laboheme

In my case, I decided to break all ties with the people surrounding him, even if I was friends with some of them. Preserving my sanity was much more important, and I didn't want to risk accidentally hearing about how wonderful his life is without me. I figured that moving on from the relationship meant moving on with my life entirely, and that included new friendships...

Sheesh, problem #2 is getting really bad...If it had only happened earlier, then I would'v been able to switch into a different section of the same class. Sadly, I have that class every day and the TA looks more and more attractive...And I wish he hadn't said something about himself today that made me go "Wow." Thank goodness I have superhuman concentration powers when it comes to academics, otherwise my grade would be in grave danger...

Would it be terribly immoral to wait for this semester to end and then try to get to know the guy better?

Gosh, where can I find a professor who'll set me up on a blind date like that???

Calling two days after the date is fine. I personally would find it cute if a guy called to verify any plans that weren't yet set in stone. I say go for it and call the one that you liked. I think it's fairly safe to say that there's something on her end as well -- after all, she did play footsie with you, right? Having her other friend there could just be moral support. And the phone call can clarify a lot of things...If it's the other one who likes you and not her, she'll most likely say something about how much her friend is looking forward to coming along...

Ah yes, good old de la Rochefoucauld. You know that somebody was a smart cookie when centuries later, their words still ring true. I know that the one about absense weakening and increasing passions has been quoted on this board quite a bit. I personally like the last one about all women being flirts -- I guess that means that not all hope is lost for me!

1. There's a guy in one of my classes whom I find quite attractive, and he seems like he's a relatively nice person (at least he doesn't emanate those jerk vibes like some people do). I would definitely like to get to know him better (if only for the sake of finding out what kind of person he really is). The problem is, I never get the opportunity to talk to him. The longest conversation we've had was when we were walking down 9 flights of stairs, but that was only because both of us were too impatient to wait for the elevator. Talking before class won't work, since half of the class (including me and him) gets there half an hour early, and everybody is being studious until class begins; trying to strike up a conversation in such a quiet setting would not be appropriate. Lingering around after class so that we leave the room at the same time would be too obvious. AND there are no tests in that class, so I can't ask him to study together (I never study with anyone anyway). Is there ANYTHING I can do, or do I just have to wait and hope for another day when we take the stairs instead of the elevator?

2. One of my TAs is quite attractive. Which is clearly a problem because he's my TA. Furthermore, because I tend to be shy around attractive men, it's hard for me to participate in class. Granted, my written work makes up for that, but participation is still a part of my grade...One of my coworkers told me to relax myself before raising my hand to answer a question by imagining him naked...but clearly that did more harm than good. Obviously nothing is ever going to happen with this guy (which is sad), but I'd like to get over my shyness around him so that I can act like a normal kid in class.

3. Okay, there are three problems. The third one being that aside from those two classes, there are no men in sight, thanks to those accursed majors of mine. But I guess we all have that problem....

Thank you for listening, and good night.

A lot of people from my high school went to a community college, which had open admissions. From what I gather, they still had to fulfill basic curriculum requirements -- i.e. take some math, some English, etc. If you do decide to go to a community classes (even if it doesn't have required classes), you will be able to poke around and take a few courses out of curiosity. That way you'll be better able to decide what to major in, if you're unsure right now.

Also, a lot of people I know didn't do too well in high school, but buckled up and got their stuff done once they got to college and had a clean slate to work with. If you do great at the community college, you should be able to transfer to a better school (not to say that community colleges are necessarily bad, but I do realize that people place a lot of significance on the school's reputation). I'm going to a pretty competitive state school right now, and about 1/5 of the people in my grade are transfers from two-year state colleges and from the aforementioned community college.

So the point is, don't give up. If later down the road you decide that college isn't for you, you'll always be able to quit and start working...but if you rule it out right away, it will be harder to make the decision to go back as an adult.

That's such a great point! I guess most people stereotype ****s as the loud, boisterous, obnoxious and disrespectful type -- you know the ones. So it's very easy to assume that someone who doesn't exhibit those characteristics also doesn't have the **** factor. Although, as we all seem to agree, it's not always a correct assumption.

I wonder if most people would agree that the reverse is also true? Meaning that people tend to assume that the loud outgoing guy is automatically a jerk...

