Sadmoop

Just so you know I started seeing a top psychologist..or whatever you call them about 3 to 4 weeks ago......she forced me to go yesterday when I said I was not coming in......well, she did pull me by my throat but, she could see I was bad......and i realized that if I am to change I must go......we discussed the future if this happens again.....and if so that she will also need me to see someone who will work out my problems with me and possibly put me on something that supress the drinking..........for now I am just hanging in there..........working......not fired today but, I work in a * * * *ing ridiculous situation and on a minute by minute basis the stress is * * * *ing horrible........on top of that I am not really appreciated....even though I am one of the best at my job.my boss hates me because believe it or not she has more of an insane life than me........... I am just trying to keep it together incase I get fired over the next few days or my court case comes to an end on Monday or the boyfriend * * * *s someone tonight..............who the hell knows..........i iwl not be out of my job until Sunday night most probably.........I have a lot to juggle..........but, I have to keep it together too much is going on in my life this week to take anoter drink!!!!!

hello........i have drunk myself stupid and taken a lot of pills since new Years Night...........I have been sober two days now and trying to keep it together.........I could not go back to work yesterday and I cancelled my therapy yesterday. The woman who I just started seeing about 3-4 sessions ago called me back and forced me to go today. I did. She was right. It helped to talk. But, we did not really talk about him. I could not. We taled about how I destroyed myself to serious danger the last four days. So much happened. I could not work, pay my rents, pick myself off the floor........ When I get destruction like that I can really get bad.......I am trying to keep it together today........its hard. But, here I am at work......my boss is pissed off with me......but, I think that is also just her..........I see my job not lasting..........I see my life slipping away at times...........but, tonight I started to focas on something else................and it has helped...........of course I have this underlying stress.........I have lost weight and I have to say that the last four days.....I could or ended up in a diabetic seizure or just dead in the back of someones car.........i severaly burnt myself (I do not know how) on my arm......and I have a gash on my * * * that is pretty bad............ But, today I am a little stronger than I was the last four days and I am sober..........will I hear more news by the weekend that will destroy me.........I know this can't happen.......weridly enough the boyfriend wants me to keep it together and said he was proud that I did not drink yesterday and that I was going to work and seeing my therapist today........ My court case is creeping closer.........it is scary........psychologically I am not ready fpr this case and I most probably will not have to have to go as I am the victim......but, there is so much on my plate right now........so much...... When I loose my will to care I will drink and I become a zombie.......nothing scares me and I am dead........i walk around at 4am in the morning drunk.......apparently I sat outside my friends bar and refused to go in and I told him I was very unhappy and I did not want to talk about it..........he said he saw in my whole body and eyes that I was not there and he was worried.......some girl wanted to talk to me about it........I just said to them to leave me alone I am too sad...... Of course I am worried........what is next...........my deep feelings of unhappiness creep up and hit me so hard.......then after I have taken my first drink.......nothing matters.........and I have not thought it through.......that is the child in me...... all I can say is that I do not feel right now.......I am not hysterical......I am not crying............I am not sad...........I am just coping with the fact that I have to get up and face my job........feeling like I amy be fired any minute............feeling that infact yes I could destroy my life very quickly.......and tomorrow is important enough........that if I do not pull it together......by tomorrow night I could be in a very bad situation........ But, I am trying again......i took four days back...........I have spent time with him.........he is worried about me.....proud that these last two days I am trying..... I have no * * * *ing idea anymore what is the truth........ Please tell me what you think else I do not know about him.........please keep my eyes open...what else could there possibily be? But, I will come back hee to read these words.........read everyones comments.......but, hearing * * * * him * * * * him you derserve better has not sunk in yet.....................I want to hear something else........like it will be all ok and you will work it out.......am I that stupid?

