CrazyWife

35 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I don't think being assertive at work means acting in a confrontational or unprofessional manner.  It's really hard but you have to maintain composure whether in writing or talking and if you feel you cannot you have to walk away, delete the email you're about to send, or save a draft and cool off for 24 hours.  You gain nothing by acting in the way you described other than giving the impression of being a hothead.  

No one can make you feel inadequate.  You choose how you react.  If he criticized your work on a task then you accept the part that helps you or at least gets you to rethink if you could have approached it better and if there is a rude or nasty part you can say-if in person - "I'm not comfortable with the way you are speaking to me right now" or "thank you for the constructive criticism, I will keep it in mind.  I am comfortable with the approach I took and I will let you know if I need further input or have any questions."

It's all in how you say it and how you say it needs to be professional.  Interrupting someone or arguing to that extent often comes across as unprofessional.  I realize you have self esteem issues and you are fortunate to have supervisors with whom you can be open about that but reacting to feeling like you "snapped" means how you behaved including your body language likely came across as unstable and unprofessional.  You just need to find your voice -a voice that is firm, assertive, direct .... and professional.  And sometimes that wil mean waiting till you can have that sort of voice- from a perspective of calm confidence.

Thank you for your reply. Yes, I agree with what you are saying and the arguing just got me nowhere anyway. To be honest, I work in an environment where it is intense and maybe I was mirroring how some communicate in there. I do need to find my voice and I always have prided myself on being professional. The last thing I want is a reputation of being a hot head and not approachable. Maybe that's what is affecting me the most, that I didn't handle it properly. 

I agree with the other comments saying you are both not suited. As a woman who watches porn and who has a husband who watches porn, I wouldn't expect him to stop watching it and I certainly wouldn't have someone trying to police me on the matter. Probably hence why me and him are compatible as it doesn't bother either of us. 

Please don't think any of this has anything to do with you. It's not you at all. You will find the right person for you but you won't if you are with the wrong one so for your sake, move on. 

People can be so ignorant and thoughtless. I can be terrible with pronouncing or remembering names but always correct myself when I say them wrong. 

I would keep insisting on being called by my name if that is your preference. For the worst offenders, maybe suggest you call them by a different name? 

Firstly, sorry for your loss with your grandparent. Hope you are getting the support you need. 

Secondly, imo your boyfriend isn't much of a boyfriend. He sounds more like a freeloader who gets angry with you for asking him to pull his weight. He chose to smoke weed while watching you struggle supporting him. You will end up in a lot of debt if this continues this way. Please seek debt advice, with or without him there. 

He threatens to leave you if you bring up the topic of money. You are his partner not his mother. He needs to realise that this is an adult relationship and that you need to work together to sort of these finances. 

In regards to the weed, as someone who is married with a previous alcohol addiction I can advise you that as long as he smokes weed and spends all your money on it then it will always come first. When I drank, my husband came third in our marriage as the bottle took priority. The only way to give priority to my husband was to stop drinking. 

He threatens to break up with you as a form of controlling behaviour as he is quite happy with the set up. Would he be happy if the situation was reversed?

I have been working on confidence and assertiveness at work. I work in a healthcare / nursing setting. 

I have always lacked confidence and had self esteem issues (plus imposter syndrome) but with help from my management team, I have been building my confidence with decision making, voicing my opinions, taking the lead, dealing with aggressive situations with service users and it has been noticed by others. 

But these two colleagues, one in particular, have returned from long sick leave and this one in particular was trying to make me and a couple of other colleagues feel inadequate about a task, so much so one of them was found crying later on as she was fed up of it. This was the second time he had made me feel inadaquate (two seperate days). 

Well, me and this pigheaded a**hole got in an argument as he was starting up again and this time I actually said stuff back and stood my ground with him. I was then met with being told I wasn't understanding his point and was talking over him which I certainly was not. I just ended the conversation / argument there and then. He then ignored me the rest of the shift which was fine by me lol. 

My friend and husband told me that I should be proud of the fact that I stood up for myself as I would normally avoid conflict but I feel I should have done that when he first started and that i was coward not doing it straight away but something in me just snapped and I had had enough of it. 

I have been going over this in my head for a couple of days and getting upset as I am now filled with self doubt about my decision making and my abilities again. For the past couple of months I have been getting told by colleagues that there has been major differences in me (all good). This colleague obviously doesn't like me sharing opinions. I don't know why I care so much what others think and put my self worth in their hands. 

The other colleague I was talking about has always been so condescending and would rather bark orders than move off her seat. Likes to think she is superior. I always feel uncomfortable around her and just can't be myself aroumd her. 

