Sadmoop

I know its hard to understand.......I am helping him. I have been in a position to. Sure it was horrifying, but, in all my emotional stress away from his affairs he was right there when I needed him. He never just walked away. I am feeling all confused but, not when it comes to being with him again. All I can say is my plan is to keep going on and move out of New York. After seven years we have been through a lot in in our early realtionship he put up with some very difficult stuff with me. I drank before I met him and only have treally given up in the last month properly where I feel I will never drink again. I wish someone out there would understand my need to help him. Sure its not what I should do but, I can't help being me. I do not hink he will be staying. It would * * * * me up. I think he also realizes this would be a death sentence for both of us. In our * * * *ed up way we do have love. I am just keeping my straight while I get through this with him. I do not htink he would seriously see my homelss and alone if I needed him. I have to keep all the * * * * separate for now. I just have to. I go from hate to disgust and anger every other hour at this point. I iwll not be truly free until I leave this city. I want to leave here knowing that he loved me all this time. He has told me that no matter what he did he loved me. He had to do it and it was the only way he could deal with this. he has stopped telling me to deal with it. he has apologized and I see him as a mess. he has stopped being an * * * * * * *. probably because I am helping. But, he is trying. Please undertsand.......I hope I am not back here in less than a week and have done something stupid to * * * * my emotions again......I AM JUST DEALING with the best way I know how.

Thank you. I am still in contact with him......it is so hard.....I can't walk away completely. All I know is that I am not drinking, I am leaving cities and I know I can't be with him. I am helping him though and we are trying to be nice to each other.It is sad. I just have to stay strong. Tonight I will probably take a cab to his house and give him a load of boxes to help him move. He is being evicted and basically has two days. I have helped alot with this over the last three days. I know people will just say stay away but,I can't. But, the situation is that I cannot be with him. He will be homeless and was going to stay with me for a couple of weeks until he has found somewhere. But, he is looking for alternatives and that is the best idea. I want to just help help help........but, I have to try so hard to keep on my decided track.

I have not been a regular here. because I have been in denial. I only came here when I was out of my mind and suicidal. It helped to release. I have never been much of a talker. Maybe this board saved my life when I had nothing and no one. Thank you last Friday I finished with my boyfriend of seven years. He has had four affairs that I know of one which lasted over a year and a half and bought him to another country. There are probably loads more and I think one night stands and prostitutes. He was abusive and has pratically called me a * * * * for six and a half years every day.He went back to one of the women and I caught him last Monday. I promised myself that after January in 2006 when he had another affair that if I saw anything like this again I would have to walk away or it would cost me my life. I found out. Eventually I called her because I was not getting any truths. She lied. Eventually her guilt got the better of her. She told me everything. They have been together on and off since last year. This was a woman that he had an affair with for about 4 months three years ago. He kept lying to the very last minute when he could not lie anymore. he wnet on and on until this woman bcc her emails to him with all the truth. Thatis what it took. I finsihed with him Friday night. I changed the locks Saturday morning. I met him last night to sort out some finacial details that I rpomised I would help him out with. He expected to stay at my house and got angry when I said we are over and staying at my house is a bad idea. I have now tied up most of the loose ends that are complicated and I never want to talk to him in person or see him again. I am moving countries. I am devistated.......but, I feel right and I know I will get through this......the pain is unbearable......but, nothing to what I have experienced and what has developed over the last week forget about the last seven years. SO THERE IT IS. Thius is the first time I have done anything like this. I have sort of broke up with him and not talked to ghim for a day but, I have felt weak and panicked and did not want to loose him. I would beg for him not to leave me. Now I am disgusted with him. I do not hate myself and I do not feel weak today. I feel good. * * * * i have been through it...... THANX EVERYONE and anyone else out there.........know how they LIE LIE LIE........until you almost have to see there * * * * in their affairs. And then there would be an amazing excuse........I NEVER BELIEVED IT.

......all I can say is that I am still in therapy......I am making a plan of moving cities.......he may come later if there is a good seperation period and I can get strong.......but, I am going alone first which may help me.......my closet friend said that once I get a little stronger and move to a new place and start to be alone I iwll never look back.....but, for now I am still with him.......he is going through a lot right now and I am helping him the best I can with wariness.but, it is never that simple and I have been with him almost 6 years......I am looking forward in a seperation period.......

Thank you........I am trying........I fall I pick myself up...........that's all I can say to all you for your wonderful support ......thank you thank you thank you

I am working like crazy so I am exhausted all the time. Things are tough. I spent 2 hours really crying my eyes out to my therapist tonight. I am trying to get out of town for three days to clear my head. I am still with him but, we are on such shakey ground. I wish I had the strength to just walk away and never look back. But, things are never that black and white........and I do love him. I realize that it is dysfunctional on almost every level and has been for many years. I just wish this would all change.....I have been trying for such a long time. I am trying to be good to myself but, I am consumed with our relationship whcih only makes matters worse........

