SherrySher

Your gut instinct is spot on, there is huge red flags here on why she's not the one. You should be allowed to have personal opinions about things and not have her get angry at you, or lash out at you, or punish you. The fact that she always feels she's right, is a huge problem. No one is right all the time, and it takes a lot of maturity to admit fault and be open to others observations and opinions as well as realize that you might be in the wrong. If your girlfriend can't do any of those things, then you will either end up in a lot of arguments, or you will end up being forced into a situation where you aren't allowed to say anything and can't voice your opinions, ever. That's a mentally abusive situation to be in. As for her texting other men, if it were a friend, then there isn't anything wrong with it. But it does become a problem when she is trying to hide the conversation from you and is not being open with you about it. Definitely something is going on that shouldn't be if she feels the need to be hiding things. Another red flag that she is not being honest, not being fair and could potentially be cheating on you. Bottom line, even though you feel she has good points, her bad points are deal breakers and she wouldn't make a good partner for marriage.

Blackmailing anyone for sex, is not okay. He is basically using sex as a bargaining tool, saying he will help out, IF he gets sex. That's very toxic and unhealthy. It sounds as though he also does little to nothing to help "set the mood", or romance you at all. It's no wonder you feel turned off. You might want to start off having a talk with him and letting him know that you don't want sex to be something that is demanded when it comes to helping each other run the house and manage your life together. Sex shouldn't be used like that, nor should you be punished if you don't comply. It's also unreasonable of him to expect and demand sex when you are not only trying to look after a child all day long, but you are trying to manage all kinds of things in order to make your homelife work. You get tired, you aren't in the mood, it's not okay for him to expect sex at the drop of a hat like that. Lastly, sex should be about physical intimacy, love, an emotional connection between you two since you are a married couple. Even if it was on the fly and you wanted it to be passionate, he is going about it all the wrong way. He is not making any kind of effort at all to entice you, romance you. He has zero foreplay, nothing that makes you feel turned on. It's no wonder it falls flat for you. If things are to improve at all, you two should sit down and talk to each other and come to an agreement on when sex is okay and that it should be a mutual decision, and definite foreplay that goes on for both of you. Otherwise he is just going to make you feel more and more colder about sex and it will start to feel more like work.

I think you have thought all of this through in a very reasonable manner. You don't sound like someone who would ever be with a married man. You sound like a very nice lady.

Lots do it...sometimes it works out to be serious relationships, sometimes it ruins the friendship. But it's her choice to make at the end of the day as to what she wants to risk. If she wants to be intimate with this man, none of us can say what will become of it. It's a guess. She has said quite a few times now that she is okay with it not being a relationship. Sounds pretty sensible to me.

Nothing silly at all. This lady knows what she wants and what she's comfortable telling him. If she is disappointed, it sounds like she knows how to handle it. At the end of the day, it will be her situation to deal with. But I think she sounds pretty level headed about all of it.

OP, I think it's perfectly fine to meet up with this man, have a night or intimacy and thank him for the happiness he brought you in high school. Nothing wrong with it whatsoever, despite what people have tried to tell you on here. It's sweet and it sounds like you know what you want and what to expect. I will cross my fingers for you that it all goes as you have hoped it will.

I honestly don't understand why you are all giving this lady a hard time? Can't you just give her support, wish her well and let it go? She wants to have a one night stand with this man, maybe even a possible fling, and if she wants to also thank him for giving her happiness (in whatever form that might have been back in high school), why judge, tell her it's wrong, mock it, or just plain tell her it's not correct? His handsome face brought her happiness. Nothing wrong with that at all. She wants to let him know. I think it's nice. Se has said, over and over that she is not looking for a serious romance with this man. It sounds pretty cut and dry to me. Meet up with him, have a night of passion, let him know he brought her happiness during a rough time in her life. End of. Why make it so complicated by scolding her, or trying to tell her it's not right? Live and let live...honestly. She's not harming anyone, any disappointments will be hers to deal with. If she doesn't take your advice, so be it. I have written thousands of posts and I bet lots have not taken my advice, and that's okay. But to me, this lady sounds like she knows what she wants and her opinion and thoughts are just as valid and as important as everyone else's.

Does he work fulltime, or go to school during the day? If he does either one of those, then it makes sense why he takes a while to answer during the day.

