Sadmoop

that is a very nice suggestion......thank you.for now i am trying to work out for at least 45 mins get a sauna and just sit by a pool and try and read one page of a comic...........its hard,......I can't read......but, the work out is good.....i work out so hard I do not think.....(well, almost). I could get a nice settlement and I think that will change how I see things.....if it happens......

i know i know........ I have called him tonight..............it goes on with my paranoia.......it just goes on.................i could not just leave it where it was this afternoon........him inviting me somewhere.........thinking about it.....I had to call when I saw he did not check his boards when he said he was going home........he was sleeping......told me to relax........said he was sleeping and he will see me later......after he has done some work.......... i feel awful. I have not done anything I was suppose to do.....I am going to try soon......or maybe just keave it for another day.....maybe tonight I need this board more than ever..........I mean I remember last week when things were bad I could not really discuss anything.........now i am using it tonight.....because I feel bad........lonely and worst of all .........at my lowest with this * * * *ing man.

Do you think that a boyfriend should make you feel this badly? No, but I believe with some types of people it comes with the terrority.....I also believe that love is actually a painful process. Do you think that a relationship should cause this much pain? I think relationships are painful to people who have had a difficult relationship from the beginning with two emtional insecure people. Do you feel that this relationship is healthy, loving and respectful, knowing that he told you he wanted to sleep with other women and has cheated on you in the past? Of course it is terribly unhealthy but, again I do not see things as balck and white......never have. Are you being fair and true to yourself by staying with someone who treats you so poorly? This I can answer directly and honestly no........in no aspect of my life is this helping.......

Do you think that a boyfriend should make you feel this badly? No, but I believe with some types of people it comes with the terrority. Do you think that a relationship should cause this much pain? I think relationships are painful to people who have had a difficult relationship from the beginning with two emtional insecure people. Do you feel that this relationship is healthy, loving and respectful, knowing that he told you he wanted to sleep with other women and has cheated on you in the past? Of course it is terribly unhealthy but, again I do not see things as balck and white......never have. Are you being fair and true to yourself by staying with someone who treats you so poorly? This I can answer directly and honestly no........in no aspect of my life is this helping.......

None of it makes sense..........just me being obsessive.....me being in an inbetween place........i know i know..........horrible, horrible....... i know its him..........of course the last two knew..........eventually! I have this fantasy about quitting my job soon......taking off for a month or two........travel.......see things...........whatever.........then return fresh to paint......... it could or could not happen.......depends on court case...... i want out for a while.....i am in a rut......thats it.....I know you can keep giving me wake up calls.....I know I know......... * * * * i know......but, I am where I am.........i cannot help that until I help that! I am caught in a trap.....no turning back....because I love you too much babeeeeeeeeeeee o o oo o oooooo oo o !! We can't go on together with suspious minds..........susssssssssssss spicccious minds !!!!! Elvis song I think...... heh heh

I have never considered a journal....every time I have tried......I could not. The thought of people I possibly know reading it.........I am steeping backwards every minute.....I know that....I am obssessing about this woman.....I must of called her 12 times today and tonight......I am wondering where he is.....I feel sick.....I have to say that it has been like this for a long time..........especially since two years ago after I found out about the first two affairs. Tonight I called the bar where he D.J's and I asked if she was there.......I eventually got the info that she did not work there anymore and that she left........this is crazy....... I just can't confront him yet....I am worried that I will explode and that I will end up drinking and being reduced to a crying mess like at Christmas.........I am so worried and that is why I am not confronting him..... Yes step by step..........that is all I can do...because every minute is a minute further into trying to survive my day and my life........ Thank you

