doyle
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I just ran accross an e-mail that she sent to me...i thought that i had deleted them all, i was wrong...it was from day 2 of our break up and now i am in a month of this nightmare....it was funny the e-mail that i sent on that day explains excatly how i still feel after a month. I do not understand why some people look all their lives for someone to treat them like a princess and when there is a speedbump in the relationship then they run....does it make me stronger then her that i want to work it out? i still have no ill feelings towards her even though i am in such pain. i still think to myself how wounderful of a person that she is.....I know still childish. i really do want to heal at least for my own sanity and well being. but i know the first thing that i need to do is let go, but i think that i am still in shock over all the stuff that happened. i asked her why in past e-mails and she said just that she was not happy. i know that i can not change people...but i still cant get my heart to believe....what a battle...
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oldboy your right i need to focus on myself and find myself again...right now i do not know how to do that. when i was with her, my life was balanced...i have a good career, hobbies and friends...however now i do not feel like any of those provide santuary to my feelings. we met at work and she has been gone from that job for over six months it still is hard to know that she is out with some of the women my work sight. my hobbies were never an issue with her she was always happy to see me go out and do them...she was my best friend and it is hard to see that half of me gone. so i need to find myself and i do not know where to begin, i have lost me. i am trying my best not to think of her....but it is all that is on my mind as well.
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bstrong2day....i am sorry that you are going through this...i know what you are going through, i too feel that i am a shell of myself and walk through the day in a daze. I too have the regret from not telling her what i was thinking on every single day...when we first broke up i laid everything out there to her and she had nothing to do with what i wanted. i have always been scared to get close and once i did it slapped me in the face. it is also a month for me and i am still a wreck myself...it kills me that I have let myself get so hurt, i guess that is what love is right?!?! bull, i agree with you that how can something as simple as a communication breakdown make the person run or just give up? like you i have not seen or heard from her in a month....i have been left trying to figure out what went wrong....now my head is playing all the bad things that is going on.... I got the same thing about i do not want to fix it from my ex. then i am left with all the why's.....
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old boy...I agree I maybe needy, and insecure...not only did i lose the person that i love; i lost my best friend. I am being needy because I did not give the relationship what it needed, I never told her how much i loved her and that she meant to me. That is what plays in my head every morning... at this point i am not sure how to switch my focus from her to me...trust me i would like to heal, i am sick of feeling like i am in a haze all day. I have not found comfort in myself.... I think that rejection does that to you.
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well it is morning again and same thing woke up thinking about her, i have been having the same thoughts every morning, she is going to figure this out and call me or in some magical surrender she will come back... I go to sleep with regret and wake up with regret...it is starting to get out of control, It is the only thing that i think about in the morning, day and night. I am leaving for a week tonight, and while i am gone she is going to move her stuff out of the apartment, into her new place...all i can think about is who is helping her move out? I am starting to feel really jealous and paranoid, of who is she hanging out with.....how do i turn all this engery into focusing on me? It has been a month and i still can not accept that it is over....
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Russo...Ensure are protein drinks that at least have something for your body to work with. I know that it is not much but it will help keep the mind going if anything.... we all here with you this really is the toughest thing that you will ever have to endure...
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you know what i am finding the hardest right now is the NC. I feel like I am validating her feelings for leaving by not contacting her. does that make sense? she said that she left because she did not get the communication, or the connection on a deeper level. The first week of our break up, i would e-mail her all my feelings and my regrets...but if you read any books or have knowledge about the grieving process we go through the begging or bargining. so, all that i said to her i think she took as my begging for her to come back. I want to tell her so bad that is not the case...those are my feelings straight from the heart. Am i reinforcing the fact that she made the her decsion by NC? I am leaving for a week and she is going to pick her stuff up when i am gone...I am not even looking forward to this trip, and it is sad because it is something that usally makes me happy....hmmmm, whatever that emotion looks like, i forgot!
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need2beme.....you cant force a feeling, you can not force yourself to let go of someone just by willing it... The only comfort i guess is to remember this is a process....let your mind work it out, again you will drive yourself mad....trust me, if i could will it out of my mind i would! The thoughts of her with another guy are really normal, I have those thoughts almost every minute of the day....i used to think that i was very level headed...this has me on the edge too.... I think the letter is good to send, write it five times ten times until you get everything that you want to say perfect, but once you send it, do not expect a letter in return, if one comes back that is great! but if not please dont set yourself up to feel rejected again....
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I think this place is a life saver...like Ladyj once said she uses this thread to support her NC. I too feel that way, i still cant seem to focus at work I am still thinking all the time of her....and i know that she is not even thinking of me...... I am still drinking alot of Ensure to keep myself going..... I have been driving around without the radio on because it seems like every song will make me start thinking about her......this is sooooooooooo overwhelming....
