angelsgal

The thing is....I don't think that I can ever be friends with him. I tried to do the "friendly" thing with him by chatting to him whenever I saw him, but I wasn't doing anything other than hurting myself because I do still want him in my life as a boyfriend. Until I can get past that feeling, I would rather not be around him. I don't know what's worse.....never seeing him or having to deal with all the "small talk" from him if I did.

Some of you may have seen my previous posts about dealing with my breakup and handling NC. Here's the story: Anyway, I maintained NC until the ex-BF started calling and emailing me, and dropping by places where I was going to be. Finally I agreed to meet with him to talk and it went very well. I even thought he just needed to do some more thinking and he would want to get back together with me. So I stupidly started taking his calls and being friendly to him again. I invited him over to my house for cards (lots of other people were going too!) and he showed up early. Again, I assumed this was a positive response and that he was going to ask me to stay afterwards and say "let's get back together again". Instead he starts with the small talk and when I asked him why he came over, he said, "We always have so much fun together and others are coming to....it will be fun". Before I could say anything, several other people showed up and I didn't want to deal with it in front of them, so I said nothing. I was doing so well until these "talks" began. Now I feel like I'm right back where I was 6 weeks ago.....alone & miserable. (And I'm normally such an upbeat person too!) He's confusing me so much that I decided to go back on NC again.....even if it means not doing things that I love just to ensure that I don't run into him (something I refused to do weeks ago). I am just so tired and drained emotionally, and I'm having a hard time dealing with this the second time around. It sounds like he just wants to be friends, even though I've told him twice that I didn't want to be friends with him. But I also feel stupid for thinking that he wants to get back together with me just because he is calling me all the time! Does anyone have any thoughts on this and how I can deal with it?

That's similar to what my ex-BF said to me.....he couldn't be bothered to work on the relationship because relationships should be easy and if we had to work at it, then it wasn't meant to be saying, "There's someone better for me out there than you." Another one he used when I asked him about working on our relationship was that his head wasn't in it and when I asked him about his heart, he said, "My heart is not involved either". Those remarks really hurt!

Excellent points, Sparrow! I've been doing a lot of reading on the "getting back together" boards since meeting with my ex-BF for the first time after 4 weeks of NC and one of the thoughts that I'm wrestling with is if he does want to get back together, what is going to stop him from breaking my heart again? He will have to work hard at regaining my trust and as much as I still love him, it would be easier to just move on to a new relationship.....less work too! But you have to determine if you love them enough to work at building a new relationship with them and know in your heart, mind, body, and soul that THEY are willing to work at it too. All the effort cannot come from one person.....otherwise, you'll just be going through another breakup all over again.

That's exactly what I'm afraid of....that even if we do get back together, he'll break up with me down the road for some other vague reason and I'll be hurt even more. I still have to do a lot of thinking about what I need out of a relationship. In the meantime, I'm going to take it one day at a time, stay busy, go out with friends, and if I meet someone else that I want to go out with, I'll do that as well. And if he wants to talk to me, I'll let him be the one to initiate it. Will keep you posted! Thanks Scout!

If you are not ready to handle talking to her.....do not call her back. Maintaining the NC will make you stronger in the long run and you're doing it for YOUR piece of mind. Let me ask you this......did she leave a voice message? Or did she hang up without leaving one?