I am not angry. Your post did not make me feel anything like that........ I am just feeling so sad and pathetic. I am hurting. I am stunned when I think.I am of course trying to focas on a list of things to do right now while I am at work......it is hard.........i stopped calling her about 20 minutes ago. I don't know anything right now..........I asked the person I work with to think about me taking off this coming weekend. Now sitting here......... * * * * I just do not know again. Like Christmas...........I was suppose to go with him...and I just said I do no think I want to be at your family house when I can stay with my cat, sleep, paint and be around things I like, instead of an uptight household......then he got too sick. Just before I started to harass him on Christmas about the contact with women he asked me if there was going to be a problem if he stayed with me over Christams instead of going home. I told him I wanted to be alone.....I was upset about all that I read and saw.....anyway then of course he stayed as we wanted to be together over Christmas......but, I could not hold it in......I exploded....and then of course it fell into a mess for days of fighting and screaming and me almost losing it completely........ So , I am worried to do that again while I feel so terrible......I could not bare any more abuse let alone another week of being dragged down to nothing......that is what he did...he told me what he wanted to do and basically dragged me down doing it............. I want to feel strong..........and I am so bashed this week and trying to cop ewithout losing it that I think this week is the worst week to approach this......of course in the meantime..yes on a daily basis this is making me tearful and really bad..........it is in my stomach......but, I read this posts and I am trying to feel this as much as I can.......maybe I am pushing myself.........I have forced myself not to do what I normally do as far as push him in a corner.........i am easing up on calling him and texting him.............obviously not enough....but, slowly.......slowly......... I hear every word you are saying.........every dam word........i would like to print all of this and read it at home tonight......hey i might just do that.........I am not rich but, I have always made more than him.....I have not outrightly finacially supported him but, he has done some diabolical things.like refusing to pay rent in my apartment becuase he hated my girlfriend....I used to rent it out......he has his own place now.........I pay for most things when we are together.......he will not pay a dollar for anything......although he spends lots on records and does well as a D.j... So....i just wrote that.......and now I feel like a * * * *ing idiot........ all I can do is keep writing, keep thinking, keep realizing what is going on...........somehow I can not see this stuff clearly......... right now i hate him and i am furious...........but, of course weak, vunerable AND SCARED... There is so much you said about him.....he calls me pathetic and weak all the time.........so much of my life has suffered becuase of this boy/man........I used to be such a fiesty outgoing woman....... * * * * I watch Henry the eighth last night and I was very taken in.........anyway.......I have always had this thing about women being crushed under men..........I know I have to pick my self off the * * * *ing floor.............I just need to take moment by moment right now..........](*,)

This is a very difficult situation to be in. Today as I was standing in Nyc I almost burst into tears. Then he called......told me he was going home to Boston for the weekend and that he thought he would tell me now in hopes that I can go with him......... now this is what I mean.....if I start to scream at him over these late night calls and texts....I am going to push.......and that is not what I want........so far he is being nice........of course we have not spoken since Christmas about this.,............ Yes it hurst and I have been calling her and putting the phone down.....and right now i am crushed......but, I think I need to sit it out......then I need some truths and solid evidence........i mean the guys tiold me he wants to sleep with other people........would he do it again.knowing what I went through...knowing what I am going through,......if they answer ends up yes.......it leaves me no choice.......but, right now i have nothing..... he always hides things from me....because he says I act insane.........which is true...........so this time I am not going to do that.......... even though it hurst me so * * * *ing much and I am on the verge of crying right now...... I really feel like I should confront him at some point......and then her......i am just not sure when and how......any ideas?