Pick something that's not too far removed from the music that you would normally listen to (most people have a few songs that make them want to move around a little bit). It's very important to be comfortable with the music, because you don't want to be so focused on trying to "feel the music" that the actual striptease will be awkward. But if it's something that you have no problems gyrating your hips to when you're clothed, stripping might come more naturally -- and hence look sexier.

Learning something new does not necessarily have to reduce your "social networking time"! Unless you lock yourself in your room with a pair of knitting needles, a ball of yarn, and a sneezing cat, chances are, you'll be meeting people who are interested in the same kind of thing -- be it novices such as yourself, or seasoned veterans who will be able to give you valuable guidance (and hey, they do have social knitting clubs!). And it seems that a lot of people make their most valuable connections as upperclassmen -- I know an inordinate number of people who don't even talk to anyone from their freshman year...so while it can't hurt, don't count on establishing a strong social network that will be beneficial to your career right away.

Don't worry about things being unrelated to your major...It can actually work to your advantage -- it's never good to be too narrow-minded as far as your interests (meaning it doesn't look good to graduate schools/prospective employers if all your extracurriculars are centered around economics).

And one more thing...while it's great that you're thinking about your future from the get-go, be careful of the dreaded "burnout." By that I mean that a lot of people dedicate so much time to things their first year at college that they end up spreading themselves too thin and wearing themselves out...and by the time they are upperclassmen and have some really great opportunities available to them (a lot of career-related ones are limited to juniors and seniors, for example), they just don't care anymore and pass them up. Also, I think it's natural to have that kind of mindset when you're just starting out: you and your friends have just experienced a major life change, so it seems logical to go with the flow and make more plans while you're still on a roll.

What I think you should do is take advantage of those newly-found time management skills, place your schoolwork first, and then find at least one old thing and one new thing that you enjoy...Your passions will lead you to great people, and being a freshman, you have plenty of time to give different things a try...

Good luck!

Once in a relationship both men and women let them selves go. By this I see a large percentage that have neglected personal grooming (weight, skin care, hair, etc) who dress like slobs, and also act that way. Sweats may be ok in the house (I think not, only wear if you are at the gym) but you should never leave the house like that. Men dressed in any kind of clothing with words on it, same for women in stretch pants, or sneakers. All you have to do is think back to when you had been dating and how you dressed and groomed and then look in the mirror and ask yourself, would I date the person in the mirror?[/Quote]

 

So many people would dismiss this as superficial, but it's so true! Yes, there is definitely a certain charm to being able to wear sweatpants around your partner, because it shows that you're that comfortable with him/her, but it's only special when done every once in a while! There are those times when lounging in flannel pajamas sounds great to both people, and that's wonderful...But once you neglect your personal grooming, you are basically saying that you're taking the other person for granted and that they don't deserve the extra effort...AND you may be doing a disservice to yourself as well in terms of your health. Take weight, for example...in quite a few cases, it's not that people are turned off by a few extra pounds, it's that they are concerned about their partner's health -- and quite likely turned off by the fact that the partner doesn't care about it.

 

My parents are definitely guilty of this...My dad is quite out of shape, and my mom sees it as a reflection of his character that he's not willing to take care of himself...same thing goes for his sloppy clothing...There are times when she willingly puts on ratty shorts and does gardenwork with him, but it disgusts her that he doesn't care enough to wear something presentable when he goes out in public.

 

Second, women once they have kids place them first, then the husband distant second or even third behind the other things in life. What’s up with this! You ignore your supposed life partner, have not time for him, do everything for the kids first, and then wonder why he had an affair. Wake up, kids are nice, but I think we need to change the order of priority and ensure you make time for yourselves first, time for sex, talking, dating. The kids will survive with a babysitter, or even god forbid, only doing 4 sports instead of 6.

 

Honestly, I'm terrified of this happening to me! Your partner is supposed to be the most important person in your life along with your kids, and while yes, some concessions have to be made to accommodate a new and very much loved person in the household, every relationship book that I've looked through explicitly says that one of the best gifts you can give your children is having a good relationship with your spouse. (I'm not even going to go into a long-winded discussion of how so many parents spend so much time with their kids that the kids never learn to be independent. Spending some time away from them and with your spouse will do them a favor later on in life!) However, I think that it's not just women who are to blame...There are definitely fathers who are guilty of neglecting their wives in order to spend time with the children...Basically all the things you said go both ways in some respects...

