Heartless01

I have ended up with many emotional and mental scars. I have problems trusting women and men. I am not fully functional in a real relationship but I do try and win most of that battle... I have a very acerbic side, sarcastic and a scrooge.... Things that normal people do, think and want are usually quite different than for me. I see the world in a warped perspective at times. Family feel good movies make me want to hurl a lot...lol But I am growing..learning and never letting anyother ever cross my boundaries again.

The abuse in my early life quite frankly sounds like a dramatic movie, but even more pathetic...it was real life. I cannot beging to list the behaviors I have personaly had to overcome as a direct result of being raised as I was. My mothers reasoning at the time I asked her as a child, was that he promised her it would not happen again and thereforeee I had nothing to fear...which is a bit like saying that the snake wont bite again...As I have grown, I have learned that it was actually worse than that. She simply would not confront for any reason for me. My real fathers spawn likely ened up that she resented me...many reasons... My real father drove up in our driveway when I was 15. That very weekend I moved in with him and told him what had been happening. My real father is truly a good parent. I believe that may have been what began my will to survive the earlier abuse. I have confronted my mothers husband many times. Thankfully after I developed a keen sense of self and my own boundaries. He denied it of course until one of his OWN kids informed him that they had witnessed the different types of abuse inflicted upon me. Now he wont even speak to me, or be in the same room as I am which suits me fine. Especially when we are close to getting out of this house now. I thank you for your empathy. THe sad thing is that I now have to undo all the screwed up synapses in my brain to reduce or eliminate my own personal issues. Such as, trust in others etc...

Sorry for the absenteeism...Been taking care of getting out of a bad situation...and now am back...trying to figure out where to start again with posts... Thanks all for listening...

I feel both better and purged at the same time. I do therapy Cognitive/Behavioral. This has been my saving grace truth be told....

Honestly I have no idea. I can say that had my real father not arrived when he did, I might not have survived. I also came away with my own set of dysfunctions that I have had a long battle with. I had to learn how to deal with other people in a healthy way, and I took a very long time to relearn that... Still gathering myself for more posting...

Honestly I have no idea. I can say that had my real father not arrived when he did, I might not have survived. Still gathering myself for more posting...

Yes due to bad choices made by myself and economic situations I am back in a house with them. The only good thing is that my children and spouse will be out within the month... More of my own bad choices and things will become clear as I make more posts. Most of this is just to give a back ground and also to hear others insights and ideas if any. Thank you for your addition...yes every hardship does make me stronger. My kids are actually being well shielded from much of the dysfunction for now. Though we cannot keep that up for long...more later

I was raised until 15 years old in a family with multiple types of dysfunction and abuse. The mother: (the bio mom) was 15 when I was born. A child at best. Bad beginning.. The father: I was raised to believe he was my biological father, though found out later the truth. (He was over 30 when he married the mom). From my earliest memory, I was sexually abused by the "father". He would also beat me with shoes, books, whatever was at hand. If I commited an action that he disliked, he put me in the crawlspace beneath the house and locked it (longest time there 4 days) He constantly told me I was worthless, stupid, fat, lazy, and many other things. The mother did nothing to stop this. In fact the mother is still married to him. She did not then protect me, and does not now have the least concern for me. I was expected to maintain the house duties. Protect the other children on pain of death and when the last baby was born, I was basically his mother. He even called me mommy. When I was young, the house we lived in was one of the premier homes in Dallas, Texas. As time went on, it was worth of condemning. We eventually were toileting out side or walking to the store to do so. The toilets were full to brim with defecation. Floors falling in...I cannot begin to tell you how awful it was. The other children and the mother were also subject to abuse, of various kinds, though the harshest reserved for me. I was told it was because I was white. No one was willing to stop or resolve any of this. The mother continued to lie to me. I had the father coming to my room every night for 10 years. I told the extended family, still nothing was done. I was on my own until my aunt gave me a phone number ....that resulted in finding my birth father. There are details I have left out. I mean only to offer you a background of my first 15 years. I have many stories. None of them are "recovered" they are vivid and clear. (I have no problem with providing details or answering personal questions on this) This has effected every detail of my life. Pervaded every corner, niche and cranny. It is the hardest thing to resolve. Everything about me has suffered. Currently by bad circumstance I am now living in a new house, with these same people. It is hell, and it is enlightening, and it is hard. I hope to be out by January. Still, I have found ways to be strong now. My daddy taught me much. The rest I learned from research, and reading. **I do NOT reccommend The Courage To Heal book** I will post more. It is late and I am very tired. Thank you for listening to the basic outline of my early years...If you have questions dont be afraid to ask. I think it healthy for ME to be able to answer, and not feel any ill effects.

