laroness

I only have one friend that lives close enough to go do anything with. But we're not the closest of friends. Actually, she's a bit annoying, always wanting to be right and somewhat lacks sense of what and how to communicate in public (she'll speak too loudly, laugh too high and loud, and bring up things it is not appropriate to talk about in certain company). I don't know what to do with her. Other than eating and going to see a movie, I can't think of anything to do with her that I would mind doing with her without the other friend in our trio. I don't even know exactly what I'm trying to accomplish by writing this. Maybe I'm just venting. I spend way too much time by myself and I need to get out more, but I only have this one person who is not family.

I guess I should also say that it is hard for me to talk with people I don't know very personally. That can't be helping. It certainly hasn't made it any easier to make friends with anyone.

I'm not pursuing him. There really are legitimate reasons for us to interact. I don't expect a relationship. I just want to be comfortable talking to him.

As I said, joe, we aren't yet the type of friends who go out and do stuff. He helped me deal with some things and he really didn't have to. I never said I held a deep understanding of the emotional stuff. How hard can it be to talk to him? You have no idea. I don't get it either.

I didn't think you did. It was just a general response to the application of distractions. If I did have friends to do stuff with, I gladly would, but the few friends I have are really busy right now, are away in college, or they live 6 hours away. Some social interaction with people other than my family might be nice. Might even help me talk to the guy, I am somewhat isolated right now.

"I'm sure you are a great person, but I'm not interested in you that way." Be kind but definite in your attitude, so as not to inadvertantly lead her on. Be truthful, because lies have a way of catching up to you. She may feel a little hurt, but you will be allowing her to move on just a bit easier. As long as you aren't deliberately cruel or hurtful, you can't really be responsible for her feelings.

Avoiding him won't make it easier to talk to him when I need to. I'm a champion of ignoring things, and pretending I didn't have trouble talking to him did nothing. I need to face it. He knows I'm a bit shy, and that I don't like being that way. I'm going to try again tonight. I have a couple questions for him, anyway.

We are friends, just not the kind that goes and does stuff together (not yet anyway). Honestly, I don't really know him very well, if I did then I might feel differently. If nothing else, he certainly is a decent person, and I would be overjoyed to know him better. It is annoying to have this crush...maybe it is uncomfortable sometimes...but if there was a pill or a shot for getting rid of a crush, I would not take it. Makes of *that* what you will. Here's a line from the manga and anime "Fruits Basket." "Just be yourself. You'll be fine." - Tohru's deceased mother. It applies to lots of situations, huh.

I've got a crush. I know he is off limits, and I shouldn't date right now anyway (separated, getting a divorce). I've dealt with the initial rush of pain that nothing can come of it. There is no way that I am going to totally avoid him. We come into contact several days a week. I have real, legitimate reasons that I have to talk to him. Heck, I just want to talk to him (nice that I don't have to make up reasons). But I get tongue tied. I look at him, and then all I want to do is look at him, but if I did that would lead to potential awkwardness. So I forget to ask the questions I need to ask, and sometimes I avoid him because I'm scared what I feel will show. I don't want him to know I see him this way because I think he would be so kind to me about it, and that's almost worse than rejecting me cruelly. I want to be relaxed around him. Does anyone have any tips on how I could manage that. I'm half afraid he will be able to read the feelings just through casual eye contact. Eyes...I could drown in his. Is this a sort of rebound attraction? One day I want to find someone that makes me feel what I feel around this man. Maybe someone that looks like him, too. In otherwords, a twin that is not off limits. Laroness

