CrazyWife

But this whole thing is weird. I stand up for myself but still feel like crap and when I ignore it and do nothing, I still feel like crap. 

Just now, TeeDee said:

I wouldn't.  Your manager wants to talk about ways you can make the company more money.  This person doesn't want to talk about interpersonal dynamics.   This counseling session is not therapy.   You need to always present your best most confident self to the boss. 

It's a hospital so not sure if it is about making money. This manager knows about the conflict I have had with this loud mouthed cow before. I should maybe just confidently say I had this conflict and look at different ways to handle such conflicts in future? 

47 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

Here is a little secret I used to use a lot.  It is a way of putting thoughts in their heads without you actually making a complaint.  Try this:  "Hey Manager, I need some advice (makes them feel superior) the other day _______ came up to me talking to me like she is my manage so I told her "I said well sorry boss but no" then I had to repeat myself when she tried again.  Do you think that is the best way to handle that situation?"

This does two things.  One it puts the thought in the managers head that she thinks she is the boss when he is the one running the show.  Second it will tune his radar towards her and he will start looking for her acting this way.  The best part of all this is that you asked for advice, not for him to fix it for you or file a complaint because he really does not want to deal with that.

 Listen carefully to his advice and if he asks you if you want to make a formal complaint just tell him "No, I think I can handle it but if I need you I was will not hesitate to let you know."

 I used this for years to steer management in the direction I wanted them to go.  They always thought it was their idea. 😉

Lost

Brilliant idea 😄

22 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

No, don't deal with it by yourself.  Getting a third party involved ensures your protection and safety.  1:1 confrontations or 1:2 confrontations including the colleague who quietly laughs,  will not be advantageous to you.  A manager's job is to ensure the colleagues function professionally and contently.  Whenever there's discord,  it should be addressed and resolved in a timely manner. 

Even though it is perceived as a child running to the manager about things, do it because this is the way to force colleagues to behave themselves.  When you call out their intolerable and unacceptable behavior to management or HR (human resources),  they either shape up or ship out. 

Maybe something I will consider. I just sometimes feel that it may not have benefits running to a manager straight away. I have monthly counselling type meetings with a higher up manager in a couple of days so may bring it to her attention as I trust her judgement. 

26 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

You did great! If you're worried about a continuation of the behavior, have a plan 'B' in mind. It could be raising with the coworker that if she has a complaint about you or your work, you're willing to set up a meeting with management for the two of you to resolve it with them.

Thank you and that is a response I will keep in mind. 

54 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

First off good on you!  That was a perfect response to her assertions.  Keep that up and she will fade away.

  Managers are not around all the time and going to them for this would probably just increase it.  I am not saying it is okay but you need to remember we teach others how to treat us and you did a great job of teaching both of them that day.

 I expected my people to take care of their own personal issues themselves and if they felt like it was not getting anywhere I would step in.  They did not want me stepping in trust me.  I am pretty good with confrontations and handle them well but I do not like them at all so you are not alone there.

 I don't know if you are proud of the way you handled that but I am proud of you.  No matter where you go or where you work there will always be someone that thinks they are in charge when they are not.  Putting them in their place like you did teaches them that they are no better than you.

Feel good about what you did and keep it up, I love it when a blow hard gets shot down like that!

Lost

Thank you so much and I will certainly keep a log of their behaviours from now on. I just got so fed up of her and her loud mouth. 

6 minutes ago, TeeDee said:

I think you handled it with humor but enforced your boundaries.  Change your self talk.  Rather than being upset, tell yourself that you should be proud. 

My husband is telling me to be proud of myself but I am sitting here ruminating over it. I think a lot of trauma has caused me to feel guilty when reinforcing my boundaries. I have like work counselling sessions with a higher up manager coming up this week and thinking of discussing it then. 

5 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

It would be safer for you to have protection meaning request your manager to have a meeting with the four of you.  The meeting would include the manager,  you and your two abusive co-workers.  Address the rudeness and disrespect such as snide comments,  laughing / snickering quietly and other issues or complaints of yours. 