Well, I managed to survive my first "real" conversation with my ex-BF. We did not get back together, but he was actually talking to me this time and listening to what I had to say, although I took your advice and let him do most of the talking. It's strange that I could actually see the humor in the situation when he would start to talk and then go "hmmmm", "well.....uh" and I just looked at him and didn't immediately start talking like I would have done in the past. I could tell that he expected me to do it too, and he was surprised when I didn't. If he wanted to talk about the relationship, I let him and when he switched to "small talk", I let him do that as well. When he asked me about all the things going on in my life, I was vague on the details and just said things like, "I've been keeping busy, playing sports, going out to the movies, and hanging out with my friends." He actually had new things to say too and didn't even bring up the "let's be friends" speel! (Part of me thought he would rehash the same old issues, trying to get me to agree with him that the break up was a good thing). He admitted that relationships are not easy. (When I suggested shortly after the break up that we needed to work on our relationship, he said that couples shouldn't have to work at a relationship). He actually said that he was "okay" with me planning days that we would spend together as long as we kept the rest of the week "flexible". (He wanted to do everything at the last minute and I wanted to know when I would be seeing him so that I could plan to do other things with friends) In the beginning of our relationship, when he did that I told him I had other plans (if I did), but towards the end, I started cancelling my plans so that I could spend time with him. (I know....big mistake on my part!) When I told him that, he said that he never asked me to do that, and I acknowledged that, but told him that I did it because I thought it would make him happy. I also said that I was not going to that in the future. (Again, not that he brought up the two of us getting back together - but he kept talking in the present tense, not past). His problem with us "not having enough in common" stemmed from the fact that I was reluctant to go swimming with him in the ocean even though he knows I'm terrified of drowning. (When I said I would do it if I wore a life jacket, he didn't like that idea since he couldn't "swim" with me if I was floating). And it was him sending me the "can opposites attract and maintain a relationship" article that made me respond to him (breaking NC on purpose for the first time to ask him why he sent it) and got this first meeting between us happening. He admitted that he was scared of the future and, if we did anything, what would happen next. Although I can't remember his exact words, my impression was that he was talking about if we got back together again, how do I know it would last - could I offer him a guarantee. (Yet HE was the one who broke up with me!). I do know that one of the driving factors in his breaking up with me was that he is scared of committment because before me, his longest relationship was 3 months and he was usually the one to end things. He also told me many times, including during the break up, that I was the best thing that ever happened to him. I told him that the future is uncertain, but some risks are worth taking. Do you think it okay to tell him that? All-in-all, I was fairly satisfied with the way the conversation went, although I wish he would have asked me to get back together again. (Although I don't think I would have believed him if he DID ask me.....as much as I wanted him to say it!). He needs to do more thinking first (so do I!), but at least we were communicating this time and I gave him things to think about. That made all the difference. (Of course, having a positive, "whatever happens, happens" attitude on my part helped - something I could never have done if I met with him weeks ago). We didn't have a long conversation due to two things.......his hours changed at work so he had to leave due to getting up so much earlier and the restaurant he chose was freezing. (He showed up at my softball game earlier that evening so we both were in shorts - not easy talking when you're shivering - and I didn't have time to change before meeting with him like I originally planned!) And I could tell that he wanted to keep talking, but I did understand his need to get some sleep too. He told me that he'd see me at volleyball on Wednesday. (At least I'm okay with seeing him at volleyball tonight especially when I remember how panicked I was two weeks ago at the thought of having to talk to him!) Based on his actions during our meeting, do you think he is seriously thinking about getting back together with me and working on our relationship? Or is he just stringing me along because he doesn't want me to move on with my life? Or does he just want to keep me in his life, but without the committment because he is lonely? Angel

Congratulations myJoy! After all the great advice you've given people, you deserve it. Please share your success story with us.

You're right, Scout. I just have to keep it in mind. Thanks for all the helpful advice! I'll let you know how things go tomorrow.

I'm meeting with him tonight and just thinking about it is making me nervous! Does he want to just "chat" because he misses me? Does he want to get back together again? Or does he want to do the "let's be friends" speel again? (I already said no to that twice!) My head is telling me one thing (he doesn't want me back) and my heart is saying something else (he wants to get back together with me). This is so confusing!! And since in the past, I did most of the talking (yeah......trying to convience him not to break up with me - that didn't get me anywhere), it's going to be hard to let him carry the conversation especially since he tends to "small talk" and take forever to get to the heart of a conversation. Is there anything I can say (without being rude) to get him to start REALLY talking to me?