I just wrote a very long letter and I deleated it.........It exhausted me...... So, key points. 1. Sober for 6 weeks 2. Therapist once a week 3. Psychologist once a month 4. Feeling stronger 5. Still with him 6. Things are better 7. He had an affair again 8. I still spy 9. Slept with lots of men this year including his close friend. 10. We are getting on better 11. For now I am happy to be with him but, there are horrible days when I see what he had done to me and put me through. 12. I take some responsibility 13. I sometimes hate him 14. I occasionally still do the hang up calls to at least one of these women. 15. I try and remember it will happen again 16. I never want to be in that psotion again 17. I stilllove him 18. go to 15 19. go to 15 20. go to 15

When I have the mental strength I will re read all that I wrote and post a reply on what my life has been like these past fewmonths since I vanished. All I can say is that I am coping and still alive and going on. I could not see that far a while back.

I am still here.Still alive and still coping.I came here a few months ago and I was in a very bad place. I found this site ago and wanted to thank everyone who gave me advice and help when I was extremely low. More later as to what has happened these past months. A sad Moop

scrap that last sentence........although hmmmm there maybe something in it.......I am having a beer..... I MEAN MORE LIKE MY MOTHER TEE HEE!

I continue with my crazy schedule.........I am still with this man........of course he is being lovely.......but, I see the future.......he already thinks he should live for free with me in the future when I get a beautiful home.... I dunno.....I want an affair with someone wonderful.......I want to feel amazing again.......strong.............a fantatsic woman where I am adored like I used to be.........of course he adored me once.......I understand that that is at the beginning and is un natural....... I realized i just need to distract myself with work...........not men..... but, I like them........ ........and I hate being alone............ I am just that way..... Yeah the poem may have to go Hope! heh heh! WHATEVER! So, i am obsessing with his friend......he is gorgeous in my mind.......so talented......so sexy............such a terrific nerd..........huge * * * *...... what am I saying!!!!!!!!! I am going to start a list soon......... what I want in a man............ In answer to an earlier question.........LOVE was werid in my family.......I either got way too much in the form of gifts and money or I was being abused by my mother with insults......I realized my mother is like this man.......I was called a little * * * * from a very early age..... ahhhhh everyone says......I see the light. My father was never around.....always unavailable......excuses.......many women........I always thouht that this man of mine is mopre like my money......................

I am actually uncomfortable with how much details I have given. I like it here but, I am so nervous of someone reading this...........I slept with another man.,......of course I was drunk......but, I have liked him for a while...............it is a close friend of the man I am having problems with......

Hmmmmm my dream man......now that is a great exercise for me......a friend once told me that she did that and stuck to her list after she went out with * * * * * * * * for such a long time...........anyway just so you all know.....something happened the other night........

Well, I can start with saying that I think not a day has gone by for four years when he has not shouted and called me a * * * * * a * * * *. He screams at me that I stupid and that I am not a real woman. he tells me my attack was all my fault....when he is really mean and I fight back he then reduces me to tears by telling me to go and get raped......it goes on and on and on.... I do not know what I am achieving......a satisfaction that she has turned off here phone..........I dunno...it is my obssional side.........I can't do anything else for now........ I know its all the wrong way..........

I am back......feeling stronger.....it was o.k.some parts were nice.....of course there was a * * * *ing horrible few hours of him screaming at me that I am worthless * * * *........I have not had sex with him...........on our way back he hid his phone from me and i asked him why he was acting so weird.......he told me that I was acting weird....I called him a liar and left it at that...........I am feeling o.k......I am planning for the future.........I called her and hung up 5 times today..........I am going to therapy tomorrow.....i still have this job.....I am interviewing Thursday for new positions as I am unhappy where I am and I have to take a step forward. I dreaded coming back to New York......but, I am planning......planning to possibly move by May........unless I get a job I cannot refuse.....but, hey I can take another job while I am making plans........ It is weird being back.....I am back at work .my long long nights......and of course he is running around...... I hated him so much for what he said to me this weekend about so much...... I am just getting though this case...........this job......then I think I am off.......I think it is the only way.......I have started to think about subletting my apartment.......packing up.....making a year plan......and moving to another country..........

well he is stating the brutal honesty of how part of me feels..............and I can take that today...........otherwise ..............I don't know.........