I do have anxiety / depression so just wonder if it is linked or am I just going to learn how to deal with setbacks? I feel I am more upset about this than I should be. I am looking to moving on from there but don't want chased out especially since my manager has given me more responsibility work wise.

Any advice / words of encouragement appreciated.

7 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Sorry for the loss of your father, but I wouldn’t make the loss of someone else’s father about your issues with the family. Send flowers and don’t go. Write your letter read it out loud at home and burn it. 
 

When my dad died two years ago one of my maternal cousins intruded on our grief ( long story) and left a letter for him in his room after he was comatose. I want to throat punch her even though I haven’t seen her in years. I still have some resentment 2 years later. 

Short story stay out of other people’s grief when it isn’t about you. 

Yes I am going to stay away from her father resting and just write the letter. I want to respect her wishes and she certainly doesn't have to explain her reasons either. 

I will definitely send flowers with a nice card, maybe to be delivered the day after the funeral? I think that's when it really hits you.

10 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

There will be lots of people around during and right after the service for comfort and support but what about the next day or the day after that?  Many times people go back to their lives and the family are left alone.

I think your idea to do something with your friend just the two of you a few days later sounds like a great idea for both of you.

 Were you thinking of meeting for lunch and then possibly taking some flowers to the grave site?

Either way I am sure she understands and means what she says when she said she wouldn't hold it against you.  The brother/ex might show up at the get together after so...

 Lost

Thank you. I know what you mean about being left. To begin with i was inuadated with support but now people get back to their lives and I am left with the grief. 

I just feel like I am being selfish 😥

28 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

This sounds about right. I'm so sorry for the loss of your Dad.

I would avoid complicating the grief of your friend in any way, as this would only complicate your own.

Yeah, there are other ways to show support to my friend without going to the actual service. Maybe i could look at something we can do after and maybe offer to put in a charitable donation to a charity he liked 🤷‍♀️

As hard as it is, you need to let go. Yes maybe you shouldn't have restricted her freedom too much but it wasn't out of malice or controlling behaviour, it was out of love. 

Maybe compromise with her when she leaves on when she calls to check in? She needs to learn to be independent and to go out and enjoy life. She is only in her 20s once and she needs to go out there to learn her life lessons. 

Have you thought about extra support for yourself once she leaves? Therapy? Keeping yourself busy with friends and / or new hobbies?

1 hour ago, Rose Mosse said:

It’s probably best to keep some distance from the family. Whether you go/see/visit anyone or anywhere won’t change the things that happened in the past. It won’t change the person you are or your ability to keep living on and healing. I am so sorry for what happened and what your ex did to you. 

As for your friend potentially not feeling comfortable with it, that is her right to feel what she feels, whatever that may be but don’t assume anything. My thoughts are to leave it and come back to each other as friends some time later. If she wants to open up to you and vice versa thats fine but now isn’t the time.

I’d keep some distance out of respect and also because it doesn’t stop you from thinking or speaking what’s on your mind. Do it in an empty room or go to the woods and say it. He is gone and in the wind. His empty body is just a shell of what he was. Whether you see his lifeless image or not doesn’t prevent you from healing. You’re much stronger than this. 

I was thinking of maybe writing a letter to her Dad and read it out somewhere? 

I really think i'm best not attending the service and maybe looking at another way to celebrate his life with my friend?

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Oh what a rough and vulnerable situation for you ! I am sorry and sorry about your loss of your father. As I read your post my most important thought was “there must be a way to compromise “. So for example- attend the funeral and sit in the back to avoid his son?

plesse don’t pressure the family about showing up to the other event you mentioned. Respect their wishes and find another way to communicate.  To me that’s the right thing to do. 
again I’m sorry you’re faced with such a tough decision and situation.  Wish you peace. 

I was more thinking of avoiding the funeral service and if the son is a no show then go along to the funeral tea? I forgot to mention that my friend is fully aware what happened to me. I just don't want to be anywhere near my ex or see him again.

None of this is your fault. Wouldn't matter if you were wearing skimpy clothing or a potato sack. Rape is not about sex, it is about power and control. I've been raped and know how much emotional hurt it causes. But healing IS possible. 

Please change therapists. Why have him if he just makes you feel worthless? Have you spoke with specialist organisations? Been for a sexual health check? 

Please don't think you are alone in this as you are not. Help is out there. You've had the most traumatic thing in the world happen to you and you are still standing. Rape is used to demoralise you but you are seeking help and healing - you are stronger than you know. 

Again, you have done nothing wrong and please feel free to inbox me at anytime ❤️

My friend's step dad died 3 weeks after my Dad. His funeral is next week. I'm obviously dreading it as it is bringing up raw feelings about my Dad and also the fact the I went out with his son years ago and he was physically, emotionally and sexually abusive towards me. 