I am a mess..I think there is really so much going on with this man/boy..............I think he has some really really deep * * * *ed up issues here..........Everytime I look for something i find it..............many many womens profiles on the computers of women who just wanna * * * *............I can't believe this exists in the world...............naked pictures.................untold amounts of porn............hotel rooms for two invoices............phone numbers..............some girl id in his back pocket...........I know alot of it is fantasy.............and titilation............but, affairs have happened.............there is so much weirdness here.................I got so drunk last night and screamed..........I ran off and walked the streets for hours drunk...........I am so hungover and then we spent all day having sex............I found a suspect invoice last night in his bag.........I did not say a word..............but, wow did it build up...........I have got to pull myself together and make a plan.............I am going to visit a friend an ex fling..............he had a brain anyersym..........I miss him........he makes me happy................ I also think my man/boy has some kind of sex problem now...............I mean he really really wants to * * * * lots of women and hookers and escorts............of course I am strong believe it or not...........and when I stand up to him he crumbles and is the nicest person in the world........... I am so * * * *ed up..... Happy New Year Not aloners! I will keep you posted..............

well........it will have to be a conversation after tonight. I think tomorrow when we wake up together...I think I will just tell him then......look if this is going to happen I do not want to see you............Oh I just do not know when......... I am * * * *ed...........

To everyone who has given me support here. I will finish work soon and have my first chance to work out in a few days.....which will help tremendously I find. I will go home..........tonight I will attend my art opening for the paintings I did while I was crying my eyes out over Christmas and attend the party where the boyfriend will be doing the music.......I have four days off................I am going to just see what happens for now....... I am going to just really structure myself....so I do business, paint and take care of stuff.............I will keep you posted......I have not sent the letter. he is at my house........I think I should send my letter before I go home.........just to let him know that I am not going to take his decision........what do you think? Letter I am feeling so much pain right now. I love you so much and have wanted us to be happy for so long. I do not want to loose you.........The thought of loosing you is tearing me apart. And loosing you to have sex with other women is killing me. It is ripping me up. I am not angry.........I am just feeling overwhelmed and incredibly hurt. I feel like I have been stunned........I am in a daze......an awful confused, vulnerable, unstable state. I want us to work things out. I want you to be faithful to me.............But, you have explicitly told me that you want sex with other women. I wonder if you have already or have I forced the issue early enough before this was about to happen.......all over again and crushes me. Do you think we could be together under those circumstances? I think I would be in tears all the time.........I think it would put me over the edge.........if I could live that way........and be a healthy happy person ......I would do it......but, I know I will suffer incredibly and I know how this will be for me.I do not think you want me to see me like that......its too much. I can't live like that. It would destroy me.....it is destroying me now..........I am hurting so much over this. I understand a lot about you..... when I am calm and think about how much I really do love you.....I love you to understand your life and you. I know how young you are..........I know what it is like for you. I know what is has been truly like. And I know you. I do. I know. I am not stupid. You think I am. You think I do not get you. But, you would be surprised how much I understand. But, you said something to me that is very true. Emotionally I have not evolved. I have not been taught that from a young age. I was not bought up that way. I was bought up with pain, lies and very extreme emotional highs and lows and was always left alone in a terrible state of panic and I was terrified of life. One day I may evolve. I want to. I want to not feel so torn up inside. You are my boy and I care for you so * * * *ing much...I know this is important to you ........I know what you think of me...... I am not so stupid.......It has been so hard being with me...........I know..........I know........I do not not want to say goodbye........but, my heart and how I feel about you could not accept you sleeping with other women while we are together........I think it would be just the kind of thing that would turn me into a total * * * *ing mess with nothing left of me......I would not want to live like that..........I have seen what that does to people.........I have too much respect for you to not let that happen to us......I do not hate you. I do not want to hate you. I do not blame you...........and if ending this relationship knowing that I love you so much is the way it should be.....then I would prefer that than see myself hate you and see us decline into a deeper road of destruction........I can't let this happen to us.........and I know it is easier to hate.....I am not that way.........I could never hate you......I am unhappy but, hate is not something that I feel........even after all that has happened between us.......... But, you have your life and no one should ruin it........and I want you to be so * * * *ing happy....I alos want this for my life....I want you to feel the best you have ever felt......me too.....I wish I could do that for you...........when I hold you and feel you are really there.......it is the most safest place in the world for me........when you are away from me and you are right in front of me........it cuts me so cold that I am dead inside ..........its a terrible thing........... Please do not do this to us............please...........take time to think this over........lets make this work............. Your my boy................please........let's spend some time together and see what we do have between us........ Please do not destroy me........I love you too much to see this happen................I am * * * *ing trying so hard to keep it together............. I just hate myself right now..........But, I cannot go through this.....and I would think that you would not want me to go through this pain.........could you be happy that way? I would rather be alone and unhappy than with you and devastated every living second.I can't believe you would want this for me. This is not love of me. erm............ Reading this letter makes me not want to send it today......I do not feel those please do not destroy us today..........I may leave it.......although I feel I shold tell him straight that I do not want to be with him anymore under these circumstances........I think I iwll just have to tell him to his face....... * * * * this nice letter............