Hi Deirdre: I have read over all of your posts and I feel you've got a good grasp on what you want. Even if you are on the spectrum, that still does not mean you don't understand about dating versus having a fling for sexual satisfaction (which by the sounds of it, you definitely do understand and know the difference). You have spoken to this man quite a lot for quite a long time by the sounds of it about being intimate with one another, to the point of already facetiming an texting sexually. It sounds completely reasonable and that you both understand what is going on and what you both want. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you wanting to meet with this man to have a fling. No, he is not using you. No, he isn't treating you badly. He is simply wanting to be intimate the way you want to be intimate as well. Nothing wrong with it at all. If you both have mutually agreed to wanting to meet up for sex, then there is no problem at all. The only issue I see here, is obviously getting past your parents. They are concerned, but possibly maybe being too overcautious as you yourself have already decided on your own what you want, and are being very thoughtful on how it's going to go. You are not meeting up with a stranger (which is a good thing). You are not meeting up with someone you barely know. You and he have talked for a very long time now and do know one another. It again, all sounds very reasonable. When the time comes, let your Mom know that you are going out with your friend for dinner and a movie. That's all she needs to know. But make sure you have your phone on you at all times in case you need to contact someone, or even a taxi. You sound like a very sensible lady who has thought this through in all areas. I hope people realize that you having Autism, does not mean that you aren't capable of making this decision, or that you don't understand what choice you are making. You would like to have a fling with him, as he does with you too. That's perfectly fine. I hope when you both decide on a date and time again, that it works out for you both. Keep us updated, and good luck. 🙂 PS: Telling your friend your personal story before, or after sex, is again totally fine. Even if you're not dating, he is still your friend and by the sounds of it, he is interested in hearing it. It's a lovely idea to let him know. I just hope that you won't be too hurt if you do decide to want to date after sex, and he decides to doesn't want to. But if you're okay not dating, then it sounds like it will all go good. 🥰 It's totally okay to tell someone you have a fling with a personal story if you want. There are no rules. 🙂

Him messaging with her in the first place was a very bad indication that he wasn't a good guy. You are absolutely right in that there is no way any decent person would be entertaining someone else in text, at all. All you need to do is tell someone in one sentence, I am in a relationship, not interested. End of. If he didn't do that, then he was considering his options. The fact that he went on to have a phone call with her, and told her he wants her so badly...that's a total deal breaker and reason to kick him to the curb...HARD!!! And no, it wasn't this girls fault. It was his. He has every responsibility to be respectful and decent to YOU because you are in a relationship with him. It doesn't matter what temptations are out there, if he cared for you deeply and was a respectful guy, he would not even think twice over some woman trying to get onto him. This is not a decent guy. Immature, disrespectful, low grade type of man. End it, and don't even look back.

Give it some time. You will become that guy that can't satisfy her and another guy cheating with her.

Opinions vary, but I truly don't buy that. If you're creating a relationship where it starts off ugly (cheating), that's never a good thing.

If she was meant for you, she wouldn't have a husband. The only way to date her, would be to become a home wrecker and by force. That alone should tell you that she's not meant for you. Anything meant for you, won't be unavailable or involve hurting others.

Read the paragraph your wrote a few times to yourself and imagine that you're reading what someone else wrote. Can you see how it sounds like you darn well know that this person is toxic and has made your life hell, and yet you keep justifying and running towards it? Stop thinking with your nether regions!! If you truly want peace, the simple life, you would cut her loose and make sure this crazy never has access to you or your children, ever again!

I didn't even read all of it. You're right, it sounds like a total nightmare. She is immature, a liar, a cheater. Will she cheat on you? I mean, you're 14 years older than her and her ego seeks out attention constantly, so what do you think? It's an almost absolute that she will cheat on you. She also has little to no respect for you, so she won't feel bad when she does toss you for a younger version. It's just a matter of time.

End it. This man is an abuser, and it's only going to get worse. Honestly, I worry about your safety. He needs help and it doesn't sound like he's anywhere near getting help, please end things before it gets dangerous.

Absolutely. Remember, you're not only choosing a partner here, but you're also choosing a father figure for your children. A gambler, a liar, and a smoker, are big reasons why he is a bad choice.

1.) He refuses to cooperate on when you can see one another and when you cannot. 2.) He lies to you about different things. (It doesn't matter if he doesn't cheat, lying is a huge deal, and a deal breaker for most). 3.) He's a gambler and will no doubt waste a lot of money on it, as well as no doubt go back to the lying about it. And he could possibly put your family in financial ruin if one day you live together. 4.) Wasn't too bothered about your birthday, didn't make much effort at all. 5.) Invalidates your feelings by telling you you're overthinking, overreacting. 6.) You're further down the list of the people he has as a priority. Seriously, look over this list. If you seen this person on a dating site and this was his list, would you ever bother giving them the time of day? Stop fooling yourself that you're compatible, or that this guy is a good choice for you. He isn't.

