rb79

I too soon after my relationships had moments of enlightenment where i believed i had dicovered the solutions to my break up...the troube was she was not prepared to listen not that what i was saying was nessessary wrong she had built up an ice lie demeanour regarding our relationship, her defences were up and my 'solutions' only frustrated her further.. every situation is differnet but i would carefully consider approaching her so soon after the break up!! peace rb

i couldn't agree with u more Napoleon, power is a key factor in the break up situation i know this implies playing games and maybe initailly it does but the end result is achieving a sense of power over your self not just the situation and the ex...its about the power to put things right for yourself to get your life together to become independent and self-relient..this may seem like an unattractive goal especially soon after the break up we think we want them back only they can make things better and make us feel better!!! The truth of it is only we can make ourselves feel better and that is always the case a relationship should only increase our happiness not be the sole reason for it!!! Im far from over her but each day is another achievement. Im a firm believer that if you put your mind to something we can achieve anything..but in order to do this our mind has to be clear and focused and stying in contact with someone who has rejected some1(for whatever reason) is not the right state of mind. Pattysky idont know the exact details of you break up but i can empathise with what you are going through if its any comfort many people go through the same thing and come out the other end stronger and wiser people i know you will too....you got to just keep breathing and i promise it will get easier ..... peace rb

i am relativrly new to this forum but my story has similarities with many other i have come accross, my ex gf and me broke in jan of this year she instigated it but i agreed, but technically i was dumped!! we were together for 3 years but knew each other alot longer..the r/ship kind of fizzled out i guess we spent to much time together and took each other for granted we still continued to live together and it wasnt until she started seeing some1, a friends she claimed (and still does) that it all kind of hit home i reacted emotionally and irrationally for the last two months...i have gone from being extremely angry with her to acting incredibly needy and puttinging pressure on her to ttry again unsupprisingly she said there is no chance but that she wants to try and b friends she asked for space but to be honest i didnt really give it to her i acted impulsivly texting her and relaying whatever emotional high (or low) i was feeling at a prticular time...i wanted her to know how diificult lifwe was for me without her and how much i needed her..... And you know what? THAT IS THE WORSE THING I COULD HAVE POSSIBLY DONE NEVER show yourself to be needy to your ex especially if you harbour the possibility of getting back it is by far the the most unattractive quality in a person especially in a break up situation my desparate and often irrational behaviour pushed her away further. Instead of just backing off and givving her the chance to consider just what she is giving up i suffacated her and that just simpy hardened her resolve against me.. The quaestion i have been pondering with greater clarity i might add is wehther or not i really did want her back or was the possibility of living life without some who i can depend on or have depended on was that scary...i have concluded that it was a combination of both but the fear factor of being alone is the more desructive of the two. For the last 12 days i have had NC now that might not seem a long time to many but for me it is the first time i have instigated it and it has given me a chance to consider my past actions and what theirr consequences are. while we were maintaining contact she had all the control. I would be the one who would contact her if she replied i would see it has being a huge positive event andd if she didnt i would have fits of deppresion and impulsivly text her saying as much...her actions could sway my modd one way or the other and that my friends is not a positive state of affairs. i should have valued my self worth alot more i should not have appeased her indiscretions (with this other guy) by provifing a pillow to cushion her. i let her know that i was waiting fo her like a dog waiting to be throw a bone or some scraps excuse the the crude anology but it is true..... so many peiople in this forum are guilty of the same behaviour and it is so easy to go down that same route but i implore you do not do it!!! We should value ourseves more because if we dont how can we expect others to value us be that our ex or somebody new. Its not easy in fact i think about her every day but i knw one thing for certain nobody wants someone who does not value themselves so intend to use this time to better myself in any way that i can and when i do feel secure within myself i will decide at that point not now whether i whish to pursue her again and whether she is worth it or not.....only when my head is clear and my emotions and self worth are in check. The only way to achieve this clarity is via NO CONTACT.

where do i start...im am 25 my ex 24 we we dated when we were 17 it didnt work out, although i did see her intermitantly for the next couple of years (maybe 3times in all) then in march of 2002 i was dealing with difficult circumstances and we made contact...she had been away at college....we clicked and i revelled and was in awe of the clossness i felt towards her....for the next 12 moths it was fantastic we both thew our selves into the realtionship...it all wen wrong when we decided to move awayto college together for post grad. Webecame totally dpendent on each other for everything this became frustrating and led to resentment on both sides we had many arguments but still persevered in the same circles....we decided to call it quits at xmas 2004 but we continued to live together...life for me did not really change much and niether did or relationship minus sex....but one factor would chnge all that.... we both worked at a part-time office her manager 36 and her developed a strong relationship i was also his friend..he was going through a divorcee from a 9 year marriage..she wanted to help him get hrough it because he opened up to her (this was pre break up) i trusted her judgement and agreed...he started to come over more regularly to the point he used to sleep on her bedroom floor ehile i was next door (by this time we had broke up) 3 of us used to hang out but he was like her shadow but i trusted him....then of feb 14 i rang to ask her out to talk about where we were heading and she told me sh had already agreed to go out with his other man i was devestated....she still maintains its platonic but she no longer ives at the house with me believing i have posined everyone aginst her but spendsmost night at his flat...im still giving her the benefit of the doubt am i right to do this?