Going by what my ex has said after the breakup, he wasn't happy towards the end of the relationship, but I wasn't seeing it...He gave us many chances before finally calling it quits, but I blew them all (because I didn't know what was going on). thereforeeee, he had no reason to believe that giving me another chance would change anything...and yeah.

I personally think he should finish school and get his degree...In all honesty, compared to the loans that he must have for the last few years, one semester worth of leans isn't going to make much of a difference. And you're absolutely right about him not having to pay anything while he's a full-time student...If he drops out, the paperwork will get incredibly complicated (I've been there when I transferred schools and they thought I had dropped out...it's not pretty!).

Are there any other reasons behind his desire to drop out? Maybe it would be wise for him to talk to his academic advisor about things. The advisor could give him ideas such as getting a paid internship for a semester...and other options that he may not have thought of.

I know I'm a day late here...If she's still sick and you haven't done anything, the best way is to approach her directly and ask her how she's feeling...then say that you hate to see her like that. A get well card is a cute idea, but it's a little odd to give one to someone whom you've only known for a month -- it might make you look a little pushy.

You could also give her suggestions on how to deal with being sick -- tell her that warm tomato soup always makes you feel better, or whatever the case may be...That way you'll not only be showing concern for her, but revealing something about yourself as well. Always a good thing.

I think there's a difference between not having a "click" and not feeling like going on another date. If you think you should go on another date just out of politeness, then no, don't prolong the torture. But if you think she's a nice person who is interesting to talk to, and you enjoyed spending time with her...but just didn't feel that spark that they advertise in movies...then by all means, give her another chance. Just because you're not throwing yourself head first into a whirlwind romance, it doesn't mean that all is lost. Best case scenario? You start forming a bond and eventually it will grow into an affectionate relationship. Worst case scenario, you're bored to tears and completely rule out any possibility of a third date. Or maybe you'll never have that romantic connection, but will make a new friend in the process.

Not quite sure what aspect of friendships you're asking about, but here are my two cents. I have mixed feelings about friends and relationships...On one hand, having just a few close friends enables you to really dedicate yourself to them and to the relationsihp that comes along, without all those superficial social obligations that social circles often entail. On the other hand, if one doesn't have many friends, one is more likely to become clingy in a relationship and not have a life outside of it.

Having a large circle of friends could potentially broaden your dating pool, since you'll be connected to more people...But then again, it's the quality that counts, not the quantitiy, and just a few close friends who know you and your needs very well could be great as far as setting you up with somebody compatible.

Also, if you have a lot of friends, it will be easier to integrate your significant other into the group, because the bigger your social circle, the more likely it is to overlap with his or hers, and because everybody is probably used to having new people around. A small close-knit circle could be harder to penetrate. But on the flipside, there's something to be said for keeping your relationships and your friendships somewhat separate (I'm being pessimistic here, but it makes things infinitely easier in the case of breakups...)

How does your social circle look from the outside? Some people are into the social butterfly types and can't imagine being with somebody who's not always around a large crowd. Others prefer more solitary types. I personally tend to distrust people who are overly social and wonder about those who are absolutely antisocial -- balance is key in my book, and I'd much rather see someone who's dedicated to just a few good friends and doesn't spread himself too thin. But it's all a matter of personal preference.

It's great that you're starting to find other people attractive...that's definitely progress right there!

So, where do you usually see this girl? Is it in class, in a club, at work, on your way home?

It's very rare for me to specifically look for a ring on someone's finger...I've only consciously done it a handful of times. Usually when I do look, it's not to find out whether or not that particular man is taken, but to see how many men wear their wedding bands. I guess it's a way to reassure myself that it's perfectly okay to NOT wear one (because I won't, and if I don't, I don't expect my husband to).

When you talk to your doctor about birth control, you could mention the worries that you have, if you're comfortable enough talking to her/him about it. I'm sure that he/she got that question before, and maybe you'll be able to get some advice.

Also, once you're on birth control and you have some condoms stashed in your bedside drawer, stop thinking about it. Overanalysis will make you clench up, guaranteed. Just go with the flow and when you're in the mood, let him go a little further than he went the last time...Let it happen naturally. If you overthink everything, it will take the fun and the pleasure out of it. Yes, sex is serious business and requires some degree of planning, but it's the spontaneity that makes it great!