I am new here, so I have not the information on your situation exactly. I am gathering an affair and break up. I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I believe that you need this angst, emotional outburst, catharsis if you will. You cannot begin to heal or get better without doing this first. It sucks, it makes you ill, and you believe it will never get better no matter what. I know....and my husband knows too. I myself have been both cheated on and been the cheater. I make no excuse for myself on that. I own it. I saw what my husband went thru and I am amazed that we are still together and healing. If it had been me my hubbie had wronged, in all honesty, I would not consider reconcilliation. That said.... If I can think of any ideas to help, work thru this, ease the pain of adjustment, or just be there and be effective....I will post it, if for no other reason than that is what I would desire from another. In addition, other than the basic responsibilities of life as an adult, please try not to expect too much from yourself too fast. You cannot set deadlines for healing the mind or heart. Any extra you do or try should be geared to satisfaction of your return to comfort. I hope I made myself at least partially clear. If not...ask or whatever... Take great care, and dont let anyone expect too much from you either.... set your limits

Hi Darkblue and ty for the warm welcome and high compliment. Openness is the only way I have been able to cope, resolve conflict and eliminate possible conflict. I am not nor will ever claim to be perfect (or even close) and I have been quite the repulsive specimen in my time and been ashamed of my own behavior, but I do try as humanly possible to be honest. Yes definitely I will be sharing ALL my stuff with this place. It could never fit in one post I promise you. This is going to actually serve multiple purposes for me. I hope that I am heard if for no other reason than I have expressed myself, admitted my own faults, and without having to create drama, screaming, etc. Again..ty so much for your words

I think most of the responses are really good. Have you ever been MEDICALLY tested for Adult Attention Deficit? It has many odd symptoms, most of them not widely known, is treatable without stimulants or sometimes even any drug, and what you describe COULD be possible. Only a biological not psych test can verify my suspicion. Let me add...I am NOT a supporter of any type of excuse, nor do I believe every diagnosis symptomology listing especially on attention deficit...which is a largely abused diagnosis. Just an idea to mull if you find it worthy of such...

(cut out parts only to save posting space hope is okay) Hi Teacup... I have felt the same way, thought the same things and asked the same questions. It is overwhelming to say the least. If you come from a predominantly abusive home and/or had parents who were incapable of actually being parents for whatever reason, then the FIRST thing is: You were never given the tools to do any different to begin with. No one taught you or enforced the teaching on a daily basis with loving support. It has only recently been proven by science AND mental health researchers that the way we think, react, etc is formed biologically between the ages of 2 through 10 (ages may vary by 1 or 2 years due to my recall ability). I can try to find an internet link, but I am not sure there is one yet. Printed format only as of last month. Second. Have you admitted to yourself that you need a "better" decision process? I do not mean get smarter. Only that so far, I understand that you do the same things again and again...thereforeeee, do something different. Start small...If you attempt major changes without support mentally and emotionally you set yourself up to fail. I could go on forever on this. I am certianly no expert at all. I do have ideas and am willing to share them. It IS possible to change. I know it is. Hope the best for you always...

Interesting topic! (A newbie chimes in, oh no!) Finding Yourself..... I believe it means different things to different people. So, slot me in the "*CENSORED**CENSORED**CENSORED* does that mean?" camp. I have seen those who use that as an excuse or cover for nothing but selfishness. Leaving family behind in the process. There were many types of documented popular culture movements in history that promoted such ideas and failed to include moderated critical thinking in decision making. (did that even make sense?) I am a simplistic person for the most part. I feel that so long as I cause no damage to others, make the honest attempt to be a good person or at least correct the absense of such, and give my children the tools they need to be good people then I have done the finding me thing. It means I know what I am, and deal with life in a balanced (not perfect) manner. It means I am not ashamed of the things I do for fun or work. That I can accept others disagreement or approval without being defensive. It is security in myself.... Opinion only....thanks.

Thank you for the welcome! You may or may not have any idea how many abuse forums and chat are actually abusive or hateful to members. I rarely give advice to anyone except in situations that may lead to probable (not possible) bodily harm. I am wary of the consequences possible due to advice that was followed and I already have guilt issues. HAHAHAHA I will state my opinion, and give what I believe to be valuable resources of information or direct help. That said.... I will now be browsing the forum since one of my passive abusers has decided keeping everyone awake with loud dramatic efforts to gain attention. Sigh....It never ends with some people.

Hello to everyone. I joined mostly on impulse, but also to attempt many discussions of differing topics within this type of forum. I thought that would be at least a start on my self improvement as I am unable to afford therapy. I listed the basics in my member profile, but if you are a forum person similar to myself and actually read profiles, feel free to ask any question you like. So, I am a 38 year old female, married 19 years off and on (long story for a different thread), bisexual, and mother of two wonderful children (boy 9, girl 8). I am currently in a bad financial situation that has lead me and mine to be in the same home with my abusers (this situation I made from desperation, lack of planning, and other issues at the time and I blame no one but myself on this) During my life, from 5 years old on, I have been on the receiving end of many types of abuse, all of it from my paternal/maternal "family members". I did not "recover" these memories. I was aware of it from day one, and never repressed any of it. I am in the process of improving my own actions toward others, setting boundaries on my abusers instead of tolerating or making excuses for them as has been my habit, attempting to live the most healthy functional and positive life I can, and trying to identify the source of my unhealthy and sometimes abusive behavior. I am opinionated, yet reasonable on most things. I often get labeled "intolerant", and I am on some things that appear to me justifiable. I am able to accept responsibility for my own transgressions, either immediately or after reflection. I am also trying total honesty with every person I encounter as well as stating my opinions when asked without feeling guilty for those opinions. I DO have certian expectations that I believe reasonable I do not continue discussion with people who make assumptions without first making the effort to clarify or ask questions in order to gain more understanding. I do not give any weight to any assertion that lacks factual evidence or basis. EX: Telling me what I should do, feel or think on any topic that has been proven otherwise, suggest therapies proven on multiple instances of being harmful, or wrong. If I offend you. Tell me why, and give me the chance to talk about it. I have zero tolerance for: Habitual excuses, passive tolerance of abusers, racisim, reliance on religion, reactionaries, fairytales, lies, and other things. I hope to have many discussions here. Thank you