charliek

I am so sorry you are going through this. Its always tough to have a relationship when there is a third party involved. . .TRUST ME I KNOW!! I just recently ended a 5 yr relationship b/c of a third party that could not leave my bf alone. And he too fed into their "friendship" by calling, txt, emailing, etc. But what I have to tell you is that at least she has been completely honest with you. And as hard as it seems, you know in your heart that taking a step back for her to see if she can get the family back together is right, even though the pain seems unbareable. . .But when there are kids involved, its so tough. My ex has a child too and she has always asked when her dad and I are going to get married (her mom has already remarried). . .so right now it is pulling at my heart strings that I don't want to hurt her. But at the same time I for right now I can not be involved in a relationship that has a third party. My advice to you, is that you know the right thing to do and you are doing it. My perdiction though, if I was in her shoes, if he's done this to her at least 2 or 3 times before, I am surprised she wants to risk that again. Especially if she has been w/ you for so long and has a good thing going with you. I would not be surprised if six months from now she comes knocking on your door wanting you back. BUT you have a choice in this matter. . .is this how you want to live the rest of your life? Being a yo-yo? She knows you will always be there for her when things go sour between her and her ex husband. . .but how many more times are you going to go through that? This last attempt w/ my ex was #2 for us in one year. I told him if he ended it with me one more time, that was it. That my emotions, my heart, my head, my body, my spirit, my self esteem, all that could not go through that anymore. The constant worry if we got back together if he'd do it again at any time to me. . .But that was my choice. And now that we are here in the third time of a break up, this is the first time in 5 yrs that I told him I dont want to be with him right now. That we need some serious time apart, and now he has started to question his decision, b/c he knows I may not be here next time he wants to come back. But the hardest part for me is my head doesnt want to deal w/ the lies and what he put me through, but my heart still loves the guy and hopes six months from now we'll be back together. . . its weird how that works isn't it!! But you need to do what feels right and what you are willing to put up with. There are plenty of other women out there that will not put you through this and are looking for the dedication and love you are willing to give. But I know, they are not who you are with now and that makes it hard. But put on a brave face. You are doing the right things!! Have a good day!

i had been w/ my boyfriend for 5 yrs lived together for 2 1/2 yrs and he has a child that I helped raise as if it was my own. . .and his ex before me (6 yrs ago) called, txt msg, and emailed him for at least the past 2 may be 3 yrs. It didn't reallly become a problem until this last year when he broke up w/ me and started seeing her w/in a week of us breaking up. This is common for him, when we fight or break up he runs to her. We didn't speak to or see each other for a month then got back together. He dumped her for me. Then this past March we broke up again and once again he ran to her but this time I decided I was moving out of state and didnt want to be around them two if they were going to be together. He cried, talked me out of it and we got back together. I was told he had put a stop to her calling/txt/emailing. Then a few months ago my bf's attitude started changing towards me. Picking fights for no reason, being distant, etc. I knew right away in my gut that he was talking to her agian. But everytime I asked, he'd tell me he hadn't heard from her and he was just stressed from work. On top of lecturing me about how I don't trust him and we'll never work out if I don't trust him. But my gut wouldn't let this go. So a few days later I too checked his phone and saw a txt msg from her saying "im sorry I hung up I didnt want you tohear me cry I still love you." I about died. . .my heart was in my stomach. So I confronted him and he told me she had contacted him again and had told him she was moving (not til may and this time its October) and wanted to know if they had an opportunity to get back together and he told her no and supposedly she asked to see him one last time and supposedly he told her no b/c of me. Well I let it go,then a week later I was on his computer and his IM automatically signs in, and she im's him a quick hi. . this time I asked him if I could confront her. At first he said no then got pissed at me and said fine. . .so I did. Wrote her back and said that it was me and what is your deal. . she wouldn't respond. But ended up emailing him which he showed me. Saying she needed me to confront her to help her move on from him. By now it had been over a year since they had seriously dated and she was STILL trying to get with him. Well a month went by and just two weeks ago, it all came to a head. He had gone out w/ some people from work one night and I drilled him w/ questions as far as who he was w/. He claimed it was all work related but my gut told me otherwise. He got so mad at me lectured me all night, the next day, the next night etc about trust. And how he couldn't believe that I didn't trust him and was questioning him about something he wasn't doing. That he wasn't doing anything wrong. I felt horrible. Then the weekend goes by he's still acting distant from me but I thought it was b/c he was mad at my accusations. Then monday morning he got up from work late and was hurrying around the house for things. He was walking out when I saw his phone sitting there. And a txt msg came from her asking "r u awake" Long story already I knwo and I am sorry. I eneded up calling the girl to confront her. Come to find out they both had been in contact w/ each other for awhile. That they talked about him and i a lot but that they both knew they have feelings for each other. And he had asked her to meet him that Thursday night that he told me he was out w/ work people. The funny thing is I knew all along. Your gut never lies. . .people do! Right now we are not together. And this girl IS STILL Trying to be w/ him. Even though her and I compared stories and he has told lies about her to me. . .she is desperate for his attention. But hun if it doesnt feel right in ur stomach. . .somethings wrong. I have learned a relationship is suppose to be between two people and to have a third party involved does nothing but cause problems. If theres lying involved, theres something that's being hidden. . . .take that advice from someone who has been put through what you are being put through. it makes u question everything about yourself as far as why am i not enough, why does he hold onto her, why is he lying. . .but NO MAN is worth your dignity and your selfrespect. Trust me my wounds are still fresh, hurt beyond belief b/c I miss him and do still love him. . .but I know I can't be in a relationship where I have no idea what is going on behind my back. Stand up for yourself and remember you're not alone in this. . .you can vent to me anytime. . .ask question whatever. . . but please, if you don't put a stop to this, trust me it gets worse and could eventually hurt you even worse. But keep your head up. . .you are not alone