Whenever you have the manager informed and aware of your toxic work environment,  usually employees tend to behave better because they don't like this type of negative attention impacting their job security.  Be shrewd.  Either apologies and corrections will be made in order for you to have a satisfactory work environment or the manager will enforce disciplinary actions against your troublemakers.  Handle this situation in a professional manner for effective results in your favor.  If you are frustrated by your manager's inability to resolve this case,  go up the chain of command or HR (human resources).  Squeaky wheel gets the grease. 😉

But to rely on management to deal with it? Shouldn't I be dealing with them myself? It just seems like I am a child running to my manager about things. 

I have written about issues I have had before about standing up for myself and have made some progress. I had a work colleague try to bully me and I actually took him aside to speak to him about work issues where I wouldn't have done so like last year. 

Well we have this loud mouthed coworker who is just rude and acts like she is a manager. She made a snide comment and I asked her if she was talking to me. She said yes and I said "well sorry boss etc..." and she replied and I again said well sorry boss but no". All the while the colleague I had issues with before was laughing quietly (they are pals and yes act like children). I just walked out the office and went home as it was time for me to leave. 

I am fed up with the way she talks to me and undermines me. I admit being sarcastic didn't help but I kinda just snapped. I don't feel bad if I pissed her off but worried how I looked to everyone in the office. I'm not used to standing up for myself and was actually tearful on the way home. I feel upset by the situation and not sure where to go from here. 

I keep thinking that I have difficulty standing up for myself as I had an abusive mother and was bullied as a child as well as been in an abusive relationship. 

Personally I think I should be proud that I did stand up to her as why should I be undermined at work and have someone act like my manager. My manager has noticed that my assertiveness and confidence has grown a lot. I said no to these colleagues and they didn't like it. 

I just hate confrontation and always feel I am in the wrong. How to fix this mindset? 

2 hours ago, catfeeder said:

This is something important to consider, and mainly because you wrote this:

I get this. I was an overachiever exactly because of this. I suffered the A+ student syndrome through a good part of my career, and all the way through my Master's degree because I didn't know where the bar was set. So because I would view anything less than an A+ as criticism of my work, I became obsessive about leaping so far over that imaginary bar, there could be no room for a lesser grade.

That was lonely. I saw the people around me relaxed and playful and delivering presentations and submitting work so far below what I believed was acceptable, yet they'd get good grades and still advance along with me. REALLY? Well, doesn't this sound like what you're doing, especially when you take over other peoples work?

A therapist can not only help you with your self esteem bottom line, but you'll have someone to help you review your cut-back plans and hold you accountable to reporting actual progress in this area. You'll also challenge yourself to take private criticism from your therapist and avoid playing "the good patient" who cannot be honest with a therapist just because you're striving to get an A+ in therapy! Instead, you can raise this with the therapist, up front, and ask to be busted on your BS so you can learn how to relax and get real.

Head high, but not too high 🙂

I was exactly like that during university and was an A student with only one B to my name. I was crushed when I got that B it may as well have been a F to me! Seen so many just get a passing grade and not care. I done uni work every night and felt bad if I took a day off. 

5 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

You nailed it right there!!!

 We all could use more balance in our lives, some more than others.

Just like any bad habit or addiction the first step is identifying it and accepting that you have it. Solving it or working on it takes time, sometimes a lot of time.  Please remember you took years to find yourself where you are at so it will take some time to find the balance you seek. You can see the issue and accept it is a real problem which is a huge first step.  

 I have lost sight of what is really important in my life many times but I  always seem to find my way back.  We only have so many days on this earth to live a happy life and I do not want to waste any of it on something that is pretty low on my importance list.

Lost

PS Do you feel like you can fix this yourself or need a skilled therapist?

Looking at exploring this with a therapist I have went to in the past as I have touched on this before but never fully explored it 

14 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

What is the situation at home?

I am asking because often times we use things as "escapism" from reality. For example, you maybe do it with work, and was probably doing it with alcohol, somebody else does it with things like computer games etc. If things are not good at home, its no wonder you "retreated" to the part of your life where you are actually good at aka work.

We have just moved home (I forgot to mention this part!) and away from two nightmare neighbours and work was my refuge. I do find being a parent difficult and can at times feel a failure at it. 

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

This is a great idea to prevent burnout as well as simply focusing on one thing or another.