Yes I know. It is not my way...... It always sounded a recipe for disaster. How have you had several? I am faced with this now. I know I will walk from this.......eventually.........but, for now I am just so torn up. I can't see myself doing that with someone I loved.......maybe a few people that I did not love......... like Oh! I dunno I do dinner with this one.........weird movies with that one.......whatever with whathisname.......but, I tried haveing men friends last summer....and I think I hurt all of them.......and I could not have sex with any of them.......I could not share that part of me with them...of course I was also involved with my long term boy/man? But, I am curious to how that happens? O.k like my situation I have been told. I will send him a letter soon.......I may post it........then I will ask for his final decision.......then I will walk........or I will try to.. OoOoOo I sound so big now.........I am sure I iwll be on my knees by tomorrow night crying my eyes out........ I think I am still lying to myself

well all I can say is that I did not call him.......but, he called me........said he was missing me and was thinking nice thoughts..........I iwll probably see him tomorrow......like I said I am working and will finish tomorrow and have four days off. I felt very sad today. I wish I could let myself feel it......I am in such a state of denial. I need space.....my job almost took me out of town to Disney land for fours days .which I was * * * *ing dreading......and I have always wanted to go.....but I am not in a Minnie Mouse mood right now.......anyway I do need space........I will give more information at some point......hopefully later tonight while I am trying to relax..............I am not sure when but, I want to take off for a few months....back to where I come from.......a few new places......who knows........but, for the immedite fours days I have coming.......i want to paint.............and I am not sure how to deal with all of this............he is still at my place and I feel safe knowing he is there.........I do not know what he is doing tonight......and the dread lurks........but, I will not call him..........although after he called me I did text him and told him I loved him and that e wil see each other soon..... deep down I remember him leaving here in New York and asking him to stay longer and him saying he had work to do....then finding out afew months later he was in bed with a a younger woman 5 hours after being in bed with me..... I just do not want to believe he will do this again right now after all the tears..........but, he has said he loved me and could just switch to another like that........I can't......I had a few flings in the summer.......i could not have sex with them......which caused a problem....I just wanted company.....friendship from a man who does not make me sad.......but, I never really felt strong for them.....I liked the company......but any sexy activity would come after a few martinis and then some........I took a lot of pills last summer and drank way too much.............I was just so distant and unhappy...............i felt homeless because I had rented out my home to him and then something bad happened to me where I kind of live/work...so I could not go anywhere.............I ended up checking myself into hotels.....now I have my home back.... God it goes on and on............... I am not hysterical which is different than what it was like last time.......I am thinking ,,,,,,,,,I am feeling.......... This board is helping so much......a place to go to.......a place to vent.......a place to hear and put some stuff into perspective......but, does anyone have some hope? i mean did anyone get back together happy......did anything work out? Did some women let there men do what they wanted and were not destroyed??????? Am I grasping..........jesus its hard! But, thank you everyone out there.

He is walking away.........he told me he wants to sleep with other women.......I feel like a lost child.....he seems more of a grown up than me at this point.......he knows we can't stay together.......i am sure he is confused.but, if you say you want to sleep with other women you are saying that you want to walk away......... that is the hard part..... thank you for this advice.........today I am going to try and not call him and not be desperate.......it will be so * * * *ing hard........ I am needy, desperate.......I have been worse since the first lot of affairs.......slowly and slowly I have become more vunerable.......I know I make him sick sometimes....I cry.....I shout......I harass him.......I spy.......I am going through this horrific court case from when I was basically held down for four hours in my home and abused by his ex best friend...........he hates my weakness for this and blames me.....it goes on and on and on! I gotta get through this working day...........It is hard...... the motehr advice is very much something I know....it was good for me to read it so clearly point for point...............right now all my goal of the day is not to call him.........