We had another talk the other night. He is more aware now that I have been serious. He's also more aware of my reasons, although there are some points I'll just keep to myself to preserve certain illusions of his. While it was an uncomfortable talk, it needed to happen and at least I'm now pretty sure that he'd eventually get on with life. He does have that 8 week job coming up. We're thinking of using that as a sort of trial separation. I don't have the imagination to figure out what would change if we did divorce, so that would help me see. We don't want to bring this up with our parents because his grandfather was just diagnosed with terminal cancer, and this will be our first Christmas without my father - it'll be a year on January 23rd. And it's the Christmas season and all... I don't know if we'll be able to keep things unobtrusive long enough to get past some of this stuff. Any advice how to deal with that? Time goes on and I become increasingly sure of myself in this matter. The main thing I'm sad about is the idea that he may take both the dogs. Dusti has become quite attached to me, and I to her, and her to the kitten. But is it fair to separate Dusti from Sonja? In the past, Dusti hasn't reacted well to being separated from Sonja. I know they are pets, not children, but I feel as if they are. I just want to get on with life. I want to feel the joys as well as the pain (I havn't felt much of either for a couple years now, I think I was protecting myself from the pain that is in life sometimes, because I couldn't deal with it; now, I think I can - part of the changes I've undergone). If I ever do date again, it won't be until things are final and I've had time to figure out what my role in the downfall of this marriage was, what I really need and want in a relationship, and have stabilized the rest of my life (my professional life in particular).

Like many of you, I am considering the idea. But it's scary and I want to know what the steps are, how long things take, etc before hand. We have talked and he knows I'm thinking about this. I'm seeing a therapist just to be sure I'm not making a foolish, hasty, naive decision. He is worried, but doesn't quite believe me. He has some ideas of how to make it all better, but I have put alot of thought into this even before telling him or going to therapy, and I'm pretty sure of myself. Below is some background on the situation. Skip it if that will give you time to answer the actual question. I am 23 in a couple days. I have only been married since June 26, but we lived together for a little over 3 years. We met while I was in college. I was even more quiet, hesitant, and shy back then. There is an 11 year age difference. I think I was too young. At age 19 I hadn't gotten any real interest by men. That can leave one with some issues. We became friends, and I think that I confused some things. He was there, he was safe, so I latched on. I was content enough just living with him, but I did have times when I was not comfortable with some things about him. I was too complacent, however. I talked myself into sticking with him because relationships are known to be rocky now and then. But the same things kept creeping up. Another strain is financial; I've been supporting him while he work on his business, but that hasn't gotten anywhere, and he doesn't have any steady sources on income. He acts like a little kid, and some how he always gets what he wants. And we pay (I've been saying we because we live in the first floor of a house with my mom and sister). I'm not really sure we have much incommon. We were never very active "in the bedroom" and part of that is because I'm not really physically attracted to him. I was trying not to be shallow, but I can't lie to myself any longer. He doesn't seem to have much of a life outside of being with me, pleasing me. He's a bit overprotective, and over sensitive when I ask him to back off. It's suffocating. I've been losing my respect for him. The better I feel about myself, the less happy I become in the relationship. I've started working out, eating right, I'm going to see the dentist for the first time in years, I'm hopefully getting contact lenses (I'm on a trial this week, if things look good, they'll give me a prescription for them), and I've even started cleaning up my face (those pores on my nose are yucky, and looking close, I do have some pimpling going on elsewhere). He wants to make me happy, but in order to do that he tries not to make me mad. He goes all subservient. Which does not help me respect him. I think I like a guy who really could live without me, one with a sense of independance. That's another thing. I'm learning more about what I need, what I want. I didn't now some things before. He isn't abusive. He is loyal and a wonderful guy. I'm beginning to understand why people warn you away from dreamers - due to the nature of his business, he is essentially a "starving actor." Why can't I be happy with him? Arranged marriages sometimes ended in love. But we aren't in that time in history, or in any of the countries where there are arranged marriages. The thought of ending it brings relief. I've been thinking about my reaction if he cheated on me. I think I'd welcome the excuse to make the final decision. I think he is what you might call a man who needs to change. I never expected him to, but I think I actually wanted him to. I'd never thought of it in those terms because it isn't as obvious with him. He is going back to the college to help with building the sets for their spring production. 6 hour drive away. Can't wait. I could write a novel on this topic, but I don't have time to write it, and you don't have the time to read it.