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It is morning time and I am back on the roller coaster...it is never ending. I live and work with guilt and regret all day long, the tape does not want to go away, I feel regret about not telling her how I was feeling...I just assumed that she knew. I express my love not so much verbally but by actions, buy gifts be affectionate, making baths...things of that nature....i did not find out until she left and we e-mailed that she wanted the verbal communication....i know more about her now after we broke up then i did when we were dating..... when i laid everything on the line because i had nothing to lose....she still rejected me...that hurts, becuase i have everything that she was looking for but i did not give it to her.... my family is confused why i would want someone who can not forgive if she was the "one" nothing you could ever do would push them away...it makes sense but you know i want her so bad.... those picutes that i saw at the beginning of the week have burned themselves into my brain.....
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I tell you what Icemotoboy...i do not know what you do for a living but you should get into the counseling field. You have great insight and unmeasured strenght it is encouraging to say the least. I forget about the process, like you i want to be the creator of my own destiny, and being the controlling person that I am it is hard to let fate happen. I do say that prayer everynight, i am looking to get over the hurdle of things that i can not change. i know that at some point i will feel the warmth of acceptance; right now i am fighting through all the fog of what has happened to me. so what about this holding onto the pain? what purpose does it serve, i dont feel some Martyr but how cause am i suffering for?
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Ladyj... i have read your thread and i am sorry to hear what you are going through, it funny, it feels like I getting to know many people on here through all the pain and suffering. It is not always fair for those folks that are supporting you to tell you what you want to hear. If you feel like he is not coming back, then that is what you need to work towards. I know that she is not coming back, but i am too damn pig headed to know the diffrence. like i said my heart and my brain are fighting one another. I have nothing to prove to her I know that, but I want to show her that i have changed, all of this actually has jumped started my feelings....i think for a long time I was just in auto pilot, i believe that has alot to do with her leaving. again, alot of regret on my part...i let something slip away because of my own in ability to express my feelings......
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ya the NC is tough i want to tell her how i am feeling right now....i know that she has moved on that is why i feel like this is an addiction...I can go for alittle bit then i start thinking about her. It scares me that someone can affect me the way that she has and yet nothing on her end....someone just slap me back into reality, like i stated lost in my mind. sitting here at work and all her friends are starting to dress like her, maybe they always did and i never noticed, but seeing them dressed up makes me think of her........ahhhhh, this is all nuts!
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your right it was her decision, what makes it hard was that it was never talked about, i never got the warning that she was so unhappy that she was leaving...you know three days before she left we were talking about a trip that we had planned late in the summer....so to me i thought that all was well. so you have to know, the initial shock that i was faced with...again with that look on my face of "what the hell, just happened here!" "are you kidding me!" i have lost all sight of faith and the say of "if it was meant to be then it will be" I am pigheaded and take things to heart again i think i maybe too sensitive for my own good. i know that it seems weird to want someone back, when they have made it clear they arent coming back. you know even after a month of this torture if she came walking back in through those doors i would welcome her back even after all this pain...
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It sucks we are dealing with rejection... we have been rejected as a person and our reality has been rejected all the thoughts and dreams that we had with the person was simply cut short when they said that they want to break up! we as the dumpee are stuck holding this "bag" of dreams and desires....while still dealing with the fact that we are rejected....need2bme....man i know where you are at with this it is consuming and obsessive. the mind is an amasing thing, we have the ability to learn other languages and to put people on the moon, but when it comes to deal with matters of the heart we are lost souls...right now my mind and my heart are at war with one another, they both see two truths.... living in the same space is tough, my ex just left and left all of her stuff there, so it makes it worse to come home to a place that looks the same, smells the same, but is a play ground for old memories. I do not know if it is possible for her to move out for a little bit...i know that is the last thing that you want right now....i am there for you man, i know the feeling.
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Yes the should've and could've are the worse...I am a dweller and processor...I have a hard time letting go, and wear my heart on my sleeve for the most part... what I find to be the hardest is that after breaking up she sent in her e-mails all the things that she was not getting in the relationship...I fought tooth and nail to say i could give her those things (because i know that i have the personal tools to do so) she then stated that she tried to tell me over the relationship period. you know, if someone is not happy, come out and say i am not getting what i want....what really hurts is to tell the person after the fact point blank and walk out and never give me a shot...i can say that i am really impressed with the fact that she has not backed down from her stance...i find myself do all this self exploring, reading, going to the therapist...but what is sad is that I still feel like i am doing it to get her back... I have also gotten the e-mails that say "well good luck, you will find someone better" i kills me...at this point i can not see through the clouds...i do not want someone else! someone explained to me what closure is? is it seeing them one last time or is it laying all your cards on the table (in any media)...