I stopped speaking to her Dad when i left his abusive son as i needed to distance myself and cut his son out. Last time me and her step dad spoke was at her wedding a couple of years ago and we got on fine and even sat at the same table.

Anyways, I am dreading the son turning up (the family are not sure he will be there as he is a complete f**k-up). I never want to see him again. My friend says she understands if i can't go to the funeral given all the circumstances and we can pay tribute another way. She said she wouldn't hold it against me.

Am i an a**hole for not going to support her since she went to my dad's funeral? Her and my Dad got on great. I just couldn't cope seeing him and another funeral so soon if i am being honest. But worried it drives a wedge between us. 

Furthermore, I asked where he was resting as I would weirdly want to go and see him to say the things I couldn't say when he was alive. My friend said she had someone ask her if they could see him rest but didn't tell her as they had not been in contact with her dad for a couple of years. She said that her step dad specified family only for viewing his body (he had a funeral plan) and that he thought the whole thing was morbib. 

Part of me thinks she is just trying to stop me going to see him. Plus, is it fair for someone to try and stop me? I am all for respecting the family wishes but it has kinda annoyed me as I feel it would give me some closure going to see him. Her Mum and I have had issues in the past (she even went as far to think me and step dad were sleeping together even when they had been broken up for years) so not sure if she has an issue with me wanting to go see him. 

Maybe my head is just everywhere which has left me with these angry feelings. As mentioned, normally i would just respect their wishes and just leave it. 

10 minutes ago, RKO said:

 

Also she has lots of support btw, I literally wouldn’t, if anything happened to her it would be down for me to look after this child, with no support…

Doesn't matter how much other support networks she has, you are the father and it is your responsibilty. 

Please seek professional support if you are feeling suicidal. However, I would like to add i am nog being nasty by telling you to face up to your responsibilities. Doesn't matter if she chose not to use an IUD (Docs rarely put them in for emergency contraception), this kid is your responsibility. Do you know how damaging it is for a child to be not wanted by a parent? So i will say it again, step up to the plate. You were man enough to make them but not man enough to face responsibility.

8 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Yes, over stimulation.  Too much going on 😞 

You are dealing with a lot!  So, please do not at all feel 'guilt' for not going her way.

Is just fine that you avoided more triggers... you are struggling. So your own self care IS important ❤️ .

Try to go out for some fresh air.. walks,, quiet time?  And limit yourself for a little while on all you expose yourself to ( eg social media).  is hard enough on most - and yeah, I have heard a few times how it reminds many of dealing with their own losses 😕 .

Keep moving ahead on dealing with & accepting your closest loss..  TC

Yeah it's like I feel guilt for my own self care. There is so much going on right now. I'm actually going to the gym tomorrow to just get some me time away from it all. I have now deactivated my facebook and ig accounts just to get away even just for a week. 

Certainly ask for a paternity test once the child is born. Secondly, step up to the plate. You made this baby and she and the child will need your support. You can't just abandon your own child - do you want to be a deadbeat dad? She will struggle emotionally and financially after this child is born and this child will benefit from knowing their father. Sorry if this sounds harsh but MAN THE F**K UP!!!! 

Vaginas can have a smell for lots of reasons e.g. infection, sweat, time of menstrual cycle etc... Sometimes it can be your natural scent too. All vaginas are different and have different smells / tastes. The same can be said about penises. Maybe just check with the doctor you don't have an infection. 

It can also just be because this guy is an immature jerk. Please don't get paranoid about this. Give him the boot!

1 minute ago, Jibralta said:

I think that's the way to go--even if it's just for a week, or a month.

It's wonderful not having to see that crap, believe me. I deleted my facebook almost 10 years ago and I still breathe a big sigh of relief every time I think of what I don't have to see!

Great job staying sober!!

I just think sometimes it makes you more depressed. I remember deactivating it and unfollowing people when Covid first hit as that is all you heard and it was making my anxiety skyrocket. 

She didn't cheat as you are not together. Why are you staying with her when she is not wanting back together with you? Are you working on getting through your past mistakes to get back together? Sounds like she is stringing you along.

I previously posted about my Dad dying and we had the funeral just over a week ago. It was a lovely service and we gave him a good send off. I am currently seeing a therapist. 

I have good and bad days but I know this sounds silly but I have found Queen Elizabeth's death a big trigger for me. I am a Royalist and went to lay flowers for her but just couldn't bring myself to go see her cortege head away from Balmoral as it just brings back all the memories of my Dad's funeral. 

I feel guilty not going to see her cortege and getting fed up of seeing facebook / social media posts of people describing it as a 'once in a lifetime' opportunity and I feel i missed out on something monumental especially for a Royalist like me. But i would have been too emotional. I've been crying all day today. I have already seen funeral cars lately, i don't need to see more and a sea of phones along with it. 