It is hard...... I could not make the dinner. We met at my house at like 2am. He was being so nice. I am used to this. Being treated amazingly or the extreme opposite. Of course I wake up today.check the phone....there is a fresh message from this woman at 2.30am. It was harmless.........but, of course it all goes somewhere....it is playful but, nothing explicit. And of course all the call logs I found yesterday have been deleated and all of his sent and received texts. Now I am playing it cool........I have to....I cannot loose it. I am thinking thinking thinking.........He was so nice this morning....so loving.....I left the house early so that I could work out before work because I was feeling the pain again. I say we have to spend time and he said any time I want just say the word..between our schedules it is tough. Anyway I am keeping a lid on it. Am I waiting for something to happen? I certaintly do not want to force it. I cannot fught with him right now....of course it is eatting me. This is my plan. Carry on with my week and do everything I have to .....so that I feellike I am achieving and keeping it together......sure I am going to monitor the phone and his whereabouts............in a week or two I am going to approach him with everything and then ask him about what his decision is? In the meantime I want to let this behaviour sink into me........ Like I said if it is mindless flirting and he needs to do this.....I am going to let it happen......for now. I am not hystercal but, I know I have so many important things going on right now.......that if I start to approach him now......I will get hurt because he will be cruel for my spying. Anyway I want to watch what happens......I need to know if this is just him just testing the waters again............. look i love him....I am hurt by all of this.......... if I get nothing from him in a couple of weeks and I see nothing has really changed......but, he has becime more sneaky.then I may call her and ask her what is going on. And I am going to try to just focas on stuff I have to do right now.........give him and me space.....see what happens...........if he does not tell me anything and I see stuff still going on.......then this feeling in my stomach that sits...... will tell me what to do.........I am giving him rope............. becuase so far we are still girlfirend and boyfriend........we sleep together.....we meet each other at my house at the end of our evenings...... more later....

Well I am not getting off work until god knows when? Then I iwll take a cab home and we will meet at my place......I had a little cry.........he told me that what he and his friends were cooking was wonderful and he was looking forward in having me come there to feed me and see all this wonderful food. He told me not to be sad and that he will hold me all night because I am overworked, unhappy and sad.......... I am so upset.........but, also because I know I honestly can say that I am not in a lovely socialble mood with the man I have no idea what is going on with. To sit with his friends.........friends I do not know......eat....I am also upset becuase this rarely happens and it is the first time that we are doing soemthing nice and normal..... I am hurt...... But, hopefully scoring more brownie points at work so that instead of me being fired I can quit...........that is the best thing about the day........... I am so * * * *ing confused by this man............I just do not understand this.... I am glad I have got through these last four days...........I have not lost it.......I have kept a lid on it and I feel........pain..........pain....... But, I want to say I feel alittle better about the last four days of not drinking, working hard at my job, pleaseing everyone around me so that I am the superstar again...........working out in the gym......not losing it........not crying any moment I have........although I have to say that the ears are easily there......I just hold them in everytime.........and it is amazing what sets it off...... But, I hold onto them.......I almost burst into tears on the runner yesterday because of a bad soul train r and b tune.....I mean really I hate that kind of music unless it is really good............anyway some things leave me on the verge.............

Of course I am just cut up. But, I need something solid. He told me he wants to sleep with people. Has he again? I am really not sure. I do not think so. I think there has been flirting but, I honestly believe it is harmless at this point. I think I caught before. He knows what I am going through and he knows how unhappy I am. I just feel I need something more solid this time. Time. Sure he told me. But, I need to ask him if again if that is what he wants. Then, I will have to let him go.......if I can do that....but, I know I have to. When all this was came out at Christmas. When we were screaming and crying and he was being a saditsic bastard .and blah blah blah....you know the story... He said he was going to think about it. I told him he had to have space and decide what he wants. He said he would. I feel I need another conversation about this with him. I can't go screaming at him while he so far has (i think done nothing). he has spent a lot of time at my place and I know pretty much what is going on with him. IF I KNEW HE WAS * * * *ING SOMEONE RIGHT NOW I WOULD LEAVE. OR I WOULD STAY STOP NOW OR LOSE ME. Which is what I said last time. Of course that stopped but, the contact did not. I need this finalized. Does that seem crazy. I do not think so. It was left at...........I need to think......in inbetween this time I have worked my * * * off.....dealt with lawyers and horribly huge decisions and got drunk for four days...........he has got drunk too.......but, has been there for me eventually........ I need a final this is what I want and I want that to come after space.....I feel I am still in that space of time.....where sure I do not want to scare him the * * * * away........ This is what I am telling myself after this morning. I have not called him. I have called her from a private number........that was first thing in the day......I think I am over that,,,,,,,,, I worked out two hours again....feel better....... I am just getting though the day and maybe I can get tonight off and maybe I can't.................... I am sad.......so I worked myself until I was soaking wet and * * * * there was a love story on the screen........I just turned up the pace......until I was not thinking about it anymore and could just hear my hart pound pound......... now I am a little uptight.......I iwll check his boards.....just to see that he is awake and doing something productive........