Unfortunately as sad as that is, it's true. Lots of people find it "harmless". Mind you, they aren't the ones on the other end of it who gets hurt. There are also people out there that don't mind at all if their partner behaves like this. Different standards, different perspectives. I come from the perspective as having an ex husband who checked women out and would constantly tell me that "it meant nothing", and that I needed to "ease up". So I did. I eased up, didn't stress about it, didn't take offence. He loved it, it meant he could be more and more open with checking women out. Said he would never, ever cheat. Well, you can guess what he ended up doing. Yep, he cheated, and he cheated, and he cheated again. Lesson learnt. People who have roving eyes could potentially cause a lot of pain.

Whoever that 60 year old was, total creeper. I feel sorry for his wife.

Locker room talk is not okay. Don't ever let anyone ever convince you that "boys will be boys". Certain men behave badly, and it's not alright. Society over the years has tried to convince women to lower their standards and to "look the other way", when it comes to bad behavior from men. We're not meant to speak up, or point out men behaving badly, and if we do, then we are a prude, or too highstrung. Keep your standards high, girl!! You will end up with a better man and better experiences if you don't accept poor behavior! You don't need to, and you shouldn't have to. No, it's not okay for your boyfriend to be checking out another woman, and to furthermore, comment about what he finds attractive to other guys. It's disrespectful, immature, and a low quality type of man. However, your boyfriend did point out that he knew it was wrong, he did apologize. He might actually be genuinely sorry for what he did and how he behaved. It's totally up to you whether you give him another chance, or not. If not...do not feel bad about it, ever! Head held high.

Just to hopefully make things a bit clearer for you. Every single human being notices other human beings and can tell whether they are attractive, or not. It just is, and will always be. The problems start when someone who is already in a relationship, purposely starts leering at other people and checking them out. That's not okay, nor is it respectful to their partner. Secondly, talking about what they find attractive about someone else. Also not okay as it's a matter of disrespect to their partner. What your boyfriend did, wasn't okay. He has apologized for it, and has acknowledged that what he did was wrong. Me personally, I would let it go and hope it doesn't happen again. It's up to you though on what your boundaries are and what is going to upset you enough to call it quits.

You are confusing being supportive, with wanting to tell them your opinion and complaining over what bothers you and what you think they should do. Being supportive is listening to their problems without giving your opinions, and even if asked for your opinions, being gentle about it so as to not create drama and cause your friend to be even more angry, or upset. Why? Because this is for her to figure out on her own as it's her son. If you want to give out opinions and how upset you are, you can do that when it's your son and your future daughter in law. A lot of times too, people want someone to listen, but not necessarily advice. Helping pick out a dress is one thing, but it's not the same as getting involved in what she should do about the fiancee. Only she can decide that on her own.

If you're this unhappy, Alex, then perhaps it's time to start focusing on yourself and to improve your own life right now. You sound miserable and my heart feels sad for you, truly. First and foremost, do you have a therapist/counsellor that you see? I recommend finding one as this will help greatly with navigating with issues that might be troubling you such as low self esteem, depression, etc. Secondly, try getting out more, whether it's taking a cooking class, joining a Meet up group, finding new social groups, a new hobby, or anything of any kind of interest to you that will help you meet new people. You will feel better getting out of the house, and being able to challenge yourself with help you feel better in yourself. You may even end up helping you find new friends who will bring you more happiness. You have good intentions in being a good friend to this lady and that is commendable, unfortunately, any issues with the fiancee, your friend will have to decide on her own how to deal with things and with the fiancee. This is her son, she dearly loves her son. She is going to have to be very gentle on how she deals with the situation, so she doesn't end up in a huge fight with her son, and could end up losing her son. Trust me, Alex, you don't want to be the one who could be blamed for pushing this lady into drama, or upset. If this lady decides not to do anything about the fiancee, let her do as she chooses and please try to not be upset about that. This lady's focus is on her son, and not falling out with him. Even if the fiancee is a bridezilla, the son chose her and now the Mom has to respect his choice. Your job is to listen to her upset, without getting involved, or pushing her one way, or the other.

You are only kidding yourself here. No, he is not secretly wanting a child. He doesn't want one. He is saying that to string you along because he knows it's what you want to hear. He isn't going to magically change his mind one day. Also, why would you ever want a child with someone who isn't 100% enthusiastic and 100% wanting a child? Do you know how horrible it will be on the child if they do come along and he barely looks at them? Don't do that to a baby, please.