Perhaps join some groups and clubs get involved in sports and fitness, take some classes and courses, broaden your social horizons. 

This way you can round things out and not get "addicted" to any particular thing. 

Yeah as I feel I can also over indulge in food if I am stressed or go back to cigarette smoking too. I need better outlets and just need to balance everything out better

Thanks for your responses. I do feel I may have traits of an addictive personality. I do wonder if I pull focus on something so intensely where I feel in control. 

I can struggle with the stresses of parenthood at times and lack confidence as a parent on occasion. 

I may need to find a better outlet for all this rather than becoming obsessed with work and seeking outside validation of my self worth. I should feel lucky I have family and friends who love me. 

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I think people are more quick to label others as workaholics these days.  I think there's zero wrong with focusing on work outside of work if it makes the person feel good and if it's not an obsession/addiction -just like a parent who focuses on their kids and gets judged as a helicopter parent.  I haven't had "just a job" since maybe 1991.  Neither has my husband.  I do have to check my tendency to get too work focused.  And I do.  I can see where I could become a workaholic if I didn't do so.  I am very proud of my work, the contributions I make/try to make and equally proud of my husband's work.  I think I care too much at times -but again I check that -I'm not stuck in it or obsessed.  I haven't had a typical hours 9 to 5 job either since the early 90s.  I chose that.  For different reasons over the years.  Neither does my husband.  I do plan someday if I keep working at a certain age/stage to have a predictable hours job again -likely when my son goes to college. 

I think there is far more focus now on that elusive work life balance.  When I started out in my intense and intensely competitive career in 1994 -my second career- it was expected you were on call 24/7 and there was no internet so you did this mostly at the office -early mornings/late nights, weekends.  Not 24/7 at the office unless there was a big deadline.  Then yes -we did what was needed.  Were we workaholics -I mean who knows - back then though my point is that this level of focus in my industry was -normal.  Now it would not be or there would be tremendous pushback from all I see.  I don't work in that environment anymore but I also don't have a predictable job.  As a SAHM for 7 years I worked in that sort of environment -it prepared me well! Was I a workaholic as a SAHM because of my focus, my 24/7 on call. thinking about my "work" with our son when he was sleeping? I don't think so.  

I do think that certain people have addictive personalities.

Thank you for your response. I have done some digging and yes I have always taken my job seriously but it's like I stopped drinking which as an addict was a main focus and then it went to work. 

Was out at a birthday party today trying to focus solely on my child but kept thinking of work but at the same time knowing that I had to address this problem. 

Wanting to focus on being healthier/ getting back to the gym and perhaps moving to a less intense area of work which may be more beneficial changes to make, especially for my self esteem. 

4 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

This is about control.  In your work environment you are in control while your non work environment you don't feel the same or no control. It is a form of escape that gives you comfort and a sense of safety.

 This is not uncommon and not specific to alcoholics/recovering alcoholics but many do use it as a crutch to keep them from drinking.

  What is it you fear?  Certainly the world will not stop spinning or your company will not implode if you do not do all these work related stuff on your off hours so what is it that you fear?

 Lost

Maybe I just want to prove dedication to my role and that I'm actually good at something? Maybe a lot of this has to do with self esteem. I don't take criticism of my work well at all. Even constructive criticism as dedicate so much to my work. I use it for my self worth I guess. 

4 hours ago, ShySoul said:

From what I've seen I think some people tend to have addicitive personalities. They throw themselves into whatever thier focus is on. I imagine an alcoholic might be prone to this. I've also known former alcoholics to do it with religion, becoming devout and born again. 

I understand wanting to do a good job with your work. I especially understand feeling like leaving things to others means they won't be done properly. But you can't do or control everything. Trying to will eventually burn you out. My best friend became so stressed over work it made her sick to the point she ended up in the hospital. That wouldn't help anyone - you, your family, or your co-workers. Everyone needs to take time for themselves and appreciate what really matters in life. 

There will always be more work to do, another meeting or presentation. The business will keep on going, trading out workers as needed. But your children are only young for so long. Don't lose the moments with them. When you look back on life it's those moments that will mean the most. Make time for them. Family comes first.

Thank you for such a kind and thoughtful comment. I do worry about losing this time with them and have always found that I really can take things to the extreme. 