I've been using the Ralph Lauren one (the one in the turquoise bottle) for a long time, and I love it. Sometimes I use body sprays from Bath and Body works, in all kinds of scents. For special occasions I use Chanel Mademoiselle. And I've been smelling the bottles at the MAC counter lately, so maybe I'll get one of those when my Ralph Lauren runs out.

But scent is just like color, or cut...Different things suit different people. Florals are better for some people...citrus scents for othes...etc. etc.

It's also a good idea to have several scents in your arsenal, just like you would have several shades of lipstick, or several bottles of nailpolish. It gives you variety...Plus, when you mix things up, your nose doesn't get used to one scent (i.e. become insensitive to it) and you're less likely to overspray.

If there are signs that she's interested and wants to see how she measures up -- in other words, not just asking out of curiosity -- then the only way you should say "someone like you" is if you already know her quite well...or if you honestly truly mean it. If you blurt it out just because it's a flattering thing to say, you run the risk of getting that "wow, you're so cliche, you don't even know me" sort of look from her.

No definite answer to that question, I'm afraid. Everybody always says that all people are different, and that's true here as well. Some women will be thrilled to be approached by a guy and spend the entire conversation going "Are you SURE you want to be talking to me?" Some women will think he's lower than pond scum for having the nerve to approach their royal highnesses and think that even though he's friendly, he's only after a one-night stand. Some will think that's it's how things should be because "the guy should initiate everything." Some women will be cold. Some will be friendly, some mean... And so on.

You have nothing to lose by approaching a girl that you're interested in...If you wait for her to approach you, that coversation that you're hoping for may never happen.

I am all about going Dutch. Yes, it's not romantic, but until a relationship is established, I do not want to feel like I'm obliged to him in any way. If somebody pay for me, I go on a guilt trip...especially if I'm not interested in the person. So for the sake of my own sanity, I'd rather split everything.

Once things settle down though, it's easier if one person pays for everything, and I don't care who it is, since in the long run things sort of balance out. At least that's how it happened in my last relationship...

To me personally, a button-down shirt with jeans is one of the sexiest outfits a guy can wear...But I do think that in class, it should be a casual button-down -- definitely nothing starched, and definitely not tucked in. A shirt that's tucked in can look stuffy...

As far as the trench coat...They are great. I own one. But I only wear it when I go to work. Trenches are definitely too formal for class, unless you are purposely trying to make a fashion statement (which I'm assuming you aren't). A leather jacket would be great, or for an even more casual look, a nicer variety of a windbreaker.

Maybe also try wearing your shirts unbuttoned over a t-shirt...Just to loosen up a bit. Or maybe wear one of those light zip-up track jackets (like the ones by Adidas -- one of my TAs, who's around your age, wears them, and they definitely work for him, haha). They look great with relaxed jeans and offer a nice alternative to a button-down that's still not too slouchy.

Of course, we all realize that clothing is superficial and all...But if you're having doubts and aren't 100% happy with what you're doing, now is the time to play! Years down the road when you're working a 9-5 job with a dress code, you won't have those options...

Great point about peak hours! Some people are most active in the morning, some people are most active at night...What about you?

Also, try to put yourself into a situation where you are basically forced to study. Try a study group...or go to the library and sit at a table with somebody else. No talking at all! But the sight of somebody else studying can be a good motivator...

Eliminate all distractions, too...Unless you absolutely, positively NEED a computer, go somewhere where you can't use one. Only take your textbook and some paper for writing...

It's hard to say exactly why he brought up the idea of dating...He could either be saying it because he genuinely wants to have contact with you but is truly not ready for a serious relationship...or he could be saying it in hopes that you'll give him all the benefits of a girlfriend minus the commitment. I'm leaning towards the latter, but I think it's okay to give him the benefit of the doubt and have that conversation that you're thinking of. I think it's a perfectly valid question that you want to ask, and I agree that if other people are involved, you should turn around and walk away while your resolve is still strong. But if he wants to be "exclusive," but just take things slow...I think that's a good sign. Beware though, he could easily say "Of course there won't be anyone else," but do something on the side.

The way I see it, an open discussion about your concern couldn't hurt...