I just do not want to do what I normally do.......scream and shout and push him in a corner.......I want to sit it out...........spy, see how often this is.......possibly give us a little space but, more importantly get on together..........I want to see what happens........see that if this is harmless.......will it go away......will it develop............ I need to sit it out........I do not want to force him again.............I want to sit back........feel my misery and then see what happens and then see how I will walk away........ am I wrong.....I want to see him tonight and he really wants to see me....... * * * * * * * * * * * *

Taking time off is a really good idea......stay away......... let me tell you that I spent three hours working out, taking a sauna and swim yesterday.washed my hair.......stuff like that and I felt better........I wirled out hard enough that I was not consumed by this. It is si hard.I am not getting any sleep. Although my job does ot permit a comfortable sleep anyway and i am up all night and early to rise.......I took off at midnight last night. I was possibly meeting him to see a band.I knew that I would get out late so I just told him to continue on with his stuff. I needed down time. he wanted to come over later though....I said I was getting up at 7am.....anyway i get home at 2am wake at 7am and now I am back at work........anyway he came around 4am....I knew where he was.......so I was not stressed...... he came in drunk....he loves me so much I smell so wonderful......I am lovely.............wonderful.......it would not stop........then I had to just say listen I am so tired..........thank you for all these nice compliments but, I am up in three hours and he has to be quiet. Anyway I wake up. Check his phone. This is all I found. 1 text from this girl...just saying.hey annoying how are you? Then a call from him to her Wednesday night at 11pm and then two calls calls to her Thursday night at 1.30am. Also two missed calls from her to him.... anyway........of course I am just hurt. But, what should I do? I am thinking of leeting it slide see how this week goes.......give him some space.......give myself some space.......work......get through my week.....alot is happening and I have a couple of deadlines.Work out.....and just let be what should be...........feel what I feel....think what I think...........then when I feel a little stronger.........let him know that if he wants to be with other women go ahead as I do not want him as my boyfriend anymore. First I wanted to call her. Call her up and be polite and just tell her that I am his girlfriend of 5 years and I see that there are calls. And as I am not getting any infomration from him i would like to know what is going on as I need some solid truths and I can move on with my life. Then I started to think that ......maybe this is just mindless flirting and playing and things will take care of themselves............am I even more stupid? Am I lying to myself again? Tonight he invited me to one of his gang of friends houses that I do not hang with to have dinner......it seems like a nice thing to do....I want to go.....but, of course this is sticking to my heart, stomach and mental health. I see what happens when I confront him. It goes terribly wrong and ends up with my screaming and crying for days.........Of course if I cannot go tonight because of work..........I cannot go......but, we hardly do nice things together and he hardly ever invites me to hang with his new circle of friends......even though I know them all.......this is becuase we mainly have different hours and are involed in different things at night......... Different stuff but, it does overlap alot.

I dunno about all the back expenses.That is hard. It is also something one does when they are very angry (which you are). Unless you are in a bad finacial situation and he is in an amazing one now. Seems like your are on your way to walk out so why bother with the details. Of course I have seen television shows where the girlfriend tries to get money back. They are always so desperate and sad. Nah! I say * * * * it......tell him to leave you alone if you are really at that point. Sure you are so hurt right now and I feel it is all sinking in......right now hence, the anger. You are doing well. Stay with it.......I am nowhere near that point. Walk and never look back..even if he took yer money....the little jerk!