It has been brought up to me that I focus too much on work outside work. That I am very career focused. I have done the following -

- Focused on work rather than family and friends 
- Done work related tasks when out socialising and constantly thinking about work
- Get frustrated when others don't do work tasks, meetings on their days off and think of them as having no work ethic 
- Take over tasks at work or I see them as not getting done properly if left to others 

I just think about work constantly and have a colleague that calls me all the time about work. I feel I neglect my family for work. 

I was once an alcoholic and have now stopped drinking. I wonder if I have exchanged alcohol for work. I rely on work for validation too much. I worry that I focus not enough on my family and after discussion with my partner, he said I spend too much time on the phone to colleagues after work rather than spend time with my family. 

I worry one day I will look up and our children have fled the nest and I missed all the good times because I was just to obsessed with something that will replace me easily if I die tomorrow. 

2 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Good! Consider that this is the only time you’ve crossed paths since your move, so your odds are low of seeing him again. Also note that rather than confront you directly, he chose to just throw an insult over his shoulder. So given an opportunity to try to harm you, he did not. If you see him again, pretend you don’t recognize him, and move away without interacting. I think you can let this go without ruminating further, and chalk off the overthinking as having been triggered by your startle response.

Thank you for your reassuring comments. I need to put my focus and energies on to something better for me. 

55 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

I hear. Most cities have more than one grocery store. Why not do an Internet search of stores on the other side of you, and further away from him?

This doesn't mean that you can't ever go back to the store where you saw him, but for the time being, until you start feeling less afraid, you might find more pleasant shopping places. So the outcome would be that you made this pay off in your favor. It pushed you out of your 'comfort zone,' so to speak, to find something even better.

I wasn't using this grocery store at the time but walking past it as that's where I stop on public transport but I guess I can change that up too until I feel more comfortable again. 

Sorry this is happening to you. I understand why you would feel shame as I've been in an abusive relationship. It takes courage to walk away and trust me, the courage is there. You have nothing to be ashamed of. 

Can you contact a domestic abuse charity or support line for advice? Contact a lawyer to see where you stand with the house? 

Unfortunately, with any abusive relationship, it will get worse not better. I was with a man who abused substances and he was a Jekyl and Hyde. Fine sober but a nightmare when intoxicated. It's scary as you walk in eggshells waiting for the explosion. 

Please get advice and support when he is away. It is scary walking away but for your physical and mental health, you need to. Would you contact police for help?

So sorry you went through this. You no way asked for this and it is disgusting that your boyfriend said you were. 

I had this happen to me when very drunk and can understand the trauma that comes with it. Please seek professional help through a therapist or a rape crisis service. 

What he done was rape. Do you think you were drugged? 

3 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I understand that you were startled. You already know he’s deranged, so think of him as someone else’s patient, and NEVER escalate by retaliating. Not only could you raise violence, but the people around you can already surmise that the guy has mental illness based on his behavior. Well, what would it say about you if you match his behavior?

If you walked the streets of a city and a beggar called out after you walked by, would you turn around to start a confrontation with him, or would you keep walking? This is the same thing, only you know where he lives.

You speak of caring for an abusive patient, and you’re able to keep a professional mind while doing so, or else you’d lose your job. So why not apply the same skills here?

Head high, and enjoy your new home. Don’t allow a passing incident to rob you of your focus.

I was thinking of dealing with it as I would my patients. I work in a psych ward. I can get abuse on a daily basis but deal with it as calmly as possible. 

I think my issue is overthinking the whole thing. I worry about further episodes or violence from him or his associates. I maybe need to let it go. 

I didn't move too far from him but far enough. The city I stay in isn't too big unfortunately. 

15 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I'd do more that involves getting out of my own head - spend time with friends is great if you don't dwell on your focus on past neighbors.

I was with friends today and chose not to discuss my ex neighbour as wanted to speak about other things 

5 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I have the tendency to do several things that are not so healthy/not in my best interests -especially when I am tired or under stress -part of adulting and life - so what are you go to tools when you have to make choices to ignore or make a different choice when you these thoughts you have the tendency to have enter  your head?

Spend time with friends, maybe do more meditation, thought records sheets where I challenge my unhelpful thoughts, journalling perhaps.