I'm just finding it hard and thankfully have stayed sober. I could honestly just disable all social media for the time being as fed up of seeing people put posts up on social media about her death. Someone has died and they just want to make it into a circus so they can get their facebook likes. Sorry if i am ranting lol. I just hate days like this 😥

I just really miss my Dad and want all this hurt to go. Then when I heard the Queen died, i'm like who next? My friend who completed suicide's first year anniversary is coming up too. I'm just lost. I just want some advice on how i can reduce and manage these triggers.

13 hours ago, Ktf said:

Trigger warning probably. I am 19f. This might be a lot to unpack. I have been in this weird relationship with a family friend since I was very young. My mother passed away around that time and he was going through a divorce, he lived with us for about 2 years. He lives a couple hours away now. We live in his hometown, he comes several times a year and stays with us. Anywhere from a couple days - couple of months and things always pick up between us. 

 

When my mother passed away my father became withdrawn, distant, and starting drinking more and away from the house. He works a lot so he wasn’t at the house much. Family friend and I became close. We spent a lot of time together. He taught me to drive, got me food. Things just slowly escalated until we were sleeping together like a lot.

 

I had very strong feelings for him. I still do but it was worse back then. When he eventually moved out it was really hard on me. I was extremely depressed but eventually I was ok. He would come stay with us and I was happy, he would leave and i would get depressed again. I eventually got more used to it. 

 

I have been in a relationship with a great guy for about 6 months, first real relationship. My father told me family friend was going to be staying for 2 weeks. I texted him that I was in a relationship now. He called me later that night I was surprised that he was mad at me? He has always dated so I don’t really get why. He hung up on me. 

 

This is the 4th day of being here and he has been all over me, trashed my bf. Last night he came into my room while I was asleep. I tried to tell him to stop and that I couldn’t do this. He just kept telling me to be quiet, he put his leg on my legs. We ended up having sex. I could have made it a bigger deal and stopped it…. But I didn’t. I feel horrible. 

 

Idk if I should just go ahead and break up with my bf since I did what I did? Idk what to tell him. I told him I had a migraine today and I’ve been in my room all day. I just feel really lost. I want a real relationship with someone, not what I have had going on with family friend. I don’t understand what family friend wants from me. We will never have a real relationship obviously. I know everyone’s first suggestion will be to tell my father, I just can’t do that right now at the very least. I have a therapist who I’ve been too scared to tell much about him since I was underage when it started. I’m more concerned about my bf right now. If I tell him he could freak out and come tell my dad or something. I have never talked to anyone about any of this. I’m leaning towards trying to talk to family friend again and going from there.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Since you were underage when it happened and with the incident the other night - that is classed as rape. Please seek support from your therapist and / or rape crisis centre.

What this man did was grooming when you were underage. He saw you as vulnerable when your mother died and used the situation to his advantage. In regards to the phone call, that is still part of the grooming process. 

Please tell your therapist this. I know it is hard as I have been involved with a man in the past who raped me. Please don't blame yourself as you are not at fault here. If you wish to tell youf boyfriend, please do. If he is a decent guy he won't blame you. But I would say tell your therapist first. 

Please feel free to private message me at any time. 

As a woman who prefers male company to female company, I can honestly tell you that men and women can have strictly platonic relationships. I have several. 

When i started taking calls at home from a male co-worker (we *** about work 😂), I asked my husband if he were ok with it as I didn't want him thinking that my co-worker had other intentions and certainly didn't want him feeling uncomfortable. 

Has she said she is wanting to go on holiday with him? And to stay over at his house? I admit her insisting on going along to his alone to view his new home is strange and it would cause alarm bells to ring for me. 

I can understand that new friendships are exciting but it shouldn't be above your marriage or your significant other's feelings. I wonder how she would feel if the shoe were on the other foot? 

Clear boundaries need to be set. Tell your wife that you accept her friendship but there are some things you will not accept. Make it clear that if she continues to do these things then it will cause issues in your marriage. Then the ball is in her court. 

Have you thought of seeing a counsellor / therapist (even on your own) to discuss this issue? 

44 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I would presume it's because he dumped her because she was "fat". I wouldn't bother talking nice about someone like that either.

But the whole thing is ridiculous. Immature.

Jeez i missed that part. I can now see why she was saying stuff like that. They all sound like immature brats.

You have two choices here - 

1. Whip your d*ck's out next to each other and compare them (feel free to send me a pic of them if you want an impartial judge 😉) 

2. Dump this immature brat. If a real friend heard that *** he wouldn't repeat it and would call out your ex on her ***ty behaviour. You got to ask yourself why she felt comfortable *** talking you in front of him? Not much of a friend imo.