Lyrren

The deadlines are the 16th of December (9 days before Christmas...) and they constitute 30% of her final degree mark, so it is kinda serious stuff. You're right, break-ups never come at a good time, especially if you're not the partner initiating them, but at the same time I don't want her looking back at her CV whenever she has to look it over and thinking "yes, I got a crap mark rather than a good one from uni because of HIM" - I really feel she'd resent me for it for the rest of my life and I'd feel horrible about that. Hell, even if she didn't resent me I'd feel very guilty. And if I don't carry on being a loving boyfriend then I'm pretty much telling her now what I'm feeling - she'd pull me up on my cold attitude pretty swiftly and we'd end up breaking up now.

Well, as time goes on I'm starting to realise two key flaws in my plan to delay breaking up - 1) I'm finding it incredibly hard to maintain an illusion of normality (ie being a very loving boyfriend) whilst knowing in my head I have no intentions of continuing it; 2) waiting for her deadlines to pass means we'll be well into preparations for Christmas, and she's liable to spend a noticeable amount of money on presents for me and I can't help feeling guilty about that either. Advice?

It might be hard being single when all your friends are married, and it might be unusual to you not to have a guy know instantly that you're right together. But where are these guys now? You need to sit back and relax and let the relationship build itself.

Yeah, he pretty much split up with her over it and got tested but he's clean. Lucky escape for him though - he's really worried she might find someone else who wont be so fortunate.

Do the research, find out if its curable (I honestly don't know) and which if any preventative measures can be taken to avoid you catching it. And count yourself lucky, a friend of mine was told by his g/f 6 months into their relationship that she had Hepatitis B (apparently she didn't think it was a big thing) but fortunately they'd been careful enough about protection.

Yeah, I'm beginning to think that for my own sanity I'd rather do it after she's got through this semester's hand-ins, I'd feel too guilty otherwise. It would also give me time to organise a change of rooms, and a good time to do it (the Christmas break) meaning I really could totally avoid her for quite a while. To be honest, I was expecting a certain amount of "don't get deluded that the grass is always greener" and similar things from people, so in some ways its reassuring that I'm not getting that.

Agreeing with Ilse on this - it sounds like it'll be a bit weird for a while but you'll look back in years to come and think "Thank God I got outta that one" (or similar, feel free to use deity/deities of your choosing)

If you're worried about it, just make sure you don't drink anything (make an excuse about needing to get up early or similar) and just chill out. If he tries anything at all, you're sober and able to deal with it and go home. If he doesn't you've enjoyed a good movie together. My guess is he fancies the hell out of you, but you've made your choice. In some ways he's probably hoping that he can bring you round, but if he's got any decency he'll be happy to wait - if you change your mind then you both get a relationship, if not you still have a friendship - and to be honest as time moves on you'll probably become close friends to the point where being in a relationship wouldn't make sense.

Speaking as a guy who has at times been put on the spot on this issue - he's stuck in a hole. When a couple start talking futures there are two options: 1) focus on the relationship, talk marriage etc; 2) try to be casual about the whole thing. The problem is, (1) gets the girl's hopes up and at this stage in the relationship he's probably still being pragmatic - he's not sure, but getting the girl's hopes up would make it MUCH harder for him to walk away IF at any point he feels he wants to. By contrast (2) leads the girl to this situation, getting worried that there is something wrong and worrying that he is already planning to walk away. You'd be amazed how many guys don't realise how much they put their foot in it by avoiding mentioning the idea of committing together.

Thanks Poco - I explained all this to a friend of mine and her response was "You've already decided what you want to do but you need people to tell you it to have the courage to get on and do it." She's utterly correct of course. The major crossroads coming up is that I have a placement year in the middle of my Uni course - currently (ie assuming we stay together) I'm taking it in another city, with her (because she's graduating this summer) and living with some old friends of ours, but I'm starting to think I should be trying to get a place somewhere else and let her go live with the friends (they're much more hers than mine).

Then you have no choice but to talk to him directly. It could be anything, and if you tell him in person how much it affects you he might tell you something he wanted to keep a secret.

To be honest it sounds like he's somewhat bored. Or, given his desperation to get you out of the way at certain times, he's got someone else. Not really what you wanted to hear I can understand. If you have some common friends, try to talk to them perhaps. Otherwise, simply talk to him about it and if he disappears like the work stunt, insist he comes over - if he doesn't something is up.

I've been with my current girlfriend for over three years now. As a person I still find her a good companion and nice to be around, although the initial excitement and thrill of it all has faded (as I know it should). She's been a good source of moral support and encouragement in some of the tougher times too, as I guess most girlfriends should be. Essentially the problem is simply the context of our relationship - its my first serious relationship, its in the middle of my uni life when I want to be free to do crazy things and get on with what I want to get on with. Given its my first serious relationship I have nothing at all to compare it to (my only other girlfriend lasted two weeks) and I'm feeling that I'd rather get out and find out what else there is out there. I've ended up feeling that I'm being pinned down, unable to try anything new and that we've dropped into a married routine. I'm quite an active, fast-paced, playful person whereas she's frankly quite lazy and conservative. She wasn't always quite like this, having suffered a massive loss of self-confidence in the last few years, but its left such a difference between us that I find it hard to be around her all the time. She's become very very reliant on me for emotional support and I find it very pressurising. This lack of confidence is so great that I can't dare to raise any of this with her as it would reduce her to tears instantly. And given she's got uni deadlines coming up I don't really want to shatter her work for those. Not to mention that should we break up, we're still living in the same uni house and she's already said she'd have to move out (although I've probably got better options for this). Help?