My personal feelings have always been * * * *ed with. I feel too much. I am overwhelmed by them and I try not to deal with them........ ha........i forgot that they are ultimately mine and maybe I can change them...... My stomach is in knots again. I have no idea how his evening ended up......no idea.....it's a horrible feeling I have. I am supposed to be off tonight,,,,,,,,,but, am thinking of staying and working......scoring brownie points.......avoid what happened last night........ I want to call...........I want to know what he did last night.........so far I know he was probably very drunk.......he eitehr went to my house where there was no computer because he has not checked his regular places.......or he is at his place and he has not woken up yet to check......or he is * * * *ig someones brains out and nothing matters....... Jesus..........................let this month go away..... I have some time off now and I think I may just go and work out for a long long time.........try and feel human.....although I am tempted to make my way home just to see what happened.............I will not do that.......I will not call....me first........nice lunch.......work out........breath.........I just do not want to call.....and if he calls me I do not want to answer.........not yet......I want to get through this day.......right now all I have are big questions above my head. My feelings suck........I am tryinbg to control them about my job today........so hard..........i am being brave and not quitting.i am just working extra efficiently so that I do not get fired too..........I am always in this unbalanced unknown place.......

I am now angry......angry at the * * * * some people can spin.......he is spinning * * * *.....how different was she? She was inhuman to his needs? I think he is a porky pier! His lonely clock is ticking away and he lost a nice lady who could not stand his stuff..........I am so tired of these 'special' women and 'real' women and 'different women' and all these wonderful undertsandings......I gotta go..........I must sleep.....my tummy hurts all over again because of this guy who has hurt you........ I will say something a little smarter and maybe funnier tomorrow with hopefully correct spelling............of course that is I can control my anger...You seem like a nice person who had given me lovely advice during my horrific time........the thought of you even thinking or considering this fool.......makes me sad.......especially after two years of no contact..... I am a babe in the woods......

Please let me know when you do that..how you walked away.......what has happened.......and how you have no regrets.........

I want to not be a little girl....... and have him love me and just want me....... I thought I was so damn compliated.....he tell sme I am so messed up from a young age......for pretty much my family life to now.....

O.k I will keep to this precise moment I want to not feel like this I want to be in control of my feelings I want to be strong I want to not have the man I love hurt me so much I want to stop feeling like I am so disgusting and horrible. I want to not have someone else control my happiness. I want to be enough for this person I want him to stop being human? like i said he was honest.....but, this time how honest was that? I want to be a grown up I want my life to change. I WANT HIM TO NOT WANT TO TELL ME. I WANT TO * * * * OTHER WOMEN AND BE CLOSE TO THEM ...... I feel so stupid then I want to paint solidly for a year and travel alittle......pick my life up again and see why my business has failed and I constantly fail I want to ultimately be happy in my day with me.......and not destroy myself

thats the plan........thats what he said..........I agreed......that is when I may finish work.......he said that is when we can have a nice evening together........after the terrible week I am having...... I keep lapsing....I am not going forward with this.....I have not even sent that letter.............clearly outlining that I cannot be with him like this.....I feel like I am still in the midst of the battle.........its all so new.......it was all so explosive.......

I am not sure......I am just very overwhelmed right now. I went for a quick walk...........and CALLED! He was on his way out to some event. I told him about my * * * * day......he told me about his migrane........I told him I having a bad time at work.....he said be strong stick it though........I said blah blah blah.............I was weak weak weak,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,so alone so desperate........I feel worse.......then I called back and said: look I just love you.....he said he loved me......... he wanted to just go out.....I iwll now check this event exists like an idiot and try and find it on line.......I am very emtional.........too much emotions,,,,,yep my imagination followed with vividness and paranoia.......all very much true............ I wanna to smash my head throguh glass.......... I just want to sleep.......... I am dealing with well.........I had to call................tomorrow he comes back to my place......if I am not working or fired or just whatever the hell tomorrow has in line for me........... I did not even try........hey I left it to like 10.15pm......not that bad.......I have not texted him.......I am so worried about him just going out there and * * * *ing someone right now............I hope he will not........wait it out....... I got so many truths......what the * * * * does it take? Dark blue....being me has always been difficult.and in times like this....I am awful........... I * * * *ing HATE HATE HATE myself for calling and being so damned pathetic.......](*,)