Happy Birthday, Doctor!! My B-Day is tomorrow (another Leo here!) and friends are keeping me busy all day (and night! ), so I don't have to deal with knowing that I don't have a "significant other" to help me celebrate like I planned. Here's hoping that everyone who has a birthday this weekend goes out and has fun with friends!! 8)

Thanks to everyone on these boards for your excellent advice!! I managed to survive my first encounter with him....although it was very, very hard. My latest dilemma involved him calling me on almost a daily basis and "dropping by" my weekend volleyball games. (He works on weekends in the area where we play). Fortunately, we were always in the middle of a game when he dropped by (in the past, I would get a replacement so I could talk to him, but I didn't do that these times) and I was never home when he called. (I've been the "queen" of keeping busy these last few weeks! Definitely a "must do" if you want to maintain NC). Anyway, he doesn't know that I now have Caller ID (he used to tease me about not having it, but I always used to just answer the phone), so he's not aware that I know he's been calling all the time. (I wanted to protect myself just in case he called - I could decide if I could handle talking to him or not at that time). I finally decided that if he called (and I was at home!), that I would talk to him. When he sent an email on Wednesday on an article called "Do Opposites Attract", but didn't say anything else (and that was one of his excuses to break up with me, although we have tons of things in common, not to mention the same values!), I responded back and asked him what was his point in sending it to me. He emailed back (within minutes) and said that he really wanted to get together and talk with me. Since I am feeling stronger and feel that I can meet with him and not fall apart, I agreed....but I didn't "jump" at the chance since I've got plans through the weekend (including my own B-Day party) and I want to have a good time this weekend and not let whatever may or may not happen between us spoil things for me. I told him that I'd be willing to meet with him next next Monday or Tuesday and he said that would be fine. I admit that I'm worried about what will be said (another reason not to do it this weekend - I'll be busy enough to put it out of my mind, at least when with others), although I am a lot stronger today than I was last week when I posted my original post on these boards. When we do get together, any advice?

Thanks James & Amon!! I really needed someone else to tell me NOT to contact him. NC is definitely the way to go. But here's a new dilemma...... He's coming to volleyball next Wednesday. I know that I could just not go, but I don't want to do that. I refuse to give up something that I love doing just because he's going, and I need the outlet right now. Not to mention that several of the players are good friends who will support me during this difficult time. The problem is that it's a small group, so I can't guarantee not being on the same court with him, although my friends will keep him away from him (i.e. make sure we're on different teams, etc). How do I handle him trying to talk to me? I can easily see him coming up to say "hi" and "how are you doing" (the whole friends thing) and I can manage generic answers back and just walk away, but what if he pursues a conversation?

I've been reading posts on these boards since my break up last Thursday and I'm so thankful that I found this forum....it has been helpful. I've been trying to work up the nerve to post my break up story, but it's still too painful and sometimes seeing it in writing makes things worse. I will share the long story soon if only because I'm still so confused about what happened. Here's a short version...... My boyfriend broke up with me after 10 months last Thursday after our first major fight. Although I read about doing NC, I thought what we shared was worth pursuing, so I contacted him about talking things out. Of course, it didn't go the way I wanted (him wanting me back - although he kept saying how much he missed me & cared about me). So I told him that if he discovered that his life was so much better without me in it, then great.....but if he found out that it was not, to give me a call and I'd be willing to talk to him, but I had to move on with my life. I've been doing NC ever since. This is where I need some advice...... He sent me an email saying, "Hi! I dropped off your clock radio in your backyard. How was volleyball?" (We used to play together every Wednesday night). I should also point out that he dropped off the candles that he gave me as a gift (we used them at his place), but he still has some of my things that are more important than a cheap clock radio(clothes, jacket), so he could have brought all of my things over at the same time. I don't want to respond to his email because it seems like he wants to keep me in his life on his terms (without a committment, friends only) even though I told him we couldn't be friends. As a matter of fact, I got angry when I saw his email because I know it's too soon for him to have a change of heart about our relationship and it just gave me {false} hope that he wanted to work things out. My question is.....I did tell him to call me (even though he sent an email), so should I respond back? I'm sure that it doesn't mean anything other than the fact that he's just missing me and wants to maintain some kind of contact. And his friend (who didn't know about the break up) saw me having a good time at volleyball and probably called him that night to ask him about the break up and told him I was there having a good time and that's what made him send the email. What do you guys think I should do? Maintain the NC or send a reply?