for the reaction, but your heart will expect something even then -- believe me, I know. Plus, just dropping by her house may bring back memories that you don't necessarily want to remember.

If you're not doing it for the reaction, what difference does it make who gets the things? If you don't want to trash them (if they are relatively valuable, for example), why not give them to your friends for the time being? In a few years when you're definitely over everything, they can give the box back to you and you can decide what's worth keeping for monetary/sentimenal value and what you can toss. In the meantime, they'll do a good job keeping it all out of your way.

9.5 years...plus the time that you dated before marriage...of course it's not going to be easy to throw those memories away. You'll probably never be able to forget her completely...And the fact that she's in a new relationship is going to hurt -- it's only natural.

But like Rose said, keep yourself busy. Focus on the positives -- you bonded with your daughter, and that bond is for life.

If this is your first Christmas in a new relationship, I think it's natural to miss your ex more than usual because you were so used to enjoying all the festivities with him. Some things just have the ability to trigger memories like that.

I have a feeling that once the holiday season is behind you, you'll stop thinking about your ex so much -- or at least I hope so. I might expect a similar response around Valentine's Day, too, if it's going to be your first with the new guy. However, if for the vast majority of the time you're happy in your new relationship and don't compare it to your last, I think it's all good.