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Russo, try drinking Ensure, i have been living on it for the last month, I found that it makes it alot worse in your head when you do not put something in your stomach. trust me the attacks will come, i almost past out in the shower one morning when i was thinking about her, everything came to a head and i had to sit down, it was scary! I thought that i was losing my mind. you are not, it is pain that is rushing in you. start a journal, get everything on paper so it is not in your head all the time, it does not make it go away but at least you can get it out of your head for awhile, keep posting on here, there is alot of supportive folks on this board, it makes you feel like you are part of a bigger whole....
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icemotoboy...I read your thread and you are good man. I do not have that power yet to see the person go and have happiness for them. It sounds like your love walked and you let them go because that it what THEY wanted and not you, that is selfless on your part and I tip my hat to you. this morning was really tough, I woke up sweating thinking about her and all the things that i did not do...when she was there. I am stuck having a relationship with a ghost a memory. like you need2beme, i have alot of regret of things that i did not do or say, like the night before we broke up we had a little fight it was her birthday....and i could not get of the couch to say i was sorry for the fight...we later talked on the phone and i could still not say that i was sorry...she ended up going out the next morning, left with her bag packed and that was the last that i saw of her, that was one month today....it plays in my head like this evil sitcom, everytime that it plays i have all the right answers, then snap back into reality and i feel the pain of the loss all over again...what a brutal nightmare! What is strange is why do I grieve this hard when realitives have passed? they were in my life alot longer then she....but some how i have been able to handle those losses, this one I am stuck...you know alot of people say this is like a death, but it is not...because the one I love is still out there moving and breathing but has nothing to do with me. I have been trying to spend more time with my family that is around here, however like most of us my childhood was dysfuntional, and not nurturing. so, now when i need them most or anyone...it is hard to find comfort. I feel like I have lost who i am...i do not know how to find that inner core again, for so long I attached myself to someone i love, that person is gone...i guess that is the danger of co-dependence....
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so true on many parts this does feel like an addiction. when i feel like i can not make it with have her. It feels fatal, but i know that i will make it. I am trying NC with all of this and it is like kicking a habit. I just feel so weak through all of this even looking back at all the things that i have achieved in my life, like you i was in the military, traveled put myself through college, and onto a career, etc etc... but I do not feel any stronger from that. the other part of letting go is that part of me does not want to let go...that it will make it final...i am scared to let go, even though after looking at those pictures, she has let go. It makes me feel sad that she can move on so quick, it feels like it unvalidates my relationship, that all those feelings that i had were for nothing to her. I love her so much that is why i feel so hurt.
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i swear...this is the most difficult thing that i have been through....that picture about killed me.
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i just saw a picture of her sitting on some ones desk, it was at a bachorette party, she was dancing and drink with a bunch of guys that I have never seen, i was feeling good...until i saw that picture...I want to send her an e-mail so bad right now... I cant believe that i am crying at work....
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thanks for the words of encouragement... you know i would have thought that a month would be a good length of time to get over the first hurdle... but like you i am inpatient...I want to see an end. she left on a trip today, I am thinking of all the goodtimes that she will be having and I am sitting here feeling like @#$@. She is the one that left me...however...as dysfuntional as it is i am not angry at her. I wish i would so i know that i moved on to another phase of grieving. I think that i am the poster boy for codependence! thank god for Ensure and Marlbro's!
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oh yes, mother's day and her birthday! goodtimes My sister flew in from out of town over the weekend and redecorated some of the apartment, it was nice to come home and have it look alittle different... Work is going to be alittle more strange since i am her friends supervisor...see we never told anyone from work that we were dating...not even her friends...she has not worked here for 6 months, but it is still strange...I look at them and i know that they know everything that has gone on... it is alittle like torture because i know that they are single and will be going out, with my ex...meeting guys... I know that I seem alittle weak but this is all just overwhelming.....
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thanks...I am one month as well to the day and it feels like time has slowed down to nothing...I swear it just seems like it happened yesterday... I have a hard time coming to work now because this is where we met, and she still have friends here, it is a small office and I know that they are hanging out and i just want what they have...(the time with her) Our apartment reminds me of her, just the emptyness that it has kills me.... As you can tell i do not focus that much on work that much, since i am on here all day... I can tell you though it is nice to hear that i am not the only one in the world going through this at this moment...
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thank you for the suggestions, I feel like i am stuck on letting her go. I do not know how to focus on me yet...Did anyone feel like that? The worst time for me is in the morning, I wake up thinking about her and replay the "what if's" in my head or I will play a senerio in my head and make myself do the right thing...so it is almost like a day dream. ahhhh, this is so frustrating...