You are right. Dignity is better..........sexually I can feel worse afterwards anyway and that is one moment in time while dignity lasts all the time and keep syour fundamental structure about yourself and everything that evoles around it......... I am suppose to go to his family house this weekend.................there are some benefits.I could get alot of work done on the computers there and I really need that.....................I think it maybe good...........I am still disgusted........and at some point will buy condoms.................and I do not think I could blow him either!!!!!!!!!!! heh heh there has to be some humor here........... I am getting though each day.......I finished three pieces of art work last night and delivered them to the gallery........... I am doing stuff.........I am also not calling him every minute or the other women................I am also not feeling so horribly sad and low.............. who knows what all this means.like I said minute by minute day by day............sure we are seeing each other at 3am in the morning and then getting up for our days.....so we are not really spending time together...just kind of passing each other by............tonight I do not think I will see him and of course that is when all these calls happens....................who cares hopefully if I can get off work I will be at an art opening.........

its kinds of sadly funny.........i am very concerned about my lip..........i am also very itchy everywhere I mean EVERWHERE..........I have been known for my paranoia but, good I am sexually disgusted my job ends in a month.......it has nothing to do with me.......the job is moving back to London.............i knew something was up........

I am very broke down..............but, I think I have sold four little paintings in a show I have right now.................so you know what...........I feel a little better............I am thinking very much,,,,,,,,,,,,I spoke to a good friend...........she told me to * * * *ING USE CONDOMS............am I crazy.....so.........that is that..............condoms..........I am a little disgusted to even touch him today.......... anyway...........I feel everything come at me at once..............I am pulling it together.I * * * *ING HAVE TOO Can you imagine all the things I am dealing with.........I feel like I am on a time bomb...I hope I explode in a good way,......

can't remember what list that is.........just found out that my job is probably over in a week..............nothing to do with my performance..........anyway I am off to therapy...............I am so feeling it.I am now horribly paranoid as I have some kind of something on my lip.................I never never get things on my lip..................... of course I know I can be outrageously paranoid.............I guess this is expected with everything else going on...........So far I have ignored him all day............and honestly not missed him or panicked............I just feel deeply betrayed and disgusted.........

I am not sure if this will make any sense to anyone out there............but, I hope it does.......... I am waiting.for the right time..................for me this is not crazy.........I feel I have to be really strong to let this go and tell him to his face why............or even not say anything..............right now I am weak..........very weak........I need to work all this out in my mind.........i am feeling so very low........I need to get through this month......it is important..............it has been a long time I have put up with stuff.......and now things are unravelling right before my eyes....... if I start down that path now.............I iwll not be able to cope..... So if this makes any sense.......I am waiting until I feel alittle strong..........and I am working on that.......I am letting this all sink in.............and I am waiting until everything in my life is secure........my job, the court case and everything............if I start to let go now I iwll collapse and I am scared.......I know myself............i know when I am strong..I am not strong right now........ i read the loser article posted by dark blue............alot of getting out of the realationship is planning..........working it out for your get out............when I get out I will take time off and go away......that is my first plan..........right now I cannot do that. I am not strong enough to say .i have had enough........not this week..............yes I know the damage this is causing but, I can take alot .............I have already................ do this make sense.....because when I walk away...........i want to feel every last bit of pain he has given me and not crumble................ my goals are to get through my work and this case and to find myself hopefully soon.......to say get the * * * * away from me...............and never LOOK BACK please tell me I am doing the right thing........please tell me that I am not a sucker again...........i have been through this............for 5 years. This is not new .............I need to be ready..............ready. Does anyone undertsand and can help me with this.... So far I have eatten, not drank and work out religiously for 4 days.........I need to build myself up for the final get the * * * * away from me............you * * * * * * * * * * * *

hello Oh I see what you mean that it can get worse........I am on his computer............and I find that he has looked at outcall gilrs on the erotic services for incalls...............now I know this man is a computer, nerd vouyer............but, now you can imagine where I am..................I am calm.........i do not hink he is the type to pay for sex and go to some dodgy place for sex.............i think it is titilalion.............for now I am going to use condoms.........I am still thinking ..........my first night off.......I have make three pieces of art tonight...... I am not 100% convined............... Because I know the sites he looks at...........I have seen it for years.........profiles on link removed...............it goes on and on and on......... But, let me tell you something.................so you don't think I am a complete loser............I am * * * *ing thinking................maybe I need to think a little more...........I need to get through this week...........I have to..........too much to risk than to crash right now................ all I can say is that I am so * * * *ing worried......... so worried.......... so * * * *ing thinking............... I iwll not drink.........if it is the last thing I do.........I iwll not do that.........i will not confront him either................I spy alot and this is the first time I have seen this. I know he has issues.........I am tired..........i am going for now to make art.................

although he never does.....coz I always pay for nice things........always.......he pays for his trips to Montreau........records and booze...........oh yeah and apparently one glass for christmas.........

he is not interested in my stuff......on that level......he is self sufficient......trust me on that.......it is not his way.......we have been together for five years....I have always had more money than him......it has always been like that....of course there has been a couple of months here or there where I was in a bad situation............. he has never asked me for anything.....

I am just downloading the whole what ...???...10 pages.........it will keep my mind active on my long journey home tonight......when I get home of course.....I think I will take the subway and feed my mind........ Thank you Mr. Dark Blue!