Ok I am assuming you have told your bf how the things he does or does not do makes you feel and nothing has changed. IF this is correct, it is never going to change. Trust me, if your gut tells you this is not right, if it tells you or screams "I dont want to spend the rest of my life like this. . ." then you need to start listening. You and only you can say whether or not things have gotten worse with how he treats you regardless of the relationship between you and his mother. If its not up to your standards, can I ask why are you settling for this treatment? I understand you have been w/ him for a very long time, trust me I have been there! The comfort of a bad relationship sounds so much better then being alone. But trust me, you won't be alone for the rest of your life and who knows you may find a MAN who listens to his girlfriends wants, needs, and desires and WANTS to do everything in his power to make YOU happy. Tell me that doesnt make you excited to know that you could have this. . .As far as the relationship that you have with his mother or lack there of.. . .she is not going anywhere. She will forever be in your life as long as you are in his life. He is not going to ever turn against his mother, which he shouldn't have to. But that doesnt mean that you should have to put yourself through this either. A leopard never changes its spots, and unless you personally go over and confront his mother about her ill feelings towards you, it's never going to change. But only you can choose to stay in this and accept ALL of this and his family for who they are w/o changing. . .OR you can decide that you will NOT SETTLE for this. It's up to you but you are a strong powerful woman who has a great head on her shoulders for not moving w/ him and knowing your career means something to you. But its time that you take evaluation on what he really is bringing to this relationship and really look at what he is giving you that you CANT live w/o or would not be able to find in someone else, who may give you everything else as well that you have ever wanted out of the man of your dreams. But remember its all your choice and people can give you all the advice in the world but only you will have to suffer the consequence of what you choose to do. . .if people tell you to end it, you will hurt. ONLY you will hurt not those that told you to do it. If you choose to stay with him. . .ONLY you will have to go through him not living near you, his mother's constant interferance. . .onyl you will have to deal with what you choose but remember we all support your choice! Keep living and never settle is all I ask!

I am going through somehting similar that you are. The best advise I can give you and has been working for me is leave her alone. I am at a point where this is break up number three for me and my ex in one year. We'd been togethr for 6 yrs and each time we got back together and broke up again was due to the lack of space we really needed from one another while we were not together. That doesn't make sense. . .what I mean is, giving space allows the person to miss you. Not contacting that person, allows for you to take time for yourself and realize wait what really was missing in this relationship for me. The space allows you to regain you and if/when you do reunite, you will be so much stronger and more sure of who you are with or without that person. I was told by a good friend to read this book "its called a breakup b/c its broken." I am not really into the self help type books but this book has made me realize a lot about me, my relationsip, what it was lacking, and how to look at this as a redo for myself. The thing about the book is what it was saying was true about me and my relationship and I hated the book. Often threw it accross the room. . .but everytime went back to it for comfort and understanding that these people have been where I am right now and they are loving life and have found the one they are suppose to be with. Take a deep breath, anytime you feel the need to write your ex or call her, you email me. Everyone needs a break up buddy who will allow you to talk about your thoughts and feelings w/o you being judged, losing your dignity, or w/o being afraid of being rejected. All of these emotions may arise if you do contact your ex with your feelings about her, your relationship or lack there of relationship. The best advise is to let her be and lets get you back to you. . .We are all here for you

You sort of answered your own question. If you have ANY doubts about your ex, don't do it. Your gut tells you what is right and usually ends up in the long run that you should have listened to it. Trust your gut b/c it never lies to you. She may be coming around as sad as it may sound b/c she has no one else to fill that void. Don't get me wrong, she probably still cares for you but it sounds that by her just recent dumping of her immature boyfriend tells me she's look to fill something with you. If you like who you are with now, take that newness and run with it! But do not ever second guess yourself if your gut is telling you what you did was right.