I can't.......I am at work......I just can't .........maybe after February I could really go somewhere......and feel this pain.......that is one of my plans if everything goes well this month.......just take the * * * * off........I was going to take him....i wanted to.,......but, now I am thinking I will alone.......walk alot and * * * *ing cry in the most beautiful place I can find.....................then paint for a year! I am about to go for a small 15 mintue walk if everything settles.......I may even enjoy a smoke BUT I CANT * * * *ING CALL

My stomach is in knots..........I am so * * * *ing stressed that with everything else that is going on......I am stuck here working my * * * *ing * * * off and he is * * * *ing something that makes him feel great..........while I go through the worst * * * * of my life........... well this can't end in an explosion......i can't let it........but, everything points to me losing it.........really really bad........ I WILL NOT CALL HIM.......I WILL DEAL WITH EACH PROBLEM AS THEY ARISE...............I WILL NOT CAVE......... I want to scream and cry my * * * *ing head off.

I agree about the mother thing.......but, there has been a couple of times I wanted to go over there and slap her for the * * * * she bought into this world...........never have.......probably never could............anyway I found out a long time after he had his affairs that his mother travelled to one of the so called affairs city and actually he had set up a nice coffee luncheon so that his mother could pratice her German with is "friend". You are handling this very well......I am someone who is very down right now and in a bad situation but, I was truly impressed. Well done. I can't give any advice......I would not feel right. But, I am happy to see you not loose it........very brave young lady indeed. An inspiration!

I really do not want to get into such deatils at this point. Especially as I think I am quite a unique individual.............a damn loser right now..but, i want to keep it a little private.........theres too much going on right now that ............jesus ....................i need to just be a little........er.........descreet..........right now I could be any stupid woman who can't stand the thought of telling this * * * *er to * * * * off! I am feeling something in the pit of my stomach......and I got this weeks pay check even though I was out of the loop four days.........mean there are two problems off my back this weekend? well.......almost..........my rents are late......and right now that is not cool for both of my landlords who are ready to kick me out any moment..........I got very * * * *ed up for four months last year and could do nothing........so I let everything slide........I am just catching up now........ In a few days two years ago when I heard about these affairs i ended up in intensive care......I think I mentioned that..........anyway I am feeling that all over again.......but, hey..............I think something is a little different.................I am not crying today......I did not cry yesterday.............that is the difference......... I am hoping this is a good sign coz I do not see nay more right now......I have been thinking about these women..........looking obsessiovely at pictures on the internet......and I want to kill them.......I stopped calling just before I got * * * *ed up on booze........it has been most probably over a week...................... I am feeling * * * * it..........lets see where the chips lie this time..........and when I am out of my job.......hopefully Sunday........i iwll be so busy with eprsonal projects that I do not think about this..........I CANT....... I feel it in my stomach. Their faces haunt me.......the times I have been in the same room.......taking his * * * * while he * * * *ed other women............. Today I am feeling pain and anger..............today I am not so destroyed.........I have not called him...............that is a big thing for today. I have to take one step at a time.....I was reading another girls problems last night....some porr girl out in Sydney with an * * * * * * *.....I could not believe it. Then I remembered on yeah whats worth realationships with other women behind your back or a load of one night * * * * stands? It all is horrible...........she seems to be doing well...........I was impressed.........but, of course intsantly reminded myself of how unipressed I am with myself. Then her * * * * * * * boyfriends comes on line and beats everyone down................something like watching a bunch of retards playing twister..........I laughed..........but, I realized how much I hated this guy and saw what an animal he was........how angry he was......how absolutely awful he was......... and the thing is I find all humanity a bunch of retards playing twister.......however.......some of us do it with a little more dignity and respect to one another...........and when we fall .......we don't drag others with us like some other weak * * * *s out there...........coz a cool retard playing this game walks away and finds humor and wants to try again...... I am rambling.......sorry. I am glad I am not an animal.