Such nice words.......So brutally honest all of you. Of course this is everything I know.....I guess I have said almost all these things for a long time in my head every minute of the day. A couple of associates have said the same. One of my friends gets so angry and just tells me to not talk to her about it. She loves me and can't stand it. Very harsh girl from up North In England. She tries hard to listen to me and undertsand but, she cannot.I feel like an idiot a real fool.I have said this to myself for a long time. I started seeing a very good shrink about three weeks ago and I was referred to her by my lawyer as I am also going through a very difficult court case right now. It helps me. Since Christmas Eve I have not locked myself away.......I have managed work........a little painting.......and trying to do something social....Two years ago....I had my mother, a lovely gay man and my Japanese girlfriend to talk to all hours of the night on the phone........but, I was more hysterical.I can't listen to myself talk to anyone I know now. I just can't hear myself anymore. I am also not so out of control.......which is either a good sign or I am just dead to it all.... But, I am still so desperate.........I am still so...... .unsure.......I am doing ridiculous things like checking all the posting groups he is on to make sure he is not running around sleeping with anyone. I have called him.......even though I really want to give him and me space. I am now calling these women and hanging up. All of them......the two he may of slept with or wants to......the two he had affairs with before..............its stupid. I see my desires for life slipping.......it disgusts me. I am a 35 year old woman where I feel all my mistakes in life are coming back to kick me. he has drummed this in me.I do not live with him. He is 8 years younger than me. I understand where he is coming from.....I have had a very strange and unusual life........I told him everything about my past and he just blames me for everything. But, there is love...............he cried the whole Christmas with me.....if he was not coldly telling me I am a * * * * up and I deserve it .,...he was telling me that he loves me so much and always does.....I do not understand him......I am not a real woman..........I should love him and realize the life I have had and the sheltered one he has had. he tells me people can live like this. I know we can't.......we are both volitile. I hate the women from before who knew I exisited.......I think they have * * * *ed him up even more with what they have allowed.........he lied to them for so long and then eventually the found out and accepted it.....one of them would always ask how I was? It was awful to read these emails. i could not believe what I was reading. I could not understand it. I think I could never be with a man with a girlfriend or a wife or a lover......maybe a moment or two........but, I just could not.I am not perfect..........I am not an angel...........I am sure whoever he has feeling for right now do not know about me........so for now I cannot hate them....... I am blabbering on.......and still spying on him....... Like I said our situation has been complicated.......and becuase we both have not dealt with serious issues during our relationship we have got ourselves into a mess. He is not happy..........I know that.......i can see it.....I mean a man who can just collapse and tell me how much he loves me but, he has these strong feelings of what he has to do with his life as a young man.......... I am exhausted......Luckily I can't go home as I am working and will not probably be home until saturday........but, I have the nights alone......he is in my apartment very sick..........because my home is cozy......and he likes being there.......and I do not mind.........this is someone I have loved for years and whatever happens I will probably leave this relationship sad and still loving him.and that is hard because I do not hate him.......i am just so confused and hurt and just unsure of everything in my mind, body and soul heart............everything......](*,) ](*,) ](*,) ](*,) ](*,) ](*,)

I might post my own topic........I just am sick of hearing myself go on and on and on......I know what I should do.........I will try tonight after I tuck myself into bed with the laptop and share my experience on this subject. It long and painful and I am sure everyone is just going to tell me to just respect myself and move on.........right now I am just being the weak pathetic one..........all the power is in his hands and I am clasping onto anything and I am being so weak weak weak..........I can't make a step .....I can't think about it..........I am just overwhelmed, hurt and so low.....I am calling him.......texting him.........doing everything aprt from throw myself down to his feet and beg for it not to be this way...........I know I know I know........it is a terrible state to be in..........two years ago around the same time I was in this state and ended up in hospital from not eatting and going into so much stress I went into a diabetic seizure.....I was intensive care for a week..........I am scared I am slipping this way again. I will try and share soon....... Thank you

Gosh.....I am going through something as painful. I found this site tonight after pure desperation to reach out and find out what is normal and some kind of ..............Oh! I dunno answers! I am so tired right now to get into the details.........but, it has helped some part of me to read all of this. In the two affairs that my long term boyfriend has had on me and is about to have on me again after claiming he wants to sleep with other women and I should accept it......well, I have never contacted any of these women.....and they all knew I exsisted. My situation is complex and complicated and I feel like an idiot for staying but, I also 'love him'......but, as time goes on I am destroying every part of myself.........I was told on Chritmas Eve that my other half wants to sleep with other women...first time he has been honest but, I forced the issue and found texts and blah blah blah.....I am faced with a discision to put up with this or walk away............It is horrible. I am lucky that I am not married and there are no children involved and I do not plan this. But, it hurts still the same.....and when I read these posts there is a little sunshine that I am not crazy.........